Tuesday!!

short+sassy · October 2018

@sparklepants41, oh wow! Your poor dad! I hope his recovery goes as well and as quickly as possible.

@charlotte989875, I know it doesn't make how she talked to you okay (or flaking over the weekend), but at least there is some context now. Hopefully, your niece will start making some great strides with more specialized help.

I know this is a different situation from your niece. But my nephew (he's an adult now) still wasn't saying much when he was 2. He is the youngest of 4 children. My aunt was really concerned and took him to the doctor. Who basically told her, "His hearing is fine. I think he's not talking because he doesn't have to. He points at something and there are 5 people jumping to get it for him. Stop doing that. Make him use his words. And if he still hasn't improved after a few weeks, call me back and we'll do further testing." Fortunately, the strategy suggested worked like a charm.

charlotte989875 · October 2018

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone! It sucks.

To answer a few questions: I think last night she was worked up and was taking out her frustrations on me. I’m sure she’s scared and overwhelmed. Definitely doesn’t excuse it and I’m still hurt by how she talked to me. But I don’t feel like she was trying to be manipulative (well I think she was trying to be a little manipulative), I think she is just overwhelmed. From what her H said my niece is having delayed speech (she’s 19 months and doesn’t really say wonders), is having trouble communicating, and not meeting some other milestones she should have at this point. To the point where the doctors recommended having a worker from the county come out and work with her. I think what makes it harder for my sister is that she’s a neuroscientist, and has tried hard to work with her.

But yeah it doesn’t excuse how she acted but I think she just flew off the handle at me last night. And I did tell her that we can’t know things are going on, and be more sensitive or let things go, if you don’t actually tell us what is going on. And not when you’re yelling at me. So we’ll see.

And @eileenrob, thats exactly how my H (and I’m pretty sure my mom) feels. Like it doesn’t need to be a big party and that he’s not interested in having a holiday with her in-laws. I’m not going to tell her that now, but yeah, she was envisioning this big party and I just don’t think it will go over well.

That's really rough but sometimes things have to change somewhat.

My parents are getting older and live an hour away. We started to do Christmas at our house last year. It just made sense. Luckily everyone gets along so we have my parents and brother plus his BF and MIL and FIL come plus some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. It works well and now we don't have to tell the kids, "Pick a toy from Santa and get in the car. We need to make good time."

So to some degree I'm also sympathetic with your sister if her take is to host so they're not going all over the place.

I don’t disagree that things have to change; and we live about 35 minutes from my sister and an 45-60 minutes from my parents, so it doesn’t matter to us where things are because we’re driving no matter what. But I think the issue with my H and with my Mom is the combining of the families. I’m sure it can work for some families but it’s just not something I see happening with ours, at least not with everyone being happy about it.

I’m curious though how your (or your H’s family) felt about it. Do they all get along well?

I’m not against changing the holidays but (and maybe I’m a little snarky here because of how this has all gone down) but we’ve changed things for last years holidays because they wanted to, now we’re changing again because they want something different. I feel bad for my mom who has had a really, really tough year with my Dad being so sick and it feels like they’re not interested in asking how she feels about this. I know my they’re not really interested in how my H and I feel, (and I’m a little salty about that) but I’m really more annoyed it feels like they’re telling my Mom what they’re going to do and she’s just going to have to deal.

I’m really not trying to be insensitive to my sister, or people who have kids, and I get it’s so much easier for them to decide what works best for them and then tell us all, but it doesn’t exactly give off the feeling that they care whether or not it works for anyone else.

ei34 · October 2018

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone! It sucks.

To answer a few questions: I think last night she was worked up and was taking out her frustrations on me. I’m sure she’s scared and overwhelmed. Definitely doesn’t excuse it and I’m still hurt by how she talked to me. But I don’t feel like she was trying to be manipulative (well I think she was trying to be a little manipulative), I think she is just overwhelmed. From what her H said my niece is having delayed speech (she’s 19 months and doesn’t really say wonders), is having trouble communicating, and not meeting some other milestones she should have at this point. To the point where the doctors recommended having a worker from the county come out and work with her. I think what makes it harder for my sister is that she’s a neuroscientist, and has tried hard to work with her.

But yeah it doesn’t excuse how she acted but I think she just flew off the handle at me last night. And I did tell her that we can’t know things are going on, and be more sensitive or let things go, if you don’t actually tell us what is going on. And not when you’re yelling at me. So we’ll see.

And @eileenrob, thats exactly how my H (and I’m pretty sure my mom) feels. Like it doesn’t need to be a big party and that he’s not interested in having a holiday with her in-laws. I’m not going to tell her that now, but yeah, she was envisioning this big party and I just don’t think it will go over well.

That's really rough but sometimes things have to change somewhat.

My parents are getting older and live an hour away. We started to do Christmas at our house last year. It just made sense. Luckily everyone gets along so we have my parents and brother plus his BF and MIL and FIL come plus some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. It works well and now we don't have to tell the kids, "Pick a toy from Santa and get in the car. We need to make good time."

So to some degree I'm also sympathetic with your sister if her take is to host so they're not going all over the place.

I don’t disagree that things have to change; and we live about 35 minutes from my sister and an 45-60 minutes from my parents, so it doesn’t matter to us where things are because we’re driving no matter what. But I think the issue with my H and with my Mom is the combining of the families. I’m sure it can work for some families but it’s just not something I see happening with ours, at least not with everyone being happy about it.

I’m curious though how your (or your H’s family) felt about it. Do they all get along well?

I’m not against changing the holidays but (and maybe I’m a little snarky here because of how this has all gone down) but we’ve changed things for last years holidays because they wanted to, now we’re changing again because they want something different. I feel bad for my mom who has had a really, really tough year with my Dad being so sick and it feels like they’re not interested in asking how she feels about this. I know my they’re not really interested in how my H and I feel, (and I’m a little salty about that) but I’m really more annoyed it feels like they’re telling my Mom what they’re going to do and she’s just going to have to deal.

I’m really not trying to be insensitive to my sister, or people who have kids, and I get it’s so much easier for them to decide what works best for them and then tell us all, but it doesn’t exactly give off the feeling that they care whether or not it works for anyone else.

The problem is what about when everyone has kids? Or What if the family has four or five kids who are now adults with spouses- does everyone bring their in-laws? Where does the line get drawn? My sister’s ILs are pleasant but I’m good seeing them at my niece’s birthday parties each year...I’ll pass on holidays. She feels the same way about mine.

Of course its different for each family- I could see mixing “the next generation’s” in-laws if a family is small. Like if H is an only child and W has one sibling. I guess coming from such a big family it’s too much to try to include everyone’s ILs.

ei34 · October 2018

Oh and @charlotte989875 my son received speech-related services from Early Intervention from 2 months old until he aged out at age 3. (Now he’s part of CPSE.). It’s stressful but they’re smart to have your niece evaluated and get services going if needed- good luck to them.

banana468 · October 2018

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone! It sucks.

To answer a few questions: I think last night she was worked up and was taking out her frustrations on me. I’m sure she’s scared and overwhelmed. Definitely doesn’t excuse it and I’m still hurt by how she talked to me. But I don’t feel like she was trying to be manipulative (well I think she was trying to be a little manipulative), I think she is just overwhelmed. From what her H said my niece is having delayed speech (she’s 19 months and doesn’t really say wonders), is having trouble communicating, and not meeting some other milestones she should have at this point. To the point where the doctors recommended having a worker from the county come out and work with her. I think what makes it harder for my sister is that she’s a neuroscientist, and has tried hard to work with her.

But yeah it doesn’t excuse how she acted but I think she just flew off the handle at me last night. And I did tell her that we can’t know things are going on, and be more sensitive or let things go, if you don’t actually tell us what is going on. And not when you’re yelling at me. So we’ll see.

And @eileenrob, thats exactly how my H (and I’m pretty sure my mom) feels. Like it doesn’t need to be a big party and that he’s not interested in having a holiday with her in-laws. I’m not going to tell her that now, but yeah, she was envisioning this big party and I just don’t think it will go over well.

That's really rough but sometimes things have to change somewhat.

My parents are getting older and live an hour away. We started to do Christmas at our house last year. It just made sense. Luckily everyone gets along so we have my parents and brother plus his BF and MIL and FIL come plus some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. It works well and now we don't have to tell the kids, "Pick a toy from Santa and get in the car. We need to make good time."

So to some degree I'm also sympathetic with your sister if her take is to host so they're not going all over the place.

I don’t disagree that things have to change; and we live about 35 minutes from my sister and an 45-60 minutes from my parents, so it doesn’t matter to us where things are because we’re driving no matter what. But I think the issue with my H and with my Mom is the combining of the families. I’m sure it can work for some families but it’s just not something I see happening with ours, at least not with everyone being happy about it.

I’m curious though how your (or your H’s family) felt about it. Do they all get along well?

I’m not against changing the holidays but (and maybe I’m a little snarky here because of how this has all gone down) but we’ve changed things for last years holidays because they wanted to, now we’re changing again because they want something different. I feel bad for my mom who has had a really, really tough year with my Dad being so sick and it feels like they’re not interested in asking how she feels about this. I know my they’re not really interested in how my H and I feel, (and I’m a little salty about that) but I’m really more annoyed it feels like they’re telling my Mom what they’re going to do and she’s just going to have to deal.

I’m really not trying to be insensitive to my sister, or people who have kids, and I get it’s so much easier for them to decide what works best for them and then tell us all, but it doesn’t exactly give off the feeling that they care whether or not it works for anyone else.

We are lucky that the parents get along. They've done things together even without DH and me because they are fairly socially compatible.

Previous years my parents have hosted DH's parents at their home and my aunt and uncle host my ILs when they have T-giving.

I'm sympathetic to both sides here. It sounds like your sister is dealing with a lot of things in her nuclear household and isn't paying attention to how your parents may feel about her plans or how that's logistically going to work for your dad. That may need to be a battle your mom picks. But she's now growing her own family and she's turning into her own woman of the house.

It's hard when you have your own growing family and it sounds like the meshing of two families may not work well which is a bummer. From your sister's side she may be stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Is she close to your parents so she could be a closer ride? 15 minutes is NOTHING IMO.

FWIW on my dad's side we get together in January with his brother and my cousin and her kids and my deceased cousin's son. We just acknowledge that we love each other and our sanity on Christmas.

STARMOON44 · October 2018

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone! It sucks.

To answer a few questions: I think last night she was worked up and was taking out her frustrations on me. I’m sure she’s scared and overwhelmed. Definitely doesn’t excuse it and I’m still hurt by how she talked to me. But I don’t feel like she was trying to be manipulative (well I think she was trying to be a little manipulative), I think she is just overwhelmed. From what her H said my niece is having delayed speech (she’s 19 months and doesn’t really say wonders), is having trouble communicating, and not meeting some other milestones she should have at this point. To the point where the doctors recommended having a worker from the county come out and work with her. I think what makes it harder for my sister is that she’s a neuroscientist, and has tried hard to work with her.

But yeah it doesn’t excuse how she acted but I think she just flew off the handle at me last night. And I did tell her that we can’t know things are going on, and be more sensitive or let things go, if you don’t actually tell us what is going on. And not when you’re yelling at me. So we’ll see.

And @eileenrob, thats exactly how my H (and I’m pretty sure my mom) feels. Like it doesn’t need to be a big party and that he’s not interested in having a holiday with her in-laws. I’m not going to tell her that now, but yeah, she was envisioning this big party and I just don’t think it will go over well.

That's really rough but sometimes things have to change somewhat.

My parents are getting older and live an hour away. We started to do Christmas at our house last year. It just made sense. Luckily everyone gets along so we have my parents and brother plus his BF and MIL and FIL come plus some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. It works well and now we don't have to tell the kids, "Pick a toy from Santa and get in the car. We need to make good time."

So to some degree I'm also sympathetic with your sister if her take is to host so they're not going all over the place.

I don’t disagree that things have to change; and we live about 35 minutes from my sister and an 45-60 minutes from my parents, so it doesn’t matter to us where things are because we’re driving no matter what. But I think the issue with my H and with my Mom is the combining of the families. I’m sure it can work for some families but it’s just not something I see happening with ours, at least not with everyone being happy about it.

I’m curious though how your (or your H’s family) felt about it. Do they all get along well?

I’m not against changing the holidays but (and maybe I’m a little snarky here because of how this has all gone down) but we’ve changed things for last years holidays because they wanted to, now we’re changing again because they want something different. I feel bad for my mom who has had a really, really tough year with my Dad being so sick and it feels like they’re not interested in asking how she feels about this. I know my they’re not really interested in how my H and I feel, (and I’m a little salty about that) but I’m really more annoyed it feels like they’re telling my Mom what they’re going to do and she’s just going to have to deal.

I’m really not trying to be insensitive to my sister, or people who have kids, and I get it’s so much easier for them to decide what works best for them and then tell us all, but it doesn’t exactly give off the feeling that they care whether or not it works for anyone else.

Yes I so agree with this. I’m sure my sister would love to host all the holidays with my family and her husband’s family because that’s most convenient for her, but the rest of us also have feelings and preferences and she doesn’t get to dictate the holidays for everyone else.

banana468 · October 2018

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone! It sucks.

To answer a few questions: I think last night she was worked up and was taking out her frustrations on me. I’m sure she’s scared and overwhelmed. Definitely doesn’t excuse it and I’m still hurt by how she talked to me. But I don’t feel like she was trying to be manipulative (well I think she was trying to be a little manipulative), I think she is just overwhelmed. From what her H said my niece is having delayed speech (she’s 19 months and doesn’t really say wonders), is having trouble communicating, and not meeting some other milestones she should have at this point. To the point where the doctors recommended having a worker from the county come out and work with her. I think what makes it harder for my sister is that she’s a neuroscientist, and has tried hard to work with her.

But yeah it doesn’t excuse how she acted but I think she just flew off the handle at me last night. And I did tell her that we can’t know things are going on, and be more sensitive or let things go, if you don’t actually tell us what is going on. And not when you’re yelling at me. So we’ll see.

And @eileenrob, thats exactly how my H (and I’m pretty sure my mom) feels. Like it doesn’t need to be a big party and that he’s not interested in having a holiday with her in-laws. I’m not going to tell her that now, but yeah, she was envisioning this big party and I just don’t think it will go over well.

That's really rough but sometimes things have to change somewhat.

My parents are getting older and live an hour away. We started to do Christmas at our house last year. It just made sense. Luckily everyone gets along so we have my parents and brother plus his BF and MIL and FIL come plus some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. It works well and now we don't have to tell the kids, "Pick a toy from Santa and get in the car. We need to make good time."

So to some degree I'm also sympathetic with your sister if her take is to host so they're not going all over the place.

I don’t disagree that things have to change; and we live about 35 minutes from my sister and an 45-60 minutes from my parents, so it doesn’t matter to us where things are because we’re driving no matter what. But I think the issue with my H and with my Mom is the combining of the families. I’m sure it can work for some families but it’s just not something I see happening with ours, at least not with everyone being happy about it.

I’m curious though how your (or your H’s family) felt about it. Do they all get along well?

I’m not against changing the holidays but (and maybe I’m a little snarky here because of how this has all gone down) but we’ve changed things for last years holidays because they wanted to, now we’re changing again because they want something different. I feel bad for my mom who has had a really, really tough year with my Dad being so sick and it feels like they’re not interested in asking how she feels about this. I know my they’re not really interested in how my H and I feel, (and I’m a little salty about that) but I’m really more annoyed it feels like they’re telling my Mom what they’re going to do and she’s just going to have to deal.

I’m really not trying to be insensitive to my sister, or people who have kids, and I get it’s so much easier for them to decide what works best for them and then tell us all, but it doesn’t exactly give off the feeling that they care whether or not it works for anyone else.

We are lucky that the parents get along. They've done things together even without DH and me because they are fairly socially compatible.

Previous years my parents have hosted DH's parents at their home and my aunt and uncle host my ILs when they have T-giving.

I'm sympathetic to both sides here. It sounds like your sister is dealing with a lot of things in her nuclear household and isn't paying attention to how your parents may feel about her plans or how that's logistically going to work for your dad. That may need to be a battle your mom picks. But she's now growing her own family and she's turning into her own woman of the house.

It's hard when you have your own growing family and it sounds like the meshing of two families may not work well which is a bummer. From your sister's side she may be stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Is she close to your parents so she could be a closer ride? 15 minutes is NOTHING IMO.

FWIW on my dad's side we get together in January with his brother and my cousin and her kids and my deceased cousin's son. We just acknowledge that we love each other and our sanity on Christmas.

I should have added that when DH and I started to host Christmas last year the only thing that changed was the location. It wasn't an adjustment to the guest list.

Balancing the holidays is a delicate situation. Because we only host one we then pick what we're doing for others. Christmas Eve we spend w/ my ILs. Christmas Day we ask my parents to come early so the kids get some one on one time with my parents and a more intimate gift opening with them. Easter we just go w/ DH's side and Thanksgiving is my side.

We're also lucky that we're all the same faith and relatively similar background. Politically we're not all aligned but there are enough similarities that we can also mesh pretty well together.

If past experience is showing that putting both sides in a room only makes for an uncomfortable event then sis needs to understand that her plans may go over like a lead balloon.

mrsconn23 · October 2018

@charlotte989875, I so feel you on holiday 'fuckery' and people just 'deciding' things without taking anyone else into account.

BIL/SIL/nephews are going to SIL/BIL/nieces for Thanksgiving. Which is fine, but it sounds like this has been in the works for a minute...and we found out this weekend. FIL doesn't know yet, from what I gather. I'm sure it's going to go over like a lead balloon, since FIL passively-aggressively punished us all by being very rude when we did Thanksgiving the Saturday after last year, because he chose to stay home and do nothing on the day. I have tried to get DH to plant the seeds of FIL going to his family in IL, but it could very well end up being DH, me, DefConn, and maybe the kiddo. We can't travel because the kiddo will have to work and we're not leaving him home alone on a holiday weekend, or else I'd suggest we all go to IL. FIL is also weird about just coming to my family's dinner (which I've tried to understand, but it comes down to the fact that FIL's got some hang-ups he'll never get over).

Secondly, DH told me that BIL said that they don't plan to be in town on Christmas day. They insist on doing Christmas morning at home with their kids.

I'm pretty sure they plan to come in on the 23rd and then leave after dinner on the 24th. The rub is that again, we spent all of the 23rd and 24th with FIL last year, but we all went home to do Christmas morning and then we went to my family on Christmas day. FIL, again, was extremely upset with all of us that he was alone on Christmas day...even though he was invited several places to be with loved ones Christmas day. And we were at his house all day on the 23rd and 24th. We even invited him to come to our house to stay the night OR show up Christmas morning and do breakfast with us. And of course, he was invited to my family's Christmas dinner.

So DH has been insistent that we will be with FIL on Christmas day, but with BIL/SIL's plans...either we don't see them and our nephews OR we aren't with FIL on Christmas day again? Because ditching my family isn't an option. I have a solution to all of this...we do everything at our house and FIL stays with us Christmas eve, does Christmas morning/brunch with us, and then we go on to my family. But it's something where I have to play my cards at the right time and it still may not work.

BUT my issue with BIL/SIL's lack of flexibility is that puts us in a position where we're either missing them (and my nephew's first Christmas and my other nephew, who is getting to the fun age with regard to opening presents) or dealing with FIL's butthurtedness in person...because he is just as inflexible as they are being.

I'd LOVE for my kids to have woken up in their own beds every single Christmas morning of their lives, but sometimes it hasn't happened. Also, I get really annoyed with DH's siblings opt to use avoidance when it comes to FIL when they don't want to deal with him (and since they live OOT, they can just choose not to pick up the phone or respond to a text)...and it annoys DH as well, but he hasn't fully called them out on it (yes, I encourage him to do so).

And after the year I've had, all of the above is bullshit IMO and is making me even hate the idea of the holidays. I had pretty strong words for DH about it all Sunday and pointed out to DH that we (I) should get some sway in being 'selfish' since it's a) maybe the last holiday season where we'll have the kiddo home for while since his plan is to enter the military after HS and b) my mom had two major surgeries and cancer this year. Plusalso, my family, especially my mom, has been extremely understanding about how hard holidays are for DH's side since MIL's death.

You can find me making all the drinks to get through it all.

6fsn · October 2018

I feel like our holidays have finally settled. Thanksgiving my family goes to the woods from Wednesday to Friday. We always go wed-Thursday and alternate years staying til
friday. Years we don’t stay we go to the ils and hot both sets.

Christmas with my family is some weekend in December. Fil we find a day that works. I gave up caring about mil when she chose a pedicure over a day all of her kids and grandkids could get together. Christmas Day we spend eating apps, watching movies, playing games. Anyone can come, but generally it’s just my folks that swing by.

short+sassy · October 2018

mrsconn23 said:

@charlotte989875, I so feel you on holiday 'fuckery' and people just 'deciding' things without taking anyone else into account.

BIL/SIL/nephews are going to SIL/BIL/nieces for Thanksgiving. Which is fine, but it sounds like this has been in the works for a minute...and we found out this weekend. FIL doesn't know yet, from what I gather. I'm sure it's going to go over like a lead balloon, since FIL passively-aggressively punished us all by being very rude when we did Thanksgiving the Saturday after last year, because he chose to stay home and do nothing on the day. I have tried to get DH to plant the seeds of FIL going to his family in IL, but it could very well end up being DH, me, DefConn, and maybe the kiddo. We can't travel because the kiddo will have to work and we're not leaving him home alone on a holiday weekend, or else I'd suggest we all go to IL. FIL is also weird about just coming to my family's dinner (which I've tried to understand, but it comes down to the fact that FIL's got some hang-ups he'll never get over).

Secondly, DH told me that BIL said that they don't plan to be in town on Christmas day. They insist on doing Christmas morning at home with their kids.

I'm pretty sure they plan to come in on the 23rd and then leave after dinner on the 24th. The rub is that again, we spent all of the 23rd and 24th with FIL last year, but we all went home to do Christmas morning and then we went to my family on Christmas day. FIL, again, was extremely upset with all of us that he was alone on Christmas day...even though he was invited several places to be with loved ones Christmas day. And we were at his house all day on the 23rd and 24th. We even invited him to come to our house to stay the night OR show up Christmas morning and do breakfast with us. And of course, he was invited to my family's Christmas dinner.

So DH has been insistent that we will be with FIL on Christmas day, but with BIL/SIL's plans...either we don't see them and our nephews OR we aren't with FIL on Christmas day again? Because ditching my family isn't an option. I have a solution to all of this...we do everything at our house and FIL stays with us Christmas eve, does Christmas morning/brunch with us, and then we go on to my family. But it's something where I have to play my cards at the right time and it still may not work.

BUT my issue with BIL/SIL's lack of flexibility is that puts us in a position where we're either missing them (and my nephew's first Christmas and my other nephew, who is getting to the fun age with regard to opening presents) or dealing with FIL's butthurtedness in person...because he is just as inflexible as they are being.

I'd LOVE for my kids to have woken up in their own beds every single Christmas morning of their lives, but sometimes it hasn't happened. Also, I get really annoyed with DH's siblings opt to use avoidance when it comes to FIL when they don't want to deal with him (and since they live OOT, they can just choose not to pick up the phone or respond to a text)...and it annoys DH as well, but he hasn't fully called them out on it (yes, I encourage him to do so).

And after the year I've had, all of the above is bullshit IMO and is making me even hate the idea of the holidays. I had pretty strong words for DH about it all Sunday and pointed out to DH that we (I) should get some sway in being 'selfish' since it's a) maybe the last holiday season where we'll have the kiddo home for while since his plan is to enter the military after HS and b) my mom had two major surgeries and cancer this year. Plusalso, my family, especially my mom, has been extremely understanding about how hard holidays are for DH's side since MIL's death.

You can find me making all the drinks to get through it all.

It's much easier for me to say, I know, I know. But I'd be sorely tempted to take the stance of "f**k all, y'all!" (aimed primarily at the ILs). This is my oldest son's last Xmas at home and we are spending Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning in our own home. And then the rest of Christmas with my mom and family because, well gosh, it's been really tough f**king year for her. You all are welcome to join in on any or all parts of that. So do not make even one complaint about it to me, if you choose not to come.

I see from my post that I'm angry for you, lol!

banana468 · October 2018

@mrsconn23 MIL and FIL had issues with BIL over Christmas and I think the saltiness probably won't go away.

BIL has stated that "their kids will wake up in their beds on Christmas." And I admire that he's trying to start that tradition. But he chose to move hundreds of miles away from his parents who are aging and also likes to keep them at an arm's length.

Their situation is somewhat similar to what's described. Depending on the family dynamic if MIL and FIL are there with SIL's family they can either all get along or there can be dynamics in SIL's extended family that make it harder to deal with. And that's also combined with the issue that MIL and FIL don't get a lot of quality one on one time with the grandkids if it's a giant event. This year they just can't travel out there. MIL just had joint replacement surgery and FIL will have surgery just after Christmas.

Last year they came into town on the 22nd and left on the 23rd so they could be home in time to celebrate Christmas. BIL didn't have to say it - it was quite clear that in all actions his priority was Christmas with his nuclear family and ILs and not his parents. There were words said in the new year.

MIL and FIL now live in our town. Who knows what the future holds and if they'll ever travel out of town for Christmas but I can see that all sides are going to have to get used to embracing a new kind of tradition.

mrsconn23 · October 2018

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

@charlotte989875, I so feel you on holiday 'fuckery' and people just 'deciding' things without taking anyone else into account.

BIL/SIL/nephews are going to SIL/BIL/nieces for Thanksgiving. Which is fine, but it sounds like this has been in the works for a minute...and we found out this weekend. FIL doesn't know yet, from what I gather. I'm sure it's going to go over like a lead balloon, since FIL passively-aggressively punished us all by being very rude when we did Thanksgiving the Saturday after last year, because he chose to stay home and do nothing on the day. I have tried to get DH to plant the seeds of FIL going to his family in IL, but it could very well end up being DH, me, DefConn, and maybe the kiddo. We can't travel because the kiddo will have to work and we're not leaving him home alone on a holiday weekend, or else I'd suggest we all go to IL. FIL is also weird about just coming to my family's dinner (which I've tried to understand, but it comes down to the fact that FIL's got some hang-ups he'll never get over).

Secondly, DH told me that BIL said that they don't plan to be in town on Christmas day. They insist on doing Christmas morning at home with their kids.

I'm pretty sure they plan to come in on the 23rd and then leave after dinner on the 24th. The rub is that again, we spent all of the 23rd and 24th with FIL last year, but we all went home to do Christmas morning and then we went to my family on Christmas day. FIL, again, was extremely upset with all of us that he was alone on Christmas day...even though he was invited several places to be with loved ones Christmas day. And we were at his house all day on the 23rd and 24th. We even invited him to come to our house to stay the night OR show up Christmas morning and do breakfast with us. And of course, he was invited to my family's Christmas dinner.

So DH has been insistent that we will be with FIL on Christmas day, but with BIL/SIL's plans...either we don't see them and our nephews OR we aren't with FIL on Christmas day again? Because ditching my family isn't an option. I have a solution to all of this...we do everything at our house and FIL stays with us Christmas eve, does Christmas morning/brunch with us, and then we go on to my family. But it's something where I have to play my cards at the right time and it still may not work.

BUT my issue with BIL/SIL's lack of flexibility is that puts us in a position where we're either missing them (and my nephew's first Christmas and my other nephew, who is getting to the fun age with regard to opening presents) or dealing with FIL's butthurtedness in person...because he is just as inflexible as they are being.

I'd LOVE for my kids to have woken up in their own beds every single Christmas morning of their lives, but sometimes it hasn't happened. Also, I get really annoyed with DH's siblings opt to use avoidance when it comes to FIL when they don't want to deal with him (and since they live OOT, they can just choose not to pick up the phone or respond to a text)...and it annoys DH as well, but he hasn't fully called them out on it (yes, I encourage him to do so).

And after the year I've had, all of the above is bullshit IMO and is making me even hate the idea of the holidays. I had pretty strong words for DH about it all Sunday and pointed out to DH that we (I) should get some sway in being 'selfish' since it's a) maybe the last holiday season where we'll have the kiddo home for while since his plan is to enter the military after HS and b) my mom had two major surgeries and cancer this year. Plusalso, my family, especially my mom, has been extremely understanding about how hard holidays are for DH's side since MIL's death.

You can find me making all the drinks to get through it all.

It's much easier for me to say, I know, I know. But I'd be sorely tempted to take the stance of "f**k all, y'all!" (aimed primarily at the ILs). This is my oldest son's last Xmas at home and we are spending Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning in our own home. And then the rest of Christmas with my mom and family because, well gosh, it's been really tough f**king year for her. You all are welcome to join in on any or all parts of that. So do not make even one complaint about it to me, if you choose not to come.
I see from my post that I'm angry for you, lol!

Oh yes, I'd love to go nuclear option on this fuckery and be all:

Image result for fuck yall gif

The only reason I don't is that I know DH is trying his best, and is as frustrated as I am about his family's choices and how his dad just cannot deal like a rational person with this type of shit. I do keep reminding him that whatever we do decide, it may very well not be 'enough' to FIL because sometimes I'm not sure FIL knows what he wants and/or struggles with holidays due to MIL not being here. So he wallows and is miserable (and lets you know), regardless of what anyone does try to do to accommodate him.

levioosa · October 2018

We also have holiday fuckery. FI talked to the siblings and said, “hey, why don’t we do a rotating deal so we get to see in laws but we’ll also get to spend one major holiday together?” For some reason that’s a hard concept to grasp.

Another thing that really bothers me is his sister’s fiance’s Grandparents (basically his parents), always expect them to spend every holiday at their place and it’s not realistic. They also get upset when we don’t invite them to events, which I think is weird and rude. I was pissed this last Fourth of July. They’ve complained for years that they don’t get invited to stuff and they begged to come to the 4th. We had a BBQ so I figured, sure, I’ll invite my family too, we have FSIL’s FIL’s over, it will be fine. So we invite them. My grandma was planning on bringing her (well behaved) dog. My parents were debating whether or not to bring their dog. Then FSIL-In laws say they absolutely can’t come without their dog (who is ill behaved and also they leave the house without him all the time). I have to coordinate to make that work. The day of the fourth they don’t even fucking come. They went to another party instead (and they didn’t bring their dog to that one). I was livid. All the drama and stress for nothing. They never apologized. And this is also a woman who pretends to be ultra polite. I’m obviously still pissed. And it makes me ultra annoyed that they expect to be invited to holidays but have people at their house only. FSIL’s FI doesn’t ever say no (her problem, not mine), and she doesnt want to upset her in-laws, but I’m tired of how unfair it is.

short+sassy · October 2018

Not just with this group on WW, but families being so inflexible and unwilling to compromise...to the extent where they are ruining/stressing their loved one's holidays...seems to be such a common theme! It's such a shame. It shouldn't be like that at all.

Why can't the important thing be just spending a special day with loved ones? Whether that is a different Dec. weekend. In January. Or heck, in August. It's people letting the HOLIDAY take precedence over what the holidays actually mean. Like the posters on TK who sometimes seem to put more importance on the RECEPTION/PARTY, than the actual wedding and its meaning.

I know, I'm preaching to the choir, lol.

VarunaTT · October 2018

My former MIL was a hosebeast when it came to holidays. Her basic reasoning was, "Well it was done to me, so Imma do it to you." B/c that's super healthy. It made the holidays horrible all the time b/c, as well you might imagine, I don't really respond well to bullying.

banana468 · October 2018

VarunaTT said:

My former MIL was a hosebeast when it came to holidays. Her basic reasoning was, "Well it was done to me, so Imma do it to you." B/c that's super healthy. It made the holidays horrible all the time b/c, as well you might imagine, I don't really respond well to bullying.

I know that my aunt dealt with a bullying MIL who was demanding to spend all the holidays with her son. The only solution that worked was for my aunt to turn into the hostess. People may not have meshed but it was then thrown to her MIL that they were spending that time together. You can't dictate the terms to the adults so you have to decide which is more important.

ILoveBeachMusic · October 2018

We are in the process of transitioning holidays. Our DS1 and DIL alternate Christmas with us and her parents. DD and SIL have been coming to our house for Christmas when DD isn't on call (2 out of 3 Christmases) and going to his parents when she is on call since they are local. They spend Thanksgiving with his parents when they are here for Christmas. DS2 is single so is home for every holiday for the moment. I know that soon DD and SIL will want to stay at their home with the boys for Christmas. At that point, I think we will need to pick a weekend when everyone comes to our house to have family celebration then H and I will travel for the actual day. I just can't see H and I being alone on Christmas day but who knows how it will end up. DS1 and DIL haven't been home for Thanksgiving in years. Now that they are close to her parents, it looks like they will be spending that holiday with her family. I'm not very happy about that since his birthday is also at that time. I haven't spent a birthday with him in 6 years because they have been so far away. Oh well, family drama!

edited for spelling

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