Invited work friends to shower, but they likely won't be able to attend the wedding

lelechan13 · May 2018

I'm in a precarious situation here, and reading the etiquette forums has my stomach in knots now.

I live in Alabama and will be getting married in Tennessee in July at my dad's church. Because of the distance between here and where the wedding will be held, my mom and sister are hosting a shower for Tennessee folks (some family, mostly church attendees) and FH's mom and aunt are hosting one here in Alabama for his side of the family and family friends (mostly FMIL's co-workers--I am not 100% certain whether all of them are being invited to the wedding or not).

I work in hospitality (admin assistant for a hotel's Director of F&B) and have become close to some of the hotel restaurant employees over the last few years. Unfortunately, the wedding itself is falling during a busy time of year for the hotel & restaurant, as it is the first weekend of an extended festival that keeps us pretty much completely booked up for about 10 days. Because of my position as an administrative assistant, I am able to take the time off for the wedding during that time, but it will be nearly impossible for most (if any) of the restaurant staff to be able to attend.

I have invited roughly 10 people to the shower being hosted here by FMIL, and everyone that I've talked to seems to be very excited to come. I haven't sent out formal wedding invitations yet, but I did Save the Dates earlier this year. Most of the people who have received shower invites didn't get a Save the Date because I knew the festival above would prevent most of them from being able to attend.

Is it too late to "save face" by sending my shower invitees invitations to the wedding? We're getting those ready to send while I'm up in TN for the first shower (and a week-long family vacation afterward) so they'll go out in the mail 2 months before the wedding itself.

MyNameIsNot · May 2018

lelechan13 said:

I'm in a precarious situation here, and reading the etiquette forums has my stomach in knots now.
I live in Alabama and will be getting married in Tennessee in July at my dad's church. Because of the distance between here and where the wedding will be held, my mom and sister are hosting a shower for Tennessee folks (some family, mostly church attendees) and FH's mom and aunt are hosting one here in Alabama for his side of the family and family friends (mostly FMIL's co-workers--I am not 100% certain whether all of them are being invited to the wedding or not).
I work in hospitality (admin assistant for a hotel's Director of F&B) and have become close to some of the hotel restaurant employees over the last few years. Unfortunately, the wedding itself is falling during a busy time of year for the hotel & restaurant, as it is the first weekend of an extended festival that keeps us pretty much completely booked up for about 10 days. Because of my position as an administrative assistant, I am able to take the time off for the wedding during that time, but it will be nearly impossible for most (if any) of the restaurant staff to be able to attend.
I have invited roughly 10 people to the shower being hosted here by FMIL, and everyone that I've talked to seems to be very excited to come. I haven't sent out formal wedding invitations yet, but I did Save the Dates earlier this year. Most of the people who have received shower invites didn't get a Save the Date because I knew the festival above would prevent most of them from being able to attend.
Is it too late to "save face" by sending my shower invitees invitations to the wedding? We're getting those ready to send while I'm up in TN for the first shower (and a week-long family vacation afterward) so they'll go out in the mail 2 months before the wedding itself.

It's fine to send them a wedding invitation, even without an STD, and even if you think they likely won't be able to go. The point is that they need to be invited to the wedding if they are invited to the shower, and if they do somehow make it to the wedding, you will be able to host them.

Everyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding. It's fine to invite people to the shower who decline the wedding invitation for whatever reason. STDs aren't required. It's fine and expected that not everyone invited to the wedding will receive an STD.

LondonLisa · May 2018

Everyone invited to the shower must be INVITED to the actual wedding, not confirmed attending. This includes your MIL’s friends. So be careful there as well.

ShesSoCold · May 2018

MyNameIsNot said:

lelechan13 said:

I'm in a precarious situation here, and reading the etiquette forums has my stomach in knots now.
I live in Alabama and will be getting married in Tennessee in July at my dad's church. Because of the distance between here and where the wedding will be held, my mom and sister are hosting a shower for Tennessee folks (some family, mostly church attendees) and FH's mom and aunt are hosting one here in Alabama for his side of the family and family friends (mostly FMIL's co-workers--I am not 100% certain whether all of them are being invited to the wedding or not).
I work in hospitality (admin assistant for a hotel's Director of F&B) and have become close to some of the hotel restaurant employees over the last few years. Unfortunately, the wedding itself is falling during a busy time of year for the hotel & restaurant, as it is the first weekend of an extended festival that keeps us pretty much completely booked up for about 10 days. Because of my position as an administrative assistant, I am able to take the time off for the wedding during that time, but it will be nearly impossible for most (if any) of the restaurant staff to be able to attend.
I have invited roughly 10 people to the shower being hosted here by FMIL, and everyone that I've talked to seems to be very excited to come. I haven't sent out formal wedding invitations yet, but I did Save the Dates earlier this year. Most of the people who have received shower invites didn't get a Save the Date because I knew the festival above would prevent most of them from being able to attend.
Is it too late to "save face" by sending my shower invitees invitations to the wedding? We're getting those ready to send while I'm up in TN for the first shower (and a week-long family vacation afterward) so they'll go out in the mail 2 months before the wedding itself.

It's fine to send them a wedding invitation, even without an STD, and even if you think they likely won't be able to go. The point is that they need to be invited to the wedding if they are invited to the shower, and if they do somehow make it to the wedding, you will be able to host them.

Everyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding. It's fine to invite people to the shower who decline the wedding invitation for whatever reason. STDs aren't required. It's fine and expected that not everyone invited to the wedding will receive an STD.

This. Also, how do you not know if some people are invited to your wedding?

ahoywedding · May 2018

lelechan13 said:

I'm in a precarious situation here, and reading the etiquette forums has my stomach in knots now.
I live in Alabama and will be getting married in Tennessee in July at my dad's church. Because of the distance between here and where the wedding will be held, my mom and sister are hosting a shower for Tennessee folks (some family, mostly church attendees) and FH's mom and aunt are hosting one here in Alabama for his side of the family and family friends (mostly FMIL's co-workers--I am not 100% certain whether all of them are being invited to the wedding or not).
I work in hospitality (admin assistant for a hotel's Director of F&B) and have become close to some of the hotel restaurant employees over the last few years. Unfortunately, the wedding itself is falling during a busy time of year for the hotel & restaurant, as it is the first weekend of an extended festival that keeps us pretty much completely booked up for about 10 days. Because of my position as an administrative assistant, I am able to take the time off for the wedding during that time, but it will be nearly impossible for most (if any) of the restaurant staff to be able to attend.
I have invited roughly 10 people to the shower being hosted here by FMIL, and everyone that I've talked to seems to be very excited to come. I haven't sent out formal wedding invitations yet, but I did Save the Dates earlier this year. Most of the people who have received shower invites didn't get a Save the Date because I knew the festival above would prevent most of them from being able to attend.
Is it too late to "save face" by sending my shower invitees invitations to the wedding? We're getting those ready to send while I'm up in TN for the first shower (and a week-long family vacation afterward) so they'll go out in the mail 2 months before the wedding itself.

Ditto PPs on at least inviting them to the wedding.

And to the bolded, make sure that your FMIL is only inviting people to the shower that are also invited to the wedding.

lelechan13 · May 2018

@ShesSoCold

Let me rephrase, I don't know if they got Save the Dates--since we haven't actually sent out invitations yet, that's a moot point. I will make sure all of the people invited to (both!) showers get invitations.

Thanks for all the input!

pegasuskat · May 2018

I don't understand how you don't know if they got save the dates? Didn't you make a list and address them? As long as they get invited to the wedding it doesn't matter about the save the dates anyway, but its just weird that you keep saying you don't know.....

short+sassy · May 2018

Agree with the others. You definitely need to send invites to the coworkers who received shower invites. It's okay they didn't receive STD's, not all guests need to be send those. Some couples don't even send STD's at all (I didn't).

Don't presume if they can/can't attend. That is for each individual guest to decide. Most/all will probably need to decline because of work. And that's fine also. But at least they know they were invited and that they would have been welcome to go.

Heck, some of them might be excited to go to the shower since they know they can't go to the wedding. It's still a way they can celebrate with you. That's how I would feel. But then I would side-eye big time if I didn't get a wedding invite (only the shower one), even if I knew I couldn't go.

Also, don't give them invites and then just assume they can't go. Make sure you all can properly host everyone if there is a 100% attendance. We have seen too many tales of woe on this board of brides who have assumed X number of guests will not accept and then were in a world of hurt when they were mistaken and didn't have the funds and/or venue capacity to host everyone.

Jen4948 · May 2018

It's not ok to fail to invite any shower guest to your wedding, regardless of the likelihood that they won't attend the wedding.

As long as they've at least been sent an invitation, they can be invited to wedding-related events like showers. But you do need to be prepared to host 100% of them at your wedding, just like all your other guests.

knottie97c20253e50b9ed5 · May 2018

MyNameIsNot said:

lelechan13 said:

I'm in a precarious situation here, and reading the etiquette forums has my stomach in knots now.
I live in Alabama and will be getting married in Tennessee in July at my dad's church. Because of the distance between here and where the wedding will be held, my mom and sister are hosting a shower for Tennessee folks (some family, mostly church attendees) and FH's mom and aunt are hosting one here in Alabama for his side of the family and family friends (mostly FMIL's co-workers--I am not 100% certain whether all of them are being invited to the wedding or not).
I work in hospitality (admin assistant for a hotel's Director of F&B) and have become close to some of the hotel restaurant employees over the last few years. Unfortunately, the wedding itself is falling during a busy time of year for the hotel & restaurant, as it is the first weekend of an extended festival that keeps us pretty much completely booked up for about 10 days. Because of my position as an administrative assistant, I am able to take the time off for the wedding during that time, but it will be nearly impossible for most (if any) of the restaurant staff to be able to attend.
I have invited roughly 10 people to the shower being hosted here by FMIL, and everyone that I've talked to seems to be very excited to come. I haven't sent out formal wedding invitations yet, but I did Save the Dates earlier this year. Most of the people who have received shower invites didn't get a Save the Date because I knew the festival above would prevent most of them from being able to attend.
Is it too late to "save face" by sending my shower invitees invitations to the wedding? We're getting those ready to send while I'm up in TN for the first shower (and a week-long family vacation afterward) so they'll go out in the mail 2 months before the wedding itself.

It's fine to send them a wedding invitation, even without an STD, and even if you think they likely won't be able to go. The point is that they need to be invited to the wedding if they are invited to the shower, and if they do somehow make it to the wedding, you will be able to host them.

Everyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding. It's fine to invite people to the shower who decline the wedding invitation for whatever reason. STDs aren't required. It's fine and expected that not everyone invited to the wedding will receive an STD.

I agree with MyNameIsNot. Inviting them to the wedding regardless of whether they will be able to attend it or not is more important. The wedding is the main event for which everyone will be expecting an invitation. The shower is important too, but this is mainly just family, close friends and work friends.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

This reminds me of my dilemma. I want to invite my co-workers to my wedding, and I have about 10 female co-workers who I want to invite to the shower, but my best who is hosting the shower says it is bad etiquette to send the invitations to my office even though it would be addressed to each individual co-worker. And also one ofy coworkers is a bit weird so she doesnt want me to have her address. I told her to not even bother with a shower since it's all so much work. I didn't even ask for a show and all she did was complain about who I wanted to invite.

ahoywedding · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

This reminds me of my dilemma. I want to invite my co-workers to my wedding, and I have about 10 female co-workers who I want to invite to the shower, but my best who is hosting the shower says it is bad etiquette to send the invitations to my office even though it would be addressed to each individual co-worker. And also one ofy coworkers is a bit weird so she doesnt want me to have her address. I told her to not even bother with a shower since it's all so much work. I didn't even ask for a show and all she did was complain about who I wanted to invite.

Unrelated to OP's question, but if the person hosting the shower limits the number of guests they can host, you need to accept that or just decline the shower. Yes, it's rude to send invites to work. I don't know if there's an official etiquette rule, but if you're not inviting everyone you work with, it definitely comes off rude. If your one coworker doesn't want to give you her address and you've specified it's for a wedding invite, I'd look up her address and then not invite her if I couldn't find it. If I'm close enough with someone to invite them to my wedding, they're close enough to me to give me their address.

MairePoppy · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

This reminds me of my dilemma. I want to invite my co-workers to my wedding, and I have about 10 female co-workers who I want to invite to the shower, but my best who is hosting the shower says it is bad etiquette to send the invitations to my office even though it would be addressed to each individual co-worker. And also one ofy coworkers is a bit weird so she doesnt want me to have her address. I told her to not even bother with a shower since it's all so much work. I didn't even ask for a show and all she did was complain about who I wanted to invite.

There is nothing wrong with hand delivering the wedding invitations, as long as everyone at work is invited to the wedding. You will need their addresses for the thank you notes, though. It would be quite awkward handing those out at work, since you may not receive a gift from every coworker. The weird coworker may have a good reason to withhold her address. If you decide to mail the invitations, be discreet when you hand her the invitation.

The host of the shower determines how many guests should be invited to the shower and she is in charge of getting those invitations delivered. If you are uncomfortable with the plans your bf is making, you should thank her for her offer and decline the shower.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

Yes, I did decline because I don't think it's fair to make my coworker uncomfortable by asking for her personal information, but my friend said that I was being dramatic and that it's not a problem, she just doesn't think it's appropriate to send invitations to my office and blamed etiquette. I think she is the one being dramatic and is using it as an excuse to get out of giving me a shower. So I will just not invite that coworker to my bridal shower.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

Also ps she said that if I don't feel comfortable asking for an address that maybe I don't have a close enough relationship to have her attend my bridal shower but that's just rude.

levioosa · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Yes, I did decline because I don't think it's fair to make my coworker uncomfortable by asking for her personal information, but my friend said that I was being dramatic and that it's not a problem, she just doesn't think it's appropriate to send invitations to my office and blamed etiquette. I think she is the one being dramatic and is using it as an excuse to get out of giving me a shower. So I will just not invite that coworker to my bridal shower.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Also ps she said that if I don't feel comfortable asking for an address that maybe I don't have a close enough relationship to have her attend my bridal shower but that's just rude.

MairePoppy · May 2018

vknottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Yes, I did decline because I don't think it's fair to make my coworker uncomfortable by asking for her personal information, but my friend said that I was being dramatic and that it's not a problem, she just doesn't think it's appropriate to send invitations to my office and blamed etiquette. I think she is the one being dramatic and is using it as an excuse to get out of giving me a shower. So I will just not invite that coworker to my bridal shower.

If you think your bf doesn't really want to give you a shower, decline the shower.
Your friend may be trying to limit the guest list and the 10 coworkers are an easy cut.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

I wanted to clarify because it seems like they're making a bigger fuss than it really needs to be. But she said that there is plenty of room for the coworkers, she just doesn't want to send their invitations to our office address. She wants to send the invitations to their home addresses. I don't want to annoy them, but my bf insists it's rude and I don't see why sending the invitation to the office is rude.

[Deleted User] · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I wanted to clarify because it seems like they're making a bigger fuss than it really needs to be. But she said that there is plenty of room for the coworkers, she just doesn't want to send their invitations to our office address. She wants to send the invitations to their home addresses. I don't want to annoy them, but my bf insists it's rude and I don't see why sending the invitation to the office is rude.

But you are going to need their home addresses for the wedding invites and for the thank you notes (both for the shower and the wedding), so just ask for their home addresses. This really isn't that complicated. As other posters have noted, it is rude to distribute or mail wedding/shower invites to an office setting unless everyone in that office is being invited. Plus, and in my opinion and more important point, your wedding and shower is a private, not professional, event and as such those invites should not be distributed within the office.

MyNameIsNot · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I wanted to clarify because it seems like they're making a bigger fuss than it really needs to be. But she said that there is plenty of room for the coworkers, she just doesn't want to send their invitations to our office address. She wants to send the invitations to their home addresses. I don't want to annoy them, but my bf insists it's rude and I don't see why sending the invitation to the office is rude.

She's right. It is rude to mail the invitations to the office.

If you are not comfortable enough with these people to ask them for a home address, they do not belong at your wedding, much less your shower.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I wanted to clarify because it seems like they're making a bigger fuss than it really needs to be. But she said that there is plenty of room for the coworkers, she just doesn't want to send their invitations to our office address. She wants to send the invitations to their home addresses. I don't want to annoy them, but my bf insists it's rude and I don't see why sending the invitation to the office is rude.

The invite going to the office could be rude if you're not inviting the entire office. What if one co-worker gets invited, but another one doesn't? You don't want the one not invited to feel bad. Plus, the invite is to a personal, out of office event, not a work-related one. It's appropriate to send it to the home.

Does your co-worker not want to give her address, or do you not want to ask for it?

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

All of my coworkers are being invited, I want to to be nice and include them all in the shower. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? So if they are all being invited, I can tell my friends that she can send the invitations to our office address? I just want to make sure I'm following correct etiquette, because if I can save the postage and hand out the shower invitations, I think that would be good.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

But, my friend who is hosting the party said if I'm not comfortable asking for their invitation then maybe I don't have a close enough relationship that they should be entitled to the shower. And I don't understand why that would be. I'm not old-fashioned, so I don't really think old-fashioned rules should still be the case.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

All of my coworkers are being invited, I want to to be nice and include them all in the shower. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? So if they are all being invited, I can tell my friends that she can send the invitations to our office address? I just want to make sure I'm following correct etiquette, because if I can save the postage and hand out the shower invitations, I think that would be good.

Well the shower invitations really shouldn't be coming from you as you are not the hostess of the party. They need to come from your friend who is hosting. So whether they go to their homes, or their office, they really shouldn't be coming from you.

MyNameIsNot · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

All of my coworkers are being invited, I want to to be nice and include them all in the shower. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? So if they are all being invited, I can tell my friends that she can send the invitations to our office address? I just want to make sure I'm following correct etiquette, because if I can save the postage and hand out the shower invitations, I think that would be good.

No. The shower is for your closest friends and family, not everyone you know.

You do not send invitations to the office. You ask for their address and mail invitations (with the names of their s/o's) to their homes.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

Thanks but I don't understand why it's a big deal. It made me feel really bad when she said she needed their home addresses, like she was calling me stupid so I don't even want her to throw the shower anymore

charlotte989875 · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks but I don't understand why it's a big deal. It made me feel really bad when she said she needed their home addresses, like she was calling me stupid so I don't even want her to throw the shower anymore

She's (likely) not calling you stupid, but she is right that you should have their addresses and send the invitations there.

Why don't you want to ask your co-workers for their addresses?

[Deleted User] · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks but I don't understand why it's a big deal. It made me feel really bad when she said she needed their home addresses, like she was calling me stupid so I don't even want her to throw the shower anymore

Oh my god! Do not mix personal with professional. Period. FFS just get their home addresses. I don't see why this is so difficult to understand!

And she made you feel stupid for not being comfortable sending invites to your office and requesting their home addresses and noting that sending them to the office is bad etiquette? Time to grow some thicker skin if that made you feel bad to the point you don't want her to throw you a shower anymore. God forbid your friend be blunt with you.

MyNameIsNot · May 2018

Knottie Numbers, Not being snarky. Is English a challenge for you? I think that might help us understand why you're struggling to understand what people are saying.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 · May 2018

She didn't just say hey I need their addresses. She said, I need their addresses because it's rude to send to your office and I'm not sending shower invitations to your office. I was like, omg then don't bother if it is that much trouble, no need to be rude with me. So it was the tone she used and also I'm feeling a little badly because someone else told me that I depend on her too much. I don't drive so I always ask for rides but only if we are going to the same place. It's just a lot coming at me all at once.

[Deleted User] · May 2018

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

She didn't just say hey I need their addresses. She said, I need their addresses because it's rude to send to your office and I'm not sending shower invitations to your office. I was like, omg then don't bother if it is that much trouble, no need to be rude with me. So it was the tone she used and also I'm feeling a little badly because someone else told me that I depend on her too much. I don't drive so I always ask for rides but only if we are going to the same place. It's just a lot coming at me all at once.

First bolded...Unless she screamed this at you then she was not being rude. She was telling you what she needed and you decided to take offense.

Second bolded...This was rude of whoever told you this. If your friend has an issue driving you to the same location that she is headed then she will tell you.

Again, time to grow some thicker skin because you are letting things get to you and inferring that things are rude when they aren't. Take some deep breaths. Get the addresses for your friend and move on.

Invited work friends to shower, but they likely won't be able to attend the wedding

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