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Etiquette

Should I step down as a bridesmaid?

I’m currently debating whether if I should step down as a bridesmaid. I was asked to be her bridesmaid in Dec 2017. 4 bridesmaids and 1 MOH total. Her wedding isn’t until December 2019. We went bridesmaid shopping last weekend and the dress they picked out was $275 (including taxes) however me and one other girl needs to get it altered so it will be an additional $80. I’m super laid back and understand it is her day and she can pick out what she wants. Previously, I have told her my budget was $150. I have mentioned it again and it seems like she didn’t acknowledge my budget. Additionally, we all are responsible paying hair, makeup, (because we all have to get it done by this salon - their quote was $125 per girl), shoes, and accessories. A lot has been adding up. Thoughts? Should I continue to be her bridesmaid as I do love her as a friend just financially I’m not able to afford it? Will she be able to understand if I stepped down? I’m on the fence. 

My fiancè is also a groomsmen. Their tux rental was quoted $175. We cannot drop $800-1000 on their wedding when we are planning ours. He just proposed as we haven’t set a date.

Note: I have not paid my bridesmaid dress yet as the rest of the girls are waiting until I put the money down. 
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Re: Should I step down as a bridesmaid?

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Let me get this straight:

    -she's shopping for BM dresses more than a year before the wedding
    -the dress is $100+ over your budget
    -she expects you to pay for hair/makeup
    -she expects you to pay for shoes and accessories

    Yeah, run now. I know this is your friend, but this has bad news written all over it. If she's this demanding more than a year before the wedding, you can be sure her expectations for showers and bach parties and everything else are also going to be excessive. I would tell her that her expectations are unreasonable and outside of what you committed to, and that you'll gladly attend as a guest.


    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensshort+sassynightnerd
  • I assume she is a very good friend for you to be in her wedding. In that case I would try to make it work. I would say, "hey, the dress is out of my budget but I will make it work. I will be doing my own hair, makeup and shoes/accessories though."

    If she balks then she cares more about her wedding vision than you in that case and I would step down.
    charlotte989875
  • Thank you guys! I’ll be meeting with her in the coming week. Yes, I was a little surprised we are already BM shopping. Unfortantely, she wants us to have our hair and makeup at this salon because we need to have the same hair style.

    I understand my fiancè is a lot closer to the groom as they were college buddies. I didn’t start hanging out with them until after college. We just so happen to live in the same city so we do hangout with them twice a month or so.
  • From the sounds of it, I can imagine that you will also have "required" costs for bach parties and showers.  I would definitely cut and run at this point.
    ahoyweddingdowntondivaMairePoppyInLoveInQueens
  • banana468 said:
    I think you can handle this matter of factly:
    -"Oh I'm so sorry but as I said that's just beyond my budget.   Instead what I can do is get the dress and alterations as my gift to you and I'll do my hair, shoes and make up on my own.  I'm sure you understand"

    OR

    -"I'm so sorry but taking a look at finances I think it's best to step down now.   My FI is so excited to be a GM and I'm sure we'll have a great time talking about wedding planning together!" 

    None of this sounds like it will end well. 
    The bolded I think is your best bet. It's polite and accommodating, while at the same time, if she doesn't understand, it shows her true colors. 

    Sorry you're experiencing this! But you know what... I feel like this is One Small Step for Bridesmaids, One Big Leap for Womankind. Brides can't get away with this spending-others'-money bullshit. The more women stand up to brideszilla the better off we all are in the long run. 
    banana468 said:
    I think you can handle this matter of factly:
    -"Oh I'm so sorry but as I said that's just beyond my budget.   Instead what I can do is get the dress and alterations as my gift to you and I'll do my hair, shoes and make up on my own.  I'm sure you understand"

    OR

    -"I'm so sorry but taking a look at finances I think it's best to step down now.   My FI is so excited to be a GM and I'm sure we'll have a great time talking about wedding planning together!" 

    None of this sounds like it will end well. 
    The bolded I think is your best bet. It's polite and accommodating, while at the same time, if she doesn't understand, it shows her true colors. 

    Sorry you're experiencing this! But you know what... I feel like this is One Small Step for Bridesmaids, One Big Leap for Womankind. Brides can't get away with this spending-others'-money bullshit. The more women stand up to brideszilla the better off we all are in the long run. 
    That's why I think "I'm doing this as a gift" add the extra layer of "We both know that you're asking more of me than I told you I could do.   So now this is coming out of additional money I would have spent on YOU and not out of money that I planned to spend somewhere else."  

    Thus far the bride hasn't offered anything out of her pocket.  Also, I would anticipate that she doesn't understand that not everyone her age has the same financial means.   Truth is a bitch sometimes. 
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassyaisfora86
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2018
    So already the bride has gone over your budget on the dress AND you have to pay to get a hairdo you don't even get to choose? Wow. 

    I know it's a bummer, but I think it would be best for you to step down now before even more costs come up. Loving a friend doesn't mean you have to mess up your finances for their wedding. 




    image
    short+sassy
  • "Sorry Bride - it's you, not me!"...  Yea - You're over a year out, and this situation is only going to get worse.  You have to be firm that you cannot afford the BM dress and be SNS firm about it as well as get the others who it went over budget for to be on board.  Also about the hair appointment, as others have stated, if the bride is requiring it the bride pays for it above and beyond the BM dress..  Also I HATE-HATE-HATE the idea that you have to wear matching shoes as well - my feet already ache for you!  (I wear an 11WW, the idea of having to wear a pre-selected shoe that may or may not fit my foot - why do people do this to the ones who are suppose to be their nearest and dearest?!?!?!)...

    The bride is going to take it how she takes it.  Either she is going to agree to find an alternative dress that fits all of your budgets after alterations, let up on the matchy-matchy hair, makeup, and shoes to ease the costs... Or, you enjoy the wedding as a guest ("I unfortunately can't afford to be a Bridesmaid - is there any possibility of me being an usher instead???" LOL)..  

    But more than that, you have to make your decisions...  Please take these lessons into planning your own wedding.  Choose a color and length and let your BM choose their attire.  Don't require them to spend excessive amounts of money on details that truly don't matter (hair and makeup professionally done for example!).  You're still going to be just as married wearing a $300 Bridal Gown as you will be wearing a $3000 one.  Keep this all in perspective as the process moves along!
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    MairePoppyshort+sassythisismynickname2
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Tell her you need to step down because the dress, shoes, hair, makeup aren't in your budget and you will be happy to there as a guest. If she's a good friend, she'll lower her expectations. Be prepared that she might expect your fi to step down if she's one of those brides who think sides have to be even. 
                       
    STARMOON44MesmrEweei34
  • Update:
    Unfortantely I did step down as I didn’t know what costs involved. Thank you for all of the input. When I told her this, she was “alright” about it. I got the impression that they were more confused whether to drop a groomsmen or add a BM as the number were uneven. Just now received a text from my fiancé, and said they dropped one of their groomsmen to an usher. Luckily, it was not my fiancé but I do feel bad for the former groomsmen. Well, I am happy to enjoy their wedding as a guest as I can plan my own wedding.

    Again, thank you for the advice!

    More treating their "nearest and dearest" like props, smh.

    I'm glad to hear you dropped out.  It will be so much less stressful to be a guest.  Like other PPs mentioned, the "required costs" to be a BM wouldn't have stopped with just the dress and salon.  I agree you may have saved this friendship by dropping out. 

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    ShesSoColdei34ahoyweddingaisfora86
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Yeah, you were lucky. Unless you find out that you're uninvited or tiered or something.
  • Serious bullet dodged.   Now that your DH is still in it do you two care if they have a head table and you two aren't seated together for the reception?   My hunch is that they really like appearances and having their WP on display
    short+sassy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Serious bullet dodged.   Now that your DH is still in it do you two care if they have a head table and you two aren't seated together for the reception?   My hunch is that they really like appearances and having their WP on display
    Hopefully, OP knows the "dropped" groomsman and can sit with him. 

    I have never understood this groomsman/usher differentiation, and I know it has been discussed.  Nothing like making someone rent a tux but then be treated more like a guest.
    ILoveBeachMusicbanana468charlotte989875ei34
  • MobKaz said:
    banana468 said:
    Serious bullet dodged.   Now that your DH is still in it do you two care if they have a head table and you two aren't seated together for the reception?   My hunch is that they really like appearances and having their WP on display
    Hopefully, OP knows the "dropped" groomsman and can sit with him. 

    I have never understood this groomsman/usher differentiation, and I know it has been discussed.  Nothing like making someone rent a tux but then be treated more like a guest.
    Not all couples make ushers rent a tux, it's common here that they just wear a suit or shirt & tie depending on the venue.  We got our Ushers a nice shirt & tie (what they both wanted) ultimately as their gift, but it is what they wanted, so the "it's not a gift" but that's what they individually wanted, so...  
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    STARMOON44
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    banana468 said:
    Serious bullet dodged.   Now that your DH is still in it do you two care if they have a head table and you two aren't seated together for the reception?   My hunch is that they really like appearances and having their WP on display
    Hopefully, OP knows the "dropped" groomsman and can sit with him. 

    I have never understood this groomsman/usher differentiation, and I know it has been discussed.  Nothing like making someone rent a tux but then be treated more like a guest.
    I've never been to a wedding where there were groomsmen and ushers. The groomsmen seat the guests. Some people refer to them as ushers. They are part of the wedding party.

                       
    MobKaz
  • MobKaz said:
    banana468 said:
    Serious bullet dodged.   Now that your DH is still in it do you two care if they have a head table and you two aren't seated together for the reception?   My hunch is that they really like appearances and having their WP on display
    Hopefully, OP knows the "dropped" groomsman and can sit with him. 

    I have never understood this groomsman/usher differentiation, and I know it has been discussed.  Nothing like making someone rent a tux but then be treated more like a guest.
    I've never been to a wedding where there were groomsmen and ushers. The groomsmen seat the guests. Some people refer to them as ushers. They are part of the wedding party.

    I've seen it but it's when there's a huge WP. 
  • Most weddings I've been to have both.

    I always find the "and make them rent a tux" thing about anything to be a bit funny. I've never been to a wedding where anyone, not even the groom, wore a tux. My husband has been an usher, and he wore pants and shirt he already owned. I realize, of course, there are plenty of weddings where tuxes are purchased, but that's not always the case. I'd even go so far as to say I'd expect tux weddings to be in the minority, although that's mostly guessing on my part. 

    STARMOON44
  • Most weddings I've been to have both.

    I always find the "and make them rent a tux" thing about anything to be a bit funny. I've never been to a wedding where anyone, not even the groom, wore a tux. My husband has been an usher, and he wore pants and shirt he already owned. I realize, of course, there are plenty of weddings where tuxes are purchased, but that's not always the case. I'd even go so far as to say I'd expect tux weddings to be in the minority, although that's mostly guessing on my part. 
    Up until recently (the last couple of years), I had never been to a wedding where the groom, GMs, FOB and FOG didn't wear tuxes. I think things are becoming more casual or at least there is a larger range of what is considered acceptable now for weddings. I think that is a good thing because renting or purchasing tuxes is expensive!
    charlotte989875MobKaz
  • Most weddings I've been to have both.

    I always find the "and make them rent a tux" thing about anything to be a bit funny. I've never been to a wedding where anyone, not even the groom, wore a tux. My husband has been an usher, and he wore pants and shirt he already owned. I realize, of course, there are plenty of weddings where tuxes are purchased, but that's not always the case. I'd even go so far as to say I'd expect tux weddings to be in the minority, although that's mostly guessing on my part. 
    This may be a crowd thing.   Most weddings I've attended the groom and WP were in tuxes.
    charlotte989875ei34
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