Can I have my best friends help plan my wedding if they are not invited...

Knottief4691c3d651df749 · January 2018

My fiance and I have decided to elope out of the country for our wedding in about a year. I would love for my best friends to be a part of the wedding planning process but they are not actually getting an invite to the wedding, as it is just the two of us. They have also expressed wanting to be a part of this process. Is it ok for them to help and should I have a formal type discussion with them prior to them starting to help. I want to decrease any chances of feeling getting hurt and keeping my friendships strong.

charlotte989875 · January 2018

Knottief4691c3d651df749 said:

My fiance and I have decided to elope out of the country for our wedding in about a year. I would love for my best friends to be a part of the wedding planning process but they are not actually getting an invite to the wedding, as it is just the two of us. They have also expressed wanting to be a part of this process. Is it ok for them to help and should I have a formal type discussion with them prior to them starting to help. I want to decrease any chances of feeling getting hurt and keeping my friendships strong.

I think this could be a recipe for potential problems, but you know your friends best. Do they know, very clearly, that they are not invited to the wedding? If they don't that should be a pre-requisite to any more wedding talk. If they do, and if they offer to help, I don't see a reason you can't take them up on their offers. Do not, under really any circumstances, ask them to help; and if they don't offer, don't expect any help. Also, if they offer but then don't follow through, or they back off, please don't get upset with them. I think people initially are excited to help with weddings, but especially if you're not invited the sting of that might come later.

Also, make sure all of your interactions do not become about the wedding (good advice whether eloping or not), but I'd be especially sensitive to this since they don't get to participate in the actual wedding at all. Be invested in the friendship; in their lives and what is going on with them, and just be careful about too much wedding talk.

I think the best plan is if they bring it up and want to help, is to let them lead with what they want to do. And if it seems like they're not interested, or it's hurting their feelings, back off of wedding talk/planning.

banana468 · January 2018

I think this really depends on how you've phrased this to your friends, how many we're talking about and if the understanding is clear.

If one of my closest friends told me she's planning an elopement I'd probably happily help her because I loved her but the help would be on MY terms.

So if these close friends are aware of what's going on and they offer something I think you can accept help but you can't ask for it or try to turn this into something where there are planned co-planning events.

The conversation would need to go something like,

You: "We're engaged! I think we're probably going to fly away and do something just the two of us somewhere in Europe".

Friend: "That's so exciting! Have you thought of dresses yet? Do you want a shopping companion?"

That's IMO where it would be OK.

The understanding that this is an elopement (really an extremely intimate and private event) needs to be clear from the start and there needs to be no expectation on your end if people do or don't want to participate in any of this.

Knottief4691c3d651df749 · January 2018

Thank you for the advise. They have expressed a huge desire to help but I will ensure to keep the friendship from turning into wedding only stuff.

southernbelle0915 · January 2018

I don't understand. They want to help you plan a vacation where you'll be getting married? Are they travel agents?

I would just say "you are so sweet. I'll let you know as things come up." And then maybe invite them to go dress shopping with you or to pick out your old/blue/borrowed/new stuff (if doing). Or to say "these are the two venues we're between, what do you think?" KWIM?

All that is really different from having them actually "help" as in call places, arrange things, research things for you, etc.

CMGragain · January 2018

Eloping means that a couple gets married without telling anyone of their plans. You are not eloping; you are having a private destination wedding.

I don't understand how your friends can help you plan this. There isn't much to a private wedding ceremony, but, of course, you will need to make sure that you are able to get legally married at your destination country. Some countries are impossible; others are easy if you check the rules.

missJeanLouise · January 2018

I am with Banana. If my best friend was getting married privately I would want to “help”, whatever that may be. Most of the planning should be done by you and your FH but if they offer no reason why they can’t. Just be honest and up front about your plans and don’t get mad if they are no longer interested in planning your vacation. You’ll be surprised how little there is to actually do.

STARMOON44 · January 2018

You don’t need help or a year of planning to get married just the two of you.

banana468 · January 2018

I guess I looked at the planning side as, "Oh - you're going to go shopping for a dress? Let's go together!"

Don't turn this into more than it needs to be but I would be happy to do stuff like that with a friend planning a small wedding.

Jen4948 · June 2018

Oops! Posted by mistake. Sorry!

Can I have my best friends help plan my wedding if they are not invited...

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