Do we give her a plus one?

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 · June 2018

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

missJeanLouise · June 2018

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If she is in a relationship when invitations are mailed, her Significant Other should be invited by name. If you are unsure if she is in a relationship, ask her.

Eta: unless she is naming a person who has threatened or hurt someone, be the bigger person and invite them. By inviting them by name on the invitation, your FH will be able to tell her no if she tries to substitute. (Let him handle her since blood talks to blood in these situations)

ShesSoCold · June 2018

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

None of the backstory is necessary. If she is truly single, a plus one is not necessary. If she's in a relationship at the time of your wedding, he needs to be invited by name.

climbingsingle · June 2018

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

Does she consider herself in a relationship with someone? If so, then yes, you must give invite her SO. If she's truly single, you don't have to give her a plus one.

Also, what has happened during wedding planning that required you to get therapy??

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 · June 2018

Backstory was included because some of the advice I had given was met with questions about how close we are to her and the whole point was - not close. But totally see what you mean. She is 100% single, and if she were in a relationship we would know and he would be invited. Thank you!

MyNameIsNot · June 2018

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

banana468 · June 2018

If she's in a relationship then the significant other needs to be invited. If she's single you don't need to give her a plus one.

bubblylove · June 2018

Sounds like she doesn't have a regular boyfriend. So question is a plus one - are all the other single siblings getting a plus one? Then yes, she gets one too. Treat people fairly.

short+sassy · June 2018

bubblylove said:

Sounds like she doesn't have a regular boyfriend. So question is a plus one - are all the other single siblings getting a plus one? Then yes, she gets one too. Treat people fairly.

I completely agree with this. Treating her differently compared to the other siblings would be hurtful. It doesn't matter if she has kids and they don't. Or if you all get along better with them as compared to her.

If it is already an iffy relationship, that will just make things a lot worse. And, for what? One extra plate? Her "potentially" bringing someone that you and your FI find "unsavory"? I'm not trying to downplay your all's feelings, but this really isn't a big deal if you think about the logistics. You all are going to be BUSY at your reception. You'll probably talk to her date for a few minutes max. to thank him for coming. That's it. Unless he causes a disturbance which even for a jerk is unlikely, you all aren't even going to notice him.

MyNameIsNot · June 2018

short+sassy said:

bubblylove said:

Sounds like she doesn't have a regular boyfriend. So question is a plus one - are all the other single siblings getting a plus one? Then yes, she gets one too. Treat people fairly.

I completely agree with this. Treating her differently compared to the other siblings would be hurtful. It doesn't matter if she has kids and they don't. Or if you all get along better with them as compared to her.
If it is already an iffy relationship, that will just make things a lot worse. And, for what? One extra plate? Her "potentially" bringing someone that you and your FI find "unsavory"? I'm not trying to downplay your all's feelings, but this really isn't a big deal if you think about the logistics. You all are going to be BUSY at your reception. You'll probably talk to her date for a few minutes max. to thank him for coming. That's it. Unless he causes a disturbance which even for a jerk is unlikely, you all aren't even going to notice him.

She said she was giving the other siblings plus ones in the OP. I agree that singling her out is a jerk move. It really sounds like OP doesn't want this sister to bring her kids. She mentions it twice.

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

MairePoppy · June 2018

Are all the other siblings being allowed to bring random dates or are they bringing significant others? If they are allowed to bring randos, than yes, the same courtesy should be extended to the sister. If you know the sister is planning to bring someone that might be a actual threat to your other guests, you may choose not to offer the +1. Safety trumps etiquette. But if your reasons are more about you not liking him, even for good reason, you shouldn't exclude him. The good news is that after you thank him for coming, you won't have to interact with him throughout your reception.

banana468 · June 2018

Never mind - if the other siblings get plus one she should too.

While the choice of date may not be what you want, it's also not something that should have a large effect on your wedding.

climbingsingle · June 2018

I change my answer too. If other siblings are single and allowed to bring a date, then you must let your sister too.

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 · June 2018

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

People absolutely do go to jail for revenge porn. It's considered sexual assault. No one who has sexually assaulted anyone would be welcome at my wedding.

banana468 · June 2018

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

People absolutely do go to jail for revenge porn. It's considered sexual assault. No one who has sexually assaulted anyone would be welcome at my wedding.

It looks like it really depends on the state as to whether or not it's a felony. In NY and CT for example its a misdemeanor but in other states it's a felony. It appears to be classified as harassment and not assault unless a victim is under age.

Jen4948 · June 2018

If all your other unattached siblings are being invited with plus-ones, not inviting this sister with a plus-one, regardless of your intentions, will be interpreted as an act of spiteful meanness. This is one battle I wouldn't pick.

I'd give her a plus-one and if whomever she brings behaves inappropriately, venue security or other staff should escort him out.

ahoywedding · June 2018

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

People absolutely do go to jail for revenge porn. It's considered sexual assault. No one who has sexually assaulted anyone would be welcome at my wedding.

You're right that the punishment for revenge porn is jail time in most states. (Jail =/= prison; since you said prison before I think that's where the confusion came in.)

But it would be treating her unfairly to not allow her a plus one since the other siblings are getting a plus one. It's typically fair to not allow someone at your wedding you specifically feel is unsafe or will cause harm to you or another guest, but you can't blanket-judge every plus one she may possibly bring by saying they're all terrible people. Maybe she'd bring a female friend or something, who knows. Ask the name of her plus one like you'd do for everyone ("Hi, Sara, please let me know who you're bringing to the wedding by x date, I need to finalize the seating chart.")
eta: If you and your FI don't feel comfortable with the specific guest she plans to bring, he should have that conversation with her.

And it does sound like you have a terrible attitude regarding her children. These young children will be your family once you're married, please don't do anything that would make them feel they're unwelcome. They did not put themselves in the situation they're in.

short+sassy · June 2018

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

People absolutely do go to jail for revenge porn. It's considered sexual assault. No one who has sexually assaulted anyone would be welcome at my wedding.

That is perhaps fair enough. But, if I'm understanding everything correctly from your second post, right now all of this is hypothetical. Based on nothing else then that she usually dates felons/bad guys/etc. Though isn't even casually dating anyone right now.

Give her a plus one and THEN if she chooses to invite someone who would be a danger to other guests, have a word with her. Or hire/alert security. But to not give her a plus one is your FI basically telling his sister, "Your choice in men is so bad that we don't even trust you to bring a date to our wedding." Which, while true, is the kind of thing that could foster bad blood for years to come with both his sister and his whole family.

She might not even bring a romantic date. She might go alone. Or bring a friend.

Of course, all of this is moot if she has an SO at the time invites go out. Then that person would be addressed by name on the invite.

downtondiva · June 2018

short+sassy said:

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie9d9f8c43d2040409 said:

Backstory: My fiance's family has been a nightmare for both of us throughout the entire wedding planning process. I am in therapy because of it and my fiance has asked his family to refrain from being involved from now own. A integral part of this misery has been his sister, who has been quite rude about things, especially to my fiance.

His sister has three young kids, and they are all invited to the wedding, which is fine. The problem we are having is that we are unsure about giving her a plus one because we are paying for all of her kids and her to attend the wedding already. We are nervous, because the men his sister brings around are without fail quite scary, and I mean scary (like in and out of prison for revenge porn scary).

So, should we give her a plus one? Is it horribly rude not to, given the circumstances? We want our wedding to be pleasant, but we also do not want to be rude, especially because our other siblings (who do not have kids) are getting a plus one, but they also have not been extremely rude and out of line throughout our planning process.

If you're giving your other single guests a plus one, you should give his sister one too. You can ask all of your single guests to respond to the RSVP with the name of their plus one. If sister invites someone that poses a risk to other guests, as in a child molester, your FI can tell her that person is unwelcome.

People don't go to prison for revenge porn. It's not a felony. Even if they did, that's not something that should bar someone from your wedding. As long as no one is posing naked for the sister's date, they're not at risk from him.

People absolutely do go to jail for revenge porn. It's considered sexual assault. No one who has sexually assaulted anyone would be welcome at my wedding.

That is perhaps fair enough. But, if I'm understanding everything correctly from your second post, right now all of this is hypothetical. Based on nothing else then that she usually dates felons/bad guys/etc. Though isn't even casually dating anyone right now.
Give her a plus one and THEN if she chooses to invite someone who would be a danger to other guests, have a word with her. Or hire/alert security. But to not give her a plus one is your FI basically telling his sister, "Your choice in men is so bad that we don't even trust you to bring a date to our wedding." Which, while true, is the kind of thing that could foster bad blood for years to come with both his sister and his whole family.
She might not even bring a romantic date. She might go alone. Or bring a friend.
Of course, all of this is moot if she has an SO at the time invites go out. Then that person would be addressed by name on the invite.

I think this is the best way to handle it. As unfortunate as it is that your FSIL keeps getting involved with bad guys, wedding invitations should not be used to scold people for their life choices. Keeping her from bringing a plus-one when you're allowing all the other siblings bring one would be doing just that.
Let her bring a date and if she chooses someone that you know would pose a safety threat to the guests, then you can talk to her about it. But don't anticipate trouble now. Besides, if you think she's being rude now, wait until she thinks you are passing judgment on her over this. People can get extremely defensive about their romantic partners, even those that are not good for them.

I realize there's a pattern here with your FSIL, but the reality is that anyone who is given a plus-one could show up with someone you would consider a bad guy. While you should absolutely consider the safety of your guests, you cannot decide that people can't bring plus-ones because someone with a jail record might show up. You only have so much control over this, even with family.

MrsMack10612 · June 2018

I think something being missed is that she and her FI are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. If they give her a plus one, are they going to be expected to pay for the potential random date as well?

ShesSoCold · June 2018

MrsMack10612 said:

I think something being missed is that she and her FI are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. If they give her a plus one, are they going to be expected to pay for the potential random date as well?

STUCK

Um, yeah. Hosts pay for guests. Who else would? You're wording it to sound like it's absurd for the host of a party to pay for their guests.

MrsMack10612 · June 2018

ShesSoCold said:

MrsMack10612 said:

I think something being missed is that she and her FI are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. If they give her a plus one, are they going to be expected to pay for the potential random date as well?

STUCK

Um, yeah. Hosts pay for guests. Who else would? You're wording it to sound like it's absurd for the host of a party to pay for their guests.

STUCK ALSO

Her OP says they are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. To me that implies paying for the their travel expenses, not typical guest costs.

ShesSoCold · June 2018

MrsMack10612 said:

ShesSoCold said:

MrsMack10612 said:

I think something being missed is that she and her FI are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. If they give her a plus one, are they going to be expected to pay for the potential random date as well?

STUCK

Um, yeah. Hosts pay for guests. Who else would? You're wording it to sound like it's absurd for the host of a party to pay for their guests.

STUCK ALSO

Her OP says they are paying for the sister and the kids to attend. To me that implies paying for the their travel expenses, not typical guest costs.

Oooooooooh okay I didn't read it like that! Interesting; I'd like clarification from OP on that.

MrsMack10612 · June 2018

@ShesSoCold

Me too.

There are a lot of "ifs" to consider:

IF they are paying her travel costs
IF she really has been as awful as OP says
IF she brings an unsavory character

I can see sister expecting them to pay for the plus one's travel expenses and I can say without a doubt, I would not be paying the expenses for some random, possibly unsavory character.

short+sassy · June 2018

MrsMack10612 said:

@ShesSoCold

Me too.

There are a lot of "ifs" to consider:

IF they are paying her travel costs
IF she really has been as awful as OP says
IF she brings an unsavory character

I can see sister expecting them to pay for the plus one's travel expenses and I can say without a doubt, I would not be paying the expenses for some random, possibly unsavory character.

Interesting. I hadn't read the post that way. I'd still say give a Plus One, but that person would be on their own for any extra travel expenses.

If there is an SO by the time invites go out, I still think it would be fine to say, "We've budgeted $XXX for your travel. However you want to split that up/who to bring/chip in the rest, is up to you."

Do we give her a plus one?

Re: Do we give her a plus one?

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