Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
Should I step down as a bridesmaid?
I’m currently debating whether if I should step down as a bridesmaid. I was asked to be her bridesmaid in Dec 2017. 4 bridesmaids and 1 MOH total. Her wedding isn’t until December 2019. We went bridesmaid shopping last weekend and the dress they picked out was $275 (including taxes) however me and one other girl needs to get it altered so it will be an additional $80. I’m super laid back and understand it is her day and she can pick out what she wants. Previously, I have told her my budget was $150. I have mentioned it again and it seems like she didn’t acknowledge my budget. Additionally, we all are responsible paying hair, makeup, (because we all have to get it done by this salon - their quote was $125 per girl), shoes, and accessories. A lot has been adding up. Thoughts? Should I continue to be her bridesmaid as I do love her as a friend just financially I’m not able to afford it? Will she be able to understand if I stepped down? I’m on the fence.
My fiancè is also a groomsmen. Their tux rental was quoted $175. We cannot drop $800-1000 on their wedding when we are planning ours. He just proposed as we haven’t set a date.
Note: I have not paid my bridesmaid dress yet as the rest of the girls are waiting until I put the money down.
My fiancè is also a groomsmen. Their tux rental was quoted $175. We cannot drop $800-1000 on their wedding when we are planning ours. He just proposed as we haven’t set a date.
Note: I have not paid my bridesmaid dress yet as the rest of the girls are waiting until I put the money down.
Re: Should I step down as a bridesmaid?
She definitely needs to stick to the budget you gave her, and I think it's a pretty big red flag for future unrealistic expectations that she doesn't seem to care. The general rule for hair and makeup, too, is that it's optional or the bride needs to pay for it.
I would get out now. Just say (to her alone) that while you love the idea of being in the wedding, since all these things are more than the budget you'd previously communicated, you'll have to back out and look forward to celebrating her as a guest.
That's perfectly reasonable for you to do, but I can't speak to whether it'll affect your friendship. Some people get wedding blinders and forget to care about their friends.
Good luck. You may be dodging a bullet here!
And congrats on your engagement!
-she's shopping for BM dresses more than a year before the wedding
-the dress is $100+ over your budget
-she expects you to pay for hair/makeup
-she expects you to pay for shoes and accessories
Yeah, run now. I know this is your friend, but this has bad news written all over it. If she's this demanding more than a year before the wedding, you can be sure her expectations for showers and bach parties and everything else are also going to be excessive. I would tell her that her expectations are unreasonable and outside of what you committed to, and that you'll gladly attend as a guest.
If she balks then she cares more about her wedding vision than you in that case and I would step down.
I understand my fiancè is a lot closer to the groom as they were college buddies. I didn’t start hanging out with them until after college. We just so happen to live in the same city so we do hangout with them twice a month or so.
I wish I'd declined being a BM in my brother's wedding, especially after I told my SIL I couldn't afford the hair and got roped into it anyway, and she made me get my hair up because "she wanted to be the only one with her hair down".
I hope my bacne is visible in every. single. one. of her pictures. LOL
I see a slew of "must attend" showers and a bachelor party you can't afford in your future.
Ending your stint as a bridesmaid might actually save your friendship.
-"Oh I'm so sorry but as I said that's just beyond my budget. Instead what I can do is get the dress and alterations as my gift to you and I'll do my hair, shoes and make up on my own. I'm sure you understand"
OR
-"I'm so sorry but taking a look at finances I think it's best to step down now. My FI is so excited to be a GM and I'm sure we'll have a great time talking about wedding planning together!"
None of this sounds like it will end well.
Sorry you're experiencing this! But you know what... I feel like this is One Small Step for Bridesmaids, One Big Leap for Womankind. Brides can't get away with this spending-others'-money bullshit. The more women stand up to brideszilla the better off we all are in the long run.
Thus far the bride hasn't offered anything out of her pocket. Also, I would anticipate that she doesn't understand that not everyone her age has the same financial means. Truth is a bitch sometimes.
I know it's a bummer, but I think it would be best for you to step down now before even more costs come up. Loving a friend doesn't mean you have to mess up your finances for their wedding.
The bride is going to take it how she takes it. Either she is going to agree to find an alternative dress that fits all of your budgets after alterations, let up on the matchy-matchy hair, makeup, and shoes to ease the costs... Or, you enjoy the wedding as a guest ("I unfortunately can't afford to be a Bridesmaid - is there any possibility of me being an usher instead???" LOL)..
But more than that, you have to make your decisions... Please take these lessons into planning your own wedding. Choose a color and length and let your BM choose their attire. Don't require them to spend excessive amounts of money on details that truly don't matter (hair and makeup professionally done for example!). You're still going to be just as married wearing a $300 Bridal Gown as you will be wearing a $3000 one. Keep this all in perspective as the process moves along!
Unfortantely I did step down as I didn’t know what costs involved. Thank you for all of the input. When I told her this, she was “alright” about it. I got the impression that they were more confused whether to drop a groomsmen or add a BM as the number were uneven. Just now received a text from my fiancé, and said they dropped one of their groomsmen to an usher. Luckily, it was not my fiancé but I do feel bad for the former groomsmen. Well, I am happy to enjoy their wedding as a guest as I can plan my own wedding.
Again, thank you for the advice!
More treating their "nearest and dearest" like props, smh.
I'm glad to hear you dropped out. It will be so much less stressful to be a guest. Like other PPs mentioned, the "required costs" to be a BM wouldn't have stopped with just the dress and salon. I agree you may have saved this friendship by dropping out.
Actual footage of OP dodging the bullet of this wedding -
I always find the "and make them rent a tux" thing about anything to be a bit funny. I've never been to a wedding where anyone, not even the groom, wore a tux. My husband has been an usher, and he wore pants and shirt he already owned. I realize, of course, there are plenty of weddings where tuxes are purchased, but that's not always the case. I'd even go so far as to say I'd expect tux weddings to be in the minority, although that's mostly guessing on my part.