Controlling MOB

knottie17e1954658675cea · April 2018

Hi everyone,

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in just under 6 months! It has been a wonderful experience planning it, until this past month. My mother has been super controlling the past month. She wants us to do a receiving line because it would be tacky if we didn't do one (her words), although my fiancé & I plan on going to the guests tables & greeting them during reception. When I told her that we weren't comfortable doing the receiving line, she proceeds to call me names & screams "I don't care what you want." She backed off when we decided that we would cancel our venue if she didn't stop her behavior, but once my future in-laws put money into the venue, she was back on the receiving line. Both times she has threatened to pull funds if we didn't do what she wants. She then started controlling the wedding cake. My fiancé & I were planning on doing a small tiered cake to cut & then serve everyone a slice of cake from a sheet cake. My mom then proceeded to say that that was tacky & that there will be a big cake to serve everyone from (despite us being overbudget & costing more for the big cake). She's starting to control the color of the shoes I wear, wanted my dress to be in a different color (I ultimately got the dress in the color I wanted), wants to cover up the stairs of our venue because it's too rustic for her taste, and wants to turn our wedding into a more formal event. When we've calmly approached her about what we want, she has proceeded to tell us that the wedding isn't about me or us & that if we decide last minute to cancel the receiving line, she will force all the guests into a line while we go get family pictures done & tell them that we are ungrateful for not thanking them in a line for coming out for the wedding. She has lied to me, my fiancé, and his family on multiple occasions about the wedding. She has said that she & my dad have asked me for things, which she hasn't, but has demanded that we do things her way. We are afraid that she is turning the wedding into a super formal event. Despite telling her on multiple occasions that it is our day or what we want, she continues to throw tantrums. We have always taken their (both my parents) ideas & suggestions into consideration so far, particularly the vendors, but we just felt that their ideas weren't us. We don't even enjoy the planning process any more

. I know that whoever pays has a say, but at what point does this cross the line? At what point does this behavior become inappropriate? Has anyone dealt with a similar situation before? Any advice? Thanks!

WinstonsGirl · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

Hi everyone,

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in just under 6 months! It has been a wonderful experience planning it, until this past month. My mother has been super controlling the past month. She wants us to do a receiving line because it would be tacky if we didn't do one (her words), although my fiancé & I plan on going to the guests tables & greeting them during reception. When I told her that we weren't comfortable doing the receiving line, she proceeds to call me names & screams "I don't care what you want." She backed off when we decided that we would cancel our venue if she didn't stop her behavior, but once my future in-laws put money into the venue, she was back on the receiving line. Both times she has threatened to pull funds if we didn't do what she wants. She then started controlling the wedding cake. My fiancé & I were planning on doing a small tiered cake to cut & then serve everyone a slice of cake from a sheet cake. My mom then proceeded to say that that was tacky & that there will be a big cake to serve everyone from (despite us being overbudget & costing more for the big cake). She's starting to control the color of the shoes I wear, wanted my dress to be in a different color (I ultimately got the dress in the color I wanted), wants to cover up the stairs of our venue because it's too rustic for her taste, and wants to turn our wedding into a more formal event. When we've calmly approached her about what we want, she has proceeded to tell us that the wedding isn't about me or us & that if we decide last minute to cancel the receiving line, she will force all the guests into a line while we go get family pictures done & tell them that we are ungrateful for not thanking them in a line for coming out for the wedding. She has lied to me, my fiancé, and his family on multiple occasions about the wedding. She has said that she & my dad have asked me for things, which she hasn't, but has demanded that we do things her way. We are afraid that she is turning the wedding into a super formal event. Despite telling her on multiple occasions that it is our day or what we want, she continues to throw tantrums. We have always taken their (both my parents) ideas & suggestions into consideration so far, particularly the vendors, but we just felt that their ideas weren't us. We don't even enjoy the planning process any more . I know that whoever pays has a say, but at what point does this cross the line? At what point does this behavior become inappropriate? Has anyone dealt with a similar situation before? Any advice? Thanks!

If she's paying for the venue and cake, she does have a say in certain things. She has no say in a receiving line, especially since you are planning to do table visits to thank your guests. She has no say in what you or your FI are wearing, even if she is paying (though she may not be willing to spend her money if she doesn't like it).

I would suggest turning down her money and bean dipping her whenever wedding talk comes up. What has your FI said to her about all of this??

downtondiva · April 2018

It's true that if someone is paying for a wedding or a certain part of it, they do get to have input regarding what they are paying for. But that doesn't mean they get to pick what you wear or how you greet and thank your guests And it definitely doesn't mean that they get to call you names or scream at you.

Unless you truly believe you can get your mom to calm down and stop being so controlling, you and FI need to find a way that you can turn down her money and pay for the wedding yourselves. As long as you are accepting money from her, there's only so much that you can keep her out of the planning process.

MesmrEwe · April 2018

What are your worthy hills to die on and what are the things "maybe not the way we really want, but meh!".

If you want her money but not her opinion then you need to turn down the money to do things your way. There are a number of people who will attend only the ceremony and not the reception, so that may be one of her fears along with approximately 50% of your guests will leave the moment they're done eating, it's nothing personal, people have things going on early the next day and sitters to get home to, and you're going to want to eat during your reception too, so make sure you've got your logistics ironed out such that your Mom knows this. You can always come up with a "meet in the middle" with a note in the program "In lieu of a receiving line we will be doing table visits at the reception (then people know not to wait!). For those not joining us this evening we will be available for a few minutes following the service." Then you're covered for any shenanigans risk and her fears are eliminated, and most of all, you come across as organized for people moving (if people know not to stick around for a receiving line if that's your "norm" in your circle, you've effectively communicated what is going on so that plan doesn't get deviated from).

When it comes to the cake - I need more information to really decide. If the "Sheet cake" is the same filled cake portion as the main display cake, it's a communication issue and chance to say "this way the catering staff can keep dinner service moving by cutting up the cake while everyone is eating dinner and be ready to go right away after the cutting". If the "Sheet cake" is not the same quality/portion as your display cake (which would make her look cheap and lessen your guests' experience) then she has an absolutely valid argument for the use of her money and is not a hill for you to die on.

ei34 · April 2018

Sorry you’re dealing with this. The lying and name calling is awful and wouldn’t be okay even if she was paying for the entire reception.
When she gave you money, did she say “spend this wherever you need it” or did she say “this is to be used for your dress and upgrade to a band from a DJ”? If she was specific before you started planning, remind of her what she specified and try to keep her to those aspects.
Unfortunately if it was just a general “here’s money for your wedding”, she may feel like she has control over every last aspect. Money typically comes with strings but she’s pulling way too hard. I know this is tricky advice but if I were you and FI I’d return her money at this point and re-work your plans to something you can afford on your own. Those demands wouldn’t make the current plan worth it. Again I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

knottie17e1954658675cea · April 2018

She is paying for half the wedding, with my future in-laws paying the other half. His parents have let us plan our dream wedding & have only asked that we play a certain song during reception. Totally agreeable.
When she offered to pay, there was no "you must do this, this, and this" just a "have fun."
We have tried to compromise on the receiving line with her, by saying that any guests who were leaving after the ceremony, especially our out of town guests, we would sit close to us at the rehearsal dinner, so we can talk to them & spend some more time. On the day of our wedding, we would greet those same guests & anyone who was leaving after the ceremony right afterwards to thank them. But this was still an unreasonable thing for her.
In regards to the cake, the one that we cut would be one flavor with a certain filling, but then the sheet cake is a different flavor with a different filling. Both are coming from the same baker & are same quality, but obviously a different shape. She says that people will focus on the cake. I have told her that it all gets cut in the back, so no one would notice. She didn't recognize that we were cutting back costs. We gave in in the cake, but she's still focusing on what she wants it to look like.
We aren't in the best financial situation, since I am a teacher. We are paying for some bits & pieces ourselves, so turning down the money isn't a good option at this point. Fortunately, most of the vendors are fully paid for, so we just have some last things to get money for.

artbyallie · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

She is paying for half the wedding, with my future in-laws paying the other half. His parents have let us plan our dream wedding & have only asked that we play a certain song during reception. Totally agreeable.
When she offered to pay, there was no "you must do this, this, and this" just a "have fun."
We have tried to compromise on the receiving line with her, by saying that any guests who were leaving after the ceremony, especially our out of town guests, we would sit close to us at the rehearsal dinner, so we can talk to them & spend some more time. On the day of our wedding, we would greet those same guests & anyone who was leaving after the ceremony right afterwards to thank them. But this was still an unreasonable thing for her.
In regards to the cake, the one that we cut would be one flavor with a certain filling, but then the sheet cake is a different flavor with a different filling. Both are coming from the same baker & are same quality, but obviously a different shape. She says that people will focus on the cake. I have told her that it all gets cut in the back, so no one would notice. She didn't recognize that we were cutting back costs. We gave in in the cake, but she's still focusing on what she wants it to look like.
We aren't in the best financial situation, since I am a teacher. We are paying for some bits & pieces ourselves, so turning down the money isn't a good option at this point. Fortunately, most of the vendors are fully paid for, so we just have some last things to get money for.

The cake needs to be exactly the same, period. A small decorated cake and a sheet cake are perfectly fine, but they need to match in quality and flavor. You can't treat anyone differently at your reception, and that includes making the same type of cake available to all.

Unfortunately, money = strings. It sucks that she's being crazy over all this, but accepting your mother's money does give her power over details of your wedding.

Jen4948 · April 2018

As PPs note, there can't be any difference between the cake that is cut and the cake that is served, whether in flavor or quality.

And if you don't want your mom trying to exercise control over your wedding plans, then you need to return all her funds to her and not share any more information about the wedding. You should tell her, "Mom, since we have such different ideas about the wedding, FI and I have decided to finance it in its entirety. Here are your funds back. We've also decided that from now on, we are only sharing details of the plans on a need-to-know basis. You have made your feelings known about every aspect we've shared about our plans, and we are no longer willing to listen to extensive criticisms of them."

STARMOON44 · April 2018

MesmrEwe said:

What are your worthy hills to die on and what are the things "maybe not the way we really want, but meh!".

If you want her money but not her opinion then you need to turn down the money to do things your way. There are a number of people who will attend only the ceremony and not the reception, so that may be one of her fears along with approximately 50% of your guests will leave the moment they're done eating, it's nothing personal, people have things going on early the next day and sitters to get home to, and you're going to want to eat during your reception too, so make sure you've got your logistics ironed out such that your Mom knows this. You can always come up with a "meet in the middle" with a note in the program "In lieu of a receiving line we will be doing table visits at the reception (then people know not to wait!). For those not joining us this evening we will be available for a few minutes following the service." Then you're covered for any shenanigans risk and her fears are eliminated, and most of all, you come across as organized for people moving (if people know not to stick around for a receiving line if that's your "norm" in your circle, you've effectively communicated what is going on so that plan doesn't get deviated from).

When it comes to the cake - I need more information to really decide. If the "Sheet cake" is the same filled cake portion as the main display cake, it's a communication issue and chance to say "this way the catering staff can keep dinner service moving by cutting up the cake while everyone is eating dinner and be ready to go right away after the cutting". If the "Sheet cake" is not the same quality/portion as your display cake (which would make her look cheap and lessen your guests' experience) then she has an absolutely valid argument for the use of her money and is not a hill for you to die on.

What are you talking about? Why would you assume a number of people won’t even go to the reception and 50% will leave the moment they are done eating. That’s just not normal at all.

Table visits are completely fine. They don’t need a note in the program about it.

LondonLisa · April 2018

Scale back the wedding. Give back her money. Cancel everything that can be cancelled. If STDs haven't gone back scale back the guest list. The only way you can stop her controlling everything is not allowing her to give any money.

You need to remember that all it takes to get married are two consenting adults, an officiant and a license fee. Anything else is extra.

You also need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for your mother. It looks like she controls things with her money, so don't accept any from her. You can't take money from her then get mad when it comes with strings. If you are old enough to get married you are old enough to pay for it yourself.

That is the only way to end this.

OliveOilsMom · April 2018

artbyallie said:

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

She is paying for half the wedding, with my future in-laws paying the other half. His parents have let us plan our dream wedding & have only asked that we play a certain song during reception. Totally agreeable.
When she offered to pay, there was no "you must do this, this, and this" just a "have fun."
We have tried to compromise on the receiving line with her, by saying that any guests who were leaving after the ceremony, especially our out of town guests, we would sit close to us at the rehearsal dinner, so we can talk to them & spend some more time. On the day of our wedding, we would greet those same guests & anyone who was leaving after the ceremony right afterwards to thank them. But this was still an unreasonable thing for her.
In regards to the cake, the one that we cut would be one flavor with a certain filling, but then the sheet cake is a different flavor with a different filling. Both are coming from the same baker & are same quality, but obviously a different shape. She says that people will focus on the cake. I have told her that it all gets cut in the back, so no one would notice. She didn't recognize that we were cutting back costs. We gave in in the cake, but she's still focusing on what she wants it to look like.
We aren't in the best financial situation, since I am a teacher. We are paying for some bits & pieces ourselves, so turning down the money isn't a good option at this point. Fortunately, most of the vendors are fully paid for, so we just have some last things to get money for.

The cake needs to be exactly the same, period. A small decorated cake and a sheet cake are perfectly fine, but they need to match in quality and flavor. You can't treat anyone differently at your reception, and that includes making the same type of cake available to all.

Unfortunately, money = strings. It sucks that she's being crazy over all this, but accepting your mother's money does give her power over details of your wedding.

I disagree artbyallie. I had a tiered cake that was 2 tiers chocolate and 1 tier vanilla. Both had a buttercream filling, chocolate for chocolate and vanilla for vanilla. So half my guests were served chocolate and half vanilla. Was I a bad host? Not in the least.

OP is not serving half a filled tier cake and half plain old sheet cake with no filling. Both cakes are from the same baker and are having a filling, just different flavors. I don't think there is anything wrong with the cake plan.

OP - Can you talk with your dad and see what he says in regards to your mother's behavior? Note that back when your parents married, the MOB basically planned the entire wedding without any input from the B&G. Times have changed and it may not be something she realizes or she finally wants to plan "her" wedding. If you can't deal with her demands, then give back their money.

knottie17e1954658675cea · April 2018

Unfortunately, my dad chides in & starts screaming at me about the same issues. I've explained to him as well that we've taken the vendors that they liked into consideration when interviewing vendors, but they just didn't fit our tastes. We've gone with 2 of the vendors that they like. My fiancé has tried to explain to him that reasoning behind our decisions, but he also gets yelled at & is spoken to in a condescending tone.
We don't feel that he's on our side either

downtondiva · April 2018

LondonLisa said:

Scale back the wedding. Give back her money. Cancel everything that can be cancelled. If STDs haven't gone back scale back the guest list. The only way you can stop her controlling everything is not allowing her to give any money.

You need to remember that all it takes to get married are two consenting adults, an officiant and a license fee. Anything else is extra.

You also need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for your mother. It looks like she controls things with her money, so don't accept any from her. You can't take money from her then get mad when it comes with strings. If you are old enough to get married you are old enough to pay for it yourself.

That is the only way to end this.

Yes to all of this. Your mother's behavior has been very inappropriate, and I'm sorry that she's been so nasty to you. But if you feel that you must continue with your current wedding plans and can't afford them on your own, there really isn't a whole lot you can do about this. The only way you can be confident of having the wedding you want to have is to pay for it yourself; once you involve other people's money, you involve other people's ideas and wants.

If you really cannot take your mother's behavior anymore, then you need to stop taking money from her and either scale back your current plans so you can still get married when you planned to, or postpone your wedding until you can afford the one you want without your mother being involved.

LondonLisa · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

Unfortunately, my dad chides in & starts screaming at me about the same issues. I've explained to him as well that we've taken the vendors that they liked into consideration when interviewing vendors, but they just didn't fit our tastes. We've gone with 2 of the vendors that they like. My fiancé has tried to explain to him that reasoning behind our decisions, but he also gets yelled at & is spoken to in a condescending tone.
We don't feel that he's on our side either

Give back the money. The end.

You either have the wedding they want or the wedding you want. One involves accepting their money. The other involves paying for it yourself.

You can't accept their money then cry when it has strings.

The people on this board are amazing at money-saving tips if you go this route.

knottie17e1954658675cea · April 2018

Trust me, I'm not crying when there's strings. I get where they are coming from. But at what point do we say enough to the behavior?

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2018

Jen4948 said:

As PPs note, there can't be any difference between the cake that is cut and the cake that is served, whether in flavor or quality.

And if you don't want your FMIL trying to exercise control over your wedding plans, then you need to return all her funds to her and not share any more information about the wedding. Your FI should tell her, "Mom, since we have such different ideas about the wedding, FI and I have decided to finance it in its entirety. Here are your funds back. We've also decided that from now on, we are only sharing details of the plans on a need-to-know basis. You have made your feelings known about every aspect we've shared about our plans, and we are no longer willing to listen to extensive criticisms of them."

It's her mother not her FMIL. If you are going to continue with your current plans, you will just have to either turn a deaf ear to your parents or do what they want. Only you can determine what is worth fighting over.

I also agree that the cake situation is fine since it is from the same baker and of the same quality. Maybe some of the sheet cake can have the same filling as the cut cake? At DD's wedding, they had three flavors with different fillings for the cutting cake but had additional sheet cakes that were the same flavors and fillings since the cutting cake wouldn't feed everyone. We just had the cut cake pieces set out so that guests could help themselves to whatever flavor they wanted. We planned for more than one piece per guest in this case though - and were glad we did.

banana468 · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

Trust me, I'm not crying when there's strings. I get where they are coming from. But at what point do we say enough to the behavior?

Call their bluff.

Say, "I think we have some disagreements that may not be able to be resolved. It's unfortunate but I'm going to get you your deposits back and we'll scrap the plans and have the wedding that seems to best fit the two of us that will be in our budget."

Don't give them the argument that they're entitled to have because they're financing. Either give them back the money or just tell them that whatever they want is fine.

I recommend at least SOME therapy for the two of you to deal with your parents because if they're trying to do this over a day how do you think they'll be when you're buying a home or raising kids?

LondonLisa · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

Trust me, I'm not crying when there's strings. I get where they are coming from. But at what point do we say enough to the behavior?

When you take out your chequebook and reimburse your parents.

Otherwise, you have to just recognise that a receiving line, and more formal wedding than you were planning is the price you are paying for not having to pay for the actual wedding.

missfrodo · April 2018

knottie17e1954658675cea said:

Trust me, I'm not crying when there's strings. I get where they are coming from. But at what point do we say enough to the behavior?

You do what you feel you need to do--if it's more important to have the wedding now, as your parents want it, then keep moving forward. But is it worth the abuse from your parents? I agree with PPs that the healthiest option would be returning all the money your mom has spent on the wedding, even if that means cancelling the wedding you have planned now and postponing until you and FI and FI's parents can afford the wedding you want. Postpone, cut the guest list, go to the courthouse if that's all you can afford, have a lovely reception at a restaurant--there are many options. It's heartbreaking when things can't go the way you've imagined them, but you either get the wedding you want, or the wedding they want.

ShesSoCold · April 2018

I gotta agree with PPs here.

We can all sit here and say that your parents' behavior is inappropriate and that they shouldn't feel they have a say in X or Y, but will that actually do any good? Is agreement from strangers going to change your paren

Like MissFrodo said, you have two options here. The wedding they want or the one you can afford without them.

Would it be difficult, stressful and possibly embarrassing to cancel everything now and start from scratch? Sure. But if I were you, I think it might be worth it to me.

NOLABridesmaid · April 2018

Maybe, it's just me, but I wouldn't notice if the cakes were different. I eat the cake that was placed in front of me. I usually like when they have different kinds of cake.

I'm all about the cake.

banana468 · April 2018

Yeah, as long as the cakes are comparable I don't really care.

MRDCle · April 2018

We had a cutting cake and two sheet cakes in the back - so we ended up with four flavor/filling combos, all from the same bakery. However, guests could choose some of the cake we cut for show or a piece of the kitchen cake. Or both! We ended up with tons of extra.

ei34 · April 2018

When it comes to cake all I notice is if the person next to me’s slice is bigger than mine

mrsconn23 · April 2018

All this cake talk and now I want wedding cake.

CharmedPam · April 2018

mrsconn23 said:

All this cake talk and now I want wedding cake.

or, just cake in general.

Speaking of that, Portillo's is now serving their lemon cake temporarily @shessocold and @thisismynickname2 are the only locals I can think of who would benefit from this update

mrsconn23 · April 2018

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

All this cake talk and now I want wedding cake.

or, just cake in general.

Speaking of that, Portillo's is now serving their lemon cake temporarily @shessocold and @thisismynickname2 are the only locals I can think of who would benefit from this update

We have a Portillos down here in Indy, finally. And we're getting a second one. I haven't been yet because it's pretty far and next to the new Ikea. We'll have to make a day of it soon. There's a Top Golf and Cabela's in the area too.

ShesSoCold · April 2018

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

All this cake talk and now I want wedding cake.

or, just cake in general.

Speaking of that, Portillo's is now serving their lemon cake temporarily @shessocold and @thisismynickname2 are the only locals I can think of who would benefit from this update

I've actually never had the lemon cake! Maybe this year I'll finally give it a try.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2018

mrsconn23 said:

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

All this cake talk and now I want wedding cake.

or, just cake in general.

Speaking of that, Portillo's is now serving their lemon cake temporarily @shessocold and @thisismynickname2 are the only locals I can think of who would benefit from this update

We have a Portillos down here in Indy, finally. And we're getting a second one. I haven't been yet because it's pretty far and next to the new Ikea. We'll have to make a day of it soon. There's a Top Golf and Cabela's in the area too.

It's near us but I haven't been yet.

kvruns · April 2018

My H has been to Portillo's several times by us and one time brought home the chocolate cake (I think he got a free slice for his birthday). I thought it was ok but nothing great. I'm intrigued by this lemon one though.

TrixieJess · April 2018

Between this thread and the 4 bakeries I follow on Instagram, I think I'll be stopping for cupcakes on my way home.

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