Wedding Woes

I want to live wild and free and my family is dragging me for it.

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Re: I want to live wild and free and my family is dragging me for it.

  • This is my H, too. The new house is in a village but we have 1.5 acres (a lot for the village!) and he still wishes we had more land I think. Even though we have a cabin in the middle of protected national forest 2 hours away. 

    After rereading I actually don’t see this as that big of a deal. I’ve lived in the mountains twice in my life (NH and then NC) granted I was an adult, but there were tons of people with kids. Some people lived way up in the hills. Sure it had its challenges but the kids were not being harmed and they had other adventures/opportunities many kids don’t have. I think just because someone’s version of happiness doesn’t match yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And again, if the kids are in school and they have access to friends/socializing/and family it’s not wrong. 


    I do think her family needs to mind their own business.  Unless maybe we're talking like something out of those Alaska homestead shows, lol, I don't think there is anything wrong or harmful for the kids with her plan.

    I just also don't think, for her own good, that she should make any major decisions right now.  Whatever they might be.  As in, rent, don't buy.  At least for now.

    But not to be too contentious, why? 

    She’s a grown woman man who just got out of what sounds like a terrible marriage. She has the money (presumably), she has a job, why shouldn’t she pursue living how and where she wants? Sounds like she hasn’t been able to do that for many years. 

    I think some of the comments she’s getting from the family (and maybe some here) sound like “oh you don’t know what you’re doing, we know better”. But if she’s not hurting her kids, she has the money to do it, why shouldn’t she? 

    ETA: Maybe this is too snarky, but I’m so tired of people telling women (directly or indirectly) that they don’t know what they’re doing or acting like they know better. It’s condescending. And I definitely don’t mean this toward you @short+sassy! I know you don’t think like that!

    In general, I just don't think it is a good idea for anyone to make major, fairly permanent decisions after a big upheaval in life.  Whether that is a divorce, a death in the family, or something else.  That is usually an emotionally fragile time for people...and I include men equally in that!...and they're more likely to have their thoughts and feelings going every which way.

    Also, when it comes to moving to a very different type of area or city, I always recommend people rent first if that is possible.  Maybe they find out they hate the new city/area and don't want to lay down permanent roots.  If nothing else, they'll get a vibe for different neighborhoods/convenience and can make better choices for themselves on where they want to buy. 

    FWIW, I definitely think she should pursue it!  If this is her dream, she should follow it and see if the reality matches the fantasy.  But just don't actually buy property, until she knows that for sure.

    -------------------

    This reminds me a little bit of my own fantasy of moving to Lake Tahoe when I retire.  I was already envisioning the kind of house I wanted.  And the surroundings.  I was checking out real estate prices to roughly plan for the future.  And then we went there on vacation again...

    While we were there, I envisioned the day to day, nitty gritty details of what it would be like to live there.  To a bit of sadness and disappointment, I realized I wouldn't like it at all.  For as world famous as it is, it's actually a small city/large town.  And there isn't much around it for 100s of miles.  I'd feel suffocated in the great outdoors.  Most of our restaurant meals were really overpriced and mediocre, at best.  That was the final nail in the coffin and I said good-bye to that dream, lol.  But, luckily, long before I would have foolishly sacrificed so much to buy a $700+K house!

    Edited to add:  But I do plan to visit Tahoe more often after I retire!  It's still one of my all-time favorite, most beautiful place I've ever been to.  I'll just live for 1-2 weeks at a time in someone else's AirBnB, lol.

    But this might not be the best in her situation. They're just now wrapping up the divorce. That means she's just now setting up her own home. Is it really best to wait a year and put the kids in a temporary place only to shake up their life again in 1-2 years to move out to camp singlemom? Maybe the best thing for the kids is to make all of these changes at once, and then let them adjust to a new stable normal. 

    Rental may be a good idea, or it may not. Renting a place in the middle of nowhere isn't always an option, or it might not be priced right. Or maybe buying means that if she decides not to stay, she has a vacation property/vacation rental. Maybe money isn't a concern for her. Plus, she says she's found the place, which suggests that she's at least sort of figured out the finances part. 

    I worked in divorce court for years, and can't count the number of newly single parents who were shaking up their lifestyle. This is certainly not the most extreme I've heard. (Surgeon who moved out west to live in a yurt and be a farm hand gets that award.) I can count on one hand the number of times the husband was getting cautioned by family not to make life decisions so quickly. It might not be intended, but this really does come with the unspoken sexism that women are too emotional to make decisions on their own. 
  • I also disagree with the “don’t do anything rash” advice that sometimes gets said.  LW may need a new home right now, not in a few months or a year or whenever...when the kids may have adjusted to their parents divorced and then suddenly “oh and now we’re moving”.  

    I also dont think 45 minutes is awfully far.  (Coming from someone who rarely has to drive more than 45 minutes for anything.)  Not to threadjack but has anyone read Educated by Tara Westover? Yikes.  Maybe LW’s family are thinking she’ll raise the kids as isolated survivalists?  
  • eileenrob said:
    I also disagree with the “don’t do anything rash” advice that sometimes gets said.  LW may need a new home right now, not in a few months or a year or whenever...when the kids may have adjusted to their parents divorced and then suddenly “oh and now we’re moving”.  

    I also dont think 45 minutes is awfully far.  (Coming from someone who rarely has to drive more than 45 minutes for anything.)  Not to threadjack but has anyone read Educated by Tara Westover? Yikes.  Maybe LW’s family are thinking she’ll raise the kids as isolated survivalists?  
    I'm on the waiting list for this at the library and can't wait to read it. Again, i'm super on-board with her choice. It sounds like it's well thought-out and she is well-equipped to handle it. I also agree that 45 minutes is not a lot (I'm assuming commute to work and school).
  • LW - Go buy the cabin on the back 40 and love life again!
  • eileenrob said:
    I also disagree with the “don’t do anything rash” advice that sometimes gets said.  LW may need a new home right now, not in a few months or a year or whenever...when the kids may have adjusted to their parents divorced and then suddenly “oh and now we’re moving”.  

    I also dont think 45 minutes is awfully far.  (Coming from someone who rarely has to drive more than 45 minutes for anything.)  Not to threadjack but has anyone read Educated by Tara Westover? Yikes.  Maybe LW’s family are thinking she’ll raise the kids as isolated survivalists?  
    My book club is slated to read that one this month, but I'm still on the waiting list at the library. I may have to just buy it at this point - it does look really good!

  • kerbohl said:
    eileenrob said:
    I also disagree with the “don’t do anything rash” advice that sometimes gets said.  LW may need a new home right now, not in a few months or a year or whenever...when the kids may have adjusted to their parents divorced and then suddenly “oh and now we’re moving”.  

    I also dont think 45 minutes is awfully far.  (Coming from someone who rarely has to drive more than 45 minutes for anything.)  Not to threadjack but has anyone read Educated by Tara Westover? Yikes.  Maybe LW’s family are thinking she’ll raise the kids as isolated survivalists?  
    My book club is slated to read that one this month, but I'm still on the waiting list at the library. I may have to just buy it at this point - it does look really good!
    It was good. Or interesting I guess.  Eye-opening although disturbing (which is fine, it’s a memoir).  I read most of President Obama’s recommendations but I did have to power through this one a bit.  It’s great for a book club though, being able to talk about it with others.
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