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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Cousins Joint Bridal Shower Invitation Conundrum
My first cousin and I are both getting married this year, so my paternal grandmother had the idea to plan a joint bridal shower for the two of us, which I am sure will be very nice. However, there is a complication related to who gets invited to the bridal shower, and by extension, our weddings.
I come from a big family. My father is one of six children, and his father is also one of six children. I have over 20 first cousins on that side of the family alone, and when I start counting first cousins once removed and second cousins, that number jumps to over 100.
It has always been family tradition that all of the descendants of my great-grandfather are invited to weddings. While I have no problem with my extended family, and am in fact very proud to be a part of it, I don't want to have a 400 person wedding. I plan to invite (and sent save-the-dates to) just my grandparents, great aunts and great uncles, aunts, uncles, and first cousins. Unfortunately, it looks like the joint shower may be throwing a wrench into that plan.
Today my grandmother group-texted my cousin, my aunt, my mom, and me to discuss logistics for the shower, which she has booked for the end of this month. She asked who we wanted to invite, and my aunt immediately listed off several first cousins once removed that I hadn't planned to invite to my wedding. Evidently, those people are invited to my cousin's wedding.
I thought about piping in to explain that I don't want my first cousins once removed at the shower, since they aren't invited to my wedding, but I'm worried that this will not go over well with my grandmother and aunt. Do I just need to suck it up and add all of my first cousins once removed to my wedding invitation list? I would really rather not, but I can't imagine that it's appropriate to invite the first cousins once removed to my bridal shower if they're not invited to my wedding. Help!
I come from a big family. My father is one of six children, and his father is also one of six children. I have over 20 first cousins on that side of the family alone, and when I start counting first cousins once removed and second cousins, that number jumps to over 100.
It has always been family tradition that all of the descendants of my great-grandfather are invited to weddings. While I have no problem with my extended family, and am in fact very proud to be a part of it, I don't want to have a 400 person wedding. I plan to invite (and sent save-the-dates to) just my grandparents, great aunts and great uncles, aunts, uncles, and first cousins. Unfortunately, it looks like the joint shower may be throwing a wrench into that plan.
Today my grandmother group-texted my cousin, my aunt, my mom, and me to discuss logistics for the shower, which she has booked for the end of this month. She asked who we wanted to invite, and my aunt immediately listed off several first cousins once removed that I hadn't planned to invite to my wedding. Evidently, those people are invited to my cousin's wedding.
I thought about piping in to explain that I don't want my first cousins once removed at the shower, since they aren't invited to my wedding, but I'm worried that this will not go over well with my grandmother and aunt. Do I just need to suck it up and add all of my first cousins once removed to my wedding invitation list? I would really rather not, but I can't imagine that it's appropriate to invite the first cousins once removed to my bridal shower if they're not invited to my wedding. Help!
Re: Cousins Joint Bridal Shower Invitation Conundrum
This entire thing sounds like a nightmare. For the reasons you said, plus like 1,000 more.
I'd 100% decline this. I would have declined his the second it was brought up.
ETA - at the end of THIS MONTH?!!? That's a max of 19 days away. And she's just now getting a preliminary guest list? How does she expect to plan this entire thing, mail invitations, collect RSVPs, etc. in such a short amount of time?
If you're not going to decline, you need to step in now and let grandma know that you're not inviting these people to your wedding and can't have them at the shower. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. She can't invite them to the shower as a backhanded way to force you into inviting them, and you shouldn't let her.
If you're really not comfortable discussing your guest list with grandma, cousin, et al, declining the shower is the best option.
You should decline, telling her you thought it was just going to be a lovely, intimate shower. Might as well tell Grandma that you can't invite all the extended family to your wedding. She will be disappointed, I'm sure, but this is so much better than embarrassing her later.
Powers &8^]
It could get really awkward when the shower guests assume they are invited to both weddings, bring gifts for both brides, and start chatting about the weddings.
Otherwise, as you and PPs point out, you're setting the stage for lots of feelings to get hurt. I'd tell your grandmother, "Thanks, Grandma, but because our wedding guest lists are not identical, a joint shower isn't a possibility."
What about your FI's family? Are they invited to this shower too? Will they then feel obligated to buy a gift for your cousin, even if they don't know her? That seems really awkward.
And is it solely for your grandmother's family, or are other friends and relatives from the other sides of your families invited? Do either you or your cousin have WP members who won't be part of both weddings?
If any of these things are the case, that could cause guests to feel pressured to give gifts to both of you and to assume they are invited to both weddings.
Another vote for declining this shower, especially given the timeline. As kind as it is of your grandmother to offer, it seems it will lead to confusion and hurt feelings.
To the bolded, yeah, but if you were one of the family members or friends of only one, wouldn't you feel obligated to bring a gift to the shower for the other bride? I would be very uncomfortable attending a joint party (especially gift-giving one!) with two guests of honor and I only acknowledge one.
OP, the absolute only way this can work is if the shower is very small and only includes aunts, uncles, first cousins, etc. of both of you and not including friends, fiancés' families or extended family. Then maybe someone else will offer a shower where those people can be invited.
ETA - Removed a sentence that was unnecessary after re-reading OP.
I'm curious when your wedding, and when your cousin's wedding, are being held? Are they relatively soon, and close together?
I agree that declining would be your best option; this gets easier if your wedding is still months away and your cousin's is first. You could say "thank you for the offer, but let's just celebrate Cousin on the 3rd". That way you don't need to explain you are not inviting these guests and it's clear the party is not for you.
But I'd get on that now. If Grandma is planning a shower for the weekend before the 4th then she may have already sent invitations. So call her and have that difficult conversation but be VERY thankful.
I respectfully disagree, especially with the bolded. I wouldn't allow anyone to make me look like an ass (because OP will if these people attend her shower and buy her a gift and then are not invited to her wedding) just to avoid family drama. We talk about boundaries all the time here, the same should apply for your (general you) family as it does in-laws. And you can't not invite someone to your wedding if they were invited to a shower but chose not to attend!
Unless grandma is willing to ONLY invite the group of people who are on both guest lists, this is going to be a train wreck and OP will be one of the people looking bad.
I attended a joint baby shower just last summer. I am friends with one of the moms. The other mom was my friend's SIL. They were both due about a month apart. So for them, it made sense to do the joint party. I only purchased a gift for my friend because up until that point, I had never met the SIL and only heard about her via stories from my friend.
They did not open gifts, but requested that everything be gifted in clear plastic wrappings. (I'm not a fan of not opening gifts at showers, but this made sense due to it being a joint shower.) So as people arrived, they had two tables, one for each mom. So you put your gift on the table of the mom you knew. Throughout the shower, guests were going up to look everything over and ooh and ahh at the tiny items.
Maybe because I wasn't hosting it and had nothing to do but show up, but this was one of the nicest showers I've been to in a very long time! I did not feel bad at all that I only brought one gift.
I think a joint shower could work out in specific situations. Say two siblings are getting married and they have the same guest list for their family. If FILs are invited to the shower, their invitations should only mention the one bride that is marrying their family member. Same with each individual's friends and wedding party.
In OPs situation things could get sticky if the cousins start chatting about her wedding at her shower, since they aren't all invited to both weddings.