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[Deleted User] · July 2018

Closed

climbingsingle · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Hello! Trying to figure out what to do here - I have two questions.

1. Co-workers. So my FH and I work in the same office suite (we live in a VERY small town and work in the same field - employment options are extremely limited, story for another day). We will both be inviting our bosses with their wives. We are also inviting three other co-workers who all sit within 30 feet of us (FH works around the corner in the office from me). In total, his small team of 3 people plus 2 other people on neither of our immediate teams, plus my boss are all invited. Outside of the bosses, we hang out with all of those people on a regular basis outside of work. HOWEVER, I have one more person on my Team whom I never see outside of work. I don't *hate her, but I don't really like her much either, she drives me mildly crazy. Considering these unique circumstances, do I have to invite her???

2. Plus-ones. Okay so FH has a HUMONGOUS family. We went to his two cousin's weddings (one after the other, they are brothers - they are FH's dad's nephews, so FH's dad's sister's sons - sorry about the craziness). They invited FH's parents with FH, his brother, sister, and me. FH's sister has been dating someone for about a year and lives with him. They didn't invite him to the weddings. To be fair, she is very unpredictable and kindof a loose canon who could be buying a puppy with a guy one day, and breaking up with him the next. Anyway, FH's dad made a BIG stink about it to his sister (mother of the grooms) who responded with "well I never know who she's dating". FH's dad wants us to not invite her other two daughter's relatively long-term boyfriends to the wedding. Note that one of the daughters lives with her bf, whom we've met, and they've been together for a few years. The other daughter hasn't been dating her bf for long and they are about to be long-distance in different countries. Considering these circumstances, what do we do???

Thank you for your help!
-Mel

1. Just so I'm understanding this properly, you're inviting everyone on your team except for one person?

2. You need to invite the SOs of every guest. If they consider themselves to be in a relationship, that person needs to be invited.

banana468 · July 2018

1) If what you're proposing is to exclude one coworker I wouldn't do it.

2) No. Your FIL is trying to propose being rude because someone was rude to him. Tell your FIL to get over it and you won't pull this eye for an eye bullshit (obviously don't say it that way. It needs to be, "Of course we can't be rude to them because they were rude to you. The two boyfriends need to be invited. We'll seat them by the speakers.")

The rule for dates needs to be that someone in a relationship is invited with the partner. Length of relationship doesn't matter - it's whether or not the relationship exists.

MRDCle · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Hello! Trying to figure out what to do here - I have two questions.

1. Co-workers. So my FH and I work in the same office suite (we live in a VERY small town and work in the same field - employment options are extremely limited, story for another day). We will both be inviting our bosses with their wives. We are also inviting three other co-workers who all sit within 30 feet of us (FH works around the corner in the office from me). In total, his small team of 3 people plus 2 other people on neither of our immediate teams, plus my boss are all invited. Outside of the bosses, we hang out with all of those people on a regular basis outside of work. HOWEVER, I have one more person on my Team whom I never see outside of work. I don't *hate her, but I don't really like her much either, she drives me mildly crazy. Considering these unique circumstances, do I have to invite her???

2. Plus-ones. Okay so FH has a HUMONGOUS family. We went to his two cousin's weddings (one after the other, they are brothers - they are FH's dad's nephews, so FH's dad's sister's sons - sorry about the craziness). They invited FH's parents with FH, his brother, sister, and me. FH's sister has been dating someone for about a year and lives with him. They didn't invite him to the weddings. To be fair, she is very unpredictable and kindof a loose canon who could be buying a puppy with a guy one day, and breaking up with him the next. Anyway, FH's dad made a BIG stink about it to his sister (mother of the grooms) who responded with "well I never know who she's dating". FH's dad wants us to not invite her other two daughter's relatively long-term boyfriends to the wedding. Note that one of the daughters lives with her bf, whom we've met, and they've been together for a few years. The other daughter hasn't been dating her bf for long and they are about to be long-distance in different countries. Considering these circumstances, what do we do???

Thank you for your help!
-Mel

1. If you are inviting 75% of your team, I would personally just invite the last person and her SO to make it less awkward. You will probably spend no more than 2 minutes with her the whole day.
2. If someone is in a relationship, no matter what the length, their SO should be invited BY NAME.

short+sassy · July 2018

1. If the co-worker is the only person on your "Team" that wouldn't be invited, I think you should invite her. People spend so much time at work, you don't want to do anything that could make things feel awkward or hurt her feelings. Of course, I'm not saying people always need to invite their coworkers. But when it's a group of 3 or group of 5 or whatever. And everyone gets invited, except one person. It can feel awful to be that one person.

2. I'm going to give some definitions. An SO stand for Significant Other. That is someone with whom one of your guests is dating seriously. And it is THEIR definition of dating seriously. It doesn't matter if the couple has only gone on one date. An SO must always be invited to a wedding, by name, on the same invitation with your guest.

A Plus One is offering to let a guest bring an extra person. Whether that is someone they're casually dating but don't feel it is "SO" territory yet (by their definition) or their mom or their BFF or whomever. It is not necessary to give your guests a Plus One.

In addition, even if a guest doesn't have an SO right now...if they do by the time the invites go out...that SO needs to be invited also. As such, you also need to take that into account and have potential space/budget available.

If you all want to keep a rein on numbers, invite in "circles". Especially when it comes to family. 30-50 first cousins, including their SO's? Then don't invite every, single one of them. Invite none or the few that you and your H are closer to. Family might squawk, but it's perfectly fine to keep your wedding more limited.

ei34 · July 2018

I’d invite the only person on your team not invited. You’ll see her for a few minutes day of.

What your FFIL is proposing is extremely petty and immature. You must invite the SO’s.

levioosa · July 2018

You need to invite all of these people.

Leaving out one person out of everyone on your team will feel shitty and petty to her. You’ll barely have to interact with her. Not inviting her can have work ramifications.

Anyone in a relationship, regardless of length of time together, needs to be invited. FFIL is being petty and ridiculous.

downtondiva · July 2018

Do not exclude one person from your team. The only interaction you are required to have with her at your wedding is to say hello and thank her for coming. Avoiding 1-2 minutes of interacting with her at your wedding is not worth long-term fallout at work, which is definitely a possibility.

Significant others need to be invited. Yes, it was wrong for these relatives not to invite your FSIL's boyfriend, but there's no reason to continue the pettiness. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Jen4948 · July 2018

As much as you might like to exclude that one co-worker, I wouldn't do it because sadly, your office relationship could suffer if you do. I would suck it up and invite her with her SO if she has one.

If your FI's sister is in a relationship, then her SO must also be invited, regardless of how your FFIL feels about it.

MobKaz · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Hello! Trying to figure out what to do here - I have two questions.

1. Co-workers. So my FH and I work in the same office suite (we live in a VERY small town and work in the same field - employment options are extremely limited, story for another day). We will both be inviting our bosses with their wives. We are also inviting three other co-workers who all sit within 30 feet of us (FH works around the corner in the office from me). In total, his small team of 3 people plus 2 other people on neither of our immediate teams, plus my boss are all invited. Outside of the bosses, we hang out with all of those people on a regular basis outside of work. HOWEVER, I have one more person on my Team whom I never see outside of work. I don't *hate her, but I don't really like her much either, she drives me mildly crazy. Considering these unique circumstances, do I have to invite her???

2. Plus-ones. Okay so FH has a HUMONGOUS family. We went to his two cousin's weddings (one after the other, they are brothers - they are FH's dad's nephews, so FH's dad's sister's sons - sorry about the craziness). They invited FH's parents with FH, his brother, sister, and me. FH's sister has been dating someone for about a year and lives with him. They didn't invite him to the weddings. To be fair, she is very unpredictable and kindof a loose canon who could be buying a puppy with a guy one day, and breaking up with him the next. Anyway, FH's dad made a BIG stink about it to his sister (mother of the grooms) who responded with "well I never know who she's dating". FH's dad wants us to not invite her other two daughter's relatively long-term boyfriends to the wedding. Note that one of the daughters lives with her bf, whom we've met, and they've been together for a few years. The other daughter hasn't been dating her bf for long and they are about to be long-distance in different countries. Considering these circumstances, what do we do???

Thank you for your help!
-Mel

Even though these people are co-workers, if they have SO's, you must invite them as well, even if you have not met them. In total, you are looking at the potential of 6 from his small team, plus 4 other people on neither of your immediate teams.

LondonLisa · July 2018

of course you have to invite everyone's SO- that is a given.

But more to the point with your colleague, what are you going to do Monday after your wedding? What are you going to do when Debbie and Bob are loudly saying how nice the cake was and Susan joins in saying the DJ was fun? Are you just going to let this woman have to sit there slowly realising that everyone in the office was invited to a party except her? When they all turn to her and say "Pamela, we missed you, were you not feeling well?" and she has to gather her courage to reply "actually I wasn't invited". Because that sounds seriously mean and incredibly awkward. It also makes you look like a petty, vindictive jerk.

[Deleted User] · July 2018

Oh, those were two separate questions . . . almost all of the coworkers are single - they won't be getting plus ones. For the ones who are not single, their SOs are invited. The first question was about another coworker, the second was about plus ones for family :-)

banana468 · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Oh, those were two separate questions . . . almost all of the coworkers are single - they won't be getting plus ones. For the ones who are not single, their SOs are invited. The first question was about another coworker, the second was about plus ones for family :-)

OK. The point is that any guest in any kind of relationship needs to be invited with the SO. It doesn't matter how long that relationship is. A "plus one" is only when someone isn't in a relationship and you're extending the option of a random date. A boyfriend isn't a plus one.

LondonLisa · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Oh, those were two separate questions . . . almost all of the coworkers are single - they won't be getting plus ones. For the ones who are not single, their SOs are invited. The first question was about another coworker, the second was about plus ones for family :-)

you are completely misunderstanding what was said. The man who lives with your FH's sister is not a plus one. That is a SO. You invite all SOs.

And for "almost all single"- your coworkers who are not single need to have their SO's invited too.

The rule applies to everyone. Doesn't really matter if they are two separate questions.

InLoveInQueens · July 2018

Guests in relationships are invited as a couple, even if you don't think it's serious enough, even if you don't like their SO, even if you haven't met them. If they consider themselves in a relationship with someone, you invite them together, by name.

"Plus One" is for single guests, guests who are not in a relationship when you send invites out ~6 weeks before the wedding, if you have the room and budget for them. They are not required. It is not for guests seeing someone, again, you invite their SO by name.

You invite everyone you've asked about, because otherwise you are being incredibly rude and it's going to reflect badly on you. Do not purposefully exclude someone's SO just to get some weird petty "revenge", be the bigger person and do the right thing.

[Deleted User] · July 2018

So sorry, this was meant for a different comment!

ShesSoCold · July 2018

So, then, love dumpling, what's your reasoning for deleting this one?

[Deleted User] · July 2018

Because of people like you :-) I got my answers, now it's just becoming rude. Thank you for your opinion and I hope your life gets better. I actually mean that.

banana468 · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Because of people like you :-) I got my answers, now it's just becoming rude. Thank you for your opinion and I hope your life gets better. I actually mean that.

I know you're new here so please understand that it's considered to be poor netiquette to delete your thread or change the original wording without making some kind of comment like, "ETA" for Edited to Add.

When you delete the thread or try to close it, it will often create the opposite effect that you want. It's a bit of a bat signal to anyone looking. And while this may not be how you feel, often the tone is: knottie posted a question about how to do something that's a bad idea, knottie was told that was a bad idea and why it was a bad idea and now knottie is either realizing that it was a bad idea or is feeling defensive about still following through with the bad idea. Then the knottie responds often not well to the criticism and makes some kind of an insult about how people married shouldn't be giving wedding advice, knottie is sorry for the spouses of those giving advice and it's sounding a lot of sour grapes.

So PLEASE consider that message when you go in and make the adjustments to your thread. And please understand that many knotties are giving you advice to avoid you making poor choices in both your business and personal life.

[Deleted User] · July 2018

Thank you, this is really good, constructive feedback. And by "Closed", I mean, there was a way to select "question answered" or something along those lines. And also, on the homepage of the forum it has many closed threads - the previous time I posted it was closed, that is all I am looking to do, as people are very very upset that I have posted twice!! I hope that makes sense.

thisismynickname2 · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Thank you, this is really good, constructive feedback. And by "Closed", I mean, there was a way to select "question answered" or something along those lines. And also, on the homepage of the forum it has many closed threads - the previous time I posted it was closed, that is all I am looking to do, as people are very very upset that I have posted twice!! I hope that makes sense.

"Closed" is usually when a zombie thread gets resurrected after like, 6 months or more of no one responding. Only the mods do that. If you want to ask a question, there is a way to post an actual question rather than discussion. That allows you to mark an answer, and then the post on the homepage reflects as "Answered."
Alas, most posts are simple discussions and the original poster can't control how many responses occur.
The only other reason a mod would close a discussion to additional posting is if things got super heated and out of hand.

This is a pretty normal discussion OP, so no worries here.

ShesSoCold · July 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Thank you, this is really good, constructive feedback. And by "Closed", I mean, there was a way to select "question answered" or something along those lines. And also, on the homepage of the forum it has many closed threads - the previous time I posted it was closed, that is all I am looking to do, as people are very very upset that I have posted twice!! I hope that makes sense.

Threads are closed when they've been inactive for extended periods of time, like 6 months or more.

And I think you're misreading our tones. We might be a little snarky but I seriously doubt any of us a very very upset over a double post on an internet message board.

But thank you for your hope that my life gets better. Not sure how you know anything about me or what my life is currently like, but things can always get better!

[Deleted User] · July 2018

Oh thank you, @thisismynickname2 this is very helpful. thisismynickname2 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Thank you, this is really good, constructive feedback. And by "Closed", I mean, there was a way to select "question answered" or something along those lines. And also, on the homepage of the forum it has many closed threads - the previous time I posted it was closed, that is all I am looking to do, as people are very very upset that I have posted twice!! I hope that makes sense.

"Closed" is usually when a zombie thread gets resurrected after like, 6 months or more of no one responding. Only the mods do that. If you want to ask a question, there is a way to post an actual question rather than discussion. That allows you to mark an answer, and then the post on the homepage reflects as "Answered."
Alas, most posts are simple discussions and the original poster can't control how many responses occur.
The only other reason a mod would close a discussion to additional posting is if things got super heated and out of hand.

This is a pretty normal discussion OP, so no worries here.

holyguacamole79 · July 2018

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