Moms and Maids

Maid of honor ? šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø

I am getting married 1/19/19. I asked my bridesmaids to get their dresses by October 1st. The message I sent was defiantly bridesilla-ish because a few of the bridesmaids originally said they were going to wait till January to get their dresses "off the rack". BUT The lead time at David's Bridal is crazy long. (Hindsight on David's now. Lol) I told them I thought it was unacceptable for them to wait for NO reason to buy their dress. If they had a reason then they should tell me. I offered to buy anyone's dress who doesn't have the money at the moment. I talked to theses girls weekly and I make a point to keep our friendships as normal as possible and not focused on only the wedding. So itā€™s not like they canā€™t talk to me.Ā 
Then came my MOH who is my sister. My sister and I don't really get along. She told me that I am disgusting by demanding all the bridesmaids dresses are the same. That I need to chill because this was my second marriage. She said she wouldn't be apart of my wedding party.Ā 
I am so hurt by her. I am requiring nothing else. The dresses just need to be the same shade and length. Not a set style. Whatever they want is fine with me....black shoes, hair, makeup, accessories etc.Ā 
I was married 10 years ago in a budget wedding. Under $9,000. My exhusband was abusive and we got divorced 8 years ago.Ā 
Not a single person other than her was in the first wedding.Ā 
I met my soulmate. Truly blessed everyday. I always say "I couldn't do life without you". So I feel justified celebrating it. My fiancĆ© and I are paying for everything.Ā 
So I guess my question is...Ā 
has anyone had any issues with bridesmaids leaving? Trying to get back in? How bad is the situation going to be the day of? Because as far as I am concerned, if she doesn't get her dress by October 1st she's out.Ā 
Ā«1

Re: Maid of honor ? šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø

  • IMHO I still think you are acting like a Bridezilla. You are within your right toĀ request a colour or even a dress, but you needed to ensure that you privately asked each person their budget before and stayed well under the lowest number. Do not kick anyone out of your wedding party and understand that if they don't show up in the agreed upon dress at your wedding that they will have removed themselves from the wedding. Apologize for being a Bridezilla and let them know that they can purchase their dress at any time that is convenient for them and what matters most is that they are standing up next to you. If you haven't taken into account their budget, apologize for that and pay for the dress.

    Have a cupcake and a large glass of wine. This is small potatoes.

  • I am getting married 1/19/19. I asked my bridesmaids to get their dresses by October 1st. The message I sent was defiantly bridesilla-ish because a few of the bridesmaids originally said they were going to wait till January to get their dresses "off the rack". BUT The lead time at David's Bridal is crazy long. (Hindsight on David's now. Lol) I told them I thought it was unacceptable for them to wait for NO reason to buy their dress. If they had a reason then they should tell me. I offered to buy anyone's dress who doesn't have the money at the moment. I talked to theses girls weekly and I make a point to keep our friendships as normal as possible and not focused on only the wedding. So itā€™s not like they canā€™t talk to me.Ā 
    Then came my MOH who is my sister. My sister and I don't really get along. She told me that I am disgusting by demanding all the bridesmaids dresses are the same. That I need to chill because this was my second marriage. She said she wouldn't be apart of my wedding party.Ā 
    I am so hurt by her. I am requiring nothing else. The dresses just need to be the same shade and length. Not a set style. Whatever they want is fine with me....black shoes, hair, makeup, accessories etc.Ā 
    I was married 10 years ago in a budget wedding. Under $9,000. My exhusband was abusive and we got divorced 8 years ago.Ā 
    Not a single person other than her was in the first wedding.Ā 
    I met my soulmate. Truly blessed everyday. I always say "I couldn't do life without you". So I feel justified celebrating it. My fiancĆ© and I are paying for everything.Ā 
    So I guess my question is...Ā 
    has anyone had any issues with bridesmaids leaving? Trying to get back in? How bad is the situation going to be the day of? Because as far as I am concerned, if she doesn't get her dress by October 1st she's out.Ā 
    Why did you ask for sister to be your MOH if you don't even like her and she flat out told you she wouldn't be in your wedding party?

    I crossed out all the irrelevant things. I'm happy that you got out of an abusive situation but that doesn't mean you get to shit on your friends and family.Ā 

    Does your sister want to "get back in"? On the day of, it shouldn't be weird. She's either got a dress and she's a MOH or she's wearing something else and is a guest. NBD.

    I'm also confused by your sister being upset about "bridesmaids dresses are the same" since you said you only want them to be the same color and length.Ā 

    If your bridesmaids want to wait, what's the harm in letting them? If they don't have a dress by 1/19/19, then they're out.Ā 

    Lastly, and I'm sorry; this might be rude, but the bolded made me so happy. I had a coworker years and years ago who would spell "definitely" as "defiantly" and we still use that. Love. it.Ā 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • #TeamSister

    You are being ridiculous. You don't sound like you really like your sister, I bet this came across in your interactions with her. And then you go send a really shirty email to your supposed friends.Ā 

    Your wedding isn't for over 3 months. If you aren't even requiring them to be the same, why does it matter if they are David's or off the rack? Also, no one OWES you any excuses or reasons to why they don't want to spend money.

    If it is SO important that dresses are purchased in October, do like we do in the UK, and you, the bride, buys the dresses for the Bridesmaids. No, not to be reimbursed, but as a gift.Ā 
  • I have on many occasions walked into David's Bridal on a Tuesday for an event on Thursday, paid the premium for last minute alterations, and happily walked out of there with a dress on Wednesday evening off the rack, and I'm a David's size 24, which isn't nearly as easy as someone of a smaller size.Ā  Not that shopping like that is ideal, but if they want to wait until it's closer (they could even order it drop-shipped from David's online!), that's fine too!

    Team "Y'all owe someone an apology!"Ā  Wedding stress - I get it, everyone gets sucked into the emotional sales technique "you/BM won't have ANY dress if you don't buy TODAY" (or any other wedding related item) and yes, this is a SALES TECHNIQUE because the wedding industry is notorious for being emotionally driven in making choices instead of rationally minded.Ā  Some salespeople are better at this than others but it's important to recognize it so that you don't fall for it again.Ā Ā 

    Take a deep breath - get a cupcake and adult beverage of choice (this can be a Mocktail as well!), and chill!Ā  Your wedding isn't until January and they know the parameters.Ā  And, please apologize to your nearest and dearest in your wedding, there are far bigger things worthy of your energy and attention than whether or not the BM have their dresses three months out!
  • You're the one who labeled yourself as a bridezilla, accurately. Your behavior and attitude certainly fall within that category.

    "Firing" unpaid bridesmaids for not getting a dress for a one-day occasion that is not going to ever be as important to anyone as it is to you and your FI, on your schedule, without regard for the fact that your wedding is not your coronation, what might be going on on their lives (than which your wedding is not more important), and that it doesn't take that long to get dresses at David's Bridal or anywhere else, will cost you their friendship.

  • You need to chill out. Apologize to your friends for acting like a jerk. They have time to get the dress and you donā€™t need to force them to do it by October 1st. Also, itā€™s still September.Ā 

    If you donā€™t get along with your sister, why did you ask her to be your MOH?Ā 
  • edited September 2018
    It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.
  • It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.

    LOL no.
    If you actually care, kicking someone out of your wedding party, especially for petty reasons, is a relationship ending move. You are honoring your bridal party by asking them to stand up with you, not the other way around. And the only requirement of being in a bridal party is showing up on time, relatively sober, in the outfit you agreed upon (in their budget). That's literally it. Anything else is voluntary (on their part, you can't volunteer them).

    But I'm sure you don't care because you obviously have never read a single thread on this forum, otherwise you wouldn't have made such a ridiculous post.
  • Maybe it's time to petition we eliminate the term "bridesmaids" and "maid of honor" from the dictionary as they given the mistaken impression that these people are there to serve the bride.Ā 
    Maid =/= servant.Ā 
    Maid =/= paid job.Ā 
    Maid =/= someone you can boss around and ultimately fire.Ā 


    ________________________________


  • It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.
    You've done all of this and you're not "officially engaged" yet?

    You're either engaged or you're marrying an ostrich.Ā 
  • It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.

    LOL no.

    This was about to be my response. Just this.Ā 
  • It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.
    To the bolded, really? Because that has not been my experience, and I've been a bridesmaid once and a maid of honor twice.

    I have yet to hear of a wedding where the bride said, "Would you be my bridesmaid? Before you say yes, I expect my bridal party to commit $50 to my bridal shower, $700 to my bachelorette party for travel costs and hotel and such, $100 for professional hair and makeup, $75 for new shoes, and $200 for a dress and alterations. I also expect my bridal party to commit to attending both my bridal showers, the bachelorette party weekend, the engagement party, various planning and diy weekends, the rehearsal dinner, and of course the wedding day. If you can't commit to that, say no now."

    That does not happen. So sure, although I think it's crappy, you can be annoyed if people know and agree to that commitment up front and don't follow through. But if you didn't spell out those exact requirements ahead of time, you can't be upset that people don't follow them.Ā 

    I've never had to spend more than $100 on any wedding I've been in, not including just the wedding travel costs, and it's sometimes been substantially less. And by less, I mean $0.Ā 
  • It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding party especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. People accept the "job" or "role' knowing that there will be time and money commitments. If they have no intentions of keeping those commitments then they shouldn't be in the wedding. End of story. I'm currently dealing with a similar thing with one of my bridesmaids who I've been friends with since high school. Also, why is your sister your MOH if you don't get along? That obviously isn't the place for her. My sister is my MOH because we're best friends and always have been. I hope that she isn't your MOH simply because she's family. I have another sister and two sister in laws who aren't in my wedding party. Put who you want in it, not who you think you have to. Also, I'd be ticked too if they haven't made an effort to buy the dresses especially when you offered to pay for them if need be.
    Dang.Ā  I was all set to read a juicy, satirical response, loaded with all the absurd and loaded trigger points.Ā  Sadly, I kept reading......and now I may require medical attention to get my eyes rolled back to the front of my face!
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
    Just a question on the logical next step: so let's say your childhood friend isn't living up to your expectations and you kick her out. Do you honestly still expect her to be your friend? Was it worth throwing away all of those years of friendship instead of managing your expectations for a party? Either matching dresses and bridal showers are more important to you than friendships or vice versa.Ā 

    Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship ending move. I have never, ever heard of it. And if I did, I would reevaluate my friendship with that person, even if I wasn't the aggrieved party. When someone throws a tantrum over their friends not spending enough time and money on YOUR party- that is not someone I want in my life.Ā 
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
    It is okay to "kick" someone out of your wedding partyĀ  end a friendship, especially if they aren't living up to your expectations of bridesmaids. as a bridezilla. Ā  People Friends accept the "job" or "role' honor knowing that there will be time and money commitments of time and the purchase of a dress, the budget for which was discussed together. Ā  If they haveĀ  the bride has no intentions of keeping those commitments prioritizing the friendship, then they she shouldn'tĀ  ask said friends to be in the wedding. End of story.


    Additionally, knottie#, the only financial expectation is the dress.Ā  You cannot and should not EXPECT/DEMAND that friends have hair and make up professionally done, particularly at their expense.Ā  If you want that, then pay for it.Ā  However, EVEN IF you incur that cost, it is beyond BS to clone your BM's and insist they all have their hair styled the same way.Ā  To EXPECT/DEMAND any pre-wedding parties is presumptuous and flat out tacky.

    It is not a "special set of rules".Ā  It is called decency and friendship.
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
    When you come out into a public forum and offer really bad advice, people are going to call you out on it. If all of this is true, your friends and siblings are truly awful people, and I hope you find some better people to spend your time with.Ā The solution is not to pay it forward and treat everyone else like shit just because someone was so horrible to you.Ā 

    This forum is to help people, not to convince them to treat their loved ones like dirt so that you can feel better about having been treated that way or choosing to treat your own friends that way.Ā 

    Asking someone to be in your wedding is an opportunity to honor your friendship. It is not supposed to be an opportunity to get off on making them put up with horrible treatment.Ā 
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
    And yet if the magical set of rules that the rest of us followed was followed by you then YOU wouldn't be in the pickle you highlighted above.Ā 
  • Despite the snark Iā€™m receiving for my post, I still stand by it. She asked for opinions and I gave her one. As someone who has in fact been a bridesmaid many times, my friends and siblings all have upfront given the bridal party money estimated for dresses, hair, etc up front before hand. I also know others who wish they wouldā€™ve asked someone to not be a bridesmaid after the fact and hated doing anything as a result with the bridal party. You guys can harp about me all you want and bash on my other posts but believe it or not, some people actually donā€™t follow this magic set of rules that apparently everyone knows about but my friends, family and I.Ā 
    I'd be surprised if you have any friends by the time your wedding has taken place. This is not the way you treat your friends.Ā 
  • @lovesclimbing re: telling bridesmaids about costs up front...

    That does happen. My coworker did it. I heard the letter was 3 pages long. She's kind of insane.Ā 
    ________________________________


  • I would like to address some issues.Ā 
    1. We had the bachelorette party a month ago. The girl planning it didnā€™t tell a single detail to anyone. People were calling me for answers because she wouldnā€™t respond to them. I tried to talk to her several times and offered to help ( so did several people) Alli wanted was peoples flights Info. Ā The airport was 1.5 hours from the lodge we were staying at. People were debating taking Uberā€™s to the airport. Which I thought was so silly. Over $150 for a ride. šŸ˜³ I drove people instead. It didnā€™t have to be like that. We also paid for all food at the lodge, the rental car and they didnā€™t have to pay to stay there. I try and make things easier.Ā 
    Yes I did pick my sister because she is my sister. Howeevr my sister has boarder line personality disorder. We havenā€™t had a fight in two years. She got off her medicine right before this happened. (Thatā€™s a whole other family story)Ā 
    When I said ā€œsame dressesā€, my sister didnā€™t understand why I even wanted the same color. I chose a length and color and thatā€™s what she thinks is wrong. Nothing else is required. Just a navy blue dress.Ā 
    I have been engaged over a year. I might need to update my profile šŸ¤·šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø
    One of my bridesmaids ordered 2 dresses from DB. The one she likes wouldnā€™t be ready till January 5th or something like that. She is worried she wonā€™t have it in time the way the sales lady told her. Sheā€™s usually buys two of everything when shopping online because sheā€™s tiny and needs everything altered so donā€™t worry, itā€™s nothing new.Ā 
    I would just like to say a bride is allowed one freak out. You all are making it seem like thatā€™s totally unheard of. Can anyone say it didnā€™t happen at all?Ā 
    I just moved across country from Texas to Chicago. Lived in a hotel for 34 days until last Wednesday. We walked into our apartment with a shelf being broken, the sink clogging and both the dishwasher and dryer being broken. Our stuff was delivered damaged. I am planning an out of state wedding with bridesmaids who live in 5 different states. I am fighting a legal battle with my dentist. I am also looking for a job. One freak out for all of that?Ā 
    I did apologize but I donā€™t know what else to do? Everyone has suggested saying sorry and I did. I wrote the post because I just needed to share. I needed it off my chest.Ā 
    My writing isnā€™t the best. I am a public speaker. I try and go back and edit so sometimes it doesnā€™t flow correctly.Ā 

  • I would like to address some issues.Ā 
    1. We had the bachelorette party a month ago. The girl planning it didnā€™t tell a single detail to anyone. People were calling me for answers because she wouldnā€™t respond to them. I tried to talk to her several times and offered to help ( so did several people) Alli wanted was peoples flights Info. Ā The airport was 1.5 hours from the lodge we were staying at. People were debating taking Uberā€™s to the airport. Which I thought was so silly. Over $150 for a ride. šŸ˜³ I drove people instead. It didnā€™t have to be like that. We also paid for all food at the lodge, the rental car and they didnā€™t have to pay to stay there. I try and make things easier.Ā 
    Yes I did pick my sister because she is my sister. Howeevr my sister has boarder line personality disorder. We havenā€™t had a fight in two years. She got off her medicine right before this happened. (Thatā€™s a whole other family story)Ā 
    When I said ā€œsame dressesā€, my sister didnā€™t understand why I even wanted the same color. I chose a length and color and thatā€™s what she thinks is wrong. Nothing else is required. Just a navy blue dress.Ā 
    I have been engaged over a year. I might need to update my profile šŸ¤·šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø
    One of my bridesmaids ordered 2 dresses from DB. The one she likes wouldnā€™t be ready till January 5th or something like that. She is worried she wonā€™t have it in time the way the sales lady told her. Sheā€™s usually buys two of everything when shopping online because sheā€™s tiny and needs everything altered so donā€™t worry, itā€™s nothing new.Ā 
    I would just like to say a bride is allowed one freak out. You all are making it seem like thatā€™s totally unheard of. Can anyone say it didnā€™t happen at all?Ā 
    I just moved across country from Texas to Chicago. Lived in a hotel for 34 days until last Wednesday. We walked into our apartment with a shelf being broken, the sink clogging and both the dishwasher and dryer being broken. Our stuff was delivered damaged. I am planning an out of state wedding with bridesmaids who live in 5 different states. I am fighting a legal battle with my dentist. I am also looking for a job. One freak out for all of that?Ā 
    I did apologize but I donā€™t know what else to do? Everyone has suggested saying sorry and I did. I wrote the post because I just needed to share. I needed it off my chest.Ā 
    My writing isnā€™t the best. I am a public speaker. I try and go back and edit so sometimes it doesnā€™t flow correctly.Ā 

    No, I can't say I got worked up over nonsense of this caliber, or if I did, I thought through it before I sent any bridezilla-ish messages to anyone.

    The important thing, though, is that you realize and apologize. Making excuses like "I'm allowed one freak out" takes away from it, so I wouldn't do that.

    It does sound like you are dealing with a lot - so just trying to put in perspective what doesn't matter, like these dresses. Then you'll have less to worry about.
  • edited September 2018
    I did not say ā€œIā€™m allowed one freak outā€ to anyone. I thought this was a safe place for brides. Ā As a result from these messages I just text all my girls asking about something specific about their lives. I want them to know I listen and itā€™s not all about me.Ā 
    But for this group only... when someone only want one thing I would never stress the bride out more than need be. I would check off the one thingĀ and move one.Ā 
  • I did not say ā€œIā€™m allowed one freak outā€ to anyone. I thought this was a safe place for brides. Ā As a result from these messages I just text all my girls asking about something specific about their lives. I want them to know I listen and itā€™s not all about me.Ā 
    But for this group only... when someone only want one thing I would never stress the bride out more than need be. I would check off the one thingĀ and move one.Ā 
    Keep in mind that some of the comments are also geared towards someone else but both of you are knottie followed by a lot of #s.Ā 
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