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Wedding Etiquette Forum
emberdragon
member
Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout
My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.
A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.
Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!
A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.
Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!
Re: Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout
I will say your first mistake was asking him to be a fill-in. That’s a shitty thing to do. When your friend dropped out, you didn’t have to replace her. I’ve had that done to me before, and it’s honestly a crappy feeling. I wasn’t good enough to ask the first time around, but suddenly someone drops out and then I’m needed? I said yes when asked, but looking back on it now 15 years later, I should have said no. The whole experience was awkward.
If he blew off your wedding and didn’t show, that’s a shitty thing to do. It’s up to you if you want to continue the friendship.
The only thing I think you can do is to accept that your friendship is dead.
That being said, once he agreed to be a bridesman, he should not have bailed on your wedding without warning. Either he should have shown up or he should have told you a lot earlier that he did not want to be involved.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think this bridesman has made it pretty clear that he doesn't value your friendship. A letter telling him how disappointed you are is a waste of your time. You are better off distancing yourself and moving on.
That being said, he should have spoken to you earlier. The holiday is irrelevant- people are free to spend their time and money however they want. It has nothing to do with you.
I think you need to realise that you both behaved poorly but his was reactionary to you putting him in this situation. You were very mean to him to ask him to backfill and he was rude to bail.
I agree that I think this friendship is over. He has made it clear that you hurt him deeply and he is not interested in investing in your relationship. The only reaching out I would do is reach out to apologise for putting him in that situation.
OP, let it go. There's no need to drag this out.
I'm a big believer in making amends. If you want to continue the friendship, arrange to go out for coffee and then start by apologizing for making him a runner up. That was never appropriate. I would identify that although you made a mistake, you were disappointed that he didn't show and didn't let you know. Then, see what happens.
In saying all that, if you have no interest in taking responsibility for your poor decision making or making amends, let it go and the friendship too.
If he sends a wedding gift, send a thank you note for that. Do not send the passive aggressive disappointment note or the gift you planned to give him. It will not have desired effect of shaming him into being a better friend. Let it go.
Don't send the gift or a letter. If you want to save the friendship, try to reach him by phone.
I would probably start the convo with something like, "I miss our friendship and feel like it got derailed with my wedding. Looking back, I apologize I didn't ask you to be in my WP from the get-go..."
TBH, he's most likely to either just not take your call or swear that things are "fine". Because the path of least resistance is the one that most people take. And, OMG, he is obviously a "least resistance" kind of guy for not even fessing up he didn't want to be in the WP and/or couldn't make it. But at least you can try.
FWIW, although you erred first in asking him to be a "fill-in", I think totally bailing on the wedding was more egregious. He should have just been honest to begin with.
Call him. If it wasn't your wedding and someone said he'd be there for you and then at the last minute chose to do something else would you write a letter or would you just try to figure out WTF is going on? This is a phone call at minimum.
He needs space and you need to honor that because there's something going on that he's ghosting you and I'd be respectful of that space/boundary right now.