4 men in the world...
Dear Prudence,
I was in a relationship with a man who has many good qualities but one that really hurt our relationship: his attention to other women, in particular an old friend. He is friends with her husband, who travels often. They talk and text day and night.
For a year I thought nothing of this until I discovered her on social media gushing about him like a boyfriend, on a date at his apartment I was unaware of. I felt like the post had crossed a boundary. I demanded to meet her, explaining that it was uncomfortable for me to have another woman emotionally dependent on my fiancé. He refused. He explained she has “issues,” she’s crazy, and the meeting would be uncomfortable. He accused me of being jealous.
A year later, he became more disengaged from our relationship. He was always on his phone and grew anxious whenever I picked up his cell. We barely saw each other. One night, he accidentally sent a text to me that was clearly part of some banter between them. I blew up. I demanded to meet her and said that he could not have a relationship with another woman I don’t know.
He stopped speaking to me and ghosted out of our relationship after two and a half years. I’m heartbroken to lose this man, but the emotional toll of being with someone so checked out was draining. I miss him and wish I hadn’t blown up. We had life plans together! I’m afraid I might have done the wrong thing. Their relationship was platonic. Should I have tried to ignore it, or is the fact that he dumped me all I need to know?
—Pining Over Ex
Re: 4 men in the world...
Second bolded: No. It wasn't platonic.
This dude may not have had romantic feelings for her but he's clearly put up walls and hasn't invited you inside that house. Why would you plan a lifetime commitment to someone who clearly wants to keep relationships from you?
In addition to moving on, I think you also need to understand that this isn't a respectful behavior in a SO and the only way you will be treated better is if you demand it far before the 2 year mark.
In the point where I was in LW's position, I wasn't as dramatic but I was just as upset.
LW's anger is directed to that other woman, which makes me feel they're just in denial {"my bf couldn't be that person!"} I was the same.
LW should seek counseling to figure out how to redirect that anger and understand where that anger is coming from.
{note: I was the other woman in another situation but it actually was platonic - the same guy as before but after the situation before happened. We were BFF's for a long time. I tried to not cross lines, even with texting, but she didn't trust him and blamed me}
Also, what on earth does this mean? "...he could not have a relationship with another woman I don’t know." So it would have been peaches and cream if you had just met her? GTFO.
Did LW and her EX-BF work at an international English speaking school?
I also feel like its been awhile since we have had a 4 men answer!
Look, I am all for men and women being friends with each other. And it annoys me when an SO is sometimes irrationally jealous of that. But then, people usually WANT to introduce their SO to their friends. Especially the kind of "besties" that call/visit/text each other all the time. So, yyeeaahhh.
Yikes! I am really concerned for this LW. How is she still this focused on her ex after over two years!?!? A guy who was cheating on her...at the very least emotionally...and was already disengaged from their relationship.
LW, it is 2 years past the time to "wake up and smell the coffee"!
I think she should see a counselor and work on boosting her self worth and confidence. Or she's just going to be an "it's my fault" doormat in her next relationship.
Could also be a self-conscious "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
I actually took this more to mean like, "Great! She's a good friend of yours, I'd like to meet her." But I could also see the potential for it being a "test" for him. And/or "marking her territory".
But, as a general rule, it is an interesting observation of human nature that the person cheated on will often blame/be furious at the "other man/woman". More so than at the ACTUAL person who had made a commitment to them and is SO much more in the wrong.
Quite possibly deeper issues, but right now I'm seeing it as misdirected anger.