Pre-wedding Parties

Not changing my name and name change gifts

Hi everyone! So, as the title refers to, I'm not changing my last name when I get married. I have multiple degrees attached to my maiden name, including my Dr. title, and I just do not want to part with it. Anyways, so for all the bridal showers I've attended this far, I've seen personalized gifts given to the bride that say HisLastName family, Mr. And Mrs. HisLastName, etc. I'm not sure how to navigate this potential situation since we really won't be, for example, the Smith family, since I'm keeping my last name. And I would feel bad if our guests who gave us these gifts later find out and feel, I don't know, embarrassed? Don't get me wrong, I will appreciate any and all gifts given to us, but I don't know how to navigate an awkward and potentially embarrassing situation for both myself and the gift giver. I just want to be prepared if the situation arises! Thoughts?

Answers

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hi everyone! So, as the title refers to, I'm not changing my last name when I get married. I have multiple degrees attached to my maiden name, including my Dr. title, and I just do not want to part with it. Anyways, so for all the bridal showers I've attended this far, I've seen personalized gifts given to the bride that say HisLastName family, Mr. And Mrs. HisLastName, etc. I'm not sure how to navigate this potential situation since we really won't be, for example, the Smith family, since I'm keeping my last name. And I would feel bad if our guests who gave us these gifts later find out and feel, I don't know, embarrassed? Don't get me wrong, I will appreciate any and all gifts given to us, but I don't know how to navigate an awkward and potentially embarrassing situation for both myself and the gift giver. I just want to be prepared if the situation arises! Thoughts?
    FWIW, I didn't change my name, and I didn't receive any of these types of gifts. I did have a friend ask about what my new initials would be, and I responded that they would remain the same. She loves giving monogrammed gifts, so I suspect she was checking before she went to the trouble to have something made. I do think most people would try to check before doing something like this, but there are always people who just assume. 

    I don't think you really need to make a big announcement that you'll keep your name. You could try casually mentioning it in conversation just so its "known" before people start thinking about shower gifts. But, that also could invite a lot of unnecessary comments. It's your name and it's no one else's business why you decided to leave it as is. If you have concerns with these types, it might be better to just say thank you and donate. 
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'll assume from a hashtag - my FSIL and DH's cousin are both using hashtags (and in one case a website URL) that implies a new name, so I figure they are changing theirs. Otherwise, I would not assume a person is changing it, and I'm not a big monogram/personalized signage type of person anyway.

    I wouldn't feel bad about donating anything you might get. Sure, the giver might feel a little awkward if they found out, but it's really not that likely that they'll find out. And then if they do find out, the awkwardness is on them for not checking. I am okay with people who give bad gifts discovering that their gifts are bad, especially if they're going to be specifically asking what has been done with them. Maybe they will be more thoughtful next time.
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • Ditto PPs. Making a big "statement" kind of comes off like you're....expecting name-specific gifts, if that makes sense? Tell a gossipy friend or relative, and let the word spread. If someone asks you your plans, of course you can tell them. 

    FWIW, if I had a friend who was a doctor or had a bunch of professional "things" attached to her name, I'd definitely assume she WASN'T changing it and stay away from any personalized gifts, with the exception of maybe first names. We actually got things with just our first names, because I'm assuming my friends weren't sure what my plans were (TBH I wasn't sure either!). 
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • Just wanted to say I have a doctorate and published under my maiden name, and changing my name didn’t affect my title at all. I moved my maiden to my middle and go by Dr. MaidenName NewLastName and have had exactly zero issues. So if you (or anyone other ladies out there) wanted to change and felt like they couldn’t, there are options. I do hope we get to the point where assuming women change their names as a default isn’t the case, but alas here we are. 

    That said, if someone asks you can tell them, but you don’t really need to announce it. If you get a gift, be gracious and then decide if you want to keep it or donate. Like you would anything else you didn’t register for. 
    ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Have any invitations for showers gone out?

    My DS and DIL also have several professional designations.  Prior to showers, I asked (now) DIL if she planned on retaining her maiden name.  When we sent out invitations, we made it clear that the shower was to celebrate the marriage of D/Z, and made a point to use both last names.  Several guests then asked if that was in reference to her retaining her maiden name.  Is it possible you could suggest something like that when the time comes?

    DS and DIL also designated their registries in a way that made it a bit clearer as well.
  • I kept my name when I got married. I didn't make a big announcement about it beforehand but was definitely open about it in casual conversation - not so much to avoid monogrammed gifts, but just because I saw no reason not to mention it, and I didn't want to be getting called Mrs. DHLastName once I was married. I also didn't register for anything that could be monogrammed or personalized (wouldn't have anyway, I'm not big on that sort of thing), and pretty much everyone stuck to the registry. 

    I do remember mentioning to my mother that I didn't want anything monogrammed, but I don't really remember how or if that was handled. Either way, just be gracious about any gifts you receive and decide whether or not you want to keep them after.
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    MobKazahoywedding
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