Budget Weddings
Knottiecfcb5b00838ffbd5
member
Rehearsal Dinner: Do I need one?
Hi all!
My SO and I are going to do a small church wedding with immediate family (just parents and siblings) a few weeks prior to our "real wedding."
For the "real wedding," we're doing a short, simple ceremony at our reception venue. We each have 3 people in our bridal party (so 6 total) and my uncle will be officiating. It will be really simple and short, so I don't think there is any need for a rehearsal dinner.
Here's what I was thinking instead...
SO and I take my uncle & his wife out for dinner a week or two before the wedding as a thank you and to walk through the day.
On the night before the wedding, I will take my bridesmaids and mom out for dinner as a girls night (we'll all be staying in hotel together), and my SO will take his groomsmen and parents out for dinner. We can both talk about the logistics of the next day with them; plus, we'll have a day-of wedding coordinator.
I want everyone involved in the wedding to feel special, so don't want to skip out on a meal entirely but don't think a big rehearsal and rehearsal dinner is necessary. Plus, we are definitely on a budget so would prefer for my SO's parents to put the money towards other aspects of the wedding.
My question -- is this okay? All three of my bridesmaids are coming from out of state (two driving distance, one flight distance), so is it okay if they don't get to bring their significant others to the dinner? Our wedding doesn't start until 5pm the next day so their significant others could always come the next day.
Would appreciate any/all advice! Thanks!
My SO and I are going to do a small church wedding with immediate family (just parents and siblings) a few weeks prior to our "real wedding."
For the "real wedding," we're doing a short, simple ceremony at our reception venue. We each have 3 people in our bridal party (so 6 total) and my uncle will be officiating. It will be really simple and short, so I don't think there is any need for a rehearsal dinner.
Here's what I was thinking instead...
SO and I take my uncle & his wife out for dinner a week or two before the wedding as a thank you and to walk through the day.
On the night before the wedding, I will take my bridesmaids and mom out for dinner as a girls night (we'll all be staying in hotel together), and my SO will take his groomsmen and parents out for dinner. We can both talk about the logistics of the next day with them; plus, we'll have a day-of wedding coordinator.
I want everyone involved in the wedding to feel special, so don't want to skip out on a meal entirely but don't think a big rehearsal and rehearsal dinner is necessary. Plus, we are definitely on a budget so would prefer for my SO's parents to put the money towards other aspects of the wedding.
My question -- is this okay? All three of my bridesmaids are coming from out of state (two driving distance, one flight distance), so is it okay if they don't get to bring their significant others to the dinner? Our wedding doesn't start until 5pm the next day so their significant others could always come the next day.
Would appreciate any/all advice! Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Rehearsal Dinner: Do I need one?
What you can do is to have a party on a different day to celebrate your marriage (NOT a second wedding reception). This can be as fancy as you please, with dinner and dancing, but it is not your wedding reception, and any recreation of your ceremony is inappropriate.
As for attendants, any bridesmaids will be at your wedding in the church. If not, then they are not your bridesmaids at all. Tell them that you have made a mistake and that you have changed your plans.
I am so sorry to give you the bad news, but if you follow your current plans, you will be offending many people. Your "real wedding" is when you legally become a married couple. Anything else is just a pretend wedding with pretend bridesmaids. To invite guests to your wedding (which is NOT your wedding) is just wrong.
As an alternative, you could cancel the church wedding, and then your wedding would be at your reception venue, assuming that your uncle is legally able to marry you. This might be the best choice for you. This way, you can still have your bridesmaids.
A rehearsal dinner is only needed if there is a wedding rehearsal.
Second, yes it’s wrong not to invite your bridal party’s SOs. They are a social unit and need to be invited together. This doesn’t have to be big or fancy, but if it does need to include something appropriate for the time of day to eat and drink. A rehearsal is optional (and many ceremonies are simple enough where people can figure out what to do the day of). But if you have a rehearsal you need to host them properly afterward. With their SOs.
If you’re not doing rehearsal stuff at the dinner I guess it’s a different story, but it just seems like you’re trying to get out of hosting people and that’s not right. Also if my H and I were going to an OOT wedding that I was in, we would not travel separately and I’d be super annoyed if I was invited to dinner the night before without him. So he’s on his own in a city he doesn’t live in and all (most?) of the people he knows are at a dinner he’s not invited to? I don’t think so.
You could probably save money by canceling the first ceremony to put toward the rehearsal dinner.
Maybe we'll do the church ceremony at some point later on (post the civil ceremony where my uncle marries us). I have been googling around and it looks like in the Catholic Church you can do a convalidation ceremony after a civil ceremony.
As an adult you need to decide if you are marrying for yourselves or your parents. If a civil ceremony is what means the most to you and your partner, then choose that wedding.
A convalidation is NOT a simple process. Please do not assume you can walk into a parish office and pick a date for a convalidation. For that matter, even if you move forward with a private church ceremony, you will need to fulfill certain requirements.
It is impolite to ask anyone for money towards YOUR wedding. If your SO's family offers to contribute, then you can accept it. However, please realize that for many people, offers of money have strings attached.
The Catholic church takes the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony very seriously. Does the priest know you are having a wedding ceremony which you consider to be your "real wedding" at another place after receiving the sacrament? This would be an insult to the sacrament , and many priests would also object to your plans.
As for convalidation ceremonies - yes they are actually the sacrament of marriage. The church takes sacraments seriously. They don't allow them for the sake of convenience. You will need to show that you want to practice your faith and the impediment that caused you to marry outside the church no longer exists.
Have you met with your priest yet? Does he know that you don't think of the sacrament of marriage to be your real ceremony?
Are you Catholic or do you intend to convert to Catholicism? They don't play when it comes to weddings and the sacrament, and definitely will not entertain your convalidation ceremony if you don't intend to convert.
I would suggest having the wedding that you and your FI want. If that includes a wedding party and you have a rehearsal (not necessary, but most couples have them), then you need to host a rehearsal dinner afterwards. It can be as simple as pizza and beer/soda at your place or the hotel or whatever, or it can be a meal at a restaurant. You definitely need to invite SO's of the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner, and of course all SO's of all guests to the wedding (whoever they consider a SO). Especially since they're traveling, "they can just come the next day" seems a bit harsh. That means two people driving two separate cars from the same location to the same location which is foolish and wasteful.
And asking your friends to waste money on "brides"maids dresses when they're not even standing up in an actual wedding is really awful.
You and your FI need to grow some serious backbone. Pay to have your uncle ordained and have him perform your actual wedding ceremony. That would solve your etiquette faux pas of throwing a fake wedding and also mean that you're actually getting married to words you believe.
The Catholic church considers marriage a Sacrament and it should not be taken lightly.
My parents and MIL are still practicing Catholics they really wanted us to get married in a Catholic Church. That is not want DH and I wanted. It was OUR wedding and and we had the ceremony WE wanted. Which was a wedding on the beach (well the beach part was cancelled because of a tropical storm).
Were our parents disappointed? Hell yeah, but they respected OUR choice not to pretend to be Catholic and basically lying to a priest about our real intentions.
I would be surprised if a priest would marry you knowing about your self described "real wedding". The church considers the sacrament of marriage the "real wedding" and wouldn't be to happy you don't think it would be considered a "real wedding".
Do you two want to be practicing Catholics? Have you even booked the church? Do your guests know what you're planning??
As someone who was married in a Catholic ceremony why would you receive a Sacrament if it wasn't your intention to do it for yourself? That's not something you should do to make your parents happy.
Secondly, how is any wedding ceremony not intimate and personal? Sure a church is big but it's only the two of you getting married. It's intimate and personal BECAUSE you're getting married!
What is rude is to invite guests from out of town for a FAKE, PRETEND, NOT REAL "wedding" because the couple is already HUSBAND and WIFE.
What is rude is to lie to a church and receive a sacrament that is completely meaningless.
One of the largest church denominations in my country was performing gay weddings long before gay marriage was legal.
It is, in fact, BECAUSE of how many feel regarding the issue of gay marriage that posters get so incensed when a bride (or in this case, a wife), takes the institution of marriage so casually.
Please pull up some posts regarding PPD's and you will gain some insight.
I also don't believe that all the straight people getting upset about the destruction of sanctity of marriage are actually upset on our behalf.
If you're so incensed about the rights of gay people, please spend your time doing something useful and practical, like advocating for safe shelters for our youth, who are disproportionately overrepresented in homeless populations.
Saying that only legally sanctioned marriages are valuable is NOT the pervasive attitude by the majority of this community, nor is it the opinion, if I am bold enough to speak for her, of the poster you quoted.
What IS offensive is brides who attempt to hold a covert, private, legal wedding because it does not live up to their wedding vision, and then follow it up with a pretend wedding in the guise of a real one. No one here advocates lying to guests. It is WRONG of this bride to marry and then attempt to trick her guests into thinking they are being invited to the actual wedding.
If this bride wants to have a pretty princess pretend day, no one will fault her for pissing away her own money. The issue is when guests are DELIBERATELY misled into thinking they are spending their time and money traveling to attend a WEDDING. The issue is that this bride, or any other, be completely upfront as to what guests are in fact being invited.
Community members here find it offensive to regard the legal component of the marriage so casually when others fought so hard to gain it. It is more than a piece of paper.
We're talking PRESENT DAY. And here in the US (assuming that's where you live) in PRESENT DAY where gay marriage is legal, we can certainly say that calling something a wedding when it isn't is actually offensive. You could have had a horse in this race if we were talking years ago. And if you're referring to marriages that took place when the legal wedding wasn't legal then of COURSE that non-legally binding ceremony was important - it was the only thing that would have been available to a couple living in a world where their own government did not allow them to have the same benefits of heterosexual couples.
If any couple in question is living in a country where same sex marriage is still not allowed then sure - a non legally binding ceremony is the only thing that they can pursue.
Please read carefully here. The OP isn't gay. She's Catholic. She's calling the Catholic wedding the "not real" wedding and the wedding that is neither religious nor legal the "real wedding". Real how? Real because that's when they put on a performance? Real because there's a white dress involved? Sorry - no.
We get it. You storm into multiple threads guns a blazing and issue your not so thinly veiled insults like you're the spokes person for a community and the regulars are uneducated. It's not working.
2) I did read the OP's situation. My objection, was to CMGraigan's post that painted all non-legal wedding ceremonies with one brush.
3) You know...that gay people can be legally fired for getting married even though the marriage is legal, right?
If that CMGraigain does not think that only legally-sanctioned marriages are valuable, perhaps she ought to have chosen her words better in her post. Words have meanings.
You don't need to lecture me about the meaning of the legal component of marriage. It's my community members who are kicked out of their homes en masse after their partners die.
3) I'm familiar with the laws that employers are still able to discriminate against members of the gay community. That has absolutely nothing to do with this discussion.
What we’re all saying is that a pretend “wedding” after you’ve already been married, in which you’ll be deceiving guests, is tacky and wrong. None of us are against a gay couple in a place that bans gay marriage having a walk-down-the-aisle commitment ceremony/vow exchange/what-have-you... the two biggest no-no’s of a PPD (it’s a phony dress up day, and guests are being deceived) aren’t present.
I’m sorry that your country’s laws exclude you, it still disgusts me that it took the US so many years to get their act together.
I'm not saying that only the legal ceremony matters; I have friends who had marriage ceremonies before their marriage was legal in the US that weren't (couldn't be) legally binding. But that's no longer the case (IN THIS COUNTRY). But in present-day US (where the OP likely is), yes, the legal aspect is kind of the whole point of getting married.