Guest Invited a Plus One

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 · May 2018

I need help with a guest situation. We are having a very small destination wedding. Our venue will accommodate 20 guests. I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no. Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go. This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me. Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name. WHAT??? I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation. I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count. And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event. I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest. Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest? It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

I need help with a guest situation. We are having a very small destination wedding. Our venue will accommodate 20 guests. I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no. Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go. This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me. Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name. WHAT??? I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation. I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count. And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event. I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest. Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest? It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

First, take a deep breath. This will be okay.

Second, I have a few questions. How far away is your wedding (distance) from your friend? I do think it's good practice (albeit not required) to allow guests to bring a plus-one to a DW; it's someone else to travel with, especially if you're asking them to travel a long way, or out of the country, or take time off of work. Again, not required, but a really good thing to do.

Also, what is your venue capacity, and how many confirmed do you have (don't forget to add in yourselves and any vendors that need to be in the count)? Can you actually accommodate these guests or not?

Third, I think instead of reminding her about the guest count you should clarify that the invite was for her, and her alone, and that unfortunately you cannot accommodate her nephew. Otherwise she might think that if people decline, or that if there is still room, she can bring him.

To your bolded; sure, was not invited and it's well within etiquette to say you cannot accommodate him. Before you do, I'd just take a deep breath and think about whether saying no is really what you think is best. Will this cause more problems with a close friend down the road? Can you actually fit him in? Again, you're within etiquette to say no, just think about if this is a stand you want to take before you do. I know you're (rightfully) angry now, but in the long run, will it be better to accommodate him, even though you're annoyed at how it happened?

STARMOON44 · May 2018

How do you get through life? Call her, say “your nephew wasn’t invited, there is no room, he can not come.”

banana468 · May 2018

Call her. Don't text just call and say something to the effect of being happy that she's attending but advise that the invitation was for just her and you regret any miscommunication but the nephew wasn't invited. Shall you put her down as a single attending?

Done. This isn't like a secret boyfriend you didn't know about. She's tagging her nephew on the list. Say no.

ei34 · May 2018

Just tell her you’re unable to accommodate her nephew. In a perfect world guests traveling to a DW would be able to bring a guest, but it’s okay that she can’t. Just tell her directly (instead of bringing up the guest count or your stress involving venue capacity).

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 · May 2018

The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her. When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there. She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland. We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often. We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it. And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do. Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again. It's a terrible cycle.

short+sassy · May 2018

It's perfectly fine and within etiquette to call your friend and explain that the invitation was only for herself and, unfortunately, you cannot accommodate her guest. Maybe she assumed she could invite a guest and that this was already included in your count. Of course, she shouldn't have. But people make mistakes like that.

But try not to be too angry and upset over it. Just pick up the phone (I do recommend calling) and explain. It's not even that confrontational but, if it makes you nervous, jot down what you want to say ahead of time. That might give you more confidence.

STARMOON44 · May 2018

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her. When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there. She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland. We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often. We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it. And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do. Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again. It's a terrible cycle.

It’s a terrible cycle only you can stop. Start now. Consider it practice.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her. When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there. She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland. We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often. We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it. And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do. Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again. It's a terrible cycle.

So some of this is on her, but some of it is on you, too. If you don't want to accommodate him, just tell her. I know if I were going to a wedding in Ireland I'd want to bring someone to travel with; both in terms of just going to another country, but I'd also use it as an excuse to travel there and would want someone with me. I'd then feel bad leaving them in a hotel room when I went to the wedding. Again, you don't have to allow plus ones but with destination weddings I think it's the right thing to do.

That said, if you invite people to an event you have to think they will show up. So if you only wanted 16 people there, you should have only invited 16 people.

The best course of action is to tell her clearly that the invitation was for her alone and that you can't accommodate her nephew. She's clearly wrong for writing in a plus-one, but will likely try and bring him unless you explicitly tell her no. Even then who knows; people do crazy things sometimes and she might try and show up with him there. Be clear, tell her no, then decide what you'll do if she tries to bring him anyway.

Jen4948 · May 2018

I would call her and tell her, "I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was for you only. We weren't able to invited everyone we would have liked, and we cannot accommodate your nephew."

downtondiva · May 2018

Since when is it acceptable for people to ask to be invited to a wedding? We had that happen to us too.

Anyway, I see nothing wrong with calling her and calmly, politely explaining that the invitation was only meant for her, and that you are sorry but you cannot accommodate her nephew. Stand your ground if she gets upset or tries to talk you into letting him attend. This is a really great time to stop letting her take advantage of you.

MairePoppy · May 2018

Call your friend asap, before she has booked air, and tell her that you are unable to invite the nephew to your wedding. Don't offer her long explanations because that will offer her an opportunity to 'problem solve.'

Of course you know, you should have told her no when she asked for a wedding invitation. "No, we are only inviting a few family members." You need to learn how to say no. Don't be a doormat and then get mad when people walk over you.

One more thing, if any of your siblings have significant others, it would be really rude not to include them.

LondonLisa · May 2018

Call her and explain that the invitation was for her only. I would also suggest taking a massive step back from this relationship.

Also, just because you said Ireland- there are strict residency requirements. Are you and your Fi EU citizens? Just be aware that you’ll need to be in Ireland for a while beforehand for a civil wedding, longer for a church wedding.

ahoywedding · May 2018

Call your friend, let her know the invite was only for her, and then let this relationship go after your wedding.

But also, does the 20 people your venue hold include you & your FI, your officiant, photographer, etc? Or is the limit just 20 guests? If it's the former, you're going to have some space issues.

If your siblings have significant others, were they invited?

And have you looked into the residency requirements for Ireland? I hope you're not inviting friends & family to travel so far, only to see a pretend ceremony.

NBSquared2017 · May 2018

ahoywedding said:

Call your friend, let her know the invite was only for her, and then let this relationship go after your wedding.

But also, does the 20 people your venue hold include you & your FI, your officiant, photographer, etc? Or is the limit just 20 guests? If it's the former, you're going to have some space issues.

If your siblings have significant others, were they invited?

And have you looked into the residency requirements for Ireland? I hope you're not inviting friends & family to travel so far, only to see a pretend ceremony.

This is a great question. Many countries have residency restrictions in regards to marriage. Make sure you research this so your wedding in legal and your guests did not pay all that money to travel for a big party.

thisismynickname2 · May 2018

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her. When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there. She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland. We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often. We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it. And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do. Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again. It's a terrible cycle.

OP, first let me say, the advice you're getting here is absolutely correct. And it comes from a lot of people who are not afraid of confrontation. To your bolded, I used to have a friend like that- someone who just steamrolls right over others. Anyone who stood up to her would get a manipulative guilt trip.
Ultimately I cut this person out of my life by not inviting her to my wedding, even after she asked me for details so she could plan her travel. The lack of invitation in her mail was the message that she wasn't invited; I didn't have it in me-- even in text!- to say "You're not invited." (I bean-dipped, but never took the direct route.)
So, I get where you're coming from, I do. But try to take the advice you're being given and stand up to this person. The nephew cannot be accommodated. If she won't travel without him, then you say, "Then I'm sorry I'll miss you at the wedding."

emmy72 · May 2018

OP, you are going to need to confront her on this. Either via text or phone. That doesn't mean it needs to be an emotionally charged confrontation, by any means.

Calmly explain that you are excited she can attend, but the invite she received was for her and her only. Plainly state that you cannot accommodate her nephew.

Was it rude for this friend to assume she could invite someone? Yes. Was it even more rude to make that added invitee an extended family member of hers that you've never even met? Absolutely. But anyone who seriously invites their NEPHEW to a wedding with no explanation (i.e., friend has a disability and nephew will help her travel) is beyond logic. Just run with the "my venue is maxed out" thing.

And whatever you do, do NOT budge on it.

ShesSoCold · May 2018

Wow, a DW and NO ONE gets a plus one?

I sincerely hope you live near Ireland and all of your siblings are truly single. I can't imagine asking people to travel alone! Where the hell are you getting married that the location is that much more important than anything else?

MairePoppy · May 2018

ShesSoCold said:

Wow, a DW and NO ONE gets a plus one?
I sincerely hope you live near Ireland and all of your siblings are truly single. I can't imagine asking people to travel alone! Where the hell are you getting married that the location is that much more important than anything else?

That's what I was thinking. If none of the invitees have significant others, etiquette wouldn't require they invite plus ones. But when you're asking your family members to pay for airfare and accommodations, and take time off from work, allowing them to invite a travel companion seems like the decent thing to do.

edit - spelling

OwningAHome1981 · June 2018

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

I need help with a guest situation. We are having a very small destination wedding. Our venue will accommodate 20 guests. I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no. Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go. This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me. Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name. WHAT??? I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation. I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count. And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event. I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest. Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest? It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

My SIL did the same thing ... a woman who is her friend who we don't know. I don't know why people think this is ok!!!

MyNameIsNot · June 2018

OwningAHome1981 said:

knottie42bb9150c473a1b3 said:

I need help with a guest situation. We are having a very small destination wedding. Our venue will accommodate 20 guests. I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no. Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go. This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me. Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name. WHAT??? I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation. I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count. And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event. I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest. Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest? It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

My SIL did the same thing ... a woman who is her friend who we don't know. I don't know why people think this is ok!!!

Because even though it isn't etiquette required, the majority of events allow single people to come with a guest. People who are not well etiquette may assume that "and guest" is just part of the deal.

Yes, they are mistaken, and yes it's annoying to have to correct them. But getting mad about it or acting like people are insane for thinking they get a plus one is ridiculous.

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