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Registry is okay, but funds are "rude" Does anyone else think this is archaic?!

be_braverbe_braver member
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edited December 2018 in Registry and Gift Forum
Lol so I posted in another board about my eco-friendly wedding one of the things we are doing is not having a gift registry (consumerism.) Instead we created an "adoption fund" similar to a honeymoon fund, but it is obviously to help us adopt in the future. I got an overwhelming response about how unacceptable it is. If you think it is unacceptable and want to tell me that I don't really care tbh. Because I think it is absolutely absurd that people are allowed to "request" for specific items down to the T of what colored monogramed pillow they want but that it is considered rude to have a fund. (not knocking those who have a registry, just saying it seems hypocritical for people to be okay with that, but not a fund) Knowing that it is going to help cover the extensive cost to get our son I think is way more special than a plate set, and yet it is "under no circumstances ever acceptable" according to some on here. Can someone actually logically explain to me, with a real tangible reason why it is okay to ask for a list of items, but not a non-item gift?! Truthfully I feel like this goes into the category of people are being brainwashed by consumerism, because I have to hear an actual reason why it is bad to believe it. Stating something is rude, or tacky isn't a reason, unless you can explain WHY it is rude/tacky, and why on top of that, asking for physical items are not rude or tacky. I created the fund because I want them to know where their money is going to go and how valuable their contribution is to us for those who feel the need to gift us something. 
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Re: Registry is okay, but funds are "rude" Does anyone else think this is archaic?!

  • be_braverbe_braver member
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    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    Assuming you really want an answer, here goes. A registry is a list of suggestions to guide a guest not a request for specific things - you (general you) don't have to buy anything off the registry. A guest can choose an item on the registry, write a check or look at the registry to see the type of things the couple wants and buy something that meshes well.  When you set a fund of any type you are asking for money. It is considered rude to ask for money because you are specifically telling your guests how to gift you/spend their money without giving them choice in the matter. Of course they don't have to give you a gift but most people don't do that. Another reason people frown on funds is when people budget for gifts they may not have a large budget. They may use coupons and sales in order to give a nice gift. They can't do that if they have to give a monetary gift. That can be embarrassing to the guest.
    This part makes sense to me, the other part not so much. I feel like the other part is more telling people how to gift you. But I understand the budget argument.
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  • be_braverbe_braver member
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    MobKaz said:
    ryanandjaedi said:
    Lol so I posted in another board about my eco-friendly wedding one of the things we are doing is not having a gift registry (consumerism.) Instead we created an "adoption fund" similar to a honeymoon fund, but it is obviously to help us adopt in the future. I got an overwhelming response about how unacceptable it is. If you think it is unacceptable and want to tell me that, good for you, I don't really care tbh. Because I think it is absolutely absurd that people are allowed to "request" for specific items down to the T of what colored monogramed pillow they want but that it is considered rude to have a fund. Knowing that it is going to help cover the extensive cost to get our son I think is way more special than a plate set, and yet it is "under no circumstances ever acceptable" according to some wedding fairies on here. Can someone actually logically explain to me, with a real tangible reason why it is okay to ask for a list of items, but not a non-item gift?! Truthfully I feel like this goes into the category of people are being brainwashed by consumerism, because I have to hear an actual reason why it is bad to believe it. Stating something is rude, or tacky isn't a reason, unless you can explain WHY it is rude/tacky, and why on top of that, asking for physical items are not rude or tacky. I created the fund because I want them to know where their money is going to go and how valuable their contribution is to us for those who feel the need to gift us something. 
    Wedding fairy here.  I answered you on your other post.
    Can someone explain to ME why, when people receive an answer they do not like, they simply say, "this is a rule I disagree with, therefore I will not abide by it".  Can someone also explain to me why, when one disagrees with a response, they immediately get defensive because they were not validated?

    Stating I don't agree with a rule and won't follow it doesn't mean I'm defensive. If I was, I wouldn't have opened up a discussion about it. But I'm not going to blindly follow a rule just because it is one. On the other thread I never heard WHY it was bad, just that it was, which is silly. It's like saying to people under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to wear purple to a dinner party... like wtf why? and people just responding BECAUSE IT IS RUDE TO WEAR PURPLE. Not a reason... the person stating budgets being tight is a valid reason... but restating a statement is not. And it isn't defensive to not agree with a rule LOL
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    LOL so...most of us frequent all the boards so coming to one board to shit talk another doesn't look good.

    I don't know anyone who can't use money. Everyone knows everyone needs money. Whether it's for a down payment on a home or an adoption in your case, or for a 40 foot worm farm, everyone needs money. It's a good, universal gift. If you don't want "stuff" and you prefer money (which my H and I did), just don't register. When people ask, you tell them you're saving for an adoption. That way you don't look rude to some of your guests who may feel the same way we do AND you're not losing that 7% or whatever to the company. 

    You very clearly judge registries for material items, why can't we judge monetary registries? 
    Holy Consumerism!  Wasting 7% of a request for cash seems......absurd!  I wonder if these guests will know that their money is going to that!
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    edited December 2018
    kahluakoala said:
    So, I’m a person who’s mostly on your side - mainly because I come from a culture/region where cash is the only expected wedding gift so I see it as a convenient way to do what I was already gonna do, but there’s been a couple arguments that have resonated with me so I’ll share:

    1.) to me the single most compelling reason not to do a “fund” is that some (not all) of your guests will think you’re being rude and tacky. Even if I disagree this definitely matters to me 

    2.) the nomenclature of “funds” and “donations” can be really off-putting to people. It makes it seem like it’s not just a wedding gift but a charitable donation to the cause of your vacation or house or personal expenses (many of which your guests are struggling to afford for themselves) can just kind of have an icky feel

    3.) the fee - not ideal. Personally I don’t mind a ton because to me it saves me on a card but they’re not usually transparent about it which kind of stinks 

    4.) the lack of transparency - again people will think they’re actually buying you a massage when they’re actually just giving you a check (less of an issue with your situation but also a thing many people feel). 

    To me, I was like “oh cool a way for people who don’t want to deal with checks/cards or feel uncomfortable putting cash in an envelope have a convenient way to give a gift” but then I realized that some of my guests would find it offputting for many of the reasons above so I opted against it. 

    Hope this helps
     

    Just to add to this, especially points 1 and 2, there are also people out there who prefer giving a physical gift.  There are also people who find any mention of money off-putting.  And my H is one of them, lol.

    I'll give an example.  We were invited to a wedding where my H's friend was the groom.  I told my H to ask them where they are registered.  The groom said they really didn't need anything, so they weren't registered anywhere.  The groom further said they didn't expect gifts but, if we wanted, they'd prefer money for their honeymoon.

    I mean, that's about as downplayed as one can get for requesting cash.  I thought it was fine.  I saw it as an honest answer to the question we asked about registries.  But my H slightly side-eyed it.  I wanted to just write them a check and put it in a card.  What they wanted, easy-peasy for us.  However my H, who rarely has any kind of opinion on this kind of stuff, said he just doesn't like giving cash as a gift, in general.  It just feels "ick" to him.  We compromised and gave them a bottle of wine (they love wine) and a slightly smaller check.   

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  • be_braverbe_braver member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    LOL so...most of us frequent all the boards so coming to one board to shit talk another doesn't look good.

    I don't know anyone who can't use money. Everyone knows everyone needs money. Whether it's for a down payment on a home or an adoption in your case, or for a 40 foot worm farm, everyone needs money. It's a good, universal gift. If you don't want "stuff" and you prefer money (which my H and I did), just don't register. When people ask, you tell them you're saving for an adoption. That way you don't look rude to some of your guests who may feel the same way we do AND you're not losing that 7% or whatever to the company. 

    You very clearly judge registries for material items, why can't we judge monetary registries? 
    I only created a new post on this board because I figured it was more relevant and I could perhaps get an answer here, I'm fine with those who commented on my other board coming and seeing this. 

    And I don't like the whole losing the percentage to another company, but I don't know how else to give those who want to gift online (vs cash or check) another option. I unfortunately know a lot of people who don't even have checks, and like convenience If there was another option I would like to know how I can still offer this convenience to people.

    I also didn't mean to come across as judgey to gift registries so I edited my original post. But I wanted to make the point that it seems hypocritical to be okay with telling people who want to give you a gift exactly what to buy you but that it isn't okay to have a fund.
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  • be_braverbe_braver member
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    banana468 said:
    A lot of people are loathe to use an actual form like honeyfund because it's a registry for cash that takes a cut of the actual donation and the couple may not use it.

    One member here posted that she thought she bought a helicopter excursion for a couple because it looked awesome.   But what she did was gift them approximately $279 (not $300) in cash that they used however they wanted.   The deceit is a major issue for me.

    Also, if you just want to have a fund then put it out there via word of mouth.  That lets me know what to get you without being as abrupt. 


    I can totally see that, and I don't really love that idea either, I'm just not sure how else to make it convenient for people who don't have checks or like giving cash in a card.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    ryanandjaedi said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    LOL so...most of us frequent all the boards so coming to one board to shit talk another doesn't look good.

    I don't know anyone who can't use money. Everyone knows everyone needs money. Whether it's for a down payment on a home or an adoption in your case, or for a 40 foot worm farm, everyone needs money. It's a good, universal gift. If you don't want "stuff" and you prefer money (which my H and I did), just don't register. When people ask, you tell them you're saving for an adoption. That way you don't look rude to some of your guests who may feel the same way we do AND you're not losing that 7% or whatever to the company. 

    You very clearly judge registries for material items, why can't we judge monetary registries? 
    I only created a new post on this board because I figured it was more relevant and I could perhaps get an answer here, I'm fine with those who commented on my other board coming and seeing this. 

    And I don't like the whole losing the percentage to another company, but I don't know how else to give those who want to gift online (vs cash or check) another option. I unfortunately know a lot of people who don't even have checks, and like convenience If there was another option I would like to know how I can still offer this convenience to people.

    I also didn't mean to come across as judgey to gift registries so I edited my original post. But I wanted to make the point that it seems hypocritical to be okay with telling people who want to give you a gift exactly what to buy you but that it isn't okay to have a fund.

    Even for your all's own good, I would completely get rid of the fund option.  Don't let a website take a portion of most of your guests' gifts for "maybe" a guest here or there who would find paying online more convenient.

    From my own wedding experience and listening to other stories on these boards, most guests will give a cash/check gift tucked into a card.  Whether there is a physical gifts registry or not.  Whether the guest has checks or not.  I haven't heard of someone complaining that they don't have checks, but also don't want to put cash in a card.  I just don't think that's a common complaint/inconvenience.

    And, if so, it's easily and quickly remedied.  For 10 years I didn't have checks.  However, every once in awhile I needed to mail one.  A quick stop at the closest post office, bank, or Walmart.  Buy a money order for a $1-$3 fee.  Done.

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    short+sassy said:
    ryanandjaedi said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    LOL so...most of us frequent all the boards so coming to one board to shit talk another doesn't look good.

    I don't know anyone who can't use money. Everyone knows everyone needs money. Whether it's for a down payment on a home or an adoption in your case, or for a 40 foot worm farm, everyone needs money. It's a good, universal gift. If you don't want "stuff" and you prefer money (which my H and I did), just don't register. When people ask, you tell them you're saving for an adoption. That way you don't look rude to some of your guests who may feel the same way we do AND you're not losing that 7% or whatever to the company. 

    You very clearly judge registries for material items, why can't we judge monetary registries? 
    I only created a new post on this board because I figured it was more relevant and I could perhaps get an answer here, I'm fine with those who commented on my other board coming and seeing this. 

    And I don't like the whole losing the percentage to another company, but I don't know how else to give those who want to gift online (vs cash or check) another option. I unfortunately know a lot of people who don't even have checks, and like convenience If there was another option I would like to know how I can still offer this convenience to people.

    I also didn't mean to come across as judgey to gift registries so I edited my original post. But I wanted to make the point that it seems hypocritical to be okay with telling people who want to give you a gift exactly what to buy you but that it isn't okay to have a fund.

    Even for your all's own good, I would completely get rid of the fund option.  Don't let a website take a portion of most of your guests' gifts for "maybe" a guest here or there who would find paying online more convenient.

    From my own wedding experience and listening to other stories on these boards, most guests will give a cash/check gift tucked into a card.  Whether there is a physical gifts registry or not.  Whether the guest has checks or not.  I haven't heard of someone complaining that they don't have checks, but also don't want to put cash in a card.  I just don't think that's a common complaint/inconvenience.

    And, if so, it's easily and quickly remedied.  For 10 years I didn't have checks.  However, every once in awhile I needed to mail one.  A quick stop at the closest post office, bank, or Walmart.  Buy a money order for a $1-$3 fee.  Done.

    This, especially the bolded. I find it surprising that you know "a lot of people who don't even have checks". How would you even know that? And even if that's correct, not every single thing in life can be paid with a card. They must have cash and I agree with PP that I'd be willing to bet that there's very few people who have no checks and refuse to use cash. 

    I think you're grasping at straws to find ways to argue in favor of your "fund". 

    Even if you don't find it rude or tacky, some of your guests might. That right there would be enough for me to not use a monetary registry. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    One more thing. A real-world, real-time example. My friend is getting married so I just stalked her registry. She did a standard store and Zola. Because the wedding is coming up shortly, most items have been purchased. Something on Zola says "group gift- down payment on a house." There's a dollar amount listed. And 0% contributed. Zero. Percent. 

    I'm glad to see none of her guests are getting duped by a cash registry. I'm sure she'll get lots of cash enclosed in cards come the wedding day. 
    ________________________________


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  • ei34ei34 member
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    In my region/culture/circle, registries are for showers, which is a known gift-giving event.  Everyone brings a physical gift, and the guidance the registry provides is appreciated.

    By contrast, a wedding isn’t a gift-giving event.  (Sure, most guests do give a gift.  By me, it’s an envelope 99.5% of the time.  I received ONE physical gift at my 175-guest wedding.  Everyone in my world knows cash is a great gift.)  But on your other post you said you were letting guests know about your adoption fund on your wedding site for your wedding.  That’s my biggest gripe.  It’s crass to mention gifts in writing for the wedding itself.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Agree with all PPs on this post and also on your other post. 


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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    I don't understand how asking for cash is somehow less "consumerist" than registering for presents. We are all consumers of something. If you were really serious about minimizing your footprint, you'd be registering for antique china and silver from your guests' attics. That's the ultimate recycling. 

    But obviously, that would be crass, too, so if you really want money, just don't register and say nothing. Most people will give cash in that case, but please be gracious and write thank you notes to the people who decide to get you towels or a blender instead.
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  • mariakatrionamariakatriona member
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    [I'm coming to this thread a few months late, but since it's a common question I'll go ahead and add some of my thoughts.]

    Venmo, PayPal, electronic funds transfer through their bank.  If people want to give money, don't have checks, and are uncomfortable with cash, they will find a way.

    The reason that gift registries are okay is that they evolved over time.  Originally, a registry consisted of telling your sister and mom what China pattern you wanted.  Guests would inquire to them and receive the information.  The stores then started keeping that information.  The expectations of what items were appropriate to include shifted (specific pieces to the China set and silverware -> kitchen and household items that aren't part of a larger set -> outdoor/"manly" items like stepladders and leaf blowers).  It is still, and always has been, inappropriate to include items for only one member of the couple and to advertise the registry.  If registries had sprung up fully developed to the state they're in now, they would be rude.  It's the history that makes them acceptable.  The social-cultural background is important.

    Letting people know (indirectly) which dishes you want makes logistical sense, because no one person is likely to buy an entire set.  There are personal preferences involved in creating and using a gift registry.  The same does not hold true for money.  Aunt Brenda can give you a $200 check and college friend Dave can give you $40 cash and it doesn't matter in the slightest that they are different formats.  Also, no one is worried that money might not be quite right for you.
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  • nanasangelsnanasangels newb
    First Comment
    I totally agree.  What is the difference between a gift registry (which most guests find incredibly helpful in deciding what to bring to the wedding.)  A gift registry is usually pretty specific (the bride and groom use guns to select specific items to include)  So,  you ARE asking for something in particular - asking for cash is not any more specific.  And if what you really want or need is extra help with extras on your honeymoon, or a new house, or a particular piece of expensive furniture (especially if you've depleted your bank account paying for the wedding) then there's nothing wrong with asking for that.  Those who talk about "etiquette' might just as well go back to the days when father's had to provide dowries in order to get rid of their daughters!  Seriously.  Times have changed.  Etiquette has to change with the times.  In today's world, a lot of couples are starting their married lives with two of everything from their single lives.  If what they really want is money, for whatever they want to do with it, there's nothing wrong with that.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    nanasangels said:
    I totally agree.  What is the difference between a gift registry (which most guests find incredibly helpful in deciding what to bring to the wedding.)  A gift registry is usually pretty specific (the bride and groom use guns to select specific items to include)  So,  you ARE asking for something in particular - asking for cash is not any more specific.  And if what you really want or need is extra help with extras on your honeymoon, or a new house, or a particular piece of expensive furniture (especially if you've depleted your bank account paying for the wedding) then there's nothing wrong with asking for that.  Those who talk about "etiquette' might just as well go back to the days when father's had to provide dowries in order to get rid of their daughters!  Seriously.  Times have changed.  Etiquette has to change with the times.  In today's world, a lot of couples are starting their married lives with two of everything from their single lives.  If what they really want is money, for whatever they want to do with it, there's nothing wrong with that.
    @nanasangels this thread is 3 years old.  When you look up something to respond look at the last posted date.  This is considered a dead thread.

    But a word to the wise - it's never OK to ask outright for money.  Weddings aren't charities.
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