Wedding Woes

So. Much. WTF?

2»

Re: So. Much. WTF?

  • @VarunaTT and @6fsn I can sort of see what you're saying.   

    Something about the spouse's comments isn't adding up for me.   If DH was doing this I wouldn't call it ADHD.   It would be signs of dementia.

    But her actions in all of this smack of someone who is off her/himself.  It's not adding up to me.   

    And not all vows have an 'in sickness and in health' but I think it's shitty if this is cognitive impairment and the solution is to throw his ass out.   
  • 6fsn said:
    VarunaTT said:
    You know...I'm just going to say that the woman is throwing up a red flag for me the way she lists things, takes on things that somewhat seem maybe not true, etc.  I just interacted with a hellion of a woman who obviously believes her husband is a moron and treats him as such.  He's not, he's perfectly fine, intelligent, nice, and polite and she acts like he's an incompetent bumbling idiot.  There's something about this that makes me think of gaslighting.
    I think that’s what I was getting at. Dh could easily make a list 
    she ignored our TODDLER and he got a head wound that required glue (I was tending to another child). A few years later a similar thing happened with an unsupervised child (dh was there and a questionable child threw a stool at her)
    she burnt the cookbook
    she let the water boil out of the saucepan making tea then again when making eggs. (4 years apart)
    she backed into the mailbox (getting used to driving a van) then clipped a mailbox with the mirror (because someone came left of center
    she forgot to feed the kids lunch ( I forgot to pack the hot dogs and they could still buy lunch). 

    I can absolutely see not getting g over the dog. I often wonder what happens to couples after a child dies like this. 

     
    So at first, I thought "oh my goodness, something is seriously wrong!" My mind (being from Alaska) immediately jumped to FASD. But then you posted this, and I seriously thought about it. 

    The list of things I have done in the last five years is this bad and worse including running a red light and totalling a vehicle, smashing off my car mirror on H's car (and this wasn't because I "backed in too close"; I totally didn't even look and forgot his car was there, so I am soooooo fortunate I only smashed off the mirror and didn't back in six inches over and really mess up both our vehicles!) and leaving a candle burning for four hours when I left the house. I could definitely make a list for H too!

    The only really serious thing is the dog. That is really sad, but it could happen to the best of people, and I think it should be considered as a stand alone happening, not just one more thing in a line of forgetful behavior. 
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
  • 6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    @lovesclimbing I meant gives pause to the lw overreacting to the other things not gives pause that the husband sucks. I’ve been lucky more than once about things.  Lw could see a severed artery and husband sees a toddler with a drill that’s got a close to dead battery. 
  • 6fsn said:
    @lovesclimbing I meant gives pause to the lw overreacting to the other things not gives pause that the husband sucks. I’ve been lucky more than once about things.  Lw could see a severed artery and husband sees a toddler with a drill that’s got a close to dead battery. 
    Oh, yea, definitely. 
  • 6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 

    I hear this, but took the LW at her word that it happened because the H either purposefully gave the baby a dangerous tool or was grossly inattentive.  But it could have been much more innocent.

    Some PPs have had red flags about the LW.  I'm maybe getting mild vibes of that.  The drill, which on the face of it sounded super scary and so close to major injury/death, but it gave me a bit of a wonder if the LW might be over dramatic as to what happened.

    Not saying it isn't true just as she described, but I'm a full grown woman.  And I have used an automatic drill.  And they are heavy.  I'd think way too heavy for a 3-year-old to lift, much less have a hand big enough to hold it while pressing on the button.

    Perhaps if they were sitting on the floor.  With the drill bit happening to be right next to their leg.  While they happened to be playing with the button.  And have the strength to hold the button down, even for a few seconds, while presumably the drill is even starting to dig into their leg.

    That's a lot of perhaps-ing.  But stranger things have happened, especially with kids.  Still, I'm not so sure.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    yeah, I don't have my head go to 'major cognitive impairment' on doing that much stupid shit, but I do think that sometimes there's value in a partner going TO the therapist with you.
    And there's value in 'hey, this is what I screwed up, so, this is what we do to not screw up'--from the ADHDer who has never forgotten a dog in the car but who ties a leash to the keys every time a dog is put into the car, JIC, so that I CAN"T forget. 
    (I had a kid-remembering system too, before I had a kid big enough to yell at me if I forgot her)

    But looking like ADHD doesn't mean it's ADHD, heaven knows there's a whole host of things that can have some look alikes that deal w/ processing that might be worth looking into.  And at the very least, there's self reflection, which, it looks like this guy isn't willing to do, which puts him firmly in 'more than 4 men' category in my book.
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 

    I hear this, but took the LW at her word that it happened because the H either purposefully gave the baby a dangerous tool or was grossly inattentive.  But it could have been much more innocent.

    Some PPs have had red flags about the LW.  I'm maybe getting mild vibes of that.  The drill, which on the face of it sounded super scary and so close to major injury/death, but it gave me a bit of a wonder if the LW might be over dramatic as to what happened.

    Not saying it isn't true just as she described, but I'm a full grown woman.  And I have used an automatic drill.  And they are heavy.  I'd think way too heavy for a 3-year-old to lift, much less have a hand big enough to hold it while pressing on the button.

    Perhaps if they were sitting on the floor.  With the drill bit happening to be right next to their leg.  While they happened to be playing with the button.  And have the strength to hold the button down, even for a few seconds, while presumably the drill is even starting to dig into their leg.

    That's a lot of perhaps-ing.  But stranger things have happened, especially with kids.  Still, I'm not so sure.

    There have been some tragedies in the news where parents took their eyes off of their kids for two seconds, and it hurts seeing all of the “where were the parents?!” comments.  We’re all human.  Accidents do happen.  But taking steps to prevent them helps.  I lean more towards LW wants to prevent something awful than that she’s being dramatic.  Toddlers shouldn’t play with drills.  My three (oldest just turned four) haven’t held a drill.  My H has tons of tools but he keeps them up high and away from the kids.  

    Ditto PP that this sounds like more than ADHD.  LW should really urge H to have cognitive testing.  
  • Ugh, TK is doing the whole "you need your comment approved" thing and eating posts again. 

    I was saying I could easily see something where the husband is fixing a cabinet, sees the kid all the way across the room and sets the drill down on a stool or the floor for just a few seconds while he adjusts something, and then the kid gets to it, swipes at the button and turns it around (most hand drills, in my experience, spin pretty easily when they're on their side on something hard) and it digs into their leg a little bit. I am frequently surprised at how fast and silently my one-year-old can move, and she's still just crawling! 

    My daughter, at 8-10 months old, managed to turn the vacuum on and knock it over on herself more than once. We left it plugged in in the corner for awhile, and she would swipe at it and accidentally turn it on. And this was a stiff button, the foot kind. 
  • 6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 

    I hear this, but took the LW at her word that it happened because the H either purposefully gave the baby a dangerous tool or was grossly inattentive.  But it could have been much more innocent.

    Some PPs have had red flags about the LW.  I'm maybe getting mild vibes of that.  The drill, which on the face of it sounded super scary and so close to major injury/death, but it gave me a bit of a wonder if the LW might be over dramatic as to what happened.

    Not saying it isn't true just as she described, but I'm a full grown woman.  And I have used an automatic drill.  And they are heavy.  I'd think way too heavy for a 3-year-old to lift, much less have a hand big enough to hold it while pressing on the button.

    Perhaps if they were sitting on the floor.  With the drill bit happening to be right next to their leg.  While they happened to be playing with the button.  And have the strength to hold the button down, even for a few seconds, while presumably the drill is even starting to dig into their leg.

    That's a lot of perhaps-ing.  But stranger things have happened, especially with kids.  Still, I'm not so sure.

    DP, sorry. What I meant to address in my previous post (grr, tk!) was I guess I'm just reading her phrasing of "let my toddler play with" a bit differently. 

    My daughter will frequently grab a salt shaker or a table knife or a magazine or goodness knows what and I'll glance up, see it and that H isn't looking at her, and say, "Oh, don't let her play with that!" And then he'll take it away. He's not "letting" her play with it in the sense of "Here's a totally fun toy for you." 
  • 6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 

    I hear this, but took the LW at her word that it happened because the H either purposefully gave the baby a dangerous tool or was grossly inattentive.  But it could have been much more innocent.

    Some PPs have had red flags about the LW.  I'm maybe getting mild vibes of that.  The drill, which on the face of it sounded super scary and so close to major injury/death, but it gave me a bit of a wonder if the LW might be over dramatic as to what happened.

    Not saying it isn't true just as she described, but I'm a full grown woman.  And I have used an automatic drill.  And they are heavy.  I'd think way too heavy for a 3-year-old to lift, much less have a hand big enough to hold it while pressing on the button.

    Perhaps if they were sitting on the floor.  With the drill bit happening to be right next to their leg.  While they happened to be playing with the button.  And have the strength to hold the button down, even for a few seconds, while presumably the drill is even starting to dig into their leg.

    That's a lot of perhaps-ing.  But stranger things have happened, especially with kids.  Still, I'm not so sure.

    DP, sorry. What I meant to address in my previous post (grr, tk!) was I guess I'm just reading her phrasing of "let my toddler play with" a bit differently. 

    My daughter will frequently grab a salt shaker or a table knife or a magazine or goodness knows what and I'll glance up, see it and that H isn't looking at her, and say, "Oh, don't let her play with that!" And then he'll take it away. He's not "letting" her play with it in the sense of "Here's a totally fun toy for you." 

    Definitely!  And 99% of the time I would read that the same way.  But she's painting her H as so "off", I wasn't sure if she meant that phrase as he purposefully gave the child a tool as a toy.  Or irresponsibly left it lying around where they child could easily get to it.  Or if it was legit in a safe place that one would not think their child could get to it, but they did anyway.  I would like more info on how that all transpired.

    As a substantially less serious example.  When my niece M was almost 3, they had Krispy Kreme doughnuts for breakfast one morning.   When they were done, my sister put the leftover box on the counter, but all the way to the back so little hands could not get to it.  Later that afternoon, she walked into the playroom and saw white sugar glaze all over her daughter's face and hands.

    She had never been able to reach that far before.  But now she could, lol.

    For more funny, my sister asked, "M!!  Did you have a Krispy Kreme doughnut?"  To which my niece answered in all her innocence and full truth, "No...I had two Krispy Kreme doughnuts."  Her very technical correction as to the number of doughnuts still cracks us up to this day. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • So, yes the thing with the dog is a terrible, effin' stupid, horrific mistake that I would have an issue forgiving an adult.  But if I walked in on my family dog dead, I probably would fall the hell apart, so would my mother and father.  Someone would have to be keeping their shit together, and TBH, it'd probably be K at this point.  Maybe LW is just the better one at controlling it.  (Also, I have some questions about this scenario anyway, but that's really neither here nor there).

    The whole letter is just all, "Here's where he's screwed up, here's where he's screwed up, here's where he bothered me, here's what I had to do.."  It's all just very me, Me, ME and annoyance rather than feeling like genuine concern.
  • Dear Prudence,

    I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. Back in 2011 I told him that I thought he might have adult ADHD, but he’s never seriously considered the possibility. Since then he has had many moments of inattention: forgetting food on the stove, not buying what’s on a grocery list, boiling all of the water out of teapots. In the summer of 2016, he backed into my car after parking it there himself. The repairs cost $3,000. I told him he should see someone before another person gets seriously hurt.

    Then he left my dog in his car and the dog suffocated. My last memory of the dog who helped our family get through a rough seven years is seeing him in rigor mortis. My husband called me in a panic. I was hysterical, but I had to keep it together because he needed me to help him figure out how to take the dog to the animal hospital.

    And I cannot forgive my husband. I thought something really bad would happen, and it finally did. I warned him so many times. I warned him when he let my toddler play with a drill and he almost drilled through his femoral artery. He went to a therapist who, in his words, “didn’t think there was anything wrong with him.” I still think there is. (He just backed into my car again.) I have asked him to move out repeatedly, and he politely refuses. He says he doesn’t want to leave. Am I justified feeling exhausted by all of this? Am I wrong to just want to walk away from him?

    _____

    So...almost 20 years.  7 years ago, makes an armchair diagnosis.  He didn't believe her.  She now starts listing things to support her armchair diagnosis for SEVEN.  YEARS.

    MY car, MY dog (who is then referred to as a family dog), MY toddler (which is also presumably his child), made him go to a therapist, an actual medical professional who said there was nothing wrong, MY car again.

    LW, if you want to leave your husband, just leave him.  Don't gaslight him.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2018
    Yes, he killed the dog.

    Let's say he freaked the fuck out about it and THAT'S why he couldn't figure out how to get to the animal hospital.  let's say that she's controlled every little thing about that dog and he didn't know where the vet was.  Let's say he was crying and asking her to find an ER vet.  But no where in here does it say, "He was cool, calm, and collected and doesn't GAF that he killed my dog."

    Which is why it reads like a gaslighting story.  Go for the extreme emotion, tell the worst sides of the person (true or not), leave out details that might make LW look like crap, etc.  I've lived with this personality type's aftermath...it's not pretty and I'm not buying this LW.
  • VarunaTT said:
    Yes, he killed the dog.

    Let's say he freaked the fuck out about it and THAT'S why he couldn't figure out how to get to the animal hospital.  let's say that she's controlled every little thing about that dog and he didn't know where the vet was.  Let's say he was crying and asking her to find an ER vet.  But no where in here does it say, "He was cool, calm, and collected and doesn't GAF that he killed my dog."

    Which is why it reads like a gaslighting story.  Go for the extreme emotion, tell the worst sides of the person (true or not), leave out details that might make LW look like crap, etc.  I've lived with this personality type's aftermath...it's not pretty and I'm not buying this LW.

    FWIW, this is the one part of her story that I didn't think was "evidence" at all about her H's problems.

    I've thankfully never taken either one of my pets to an animal hospital.  I have no idea where the closest 24 hour one is.  I'd be panicked and desperately trying to Google that info, when time is of the essence.  My H would probably be slightly calmer, but he doesn't know either.

    Note to self: Look that info up this evening.  When it is calm and not an emergency.  Write a couple addresses/phone numbers for the closest 24 hour animal hospitals.  Put that info on the fridge.  And hope I'll never need it.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I would  feel differently if the letter went “my husband accidentally killed my dog and I just can’t get past it.  I have asked him to leave, but he won’t.  What else can I do?” It’s like she’s trying to justify why she wants out when really it’s ok to just say “I can’t forgive this”
  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    6 is hitting what it feels like to me too.
    It's that pesky  "I hvae to find a good enough reason to leave" thing.

    WHich...maybe he is an ass who isn't working to take responsibility.  But he also might just be a bad person for her to be with, which...eh, happens.
  • I think the biggest thing for me if I were in LW's situation, is that now she could never relax and leave the baby with her H, ever. If you can forget about a dog, which is a relatively big and not quiet animal, you can forget about a sleeping toddler in the back of the car. That would have huge implications for me. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but this is a pretty rich tableau of not regular occurrences. 

    Also, how do you politely decline when your spouse asks you to move out? I feel like the H is just saying 'look, whats the big deal' and minimising it. I would lose my mind over that. My dog is my family. 

    If H won't move out, she should take her toddler and leave. If the H is serious about the marriage, he will go to counselling with his wife. Because they can't carry on this way. Whether that means divorce (and supervised visits) or a fundamental redshift with demonstrated behaviour change, that isn't up to me. But this cannot continue. 

    This is why you don't marry a man child. I do think we have an arrested development problem with some men, where it is rewarded to be goofy and helpless (look at any Judd Apatow movie) and women are painted as these harpy shrews for nagging to get things done. It's adorable in college with the spontaneity, but when you realise he didn't make the mortgage payment because he forgot, the sobering reality kicks in. I wish I could talk to all young women and say: "Could you imagine your boyfriend RIGHT NOW being  good dad (if you want children), financially responsible and a good worker?" if not- don't marry them!! 
  • The more I think of this there is just too much wrong here on both sides.   LW annoys me based on the way this is written because it seems like the care of the spouse is not a part of her concern.  

    And the spouse is clearly lacking here.   Something isn't mentally right here but neither are working to resolve the issues.  
  • banana468 said:
    6fsn said:
    6fsn said:

    Dude went to a therapist, doesn't that mean he at least tried to take it seriously?  I've done all of that shit and more in the last 5 years.  I sure hope my husband isn't going to hold it against me for the next 20.

    You killed your dog? Backed into a car twice? Let your toddler play with a drill? 
    I’ve hit two mailboxes and let my kids use power tools. I’ve also burnt things, forgot to buy things on a list and boiled water out of a pot. No I didn’t kill a dog but the other stuff just seems like a small list over 20 years. 
    I've hit the house and a mailbox.   

    You cannot compare backing into a car and hitting  a mailbox.  

    And you let your TODDLER use a power drill? 

    Backing into a car twice since 2016 too!
  • 6fsn said:
    I think the “drilling through the femoral artery” is what gives me pause. A drill press or saw might be able to do thus easily, but a plain old drill?  
    This is serious, but kids get into things. That doesn't mean it's ok, of course, but like you can't keep them out of everything. And sometimes despite your best intentions, they get ahold of things they shouldn't. Kids hurt themselves and do things and unless you keep them in a play pen 24/7, they are going to get into things. 

    I'm a person of faith, and I pray every day that God protects my baby from herself and from my husband and I! Because we have not paid close enough attention and she's eaten random things and crawled off of things, and we were thisclose to taking her to the ER once because she wasn't nursing after one of the things she ate (she finally nursed right before we were going to walk out the door). 

    So, while it should be a wake up call to be even more careful about things they can get into, I don't see this as necessarily a huge red flag about a parent's inattention. 

    I hear this, but took the LW at her word that it happened because the H either purposefully gave the baby a dangerous tool or was grossly inattentive.  But it could have been much more innocent.

    Some PPs have had red flags about the LW.  I'm maybe getting mild vibes of that.  The drill, which on the face of it sounded super scary and so close to major injury/death, but it gave me a bit of a wonder if the LW might be over dramatic as to what happened.

    Not saying it isn't true just as she described, but I'm a full grown woman.  And I have used an automatic drill.  And they are heavy.  I'd think way too heavy for a 3-year-old to lift, much less have a hand big enough to hold it while pressing on the button.

    Perhaps if they were sitting on the floor.  With the drill bit happening to be right next to their leg.  While they happened to be playing with the button.  And have the strength to hold the button down, even for a few seconds, while presumably the drill is even starting to dig into their leg.

    That's a lot of perhaps-ing.  But stranger things have happened, especially with kids.  Still, I'm not so sure.

    There have been some tragedies in the news where parents took their eyes off of their kids for two seconds, and it hurts seeing all of the “where were the parents?!” comments.  We’re all human.  Accidents do happen.  But taking steps to prevent them helps.  I lean more towards LW wants to prevent something awful than that she’s being dramatic.  Toddlers shouldn’t play with drills.  My three (oldest just turned four) haven’t held a drill.  My H has tons of tools but he keeps them up high and away from the kids.  

    Ditto PP that this sounds like more than ADHD.  LW should really urge H to have cognitive testing, before there’s another death.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards