Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest Invited a Plus One

I need help with a guest situation.  We are having a very small destination wedding.  Our venue will accommodate 20 guests.  I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no.  Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go.  This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me.  Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name.  WHAT???  I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation.  I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count.  And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event.  I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest.  Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest?  It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

Re: Guest Invited a Plus One

  • How do you get through life? Call her, say “your nephew wasn’t invited, there is no room, he can not come.”
    PrettyGirlLostNBSquared2017shld823
  • Call her.   Don't text just call and say something to the effect of being happy that she's attending but advise that the invitation was for just her and you regret any miscommunication but the nephew wasn't invited.   Shall you put her down as a single attending?  

    Done.   This isn't like a secret boyfriend you didn't know about.   She's tagging her nephew on the list.   Say no. 
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just tell her you’re unable to accommodate her nephew.  In a perfect world guests traveling to a DW would be able to bring a guest, but it’s okay that she can’t.  Just tell her directly (instead of bringing up the guest count or your stress involving venue capacity).
    charlotte989875STARMOON44InLoveInQueensMairePoppy
  • The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her.  When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there.  She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland.  We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often.  We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it.  And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
    Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do.  Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again.  It's a terrible cycle.  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would call her and tell her, "I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was for you only. We weren't able to invited everyone we would have liked, and we cannot accommodate your nephew." 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Call her and explain that the invitation was for her only. I would also suggest taking a massive step back from this relationship. 

    Also, just because you said Ireland- there are strict residency requirements. Are you and your Fi EU citizens? Just be aware that you’ll need to be in Ireland for a while beforehand for a civil wedding, longer for a church wedding. 
    ahoyweddingMairePoppyMyNameIsNotmollybarker11
  • Call your friend, let her know the invite was only for her, and then let this relationship go after your wedding.

    But also, does the 20 people your venue hold include you & your FI, your officiant, photographer, etc? Or is the limit just 20 guests? If it's the former, you're going to have some space issues.

    If your siblings have significant others, were they invited?

    And have you looked into the residency requirements for Ireland? I hope you're not inviting friends & family to travel so far, only to see a pretend ceremony. 
    This is a great question. Many countries have residency restrictions in regards to marriage. Make sure you research this so your wedding in legal and your guests did not pay all that money to travel for a big party. 
    MandyMostMyNameIsNot
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The venue holds 20 and we have 20 people coming including her.  When we selected the venue we did so thinking we would have 16 people there.  She lives in Florida and the wedding is in Ireland.  We don't even live near each other any more and don't even talk to each other often.  We've had a long history of me being a sucker and letting her take advantage and I guess that's one of the things that made me so mad is that it's back into the same pattern where she just takes it upon herself to just do it because she knows I just let her do it.  And, the number of people is one thing (big thing) but mostly is that we were wanting a very small event with just people that we were really close with, even our siblings didn't get plus 1's, so it's really annoying that she's just bringing someone that we've never met.
    Starmoon, I feel like I always have to please everyone even if it inconveniences me or if it's something that I don't want to do.  Then I get mad when I realize that I've done it again.  It's a terrible cycle.  
    OP, first let me say, the advice you're getting here is absolutely correct. And it comes from a lot of people who are not afraid of confrontation. To your bolded, I used to have a friend like that- someone who just steamrolls right over others. Anyone who stood up to her would get a manipulative guilt trip. 
    Ultimately I cut this person out of my life by not inviting her to my wedding, even after she asked me for details so she could plan her travel. The lack of invitation in her mail was the message that she wasn't invited; I didn't have it in me-- even in text!- to say "You're not invited." (I bean-dipped, but never took the direct route.)
    So, I get where you're coming from, I do. But try to take the advice you're being given and stand up to this person. The nephew cannot be accommodated. If she won't travel without him, then you say, "Then I'm sorry I'll miss you at the wedding."
    ________________________________


    short+sassyahoyweddingMairePoppykalinda2
  • emmy72emmy72 member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper

    OP, you are going to need to confront her on this. Either via text or phone. That doesn't mean it needs to be an emotionally charged confrontation, by any means.

    Calmly explain that you are excited she can attend, but the invite she received was for her and her only. Plainly state that you cannot accommodate her nephew.

    Was it rude for this friend to assume she could invite someone? Yes. Was it even more rude to make that added invitee an extended family member of hers that you've never even met? Absolutely. But anyone who seriously invites their NEPHEW to a wedding with no explanation (i.e., friend has a disability and nephew will help her travel) is beyond logic. Just run with the "my venue is maxed out" thing.


    And whatever you do, do NOT budge on it.

  • I need help with a guest situation.  We are having a very small destination wedding.  Our venue will accommodate 20 guests.  I invited a friend because she asked me to and I can't say no.  Also, since her financial situation isn't great I didn't think she would go.  This weekend I told her how stressed I was because the guest count was creeping up after my future MIL invited her siblings and we were reaching our max for our venue and would have to find a new place which was really upsetting me.  Yesterday she sent me a picture of the RSVP card with her name and her nephew's name.  WHAT???  I've never even met her nephew and he was definitely not on the invitation.  I am so mad that she has taken it upon herself to invite someone even after I told her how upsetting it was to have to be talking about a plan B because of the guest count.  And I'm mad that she feels so entitled to bring someone we have never even met to such a small, intimate event.  I did text her after she sent me the picture yesterday reminding her again about the guest count and she never acknowledged anything I said. I hate confrontation but we are at the point that this one extra person could potentially put us over the max that the owners of our venue will allow and I don't want to have to find another venue because of someone else bring an uninvited guest.  Would it be ok to just tell her sorry but we really don't have the room for your guest?  It makes me feel bad but honestly I'm so mad right now that I don't even want her to go.

    My SIL did the same thing ... a woman who is her friend who we don't know. I don't know why people think this is ok!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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