Wedding Etiquette Forum

Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout

My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently.  Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!

Re: Addressing a Sudden Bridesman Dropout

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My wedding went as well as it could have gone but now, after writing the thank you cards I need help address a bridesman who, quite frankly, I feel failed me last minute.

    A tiny bit of backstory, I had a bridesmaid step down for legal reasons a few months prior to my wedding, completely understandable, so I asked another bestie to be a bridesman, he gladly said yes. Months passed and he avoided me, then missed the deadline for the suits, which wasn't a big deal as I knew he owned a few suits and he was standing as the only man on my side so it wasn't a big deal that he would be dressed differently.  Then he avoided talking to me for the longest time and when I messaged him right before the rehearsal to make sure he was going to be there, he messaged me (he lives 5 hours away) and said he wasn't coming but then showed pictures the next week on social media of him going to the beach for a week on vacation.

    Now I am going to send him the gift I had made for him anyway with a letter expressing my disappointment and how I'm hurt from his actions, but I don't want to completely ruin a friendship over this. I will take any suggestions on how to write this as tactfully as possible. Thanks in advance guys!
     It's incredibly hurtful to replace a bridesmaid. They are not jobs- they are a role to honour someone. You made it clear that this person was your B-List friend. That's pretty mean. No one likes to feel like they are a bestie only when other people can't make it. It would make me feel horrible and doubt our friendship. Of course, everyone understands when you aren't a BM, but to say you were the 1st runner up BM just sucks.  If you didn't want him from the beginning I am not surprised he bailed. He was probably caught off guard when you asked him and didn't know what to say hence why he agreed. Then he thought about it and didn't know how to tell you how hurt he was.  

    That being said, he should have spoken to you earlier. The holiday is irrelevant- people are free to spend their time and money however they want. It has nothing to do with you. 

    I think you need to realise that you both behaved poorly but his was reactionary to you putting him in this situation. You were very mean to him to ask him to backfill and he was rude to bail.  

    I agree that I think this friendship is over. He has made it clear that you hurt him deeply and he is not interested in investing in your relationship.  The only reaching out I would do is reach out to apologise for putting him in that situation.

    InLoveInQueensernursejMyNameIsNotahoywedding
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm really curious to know what "legal reasons" could prevent someone from being in a wedding party. I'm kind of stuck on that part.

    Same.

    OP, let it go.  There's no need to drag this out.
    STARMOON44
  • I'm a big believer in making amends. If you want to continue the friendship, arrange to go out for coffee and then start by apologizing for making him a runner up. That was never appropriate. I would identify that although you made a mistake, you were disappointed that he didn't show and didn't let you know. Then, see what happens.

    In saying all that, if you have no interest in taking responsibility for your poor decision making or making amends, let it go and the friendship too.

    ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • She did break etiquette by picking a backup. But man - compared to what he did that was nothing! What an ass. Grow up and tell your friend you aren't going to be there and why. I honestly would just do nothing. Who wants to be friends with someone who treats you like that? 
    SachaBee
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's a bit insulting to your friend to ask him to step in for your first choice friend who couldn't make it. Maybe his feelings were hurt after he gave it some thought. He should have done the adult thing and let you know that he changed is mind.

    If he sends a wedding gift, send a thank you note for that. Do not send the passive aggressive disappointment note or the gift you planned to give him. It will not have desired effect of shaming him into being a better friend. Let it go.
                       
    MobKazShesSoColdahoywedding
  • OP - write your letter of disappointment... put it in an envelope, go outside near a fire pit, and light a match to burn it up while enjoying a cupcake from your baker and your favorite adult beverage.  If you can return the gift you were going to give him, do so, if you can't, open it up and enjoy using it yourself because sure AF I would highly recommend NOT sending it nor the letter of disappointment.  There is a lot of dynamic that everyone here would have counseled you through before you even asked him but as the saying goes "it's a little late for that".  Truth is he no-showed your wedding, why would you send him a gift and passive-aggressive note?  If the gift was personalized, there's ways a good artist can turn that into something not personalized to him.  

    He needs space and you need to honor that because there's something going on that he's ghosting you and I'd be respectful of that space/boundary right now.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    ahoyweddingshort+sassyzitiqueen
  • Pre-wedding weirdness aside, he was to stand up for you and he didn't.  No need to send him anything at all, no need to talk to him again.  Clearly he's not that into you.
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