Opinions and tough situations

Re: Opinions and tough situations

• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2018 edited October 2018

  Gifts for bridal party members need not be a "surprise," nor does everyone need to receive the same thing. I would shop for each one as though you were buying a Christmas or birthday present. The only thing they need to have in common is a roughly equivalent dollar value.
  
  For lurkers: When it comes to your stepdaughter, you could have told your FI that if he was so insistent on having someone who hates you in the wedding party, there need not be a wedding, and it was not up to him who stands on your side -- only his side. If he wanted his daughter to be in the wedding party so badly, then he could ask her to be a groomswoman. In your own case, OP, it's too late for that now because you already asked her to be in it. But you (generic) are never "required" to ask anyone to be in your wedding party, and including people out of a sense of "obligation" but no real desire to have them in your wedding party tends to rupture the peace, not to protect it. It's also considered advisable not to choose your wedding party sooner than six to eight months before the wedding, because changes happen in relationships and once you ask someone, they cannot be unasked without ending or seriously damaging the relationship.
  
  Now to answer the question you actually asked (sorry for the delay): yes, you're allowed to talk about all this with your MOH, who is presumably someone you are so close to that getting married without their being present is unthinkable. Also presumably, you talk freely about many other things as well -- including what's going on in her life (which your wedding doesn't trump, by the way).
  
  What you shouldn't talk about with your MOH is any expectations you have that she is supposed to "help" you with your wedding by throwing parties for you, going shopping or to fitting sessions with you, doing DIY projects, addressing invitations, or assisting with setup or cleanup work for the ceremony or reception on your wedding day. If she wants to do any of those things for you, then she has to be the one to suggest it.
  
  It's also not appropriate to tell your wedding party members to maintain a certain weight, not have visible marks, or require anything of a permanent nature regarding their appearance. And other than their outfits, if you want to have them wear or use specific jewelry or accessories or use specific hair stylists or makeup artists at your wedding, you need to pay for it, and not treat it as a "bridal party gift." Since that's something you're requiring of them, it's not a "gift" to them.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  October 2018

  karssen2019 said:

  Ok, so I am a second time bride. I want things to be totally different than the first time, partially because I let everyone else tell me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. That has nothing to do with my question though I guess. My MOH is AMAZING, I love her to death!! I have 3 bridesmaids (including my future step-daughter who will be almost 12 when we get married) and one 'groomslady' (future step-daughter who will be almost 18-she HATES me, is currently not speaking to us because we are engaged and she doesn't want us to get married but he is insistent that she be in the wedding... compromise I guess). My MOH is a dear dear friend, two of the girls are future step-daughters, and the last but not least BM is my GORGEOUS future sister in law. 
  So I guess my question really is, what can I talk to my MOH about without being a psycho bride? Can I talk to her about gifts for the bridal party? I don't want to take away from the 'surprise' of the gift, but I also need someone to give me their opinion and I always turn to her... I want all the girls to feel and be as included as possible, though I know with at least one I can only do so much. I want to be as laid back and calm as possible, and I just don't know what crosses the line when it comes to talking to my MOH.. 
  *On a side note this is the most stressful thing about our wedding for me so far... We had a venue, photographer, caterer, florist, officiant, my dress, colors, and bridal party picked out within a month of getting engaged and 11 months before the wedding.)

  It's fine to talk to your MOH about anything. Just be mindful that while your wedding is a huge deal in your life, other people will quickly get fatigued with excessive wedding talk. Pay attention to how she is responding and don't let the wedding dominate your conversations.
  
  I would probably ask her opinion on gifts for the other WP members that she knows well. For those that she's not super close with, she probably doesn't have much of an opinion on what is appropriate for them. Your FI would probably be the better person to discuss the gifts for his family members.
  
  I personally wouldn't talk to MOH about her own gift. I would want to show that I'd put in the time and effort to get a great gift without her telling me what to get, but that's a matter of preference. Would you talk to her about her b-day gift before giving it to her? 

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• banana468 member

  

  October 2018

  Jen4948 said:

  
  
  What you shouldn't talk about with your MOH is any expectations you have that she is supposed to "help" you with your wedding by throwing parties for you, going shopping or to fitting sessions with you, doing DIY projects, addressing invitations, or assisting with setup or cleanup work for the ceremony or reception on your wedding day. If she wants to do any of those things for you, then she has to be the one to suggest it.
  
  
  

  I think in the above it walks a fine line.   Absolutely never ever make it an expectation or even request parties to be thrown in your honor.   However asking if a MOH is interested in shopping or going to a fitting or in any wedding related activity can be brought up in a noncommittal way.   
  
  "Hey are you interested in going to a fitting with me?" is OK to ask IMO.   
  
  You're allowed to ask people but you're not allowed to do it in a way that insinuates any obligation on their part.  

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• LD1970 member

  

  October 2018

  Jen4948 said:

  
  For lurkers: When it comes to your stepdaughter, you could have told your FI that if he was so insistent on having someone who hates you in the wedding party, there need not be a wedding, and it was not up to him who stands on your side -- only his side. If he wanted his daughter to be in the wedding party so badly, then he could ask her to be a groomswoman. In your own case, OP, it's too late for that now because you already asked her to be in it. But you (generic) are never "required" to ask anyone to be in your wedding party, and including people out of a sense of "obligation" but no real desire to have them in your wedding party tends to rupture the peace, not to protect it. It's also considered advisable not to choose your wedding party sooner than six to eight months before the wedding, because changes happen in relationships and once you ask someone, they cannot be unasked without ending or seriously damaging the relationship.
  
  
  

  She already said in the OP that the step-daughter who hates her is a "groomslady."
  
  OP, since that particular step-daughter is a groomswoman, you don't need to buy the gift for her, your FI does.  One less thing for you!

  You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  

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