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Wedding Woes

It's Monday again

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Re: It's Monday again

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2018
    banana468 said:
    Yeah - as far as age goes, I had mine before 35 but one good friend had her 1st at 36, another had her first at 27 and my MOH is due with her first and is 39.

    I think older first-time parents are pretty common now. 


    So true!  And 33 or 34 is hardly too old, even considering wanting more than 1 child.

    But, just as a general warning to women considering later motherhood, be aware of the stats.  They become markedly bleaker, in terms of fertility and miscarriage rates, as a woman enters her 40s.  I mean, you'd think the difference between 39 and 40 would be pretty arbitrary, slight differences.  But they're not.  And even just one more year a woman is older (after 40) will have a noticeable difference in those rates.

    I just always like to remind because, as a woman who just entered her mid-40s, I get it.  While I don't want to have a baby.  It definitely feels like it would be NBD to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, if I wanted one.  Because I still feel young (because I am, lol) and physically about the same way I did in my 30s.  But the stats say otherwise and I can absolutely understand why other women might be blindsided by that.

    Eh, as a woman getting older, and I don’t mean to be rude here, I absolutely loathe these reminders. We know. Women generally know. It’s a constant constant refrain and I find it patronizing and hurtful to hear again and again and again. 

    I actually didn't know, at least not the extent, and was quite surprised by the facts I came across.  I certainly didn't mean to be patronizing.  I was trying to be factual and helpful over something I think there is a lot of misconception about.  And that I was wrong about until I did some research last year.  I knew the over-35 and being pregnant "boogie-man" was a myth, because there are only slight differences through one's 20s and 30s.  However, I thought it largely remained slight differences through all child bearing years.  That's the part I was wrong about and that's the part that surprised me.  It's not information I'd ever heard.  But I sincerely apologize to you or anyone else if it was repetitive or brought up a hurtful subject.  You all are my internet friends and it is the last thing I would want to do.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875levioosaOliveOilsMom
  • I remember the Max story, @6fsn .  Going into the OB's office and having the doctor say, "Little too late for BCP, eh?"  :D  I guess someone has to be the new HMonkey.

    Image result for i remember gif
    ShesSoColdOliveOilsMommrsconn23
  • @levioosa I was a nervous pregnant lady and the one thing that calmed me down were baby kicks.   The first trimester was a shitty mindfuck.  I was fatigued, parts hurt and I didn't feel anything.   Plus, there aren't OB appointments at a regular basis so you basically walk around going "Sooo....I *think* everything is great....unless you know something??" 

    I never had HG or major sicknesses but I really did not like the concept that I tried to everything right and there wasn't a quick feedback loop to tell me that I was doing a good job. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @banana468 I guess I get extra freaked out because I "know" too much, you know? Like I see the shitty things all the time so it makes them seem more frequent then they are. And then you add in the fact that almost all the people I know who are the most educated, most careful in their pregnancies have had kids with disabilities or genetic issues really freaks me out. And as an insult to injury, the issues are always in the field they've worked. Neuro specialist? Freak fetal stroke in womb. Researcher for autism? Autistic child. Geneticist? Almost impossible to catch genetic fetal issues. There's literally no guarantee. And yet some of my patients who smoke, do drugs, and drink their whole pregnancies have totally healthy kids. It blows my mind. And terrifies me. Logically I know the statistics and risks, but it starts to wear you down when you see the complications all the time. 

    *Not advocating illicit substances, smoking or alcohol during pregnancy.* 


    image
    banana468
  • VarunaTT said:
    I remember the Max story, @6fsn .  Going into the OB's office and having the doctor say, "Little too late for BCP, eh?"  :D  I guess someone has to be the new HMonkey.

    Image result for i remember gif
    Was it a “surprise, you’re pregnant!” from the OB 6?  I had one of those too. Gotta love that urine sample  :D
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @charlotte989875 - Coming from the other side of things - I assumed I'd have kids, but didn't really feel a pull for one until just prior to DD1. She was also something of a surprise.

    Having tried for DD2, and trying now - well, basically, I'm really grateful for the surprise that was DD1. We have the kid we didn't plan and don't have the one we did, and we don't have any more despite the plans (yet).

    So I'll also say don't wait for the perfect time, because it doesn't exist, but also you're not going to be able to guarantee anything at all. I really want DD1 to have a sibling to grow up with, and of course we want more kids to love... and we're trying to do that, but honestly it's out of our control. I think the hardest thing about deciding to have kids is giving up a lot of control, whether or not you eventually have them. But there are more things in life than this which you have no control over, so maybe it's good practice. Good luck with that discernment and with your conversations with your H. Just don't make any decision out of fear.

    But depending on what your priorities are, as @OliveOilsMom said - you can still do the things you really want. You might have to wait a year, or adjust a little, and you probably can't do all of them, but you can still do things.

    Anniversary

    ei34OliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah - as far as age goes, I had mine before 35 but one good friend had her 1st at 36, another had her first at 27 and my MOH is due with her first and is 39.

    I think older first-time parents are pretty common now. 


    So true!  And 33 or 34 is hardly too old, even considering wanting more than 1 child.

    But, just as a general warning to women considering later motherhood, be aware of the stats.  They become markedly bleaker, in terms of fertility and miscarriage rates, as a woman enters her 40s.  I mean, you'd think the difference between 39 and 40 would be pretty arbitrary, slight differences.  But they're not.  And even just one more year a woman is older (after 40) will have a noticeable difference in those rates.

    I just always like to remind because, as a woman who just entered her mid-40s, I get it.  While I don't want to have a baby.  It definitely feels like it would be NBD to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, if I wanted one.  Because I still feel young (because I am, lol) and physically about the same way I did in my 30s.  But the stats say otherwise and I can absolutely understand why other women might be blindsided by that.

    Eh, as a woman getting older, and I don’t mean to be rude here, I absolutely loathe these reminders. We know. Women generally know. It’s a constant constant refrain and I find it patronizing and hurtful to hear again and again and again. 

    I actually didn't know, at least not the extent, and was quite surprised by the facts I came across.  I certainly didn't mean to be patronizing.  I was trying to be factual and helpful over something I think there is a lot of misconception about.  And that I was wrong about until I did some research last year.  I knew the over-35 and being pregnant "boogie-man" was a myth, because there are only slight differences through one's 20s and 30s.  However, I thought it largely remained slight differences through all child bearing years.  That's the part I was wrong about and that's the part that surprised me.  It's not information I'd ever heard.  But I sincerely apologize to you or anyone else if it was repetitive or brought up a hurtful subject.  You all are my internet friends and it is the last thing I would want to do.
    Oh for sure! I completely know you had only the best intentions. 
    charlotte989875
  • I was going to type and went to bed instead, but, FWIW, we had a long struggle to get t a place re: kids.
    I've always wanted kids.  I didn't love all aspects of it, but, it was kinda a given for me.  The Mr. and I discussed pre-marriage, and decided not yet.  We had annual discussion of where we were on the topic, and a few years in, we were at the point where I was 'as soon as you're on board' and he was 'not yet'.
    Except it evolved (devolved?) into "so....you ready yet?" and "uhm, I"m not sure I ever want kids"
    And that was hard.  really hard.
    The fact that we wanted to be married didn't make it better--if it came down to it, I'd give up hypothetical kids to keep the marriage.  and if it came down to it, he'd have hypothetical kids to keep the marriage.  Which left us in stalemate.
    We stayed there for well over a year.  Both doing some soul searching.  And man it was hard.  And man, I nearly killed people who asked asinine "so, when you having kids?' questions.  Because, fuck them.

    I got to explore, in a far deeper way, WHY I wanted kids, besides 'it's just what you do'.  And learn to verbalize it a little.  And the Mr. had to deal w/ his mental health stuff and how the lie of depression hopelessness affected his life choices. So it was good for us.  I still wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    And, the Mr. said he was on board.  (but, realistically, he was less gung ho than I was.  He doesn't regret the decision t have buffy, but, realistically, he was not quite sure and said it was like skydiving with a big doubt the parachute would open.  But, you're in a plane and at the edge, so, he jumped)
    And then there were years of IF and migraines (Buffy would be about 3+ years older if she had shown up when we 'scheduled' her)

    And the Mr's reluctance to try for another is one of the reasons Buffy is (and will remain) an only child.  (that and having to go off migraine meds for another 3 years?  fuck that) I'd have done it again, in spite of the hell that was TTC and pregnancy.
    BUT, that said, I'm OK w/ where we ended up, and Buffy's needs ('twice exceptional') make the 'one and done' much more OK.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Super late to the baby train, but I wanted to chime in.  My OBGYN is a bit of an unintentional baby pusher.  She had her children in her late 30's so after I got married at 36 and started asking questions about what I should do for my health *if* H and I decided to stop preventing, I think she was trying to provide encouragement.

    But she said something at my last appointment that really reasonated with me.  She told me "It's impossible for someone with children to remember their life without them so we can never provide an unbiased opinion."

    H wanted kids and I didn't.  I agreed to not prevent one, but then life happened.  I started a new job the same month I was supposed to go off birth control, so we agreed to wait a year.  He ran for office and won, so now's definitly not the time to get pregnant!  As I'm approaching my 39th (youch) birthday, neither of us are at a point where we're willing to put our careers in the backseat for a baby (and with out schedules, one of us would have to).

    I think if we had a kid I would be fine with it and probably be a fine mom, but I too had a shitty childhood so I'm not mourning the path our life has taken us.  I just worry H may regret it, and if he does we can always look into adoption.

    There is no magic button or easy way to decide, but I think to my Dr's point, either way you'll be fine:).  I have a friend who felt like I did and she didn't prevent for almost 10 years before becoming pregnant!  I have another who wanted a child, but assumed it would take a while and became pregnant her first whole month without BC.  Life's a crap shoot, but either way you'll decide what's right for you.
    charlotte989875
  • mrsmitten said:
    Super late to the baby train, but I wanted to chime in.  My OBGYN is a bit of an unintentional baby pusher.  She had her children in her late 30's so after I got married at 36 and started asking questions about what I should do for my health *if* H and I decided to stop preventing, I think she was trying to provide encouragement.

    But she said something at my last appointment that really reasonated with me.  She told me "It's impossible for someone with children to remember their life without them so we can never provide an unbiased opinion."

    H wanted kids and I didn't.  I agreed to not prevent one, but then life happened.  I started a new job the same month I was supposed to go off birth control, so we agreed to wait a year.  He ran for office and won, so now's definitly not the time to get pregnant!  As I'm approaching my 39th (youch) birthday, neither of us are at a point where we're willing to put our careers in the backseat for a baby (and with out schedules, one of us would have to).

    I think if we had a kid I would be fine with it and probably be a fine mom, but I too had a shitty childhood so I'm not mourning the path our life has taken us.  I just worry H may regret it, and if he does we can always look into adoption.

    There is no magic button or easy way to decide, but I think to my Dr's point, either way you'll be fine:).  I have a friend who felt like I did and she didn't prevent for almost 10 years before becoming pregnant!  I have another who wanted a child, but assumed it would take a while and became pregnant her first whole month without BC.  Life's a crap shoot, but either way you'll decide what's right for you.

    On that thought, my H's parents had 3 bio children (one of them died at 17, in a car crash).  And then adopted my H when they were in their 40s.  I think they went directly to the adoption route at that point in their lives.  He was young when he was adopted (4 years old), but not a baby.  He never felt like his parents were too "old" and couldn't keep up with him or any of that kind of nonsense.

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    charlotte989875flantastic
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