Wedding Woes

Don't apologize for her reaction.

Dear Prudence,

I am a bisexual man in my 20s. I prefer women, but I have had casual sexual relationships with men. I’m also monogamous. I am comfortable with my sexuality and realize that it’s fine to be attracted to both genders but to still have a pretty strong preference. My friends and family are also very understanding and supportive. My issue is that I have had trouble telling women I date that I am bisexual. Many handle it fine, but some get very upset. A girl I had been dating pretty seriously for more than a month kicked me out when I casually mentioned it while we were at her house. She texted me that she “had never felt more lied to” and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” These comments hurt me, but I also feel guilty for hurting her. I don’t think that I led her on or lied to her, but I still feel bad that she is upset. How do I bring this up better next time, so that I can fully explain where I am coming from, and how long do I wait?

—Breaking the News

Re: Don't apologize for her reaction.

  • Clearly she doesn't understand what bisexuality is.

    LW shouldn't apologize, the girl clearly isn't accepting and now he knows.
    If it was me, would I be shocked? Yeh sure, I feel that's expected {since everyone assumes the person they're dating is straight} but would it bother me? I dated a guy who was bi. It took time for me to get use to since it was something I wasn't use to, but whatever.
    short+sassy
  • I'm still head tilting on "dating pretty seriously for more than a month". How serious can it be when y'all don't REALLY know each other that well? Obviously. Or she would have known you're bi and you would have probably known how she felt about dating bi people. 

    This really just sounds like an unfortunate casual relationship with an intolerant person. Move on and, to save investing time in people like her going forward, just tell people on the first date "Just so you know I'm bi. If that's a problem, let's go our separate ways."
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    image
  • @VarunaTT Is it harder because people don't understand/accept/see it as 'easily' as other sexualities? Or am I completely off? {ex: "you can't be bi, you have to be one or the other"}
  • I think this is like finding out someone you’re dating is divorced. Sure, that might not work for you, but at a month in you shouldn’t be reacting like this. 
  • To an extent, I totally understand why his partner was upset.  I'm going under the assumption that they had already been sleeping together.  His bisexuality and any other pertinent sexual history info (on both sides)...I don't mean super detailed, like a list of partners...should have been discussed BEFORE they slept together.  The right time was before that, not after it.

    If I was dating someone and he told me he was a bi-sexual before we were intimate, I would have been calm.  I would have asked questions.  And I probably would have continued the relationship.  But if I was told this after we were intimate.  I would have flipped my s**t also, because to me that is a pertinent detail.

    Some of this comes from my own personality.  Usually about the time I'm ready to sleep with someone, is about the time I feel the relationship is heading in a more serious direction and I'm already monogamous with them.  Not at all implying that bi-sexual people can't be monogamous, but one of the discussions would be is monogamy something he could do without feeling like he was "missing out", to the point where he would cheat on me with a man and/or it would occupy his thoughts too much.  I wouldn't even care about and would expect the occasional fantasies about men, I'd just want to make sure we were on the same page and he didn't foresee it as being an obstacle in our relationship.

    With all that said, the fact that she called him "gay' is obvious ignorance on her part.  But then, it's all the more reason his bi-sexuality should have been disclosed before they slept together.   

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Casadena
  • To an extent, I totally understand why his partner was upset.  I'm going under the assumption that they had already been sleeping together.  His bisexuality and any other pertinent sexual history info (on both sides)...I don't mean super detailed, like a list of partners...should have been discussed BEFORE they slept together.  The right time was before that, not after it.

    If I was dating someone and he told me he was a bi-sexual before we were intimate, I would have been calm.  I would have asked questions.  And I probably would have continued the relationship.  But if I was told this after we were intimate.  I would have flipped my s**t also, because to me that is a pertinent detail.

    Some of this comes from my own personality.  Usually about the time I'm ready to sleep with someone, is about the time I feel the relationship is heading in a more serious direction and I'm already monogamous with them.  Not at all implying that bi-sexual people can't be monogamous, but one of the discussions would be is monogamy something he could do without feeling like he was "missing out", to the point where he would cheat on me with a man and/or it would occupy his thoughts too much.  I wouldn't even care about and would expect the occasional fantasies about men, I'd just want to make sure we were on the same page and he didn't foresee it as being an obstacle in our relationship.

    With all that said, the fact that she called him "gay' is obvious ignorance on her part.  But then, it's all the more reason his bi-sexuality should have been disclosed before they slept together.   

    I’m not sure I agree with this. I don’t think you have an affirmative obligation to disclose to a new partner who you sleep with. If it’s important to you to know that, I think it’s your job to ask. And there is zero correlation between being bisexual and being incapable of monogamy. I don’t see how the fact that he slept with Samuel is any more relevant than Samantha
    cupcait927charlotte989875VarunaTTMyNameIsNot
  • 6fsn said:
    @VarunaTT- I don't want you to think you need to be a spokesperson, but you are so DAMN good.  I always appreciate your thoughts and words and the time and effort it takes to present them. 
    I think it's the way she explains and the fact she can put a personal touch to it makes it just so much better and understandable!
    VarunaTTernursej
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I appreciate you V.  

    @misskittydanger- I think it's more than the personal touch.  I think it's because V is wicked smart too.
    charlotte989875VarunaTTMissKittyDangersparklepants41
  • To an extent, I totally understand why his partner was upset.  I'm going under the assumption that they had already been sleeping together.  His bisexuality and any other pertinent sexual history info (on both sides)...I don't mean super detailed, like a list of partners...should have been discussed BEFORE they slept together.  The right time was before that, not after it.

    If I was dating someone and he told me he was a bi-sexual before we were intimate, I would have been calm.  I would have asked questions.  And I probably would have continued the relationship.  But if I was told this after we were intimate.  I would have flipped my s**t also, because to me that is a pertinent detail.

    Some of this comes from my own personality.  Usually about the time I'm ready to sleep with someone, is about the time I feel the relationship is heading in a more serious direction and I'm already monogamous with them.  Not at all implying that bi-sexual people can't be monogamous, but one of the discussions would be is monogamy something he could do without feeling like he was "missing out", to the point where he would cheat on me with a man and/or it would occupy his thoughts too much.  I wouldn't even care about and would expect the occasional fantasies about men, I'd just want to make sure we were on the same page and he didn't foresee it as being an obstacle in our relationship.

    With all that said, the fact that she called him "gay' is obvious ignorance on her part.  But then, it's all the more reason his bi-sexuality should have been disclosed before they slept together.   


    I also disagree here on a few points;

    Bolded 1; I think there are some things that should be discussed before sex; STI status, pregnancy prevention/STI prevention methods, and maybe when you were last tested. If you're currently sleeping with someone else, too (unless it's obviously a hook up/one night thing). But I don't know that a list (or number) of who you've slept with, and their genders, are necessarily a required disclosure. There is nothing inherently risky about having sex with someone who has sex with someone of another gender. 

    Bolded 2; why would some who is bi be less likely to be monogamous? I just don't think that sexuality and committedness correlate. 

    levioosacupcait927VarunaTTSTARMOON44
  • Yea, I don't think anyone should need to disclose a list of partners (male, female or both). But a clean bill of sexual health SHOULD be attained and discussed beforehand. Not to is irresponsible.

    I have no idea the exact number of people my husband has slept with or their names. He has no idea for me. We knew/know that we're both sexually healthy and STD free so that's all that really matters.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    charlotte989875
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2018
    Also, I'm really old.  I don't think my number was astronomically high, but I doubt very much I can remember it or everyone at this point.  I had fun in college and my single days.  *shrug*

    In my head, I'm like....more than 15, less than 30?


    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2018
    Yea, I don't think anyone should need to disclose a list of partners (male, female or both). But a clean bill of sexual health SHOULD be attained and discussed beforehand. Not to is irresponsible.

    I have no idea the exact number of people my husband has slept with or their names. He has no idea for me. We knew/know that we're both sexually healthy and STD free so that's all that really matters.
    Eh, to each their own. I’ve hooked up with people I brought home from a bar without demanding they provide me with proof of STD status. Wear a condom. Go to the gyn regularly. I don’t think I’m being irresponsible. Totally okay to have a different standard on that!
    VarunaTT
  • To an extent, I totally understand why his partner was upset.  I'm going under the assumption that they had already been sleeping together.  His bisexuality and any other pertinent sexual history info (on both sides)...I don't mean super detailed, like a list of partners...should have been discussed BEFORE they slept together.  The right time was before that, not after it.

    If I was dating someone and he told me he was a bi-sexual before we were intimate, I would have been calm.  I would have asked questions.  And I probably would have continued the relationship.  But if I was told this after we were intimate.  I would have flipped my s**t also, because to me that is a pertinent detail.

    Some of this comes from my own personality.  Usually about the time I'm ready to sleep with someone, is about the time I feel the relationship is heading in a more serious direction and I'm already monogamous with them.  Not at all implying that bi-sexual people can't be monogamous, but one of the discussions would be is monogamy something he could do without feeling like he was "missing out", to the point where he would cheat on me with a man and/or it would occupy his thoughts too much.  I wouldn't even care about and would expect the occasional fantasies about men, I'd just want to make sure we were on the same page and he didn't foresee it as being an obstacle in our relationship.

    With all that said, the fact that she called him "gay' is obvious ignorance on her part.  But then, it's all the more reason his bi-sexuality should have been disclosed before they slept together.   


    I also disagree here on a few points;

    Bolded 1; I think there are some things that should be discussed before sex; STI status, pregnancy prevention/STI prevention methods, and maybe when you were last tested. If you're currently sleeping with someone else, too (unless it's obviously a hook up/one night thing). But I don't know that a list (or number) of who you've slept with, and their genders, are necessarily a required disclosure. There is nothing inherently risky about having sex with someone who has sex with someone of another gender. 

    Bolded 2; why would some who is bi be less likely to be monogamous? I just don't think that sexuality and committedness correlate. 


    If it was a casual hook-up...which, just me personally was something I rarely did...I wouldn't care and wouldn't need a discussion.  It's really more the emotional aspect.  A person's sexuality is a part of who they are.  And if I'm involved with someone in a monogamous, sexual relationship.  It IS my business to know about their sexual identity.

    I definitely understand that bi people are no more or less likely to be monogamous.  But you can't paint everybody with the same brush.  Just because most bi people feel that they won't miss the other gender when they are in a monogamous relationship, doesn't mean that's true for everyone.  It's impossible to say that.  I vetted all my partners about their views on cheating.  It would be one more "check/question" and reassurance that I would need if my partner was bisexual. 

    And the general idea I'm getting at, understanding people's sexual preferences that might be different from your own, applies to many other things.  For a real example, I previously had a b/f who...when we first getting to know each other and talking about what we liked sexually...he talked about how much he liked anal sex.  That's a no deal for me.  So I had a serious discussion with him about it.  Is it something he would miss too much?  Could it end up being a barrier in our relationship or possibly prompt him to cheat, down the road?  Does he think it's "all good" because he thinks he'll change my mind someday (unlikely)?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Yea, I don't think anyone should need to disclose a list of partners (male, female or both). But a clean bill of sexual health SHOULD be attained and discussed beforehand. Not to is irresponsible.

    I have no idea the exact number of people my husband has slept with or their names. He has no idea for me. We knew/know that we're both sexually healthy and STD free so that's all that really matters.
    Even if you're with someone, break up, get back together I think the conversation should be had.

    I made the mistake of trusting an ex. He said that while we split he slept with someone else, he wore a condom. We made the stupid decision of not using condom when we had sex.
    Well .... my gyn appt told me he lied. I ended up with an STD *head desk*
    Obv that turned into a fun conversation with him - we had split again by this point fyi - but that's a whole other ordeal.
  • VarunaTT said:
    I gotta be honest here.  After my divorce, I went out and had a lot of sex for fun.  And I didn't have one discussion about my past sexual history.  I had  my latest STD paperwork on me.  Lots of queer people (and I would actually hope anyone who is sexually active and nonmonogamous) just do that anymore.  That's the only thing you can really trust and it's the easiest thing.  You don't need to know gender of partners to discuss sexual safety.

    As to the missing out thing, this is one that kind of gets under my skin.  I don't believe any single person in a committed relationship, doesn't ever miss the experience of romancing, kissing, or having sex with someone else, once in awhile, regardless of sexual orientation.  One of my favorite writers just recently had a great column about this, that really says it much better than I can:  https://bisexual.org/yes-sometimes-i-do-miss-being-with-men/
    Yup this is where I'm at. I don't think orientation or identity means you feel this more, or less, acutely. 
    VarunaTTcupcait927
  • To an extent, I totally understand why his partner was upset.  I'm going under the assumption that they had already been sleeping together.  His bisexuality and any other pertinent sexual history info (on both sides)...I don't mean super detailed, like a list of partners...should have been discussed BEFORE they slept together.  The right time was before that, not after it.

    If I was dating someone and he told me he was a bi-sexual before we were intimate, I would have been calm.  I would have asked questions.  And I probably would have continued the relationship.  But if I was told this after we were intimate.  I would have flipped my s**t also, because to me that is a pertinent detail.

    Some of this comes from my own personality.  Usually about the time I'm ready to sleep with someone, is about the time I feel the relationship is heading in a more serious direction and I'm already monogamous with them.  Not at all implying that bi-sexual people can't be monogamous, but one of the discussions would be is monogamy something he could do without feeling like he was "missing out", to the point where he would cheat on me with a man and/or it would occupy his thoughts too much.  I wouldn't even care about and would expect the occasional fantasies about men, I'd just want to make sure we were on the same page and he didn't foresee it as being an obstacle in our relationship.

    With all that said, the fact that she called him "gay' is obvious ignorance on her part.  But then, it's all the more reason his bi-sexuality should have been disclosed before they slept together.   


    I also disagree here on a few points;

    Bolded 1; I think there are some things that should be discussed before sex; STI status, pregnancy prevention/STI prevention methods, and maybe when you were last tested. If you're currently sleeping with someone else, too (unless it's obviously a hook up/one night thing). But I don't know that a list (or number) of who you've slept with, and their genders, are necessarily a required disclosure. There is nothing inherently risky about having sex with someone who has sex with someone of another gender. 

    Bolded 2; why would some who is bi be less likely to be monogamous? I just don't think that sexuality and committedness correlate. 


    If it was a casual hook-up...which, just me personally was something I rarely did...I wouldn't care and wouldn't need a discussion.  It's really more the emotional aspect.  A person's sexuality is a part of who they are.  And if I'm involved with someone in a monogamous, sexual relationship.  It IS my business to know about their sexual identity.

    I definitely understand that bi people are no more or less likely to be monogamous.  But you can't paint everybody with the same brush.  Just because most bi people feel that they won't miss the other gender when they are in a monogamous relationship, doesn't mean that's true for everyone.  It's impossible to say that.  I vetted all my partners about their views on cheating.  It would be one more "check/question" and reassurance that I would need if my partner was bisexual. 

    And the general idea I'm getting at, understanding people's sexual preferences that might be different from your own, applies to many other things.  For a real example, I previously had a b/f who...when we first getting to know each other and talking about what we liked sexually...he talked about how much he liked anal sex.  That's a no deal for me.  So I had a serious discussion with him about it.  Is it something he would miss too much?  Could it end up being a barrier in our relationship or possibly prompt him to cheat, down the road?  Does he think it's "all good" because he thinks he'll change my mind someday (unlikely)?

    And it's views like these that keep so many bisexual people in the closet. Please keep your homophobic opinions far away from any lgbtq people in your life.
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