Dear Jane,
I’m a 30 year old woman in a relationship with a 35 year old man. We’ve been together for about a year and we just moved in together. We initially bonded over being the only Latino people in our small community and our shared culture and values. We enjoy spending time together, shared hobbies, compatible Netflix preferences, great sex, etc. Throughout our relationship, we’ve argued several times about various things and it always plays out the same way. He’ll do or say something that I find odd/offensive/upsetting/hurtful and so I react in a way that feels (to me) appropriate. This is often me expressing calmly that what happened wasn’t cool with me and explaining why. He then BLOWS THE FUCK UP. He’ll tell me that I’m being an asshole, I’m too sensitive, I’m trying to change him, I’m misinterpreting things, and so on. It’s almost like he takes offense to my feelings.
I’ve told him that this is not a good way to react and I’ve told him how I need things to be different if I’m going to stick around. He says that he hears me but ultimately, it happens again and again. I’m being gaslit by an otherwise wonderful dude and I’m not sure how to move forward. I want to build a life with this person but I feel like I can’t be open about my feelings unless I’m prepared to deal with him taking those feelings as a personal attack.