Wedding Woes

How did you not know...like visually...?

Q. Boyfriend believes he’s 6 feet tallI met my boyfriend, David, on Tinder five months ago, and it was a match made in heaven. He’s compassionate, attractive, and a bombshell in bed. Recently, at our physical, I learned something. David is 5 feet, 8 inches tall. On his Tinder profile, he lists himself as 6 feet. On our first date, I asked him [if he is] really 6 feet. He got agitated and said yes.

I feel lied to and betrayed—why is he so insecure about his height? He takes so much pride in being tall. Always bragging to our friends and acquaintances, commenting how he won’t fit in that car, asking if I need help getting something off the top shelf. When the doctor read off his height I thought I saw his eyes start to swell up. Now he’s attempting to stick his height into every conversation. I have been afraid to bring it up, but this is really bugging me. I see marriage in our future, as we’re both almost 40—but this needs to be settled first.

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Re: How did you not know...like visually...?

  • Yeah, the only doctor's appts I remember DH coming to were a few during my pregnancy and then when I had a panic attack earlier this year.  I don't think he's ever been in the exam room with me at any other time. 

    But her harping on this still, after all this time, is insane.  I truly don't understand why she's wanting to die on this hill of all the hills. 
  • I have so many questions, mainly why they were at the physical together and tearing up when the Dr says how tall you are (which I think probably isn't true as I've never had a Dr look at my chart and say OK you're 5'4", great"). Just weird. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2018
    I’m 6’0 so I kinda know the difference between 5’8 and 6’0.  I remember when I was online dating and yes people lie!  But you’re dating/getting serious dude.  Obviously LW doesn’t care.  Own up to it!  

    Edit to add; when I was in my 20’s I actually didnt talk to people shorter than me.  I just wasn’t attracted to shorter people (I did date someone shorter and I didn’t really like it). H turned out to be 6’4 so all is well but if I had to go back to the dating world I don’t think i’d be as picky. 

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2018
    She asked on their first date if he really was 6 foot.  The man might have a bad feeling about his height, but uh...she fed into the stereotype.  Why is SHE so insecure about his height that she feels "lied and betrayed."  Honestly, that's overwrought and silly.

    Honestly, I think she should just find as many moments as possible to tell him how attractive she finds him and loves every inch of him.  (Literally that, no "even if it's not 6 foot" type of thing), so he can find some positive validation about his height and maybe start moving past it.  And bean dip him when he brings it up.
  • VarunaTT said:
    She asked on their first date if he really was 6 foot.  The man might have a bad feeling about his height, but uh...she fed into the stereotype.  Why is SHE so insecure about his height that she feels "lied and betrayed."  Honestly, that's overwrought and silly.

    Honestly, I think she should just find as many moments as possible to tell him how attractive she finds him and loves every inch of him.  (Literally that, no "even if it's not 6 foot" type of thing), so he can find some positive validation about his height and maybe start moving past it.  And bean dip him when he brings it up.
    I’d do that, because he did lie to her. You told me you’re 6 foot, you’re clearly lying, and I’m not here for you doing that to me. I’m either just going to never see you again, or we’ll talk about it and move on. 

    But this is an issue you either resolve and move on early, or you move on from each other. 
  • I agree.  There is a lot of "odd" in this letter.  Especially being at his physical exam.  For funsies, I looked up the stats.  The average height of a man in the U.S. is 5'9 1/2".  So, he's slightly shorter than average and is obviously insecure about that.  Other than the first date convo, everything else she mentions aren't lies.  They are, at best, maybe exaggerations because he wishes he was taller.

    I don't get why this is a big deal for her and needs to be "settled".  Which, suspiciously kind of makes his point.  We, as a society, do put an extra heavy "value" on height.  For both men and women.  And the LW seems to be playing right into that.

    I'm also curious what needs to be "settled".  Does it bug her he supposedly brings up his height or makes inferences about his height so much?  Or does he lie specifically about how tall he is to other people?  Either one is just a casual conversation.  Like, "B/F, you probably don't realize it, but you're always making references to your height.  It's getting a bit redundant and I'd appreciate it if you could cut it back."  Or, in private and in a light/slightly teasing tone, "You just told New Friend you're 6'0" tall!  Come on now.  You know you're not quite that tall and New Friend has eyes (ha ha).  But you're just the perfect height for me (hug)."

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  • LW must either be dumb or super unobservant. FI is a little on the shorter side at 5’7”. I’m only 5’2”. I have never been under the impression that FI is six feet tall. Like....they’re not even close. I’m glad FI isn’t self-conscious about his height because he could be. I also wouldn’t have had time for that nonsense. Guys with a chip on their shoulder about their height is a huge turn off for me.

    LW is five months in and this guy brings up his height at every turn and swears he’s six feet tall. I feel like there have to be more insecurities lurking around. And I can’t get past the fact she had to ask him. Like obviously he wasn’t six feet tall...or even 5’10”. And how great can this be that instead of communicating about how uncomfortable he is he just sticks his height into every conversation? Dude is almost 40. That sounds like something a 20 year old would do. 


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  • This is insane on so many accounts, I don't even know where to start. 

    I'm only 5'2", but I can definitely tell when someone is either 5'8" or 6'. 

    Why were they at a doctor appt together where the doctor stated his height?

    Why is this guy making himself so much taller and then lying about it, thinking no one will know? Sorry, but 5'8" is short for a dude, IMO. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2018
    The entire letter is odd.  Why were they at a physical together?  And how did LW not notice a four inch height difference before that?  (Maybe she’s like 4’2?  Im 5’2 and I’d definitely be able to tell the difference between 5’8 and 6’0. One ht is short and the other is tall.)  
    And my main question is the boyfriend outright lying or does he actually believe he’s 6’0?  Both would concern me but I hate lying, especially on dating profiles.  Just gives me the icks...like you’re trying to trick someone into being interested in you. 

    Edit spelling 
  • Two of my pet peeves, in relation to height:

    The average height of a woman in the U.S. is 5'4".  And, as an aside, has been consistently for decades, which I found surprising.  But "petite" sizes are for women who are 5'4" and shorter.  Soooo...an average height is considered "short", size-wise.  Mmmkay.  Let me introduce clothing manufacturers to statistics and what terms like "average" actually mean.

    My personal pet peeve, in relation to height.  I'm only 5'0" tall.  Back in my single days, if I went out with a guy who was a few inches shorter than average, he would inevitably say...usually with a sigh of relief...how much he loved how short I was.  Not "most" shorter guys said that.  Every, single one of them did.  Which, I sort of "get".  Society teaches that being short, especially for men, is highly undesirable.  So I'm sure they spent their teenage/adult years getting crap about their height.  But, from my perspective, I wanted a guy to like me for me.  Not because I'm one of the few women he's still 5-7" taller than!  Which was sometimes the impression I got (shrug). 

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2018
    This feels off to me.  I feel like if this was a letter about an overweight woman, ya'll would be making some allowances.  Men do suffer from societal physical expectations and they suffer consequences for them as well that often are pooh-pooh'd.  Height has been proven in men to make professional differences in money and promotions, in addition to dating.

    The guy has obviously taken some shit about his height.  And to be behaving in this manner, it's pretty obviously some traumatic shit.  I think that needs to be validated and examined more than lying about 4".  If she cares about him (and she's allowed not to, but don't blame it on his damn height), helping him feel good about himself is more important than some sort of righteous indignation until he admits he lied about his height.
  • VarunaTT said:
    This feels off to me.  I feel like if this was a letter about an overweight woman, ya'll would be making some allowances.  Men do suffer from societal physical expectations and they suffer consequences for them as well that often are pooh-pooh'd.  Height has been proven in men to make professional differences in money and promotions, in addition to dating.

    The guy has obviously taken some shit about his height.  And to be behaving in this manner, it's pretty obviously some traumatic shit.  I think that needs to be validated and examined more than lying about 4".  If she cares about him (and she's allowed not to, but don't blame it on his damn height), helping him feel good about himself is more important than some sort of righteous indignation until he admits he lied about his height.
    Oh I think she’s totally off here; but if a woman’s partner was writing to Prudie saying she lied about her weight online and feeling indignant about it I’d definitely be saying he needed to sit down. 

    I dont think it’s that big of a deal for him to lie about his height, or have feelings about it; I do think she is making a much bigger deal about his “lying” than is necessary. I lie about my weight all the time (sometimes to myself) and if H ever got huffy & said I needed to admit I lied about it we’d definitely need to talk about why it bothered me so much.

    However, if his height is something that is causing this much pain for him in his everyday life that is probably something he needs to work out on his own. Yes, if she cares she needs to support him, but it sounds like something he needs to do the work on himself.  
  • Two of my pet peeves, in relation to height:

    The average height of a woman in the U.S. is 5'4".  And, as an aside, has been consistently for decades, which I found surprising.  But "petite" sizes are for women who are 5'4" and shorter.  Soooo...an average height is considered "short", size-wise.  Mmmkay.  Let me introduce clothing manufacturers to statistics and what terms like "average" actually mean.

    My personal pet peeve, in relation to height.  I'm only 5'0" tall.  Back in my single days, if I went out with a guy who was a few inches shorter than average, he would inevitably say...usually with a sigh of relief...how much he loved how short I was.  Not "most" shorter guys said that.  Every, single one of them did.  Which, I sort of "get".  Society teaches that being short, especially for men, is highly undesirable.  So I'm sure they spent their teenage/adult years getting crap about their height.  But, from my perspective, I wanted a guy to like me for me.  Not because I'm one of the few women he's still 5-7" taller than!  Which was sometimes the impression I got (shrug). 

    And if 5'4" is average, how is it that pants seem to be made for women 6 feet tall? Why do I constantly have to try to find short length in pants?! It's so annoying! 

    I also feel that some of my appeal to men was my height. I also feel why I was always told that I was "cute". It bugs. 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2018
    I agree that he needs to work on it himself.

    To me, I think she sounds like she has a problem with all of this and that his lying about his height has some sort of direct effect on her somehow.  Which I think is weird and odd and selfish.  If he had lied about a kid, a serious health concern, or something really big, I would be behind her 100%.  But I'd be more concerned about my partner personally in something like this, not angry over the lie.  If this is concealing some sort of other habit, but she's going on about match made in heaven, bomb in bed, etc.  So, it's reading to me like, OMG HE'S SO PERFECT, but short.  And I think that's gross and reactions like that have probably helped fuel his issue.
  • I have definitely gone in with my husband for a physical.  He kept forgetting to ask the doctor about stuff or forgetting what the doctor told him, so I went in with him.  And I've been with him for specialist appointments ... I don't find it that weird.  Not once have they mentioned his height though ... and I honestly have no idea how tall he is.

  • kerbohl said:
    I have definitely gone in with my husband for a physical.  He kept forgetting to ask the doctor about stuff or forgetting what the doctor told him, so I went in with him.  And I've been with him for specialist appointments ... I don't find it that weird.  Not once have they mentioned his height though ... and I honestly have no idea how tall he is.
    But this is a guy she's known for 5 months. I definitely would not have accompanied a boyfriend I was dating for such a short time. It's different to go with your spouse. 
  • I was married to my husband for 8 years before I went with him to the doctor.  

    And he never had me searching for four missing inches.
  • My first thought - if she's making an issue out of that one detail from a dating site profile, she's got other issues that have NOTHING to do with height (fear of commitment maybe)...  My only question is if the "missing inches" is in a height of something else...

    And in the room at the MD that short into dating...
  • levioosa said:
    VarunaTT said:
    This feels off to me.  I feel like if this was a letter about an overweight woman, ya'll would be making some allowances.  Men do suffer from societal physical expectations and they suffer consequences for them as well that often are pooh-pooh'd.  Height has been proven in men to make professional differences in money and promotions, in addition to dating.

    The guy has obviously taken some shit about his height.  And to be behaving in this manner, it's pretty obviously some traumatic shit.  I think that needs to be validated and examined more than lying about 4".  If she cares about him (and she's allowed not to, but don't blame it on his damn height), helping him feel good about himself is more important than some sort of righteous indignation until he admits he lied about his height.
    Oh I think she’s totally off here; but if a woman’s partner was writing to Prudie saying she lied about her weight online and feeling indignant about it I’d definitely be saying he needed to sit down. 

    I dont think it’s that big of a deal for him to lie about his height, or have feelings about it; I do think she is making a much bigger deal about his “lying” than is necessary. I lie about my weight all the time (sometimes to myself) and if H ever got huffy & said I needed to admit I lied about it we’d definitely need to talk about why it bothered me so much.

    However, if his height is something that is causing this much pain for him in his everyday life that is probably something he needs to work out on his own. Yes, if she cares she needs to support him, but it sounds like something he needs to do the work on himself.  
    Honestly I would say the same thing about a woman who constantly brought up her weight like this. It’s one thing to mention it once or to be self conscious about it, but it sounds like this guy is insecure to the point of obsession. He needs to work that out on his own first. LW is still weird, but I don’t think it’s wrong to suggest this guy needs to work some stuff out. 
    Yes to all of this.  LW nitpicking this and/or acting like it's some elaborate lie he must own up to for her to trust him or whatever is utterly ridic.   While he may have some issues with his height, she's got just as many for harping on this. Especially if there's NOTHING else that he's done to make her question him/their relationship.  

    Anecdotal, I don't remember the last time my height was measured...anywhere. Especially by a doctor.  Weight, sure...Height, nope.  
  • mrsconn23 said:
    levioosa said:
    VarunaTT said:
    This feels off to me.  I feel like if this was a letter about an overweight woman, ya'll would be making some allowances.  Men do suffer from societal physical expectations and they suffer consequences for them as well that often are pooh-pooh'd.  Height has been proven in men to make professional differences in money and promotions, in addition to dating.

    The guy has obviously taken some shit about his height.  And to be behaving in this manner, it's pretty obviously some traumatic shit.  I think that needs to be validated and examined more than lying about 4".  If she cares about him (and she's allowed not to, but don't blame it on his damn height), helping him feel good about himself is more important than some sort of righteous indignation until he admits he lied about his height.
    Oh I think she’s totally off here; but if a woman’s partner was writing to Prudie saying she lied about her weight online and feeling indignant about it I’d definitely be saying he needed to sit down. 

    I dont think it’s that big of a deal for him to lie about his height, or have feelings about it; I do think she is making a much bigger deal about his “lying” than is necessary. I lie about my weight all the time (sometimes to myself) and if H ever got huffy & said I needed to admit I lied about it we’d definitely need to talk about why it bothered me so much.

    However, if his height is something that is causing this much pain for him in his everyday life that is probably something he needs to work out on his own. Yes, if she cares she needs to support him, but it sounds like something he needs to do the work on himself.  
    Honestly I would say the same thing about a woman who constantly brought up her weight like this. It’s one thing to mention it once or to be self conscious about it, but it sounds like this guy is insecure to the point of obsession. He needs to work that out on his own first. LW is still weird, but I don’t think it’s wrong to suggest this guy needs to work some stuff out. 
    Yes to all of this.  LW nitpicking this and/or acting like it's some elaborate lie he must own up to for her to trust him or whatever is utterly ridic.   While he may have some issues with his height, she's got just as many for harping on this. Especially if there's NOTHING else that he's done to make her question him/their relationship.  

    Anecdotal, I don't remember the last time my height was measured...anywhere. Especially by a doctor.  Weight, sure...Height, nope.  
    So true.  They just take my word for it.  Not my word on the weight I give - that they need proof of. 

  • mrsconn23 said:
    levioosa said:
    VarunaTT said:
    This feels off to me.  I feel like if this was a letter about an overweight woman, ya'll would be making some allowances.  Men do suffer from societal physical expectations and they suffer consequences for them as well that often are pooh-pooh'd.  Height has been proven in men to make professional differences in money and promotions, in addition to dating.

    The guy has obviously taken some shit about his height.  And to be behaving in this manner, it's pretty obviously some traumatic shit.  I think that needs to be validated and examined more than lying about 4".  If she cares about him (and she's allowed not to, but don't blame it on his damn height), helping him feel good about himself is more important than some sort of righteous indignation until he admits he lied about his height.
    Oh I think she’s totally off here; but if a woman’s partner was writing to Prudie saying she lied about her weight online and feeling indignant about it I’d definitely be saying he needed to sit down. 

    I dont think it’s that big of a deal for him to lie about his height, or have feelings about it; I do think she is making a much bigger deal about his “lying” than is necessary. I lie about my weight all the time (sometimes to myself) and if H ever got huffy & said I needed to admit I lied about it we’d definitely need to talk about why it bothered me so much.

    However, if his height is something that is causing this much pain for him in his everyday life that is probably something he needs to work out on his own. Yes, if she cares she needs to support him, but it sounds like something he needs to do the work on himself.  
    Honestly I would say the same thing about a woman who constantly brought up her weight like this. It’s one thing to mention it once or to be self conscious about it, but it sounds like this guy is insecure to the point of obsession. He needs to work that out on his own first. LW is still weird, but I don’t think it’s wrong to suggest this guy needs to work some stuff out. 
    Yes to all of this.  LW nitpicking this and/or acting like it's some elaborate lie he must own up to for her to trust him or whatever is utterly ridic.   While he may have some issues with his height, she's got just as many for harping on this. Especially if there's NOTHING else that he's done to make her question him/their relationship.  

    Anecdotal, I don't remember the last time my height was measured...anywhere. Especially by a doctor.  Weight, sure...Height, nope.  
    Last year I got a physical and the measured my height. To my absolute shock I had grown an inch. I had been 5’1” for literally fifteen years. You are not supposed to grow pretty much two years after menstruation starts due to the closure of growth plates. My mom always told me she and my aunt grew two inches in their twenties and I thought they were full of shit. And then there the NP was, measuring me against the wall and saying “um, you’re 5’2”.” I almost had an identity crisis. Lol. 


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  • levioosa said:
    Last year I got a physical and the measured my height. To my absolute shock I had grown an inch. I had been 5’1” for literally fifteen years. You are not supposed to grow pretty much two years after menstruation starts due to the closure of growth plates. My mom always told me she and my aunt grew two inches in their twenties and I thought they were full of shit. And then there the NP was, measuring me against the wall and saying “um, you’re 5’2”.” I almost had an identity crisis. Lol. 

    That is crazy!  Wow!

    I'm still waiting for the growth spurt I was supposed to have when I was in jr. high, lol.

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  • Also, I think a lot of guys lie about their height and just don't like getting caught.  

    This is IMO not a big deal, BUT it is a sign of a potential insecurity and desire for some masculine dominance. 
  • Two of my pet peeves, in relation to height:

    The average height of a woman in the U.S. is 5'4".  And, as an aside, has been consistently for decades, which I found surprising.  But "petite" sizes are for women who are 5'4" and shorter.  Soooo...an average height is considered "short", size-wise.  Mmmkay.  Let me introduce clothing manufacturers to statistics and what terms like "average" actually mean.

    My personal pet peeve, in relation to height.  I'm only 5'0" tall.  Back in my single days, if I went out with a guy who was a few inches shorter than average, he would inevitably say...usually with a sigh of relief...how much he loved how short I was.  Not "most" shorter guys said that.  Every, single one of them did.  Which, I sort of "get".  Society teaches that being short, especially for men, is highly undesirable.  So I'm sure they spent their teenage/adult years getting crap about their height.  But, from my perspective, I wanted a guy to like me for me.  Not because I'm one of the few women he's still 5-7" taller than!  Which was sometimes the impression I got (shrug). 

    And if 5'4" is average, how is it that pants seem to be made for women 6 feet tall? Why do I constantly have to try to find short length in pants?! It's so annoying! 

    I also feel that some of my appeal to men was my height. I also feel why I was always told that I was "cute". It bugs. 
    As a woman who is 6 feet tall, I can confidently say that pants are not cut for us either. In most brands, even the long lengths are too short for me. I read once that clothes are typically cut for women a little taller than the 5'4 average, because average range skews higher. (e.g. there are more women taller than 5'7 than there are shorter than 5'1, but the average hovers at 5'4 because of the sheer number of women who are 5'2-5'4). But there is probably some institutional racism happening too.  And I'm a geek. 

    I think both LW and the guy are weirdos. But if my 5'8 friend mentioned that he was too tall to fit in the backseat of the car, I wouldn't be able to control my laughter. 
  • Amusing story:  at some point while my aunt was working for her old company (over 30 years ago)  all the guys who said that they were 6' tall stood next to one another.   Her husband was next to them and said that he was 5' 11.5" and he was taller than all of them.   Then when called out the liars would say, "Well that's what it says on my driver's license" - a form that they fill out themselves.

    A lot of guys just don't like to admit that they're not tall so they lie about it.

    I hope to the heavens that this woman never lies about a size or her weight or hair color.


  • banana468 said:
    Amusing story:  at some point while my aunt was working for her old company (over 30 years ago)  all the guys who said that they were 6' tall stood next to one another.   Her husband was next to them and said that he was 5' 11.5" and he was taller than all of them.   Then when called out the liars would say, "Well that's what it says on my driver's license" - a form that they fill out themselves.

    A lot of guys just don't like to admit that they're not tall so they lie about it.

    I hope to the heavens that this woman never lies about a size or her weight or hair color.


    Lol. My driver's license was at least 20-30 pounds wrong on my weight for years! (And, no, I wasn't that weight when I originally got it. :# )  No one checks that stuff. And I just had to renew it, but I'm pregnant, so I definitely put my pre-pregnancy weight. 
  • I don't know anyone whose info is correct on their driver's license. I just looked at mine - I'm 5'7" and 120 lbs. I'm like 5'5"-6 ish and 140 (also currently at my my smallest). 

    Last time I had to go into the DMV, the guy goes "Still 120?" I was like, "yeah let's go with that" and he didn't care. 

    That's a good point too, Banana, about LW lying about vanity stuff like this. She better not be acting like the BF is horrible for a white lie about his height if she does the same thing with herself. 

    I've known women who lie about their ages. I get that no one wants to be "old", but I'd rather be "old" and look it, than have people think I'm younger but look older, ya know? I'd lie UP, if anything. If I told people I was 20, I'd look like shit. But if I said I was 45, I'd probably look pretty damn good (I'm 31)!
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Dear lord I was off by 106 pounds for like... how long have I had my license? 21 years.  How many have called me on it?  None.  I think it’s stupid IMO. 

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