Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout

emberdragon · June 2018

My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!

climbingsingle · June 2018

emberdragon said:

My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!

So, he never actually showed up to the wedding?

I will say your first mistake was asking him to be a fill-in. That’s a shitty thing to do. When your friend dropped out, you didn’t have to replace her. I’ve had that done to me before, and it’s honestly a crappy feeling. I wasn’t good enough to ask the first time around, but suddenly someone drops out and then I’m needed? I said yes when asked, but looking back on it now 15 years later, I should have said no. The whole experience was awkward.

If he blew off your wedding and didn’t show, that’s a shitty thing to do. It’s up to you if you want to continue the friendship.

Jen4948 · June 2018

You B-listed him as a wedding party member and he decided to ghost on your wedding and the friendship.

The only thing I think you can do is to accept that your friendship is dead.

MobKaz · June 2018

emberdragon said:

My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!

How and when did you ask him to be a replacement? Was he taken off guard? was this request from you highly unexpected? Why would you describe his acceptance as "gladly"?

It sounds as if from the point when you asked him to be a replacement member, you had little to no contact with this "bestie". How did he "avoid" you? I would be curious to know from the time you asked him until the time just prior to the rehearsal, how many actual speaking conversations you had with this "bestie".

It's a shame he couldn't just tell you he did not wish to be a replacement wedding party member. It was wrong of him to not inform you that he had a change of heart. However, it was wrong of you to make him aware that he was an afterthought as well.

Keep the gift. You've lost the friendship.

downtondiva · June 2018

You should not have asked him to replace another friend in your wedding party. It's not right to replace someone who has to drop out; it makes the people who you ask after someone drops out feel unimportant, as if they are second best in your life. This is not a company where a job needs to be filled when someone leaves.

That being said, once he agreed to be a bridesman, he should not have bailed on your wedding without warning. Either he should have shown up or he should have told you a lot earlier that he did not want to be involved.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think this bridesman has made it pretty clear that he doesn't value your friendship. A letter telling him how disappointed you are is a waste of your time. You are better off distancing yourself and moving on.

LondonLisa · June 2018

emberdragon said:

My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently. Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!

It's incredibly hurtful to replace a bridesmaid. They are not jobs- they are a role to honour someone. You made it clear that this person was your B-List friend. That's pretty mean. No one likes to feel like they are a bestie only when other people can't make it. It would make me feel horrible and doubt our friendship. Of course, everyone understands when you aren't a BM, but to say you were the 1st runner up BM just sucks. If you didn't want him from the beginning I am not surprised he bailed. He was probably caught off guard when you asked him and didn't know what to say hence why he agreed. Then he thought about it and didn't know how to tell you how hurt he was.

That being said, he should have spoken to you earlier. The holiday is irrelevant- people are free to spend their time and money however they want. It has nothing to do with you.

I think you need to realise that you both behaved poorly but his was reactionary to you putting him in this situation. You were very mean to him to ask him to backfill and he was rude to bail.

I agree that I think this friendship is over. He has made it clear that you hurt him deeply and he is not interested in investing in your relationship. The only reaching out I would do is reach out to apologise for putting him in that situation.

artbyallie · June 2018

I'm really curious to know what "legal reasons" could prevent someone from being in a wedding party. I'm kind of stuck on that part.

holyguacamole79 · June 2018

artbyallie said:

I'm really curious to know what "legal reasons" could prevent someone from being in a wedding party. I'm kind of stuck on that part.

Same.

OP, let it go. There's no need to drag this out.

ernursej · June 2018

I'm a big believer in making amends. If you want to continue the friendship, arrange to go out for coffee and then start by apologizing for making him a runner up. That was never appropriate. I would identify that although you made a mistake, you were disappointed that he didn't show and didn't let you know. Then, see what happens.

In saying all that, if you have no interest in taking responsibility for your poor decision making or making amends, let it go and the friendship too.

bubblylove · June 2018

She did break etiquette by picking a backup. But man - compared to what he did that was nothing! What an ass. Grow up and tell your friend you aren't going to be there and why. I honestly would just do nothing. Who wants to be friends with someone who treats you like that?

MairePoppy · June 2018

It's a bit insulting to your friend to ask him to step in for your first choice friend who couldn't make it. Maybe his feelings were hurt after he gave it some thought. He should have done the adult thing and let you know that he changed is mind.

If he sends a wedding gift, send a thank you note for that. Do not send the passive aggressive disappointment note or the gift you planned to give him. It will not have desired effect of shaming him into being a better friend. Let it go.

short+sassy · June 2018

Don't send the gift or a letter. If you want to save the friendship, try to reach him by phone.

I would probably start the convo with something like, "I miss our friendship and feel like it got derailed with my wedding. Looking back, I apologize I didn't ask you to be in my WP from the get-go..."

TBH, he's most likely to either just not take your call or swear that things are "fine". Because the path of least resistance is the one that most people take. And, OMG, he is obviously a "least resistance" kind of guy for not even fessing up he didn't want to be in the WP and/or couldn't make it. But at least you can try.

FWIW, although you erred first in asking him to be a "fill-in", I think totally bailing on the wedding was more egregious. He should have just been honest to begin with.

banana468 · June 2018

I think it's not nice to treat someone as a replacement but ghosting you and no showing is just off.

Call him. If it wasn't your wedding and someone said he'd be there for you and then at the last minute chose to do something else would you write a letter or would you just try to figure out WTF is going on? This is a phone call at minimum.

MesmrEwe · June 2018

OP - write your letter of disappointment... put it in an envelope, go outside near a fire pit, and light a match to burn it up while enjoying a cupcake from your baker and your favorite adult beverage. If you can return the gift you were going to give him, do so, if you can't, open it up and enjoy using it yourself because sure AF I would highly recommend NOT sending it nor the letter of disappointment. There is a lot of dynamic that everyone here would have counseled you through before you even asked him but as the saying goes "it's a little late for that". Truth is he no-showed your wedding, why would you send him a gift and passive-aggressive note? If the gift was personalized, there's ways a good artist can turn that into something not personalized to him.

He needs space and you need to honor that because there's something going on that he's ghosting you and I'd be respectful of that space/boundary right now.

STARMOON44 · June 2018

Don’t. If you want to preserve the friendship pick up the phone and call him. Don’t send a gift that’s weird and passive aggressive

VerizonGirl · July 2018

Pre-wedding weirdness aside, he was to stand up for you and he didn't. No need to send him anything at all, no need to talk to him again. Clearly he's not that into you.

Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout

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