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It's Just a Name

OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Woes
Dear Amy: A couple of months ago my daughter gave birth to a baby girl. I was so happy until I learned her name. The baby’s first name is lovely. It honors her father’s side of the family. The baby’s last name is my son-in-law’s surname. But the baby was given two middle names — a male, ethnic version of my late husband’s name and his last name. My family and I were totally left out.

I was deeply hurt. And I don’t think my husband would have been happy with the way the baby girl is saddled with a very awkward masculine middle name.

I’ve expressed my thoughts to my daughter, but she is sticking with the middle names.

My late husband died when she was in her early teens and our relationship, which had been very good, soured. After that, nothing I did was right.

I was a loving and devoted mother to her and hoped she would realize that, especially after she had a child of her own. But I don’t see that happening, and I’m thinking of simply fading out of my daughter’s life. I don’t think she would miss me and, at this point, vice versa. My second husband’s daughter and grandchildren love me. Rather than beating my head against a brick wall, I think I’d rather devote my energy to having a relationship with people who appreciate me. My only reservation is that my natural granddaughter will miss out on having a relationship.

What’s in a Name?

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Re: It's Just a Name

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If I'm misunderstanding, some PLEASE tell me!

    LW's opted to not have a relationship with her granddaughter because of what her daughter decided to name her??

    Am I reading this right?
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Did my mother write this? 

    This completely reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother when FI and I were picking names. We had decided that if we had a boy, we were giving him my late father's first name as his middle name. My mother was upset, one because it's also my eldest brother's middle name and two because if we had a girl we weren't going to honour her or any other women in the family by using their names. 

    I had to explain to her that my father's name was a classic name and not a "dated" name like all the other women's names in our family, including mine. Ugh. Families. Grandma needs to get over it. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    My middle name is my grandmother's maiden name.  She was an only child and the last one in the family.  It's also my dad's middle name.  I gave DefConn my middle name.  I find the name neither masculine or awkward.  I hope DefConn passes it down if he has children and explains why it's important.  If he doesn't, it is what it is. 

    But this is not about a name.  Does this lady hate her dead 1st husband or something?  Also, why is she holding her daughter's grief for her father against her?   Yes, you lost your husband, but your daughter lost her father.  The loss for both of them is incomparable.   Also, what family is this lady talking about? I see why her daughter gives less than a single fuck about her mom's feelings in this matter.  LW seems very self-involved and "look at me, feeling my pain" about probably everything in her life. 

    FIL has had many moments since MIL died where he's been kind of an ass to his kids about grief.  He doesn't understand that his grief does not eclipse his kid's grief...it's a totally different process, but it's no less, and no greater, than his.  But he waxes on from time to time about it and it's just hard to watch DH and his sibling's uncomfortable shifting and evident frustration on their faces. I feel for this lady's daughter. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    This letter put me in armchair psychologist mode, lol.

    Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm getting the impression that only a small part of this is her weird angst about her grandchild's name.  That is just a red herring.

    It seems like she has some deep rooted negative, unsettled feelings about the relationship she has with her daughter.  I'd bet it goes both ways. 

    Some therapy sessions would help.  Even better if she can have a few with her daughter.  Relationships go both ways and, if she wants the one with her daughter to improve, she needs to make positive steps in that direction.

    But, LW, first you need to let go of the name thing.  It's an imagined slight that makes you look crazy pants. 

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I am just in awe that LW will step back from her relationship with her daughter over the name of her granddaughter!  I was surprised that Amy didn't tell her to get over herself!  I really think she should have virtually slapped this woman upside the head!


    To begin with, I was “saddled” with a man’s middle name, and the damage has been minimal. Your grandchild will be fine, too, but will you be okay never spending time with her?

    I get that you feel left out, but you’re missing the big picture here: You have the ability to be present for this child; your late husband does not.

    Consider that your daughter wasn’t trying to snub you, but honor the grandparent that her child will never get to meet.

    Try to put your hurt feelings aside, and do not punish your grandchild for the difficulties you’ve endured with her mother. Just be present and loving, and let the name issue go. You and your daughter may yet find common ground through this new little girl. I hope you will try harder to understand her motivations and view this new generation as an opportunity to start over.

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    OliveOilsMom said:


    I get that you feel left out, but you’re missing the big picture here: You have the ability to be present for this child; your late husband does not.

    Consider that your daughter wasn’t trying to snub you, but honor the grandparent that her child will never get to meet.


    BIL and SIL had my nephew, their first born, just under 2 mos after MIL died.  They scrapped any names they did have and named him in honor of MIL, for these exact reasons. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Not "saddling" a child with ten names like a playbill in order to "honor" all possible living relatives = Not "appreciating" said relatives in a totally relationship-destroying, insurmountable way.

    Sure.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My name is after my great-grandmother, whom my mother idolized. Middle name was suppose to be Michelle, but my mum wasn't coherent enough to suggest it - so I got my mum's nickname Lynn.

    BabyKitten is going to be named Michelle - yes after my dad - but that name would have always been on the list, whether he was around or not.

    Would my mum be upset if we opted to do a different name? Nope. Tbh Michelle was the only family name on the list, and if it was a boy she actually suggested the name we would have gone with {Wesley}


    LW is being a brat about the name and needs to be smacked. You're missing out on your grandchild over a fucking name!? Get over yourself.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Andplusalso just a note, Blake Lively has a male name. Her oldest daughter is James. She said she enjoyed having a masculine name, and loves the idea of passing that along to her daughter.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kvruns said:
    Am I the only one trying to figure out this name. I'm picturing  Amelia Jorge Jetson Smith


    I initially misread the letter and thought the granddaughter's first name was literally Lovely.

    My father is passed away.  He and my BIL happen to share the same first name, but spell it differently.  When my nephew was born, his middle name is that shared name...but spelled the way my dad did.  I thought that was great.  Named after my dad but, heard out loud, is also his own father's name. 

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    kvruns said:
    Am I the only one trying to figure out this name. I'm picturing  Amelia Jorge Jetson Smith


    I initially misread the letter and thought the granddaughter's first name was literally Lovely.

    My father is passed away.  He and my BIL happen to share the same first name, but spell it differently.  When my nephew was born, his middle name is that shared name...but spelled the way my dad did.  I thought that was great.  Named after my dad but, heard out loud, is also his own father's name. 

    That's wonderful irony :) 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    TDLR; MEEEEEE!!!

    This woman wants to cut ties with her daughter because the baby doesn’t carry her name. Girl bye.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    She's giving up the chance to be close to her daughter again and to be a part of her granddaughter's life over this? If that's how she's going to be, they're better off without her.
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is what non-host parents who throw hissy fits about being named on wedding invitations grow into if you don't set healthy boundaries. 

    I genuinely don't think she sees how ridiculous it is to ask another adult to change their daughter's name.
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