When women aren't taken seriously

MissKittyDanger · January 2018

Honestly, personal reaction if this dude hugged me I would have flipped shit. I'm a huggy person*, but not from people I don't know.
If I don't know you, don't touch me. End of story. I would have yelled - nice version "LET ME THE FUCK GO" or "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" - or just generally screamed.

*note: I prefer to hug people than receive hugs.

sparklepants41 · January 2018

MissKittyDanger said:

Honestly, personal reaction if this dude hugged me I would have flipped shit. I'm a huggy person*, but not from people I don't know.
If I don't know you, don't touch me. End of story. I would have yelled - nice version "LET ME THE FUCK GO" or "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" - or just generally screamed.

*note: I prefer to hug people than receive hugs.

So, I really hope you are not actually implying that she did anything wrong. Because that's what it sounds like you are doing.

In theory, yes, screaming/yelling/being generally loud sound like a good, rational idea. However, as a rape survivor I can tell you that what sounds good in theory does not always work in real life. In that situation, it's natural to have a silent frozen reaction. Your mind is racing. If you're loud he could snap - and if he's a lot stronger than you, that means danger. If you're quiet, he could keep hurting/violating you. In the moment, it's a lose/lose situation.

And all too often people use hindsight to point out what the survivor did wrong. Or they put themselves in the situation and offer hypotheticals. Which they may mean to be helpful, but really, it just comes across as more victim blaming. "If I were in the situation, I would have handled it better by screaming/yelling/insert better action here."

I hope this isn't what you meant. But please. Tread lightly.

charlotte989875 · January 2018

sparklepants41 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Honestly, personal reaction if this dude hugged me I would have flipped shit. I'm a huggy person*, but not from people I don't know.
If I don't know you, don't touch me. End of story. I would have yelled - nice version "LET ME THE FUCK GO" or "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" - or just generally screamed.

*note: I prefer to hug people than receive hugs.

So, I really hope you are not actually implying that she did anything wrong. Because that's what it sounds like you are doing.

In theory, yes, screaming/yelling/being generally loud sound like a good, rational idea. However, as a rape survivor I can tell you that what sounds good in theory does not always work in real life. In that situation, it's natural to have a silent frozen reaction. Your mind is racing. If you're loud he could snap - and if he's a lot stronger than you, that means danger. If you're quiet, he could keep hurting/violating you. In the moment, it's a lose/lose situation.

And all too often people use hindsight to point out what the survivor did wrong. Or they put themselves in the situation and offer hypotheticals. Which they may mean to be helpful, but really, it just comes across as more victim blaming. "If I were in the situation, I would have handled it better by screaming/yelling/insert better action here."

I hope this isn't what you meant. But please. Tread lightly.

I'm so sorry you experienced this trauma.

I went to an amazing lecture recently by a neuroscientist who explained the brain and biological response to trauma and why the frozen reaction happens, and how memory works in trauma environments. And how frequently it occurs for survivors of trauma.

It was so interesting to hear the science behind it, and what he does in most of his work is to work with first responders (police, EMTs, advocates, campus security) to explain how this is a normal, biological response for survivors of trauma and how responders can be better prepared and informed when working with survivors of trauma.

holyguacamole79 · January 2018

I'm also so sorry to hear you experienced that, @sparklepants41. Reading that thread, I imagined how I would feel, and I immediately wondered where my Xanax is.

I think the difficult thing about these posts and stories is that so many people jump to generalizations based on what they read and what they're reading into it. Nobody was actually there except for the people directly involved, so it's really easy to sit back and project (not saying anyone here is doing that ... I think it's a big reason why conversations like this online go south so quickly).

Regarding asking for a phone number ... I have a story. 15 years ago, I had a week-long business trip to Bellevue, WA (near Seattle) for a training course. I was traveling solo (was ~23 at the time). I had traveled alone before when I was interviewing for jobs (flew back & forth to Boston from San Antonio and made it to my interviews no big deal).

Anyway, I had my own rental car and managed to get around fine (Bellevue isn't that big). I was asking someone at the training facility for a suggestion of where to eat. I was the only person in my class traveling in from out of town, so everyone else was headed home, so I was planning to eat solo. There was another guy from a different class who overheard the suggestions. He was from Portland and was also traveling solo. He asked if we'd like to meet up at a restaurant and join him for dinner. He had a wedding ring and was maybe 8 or so years older than me. So, we exchanged numbers and took separate cars to a restaurant. We had a great time. Absolutely nothing happened and we had dinner another night later that week. Again, we drove separately and nothing "funny" happened. A few years later, he was in Houston for meetings and we met up for dinner. He said his wife referred to me as the "Houston honey". We're still Facebook friends.

Oddly enough, I actually felt safer out with him. He was a cool guy, and it was probably safer to be seen with him than all alone.

Granted, this was in 2003 and the big news during that trip was the Madonna / Britney Spears VMA performance (yep, that happened while I was there). Times change...

Jen4948 · January 2018

@sparklepants41, I'm sorry to hear about that.

When it comes to phone numbers, I wouldn't want to give mine to a total stranger on the streets.

short+sassy · January 2018

@holyguacamole79, unrelated to this post, but the last company I worked for was headquartered in Bellevue, WA! Small world! I kept hoping for a training oppty to send me back there...I've never been to Seattle...but, alas, it never panned out.

holyguacamole79 · January 2018

@short+sassy awww, I LOVE Seattle! Bellevue was a really cute area. I hope you make your way up there eventually. How's the weather holding up for y'all?

MissKittyDanger · January 2018

sparklepants41 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Honestly, personal reaction if this dude hugged me I would have flipped shit. I'm a huggy person*, but not from people I don't know.
If I don't know you, don't touch me. End of story. I would have yelled - nice version "LET ME THE FUCK GO" or "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" - or just generally screamed.

*note: I prefer to hug people than receive hugs.

So, I really hope you are not actually implying that she did anything wrong. Because that's what it sounds like you are doing.

In theory, yes, screaming/yelling/being generally loud sound like a good, rational idea. However, as a rape survivor I can tell you that what sounds good in theory does not always work in real life. In that situation, it's natural to have a silent frozen reaction. Your mind is racing. If you're loud he could snap - and if he's a lot stronger than you, that means danger. If you're quiet, he could keep hurting/violating you. In the moment, it's a lose/lose situation.

And all too often people use hindsight to point out what the survivor did wrong. Or they put themselves in the situation and offer hypotheticals. Which they may mean to be helpful, but really, it just comes across as more victim blaming. "If I were in the situation, I would have handled it better by screaming/yelling/insert better action here."

I hope this isn't what you meant. But please. Tread lightly.

Bolded. No no, I'm not. Was just stating what I personally would have done in the hugging scenario. I've had people come up to me and hug me that I know, and I've not reacted well so I'm using that as basis of my example.

By all means, I am not putting my opinions into what's happened to anyone {or yourself, I'm really sorry to hear what happened $:\$ }

and hugging =/= any rape or abuse situation for reference.

short+sassy · January 2018

holyguacamole79 said:

@short+sassy awww, I LOVE Seattle! Bellevue was a really cute area. I hope you make your way up there eventually. How's the weather holding up for y'all?

Yeesh, much better today (Thursday), but yesterday was not good. It was the coldest temps in 20 years and there was ice everywhere. No snow...that would have been better, lol...but ice. It was still a normal work day at my office, ie no time given off if you didn't come in, smh. But I took a vacation day and didn't go in. No way was I going to drive on icy roads.

When women aren't taken seriously

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