Etiquette
Knottie32526855
member
Small ceremony/separate party a week later?
in Etiquette
My fiancé and I recently got engaged and have started to plan our wedding. We've decided that we want to do a small wedding (Immediate family, grandparents (only two left between us both) and 1-2 friends that we want as bridesmaid/groomsmen. As we've figured it, it comes out to about 16 people including us. We're planning on a nice dinner to follow the ceremony with those people.
However, we both have large extended families and friends that we know are going to be disappointed in not being invited. We're considering having a party the following weekend and inviting everyone that we would have invited had we had a large wedding. We'd be having it at our house, have it be casual, either have heavy hors d’oeuvres or a light meal (either way, nothing seated) and have it where people can just stop in and visit.
Would y'all think that this is rude? We want to see our friends and family and celebrate with them but definitely have our minds made up on the small ceremony. What would y'all label the party on invitations if not a reception?
Thanks for your input!
However, we both have large extended families and friends that we know are going to be disappointed in not being invited. We're considering having a party the following weekend and inviting everyone that we would have invited had we had a large wedding. We'd be having it at our house, have it be casual, either have heavy hors d’oeuvres or a light meal (either way, nothing seated) and have it where people can just stop in and visit.
Would y'all think that this is rude? We want to see our friends and family and celebrate with them but definitely have our minds made up on the small ceremony. What would y'all label the party on invitations if not a reception?
Thanks for your input!
Re: Small ceremony/separate party a week later?
And for some of them at least, that might compound the initial disappointment by making them feel "second-best." What you're doing isn't rude per se, but it could have a negative impact on your relationships with them.
I think that when you can't or don't want to "include" everyone by inviting them to the actual wedding, you need to own whatever disappointment you may be creating - both yours and theirs. It's okay to tell anyone who expresses disappointment at not being invited that you regret that it wasn't possible to invite everyone you would have liked, and you don't need to make excuses as to why they weren't invited, but I at least would reconsider the later celebration.
If you do have the later celebration, then you owe your guests the courtesies of not pretending that this is your "wedding" because it isn't, not calling it a "wedding reception," and forgoing reenactments of the ceremony and wedding-related trappings like attendants and gift registries, and I would not wear your wedding gown or do spotlight dances or cake cuttings (other people may have different opinions about these elements).
You do not owe anyone a wedding invitation, and you also don't owe them a consolation prize party - and I'm sorry, but that's what this is. Yes, people may be disappointed, but I don't see how going to a casual open house the following week is going make them feel any better about not being invited to the wedding. You may see it as getting to celebrate your marriage with them, but I think for them, it may just be a reminder that they didn't get to attend the actual wedding. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's something you need to consider before you go any further with planning.
I recently went through this with my son. He and DIL had the exact type of ceremony you are planning except they didn't have a wedding party at all. They now have aunts and uncles who are hurt that they weren't invited. As far as I know, they aren't planning a party later. I would discourage them from doing so if they ask me about it. People have asked me if I will throw them a party in our hometown when they are home. I say no because they decided what kind of event they wanted and will have to own that - and have.
If OP really wanted to celebrate with these people, they would have invited them in the first place. In that respect, I don't see it as "fine'. I see it as rude.
Knottie32526855, since you asked, I will tell you that honestly I would perceive it as rude. It makes no sense to host two separate parties, one week apart, when they could be one event. Own your choice. You've already disappointed these people. Don't compound it by offending/insulting them.
But everyone always says that the feelings of others, and future relationships with them, need to be taken into account when trying to "include" them in something without actually inviting them to it. Some people are going to be hurt, and as I noted above, that's something the OP should own in continuing with her plans. If she doesn't want to do that, then she should figure out how to invite these people to her actual wedding.
If you don’t want it to look like a gift grab, then don’t register. Not even for a few things that you’d expect those invited to the ceremony to fulfill. Your immediate family will likely know what you need without a registry, and then it clears you from looking like you expect gifts at this event. Now, whether your great aunt still wants to cut you a check is up to her but it at least removes a bit of the obligation.
The only issue with the plans is the thought of "people will be disappointed they're not invited to the wedding, so we'll throw them a party a week later". Remove that thought, and just throw a party, and you're good to go.
It's OK if people are disappointed they're not invited to your wedding. You don't owe anyone an invite to anything. I'm disappointed that I'm not invited to the royal wedding. And that's OK. They can't invite everyone, and I just didn't make the cut. The same as your relatives need to be OK that they're not invited to your wedding.
I think if you make the party a true open house and kind of like a "meet the newlyweds" type thing, it would be fine. We did a similar thing for my family in my home state who weren't able to travel to our wedding. Super casual, cookout at home, etc. Stay clear of anything that hints at a wedding (from your plans it seems like you're good there). Are most of the people you'd invite to that party local? I probably wouldn't travel super far for something like that, but I would travel for a wedding, which is just something to keep in mind.
I could see how your extended family may be a little hurt since the party is a week after your ceremony, so I would definitely limit wedding conversation with them unless they ask. If you're comfortable sharing the reason for your private ceremony (nerves, venue, etc), that might help some people understand.
But that doesn't mean it's not etiquette approved. I see nothing wrong with the plans OP listed; private ceremony, open-house party later. No reenactment or wedding-y stuff, just a party.
Thanks!
These types of parties make no sense to me, regardless of whether or not they are breaking any etiquette "rules."
They aren't, but I'm not a fan becuase they make zero sense to me.
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