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Do we send thank you cards to those who didn't attend and didn't send a gift?

knottieadd7917787179e5cknottieadd7917787179e5c member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
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Re: Do we send thank you cards to those who didn't attend and didn't send a gift?

  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Your instinct that it’d be awkward is correct...what would you be thanking them for?  You don’t need to send the didn’t attend + didn’t send a gift crowd a thank you.
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  • knottieadd7917787179e5cknottieadd7917787179e5c member
    First Comment
    Thank you everyone for your responses!  I'm glad my instinct was correct - what would we be thanking them for?   :|
    We will send the cards only to those who gave a gift.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
    I think it’s a weird passive aggressive dig. Sure, you don’t have to give a gift. No prob. Having not done so you don’t get a thank you. If you’re a wedding party member you or contributed in some way you get a thank you for that service, not because you showed up. It’s certainly, at a minimum, not required. 
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2018
    STARMOON44 said:
    MobKaz said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
    I think it’s a weird passive aggressive dig. Sure, you don’t have to give a gift. No prob. Having not done so you don’t get a thank you. If you’re a wedding party member you or contributed in some way you get a thank you for that service, not because you showed up. It’s certainly, at a minimum, not required. 
    That's an interesting perspective.  I don't typically run on "defensive" mode, however. I also cannot or will not waste time reading "between lines" or with a "sensitive" eye.

    I have had several occasions where I have been genuinely appreciative of someone's attendance at an event.  I have written a note simply to express that appreciation.  I have received notes in kind.  I have yet to interpret it as anything other than an act of courtesy and kindness.

    OP can consider both perspectives and follow her gut.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
    You (general) certainly Can write a thank you note for attending but there is nothing wrong with not doing so. The guest should have been thanked in person at the reception, so thanking them again is redundant. Nothing wrong with doing it again, but also not required.
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  • knottieae8af736662ece6dknottieae8af736662ece6d member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    If they didn't attend and didn't send a gift, what would you thank them for?

    I say no, there is no obligation. I am not even sure what such a note would say, other than "sorry you couldn't be there".
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  • knottieae8af736662ece6dknottieae8af736662ece6d member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    MairePoppy said:
    What would you thank them for if they didn't send a gift or attend your wedding?

    IMO, you should only send thank you notes to those that sent gifts, whether they attended your wedding or not. Sending a thank you for attending, when the guest didn't send a gift, might be regarded as a hint. The reception is the thank you for all who attended your ceremony. Additionally, you should thank each guest for celebrating with you. You can do that with a reception line after the ceremony or by table visits at the reception.
    I disagree with this. I think if someone took the time to attend, especially if they came from out of town, you should send a thank you note even if they didn't give a gift. If you don't send a thank you note I feel like that sends a message too, that you didn't appreciate their presence enough to send a thank you note.
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  • knottieae8af736662ece6dknottieae8af736662ece6d member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    MobKaz said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
    I agree with this 100%. When one of my second cousins got married, I had just lost my job and had my car destroyed, and I couldn't afford to give more than a $50 gift from her registry on top of the cost of flying across the country to attend. She sent us a nice thank you note anyway, which I appreciated. I still feel bad for not giving enough to cover the cost of our plates (TBH, I also didn't really know about that unwritten requirement back then), but I would like to think she appreciated us making the trip. I was invited on the same invitation as my dad, who did not attend but sent money, so hopefully it was not too much of a faux pas. If they have a baby they will get a nice gift from me now that I am working again.
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  • knottieae8af736662ece6dknottieae8af736662ece6d member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Jen4948 said:
    No, you don't need to send anyone a thank-you note unless they gave you a gift. Presumably you thanked those who attended your wedding by greeting them at your reception.
    I disagree. If they attended you should send a thank you note for them taking the time to attend. But if they did not attend and did not send a gift I am not sure what you would say in a thank you note. What is there to thank them for?
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    MobKaz said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    knottieadd7917787179e5c said:
    Our wedding was about a month ago and we are planning to send our thank you cards in the next few days.  In my opinion, thank you cards should go to people who attended our wedding (they all gave us a gift as well) and those who weren't able to attend but sent a gift.

    Do we have to send a thank you card to people who did not attend, but also did not send a gift?  If so, what would we say in the card?  I'm leaning towards not sending these people a thank you card.  Is it awkward to send a thank you card in this case?
    Stuck in a box



    You only need to send a thank you card to people who gave you a gift, whether they attended the wedding or not. You do not have to send a thank you card to those who attended but did not give a gift because the reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony. You do not have to send a thank you for people who neither attended nor sent a gift because, what would you be thanking them for?
    I am going to nit pick this just a bit.  I would write a TY note for guests that traveled to attend the wedding, and incurred costs to do so.  Their "gift" was their attendance in many cases. 

    There are often wedding party members who ask whether they need to give an actual physical gift or gift of cash when they have already spent major coin on pre-wedding events and the costs incurred to attend weddings.  We often tell those posters that the cost of hosting and attending the wedding can be considered the gift.

    Yes, the reception was a "thank you" for their attendance.  In this particular scenario, however, I would take the extra 10 minutes to acknowledge any guest that traveled to attend, even if no additional gift was given.
    I think it’s a weird passive aggressive dig. Sure, you don’t have to give a gift. No prob. Having not done so you don’t get a thank you. If you’re a wedding party member you or contributed in some way you get a thank you for that service, not because you showed up. It’s certainly, at a minimum, not required. 
    That's an interesting perspective.  I don't typically run on "defensive" mode, however. I also cannot or will not waste time reading "between lines" or with a "sensitive" eye.

    I have had several occasions where I have been genuinely appreciative of someone's attendance at an event.  I have written a note simply to express that appreciation.  I have received notes in kind.  I have yet to interpret it as anything other than an act of courtesy and kindness.

    OP can consider both perspectives and follow her gut.
    Report Reply
  • knottie7d6129cc92a62680knottie7d6129cc92a62680 member
    First Comment
    go with your guts! but for me personally, maybe i won't send them the thankyou card since it might lead to a situation like where the people who didn't come to your wedding or sent you gifts thinks that they were being inappropriate and ends up sending you their gifts right after, but you actually just want to thank them sincerely. it's like i'm afraid they think you are asking for something from them through the thank you card.
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