Moms and Maids

Clartify about Brudesmids

I’m confused. I read articles with “todo list and jobs” for bridesmaids on the knot and then I look on the forum and brides are being told that bridesmaids are required to do nothing but show up. 
So my question is, who can I ask for help? Or how do you manage to do everything your self? 

Re: Clartify about Brudesmids

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you are talking about DIY stuff or setting up and cleaning up for the wedding, doing things for the wedding that is on you and your FI maybe your parents if they are involved with the wedding. If people offer, that is fine. If you are talking about dress shopping you can ask your maids if they would like to go but if they can't that's ok - it isn't a requirement.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m confused. I read articles with “todo list and jobs” for bridesmaids on the knot and then I look on the forum and brides are being told that bridesmaids are required to do nothing but show up. 
    So my question is, who can I ask for help? Or how do you manage to do everything your self? 
    You have asked this question in one form or another several times.  The same people who have responded are the same people who will respond to this post.
    It's one week before your wedding.  Take care of what you can, and consider hiring staff for things you cannot.  Revisit what is needed and see where you can change or remove altogether.
    No one should depend on a random website to know how to treat people.  You are essentially hosting a big party with a specific theme.  How would you typically handle that?
    Focus on the point of your day.
    ShesSoColdei34InLoveInQueens
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A bridesmaid's job is to show up on the day of the wedding, in the agreed upon attire, participate in the ceremony and smile for photos. Anything else is extra and purely voluntary. Your FI, the other person getting married, should be also planning the wedding. If it is more than the two of you can handle, you either cut back or rely on hired staff. Sometimes parents will also offer to help, it is absolutely fine to take them up on it, but it's not ok to expect them to help.

    All those lists are things put out by the wedding industry, to try to get people to make a bigger production of weddings and spend more money. They don't give a damn if your friends resent you or if your wedding is a hardship for everyone else. They just want you to spend as much money as possible. Some BMs decide to do some of those checklist items, and they will offer. If they do not offer, it is not acceptable to ask.
    charlotte989875short+sassythisismynickname2ei34
  • edited January 2019
    I have asked this question before but I thought if I reworded if then maybe I could get advice on logistics not advice about how I’m a bad friend. We came into town Saturday and my bridesmaid have been popping by the say hi, grab a drink, lunch today, dinner tomorrow. I’m not fighting with them. I just think they don’t know about this stuff. Only 2 out of 10 have been in weddings before. I’m just disappointed and I am trying to resolve these issues before the day. I am trying to change my reaction and feelings and not trying to change them. 
    So im trying to get advice on what to do because I never thought in a million years I would need to hire someone to grab the guestbook and the cake topper, etc after the wedding. So I’m asking advice like who should I hire to do this stuff? Because this isn’t stuff I can cut out. I also don’t know how long to hire someone for. You think like an hour? To grab post wedding stuff. 
  • I have asked this question before but I thought if I reworded if then maybe I could get advice on logistics not advice about how I’m a bad friend. We came into town Saturday and my bridesmaid have been popping by the say hi, grab a drink, lunch today, dinner tomorrow. I’m not fighting with them. I just think they don’t know about this stuff. Only 2 out of 10 have been in weddings before. I’m just disappointed and I am trying to resolve these issues before the day. I am trying to change my reaction and feelings and not trying to change them. 
    So im trying to get advice on what to do because I never thought in a million years I would need to hire someone to grab the guestbook and the cake topper, etc after the wedding. So I’m asking advice like who should I hire to do this stuff? Because this isn’t stuff I can cut out. I also don’t know how long to hire someone for. You think like an hour? To grab post wedding stuff. 
    Why can’t you grab the stuff? My H and I grabbed the extra stuff (presents, decor, serving utensils) from the reception took it up to our room, then went to our after party. 

    Do you have a DOC from the venue? If they’re still at the venue they can make sure everything is packed up (part of what you’re paying them for). If not, then depending on your venue you can ask if you can pay for an extra hour of staff time to clean up/box up things, or you can grab your items yourself. 

    Ive been BM many times and sure I’ve offered to help; usually I’ve helped put presents into cars/hotel rooms, or make sure things are cleaned up. But most times I haven’t had to do anything because they bride had everything taken care of. 
    short+sassyei34InLoveInQueens
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I have asked this question before but I thought if I reworded if then maybe I could get advice on logistics not advice about how I’m a bad friend. We came into town Saturday and my bridesmaid have been popping by the say hi, grab a drink, lunch today, dinner tomorrow. I’m not fighting with them. I just think they don’t know about this stuff. Only 2 out of 10 have been in weddings before. I’m just disappointed and I am trying to resolve these issues before the day. I am trying to change my reaction and feelings and not trying to change them. 
    So im trying to get advice on what to do because I never thought in a million years I would need to hire someone to grab the guestbook and the cake topper, etc after the wedding. So I’m asking advice like who should I hire to do this stuff? Because this isn’t stuff I can cut out. I also don’t know how long to hire someone for. You think like an hour? To grab post wedding stuff. 
    Why can’t you grab the stuff? My H and I grabbed the extra stuff (presents, decor, serving utensils) from the reception took it up to our room, then went to our after party. 

    Do you have a DOC from the venue? If they’re still at the venue they can make sure everything is packed up (part of what you’re paying them for). If not, then depending on your venue you can ask if you can pay for an extra hour of staff time to clean up/box up things, or you can grab your items yourself. 

    Ive been BM many times and sure I’ve offered to help; usually I’ve helped put presents into cars/hotel rooms, or make sure things are cleaned up. But most times I haven’t had to do anything because they bride had everything taken care of. 
    This. At the end of the night, H and I grabbed the gifts, the leftovers, the guest book (well, jersey) and whatever else there was. But if you can't or don't want to, definitely see if your venue can help like Charlotte said. 

    I'm sure that sometime this week, someone will ask you if there's anything they can do to help. If they ask, you're fine to see if they'd be willing to gather things up at the end of the night. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875short+sassyei34MairePoppy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    They aren’t required to do anything other than show up, on time, sober, in the correct attire the day of the wedding. That’s it. You and FI are completely capable of handling the planning, paying, and diy aspect of the wedding. If you need extra help, scale back diy stuff (it’s seriously not always cheaper) and hire a day of coordinator to help out at the wedding. 

    I’ve been a BM several times. Once for someone who expected me to act as an employee for their wedding and I can tell you it almost ended our friendship. I don’t do DIY because I suck at crafts and also I find them infinitely tedious and frustrating. I also have health issues, and being expected to set up decorations, climb ladders to hang lanterns, etc was not something I wanted to do. And at the end of the night I am exhausted because realistically I’ve been up since six or seven to shower and start the getting ready process for the event. 

    Your BMs are your nearest and dearest. Do not ask or tell them to plan, decorate, pay, etc. If they offer to help you with something, sure, go ahead and accept. But you need to roll back your expectations on what you think they are supposed to do. 


    image
    charlotte989875ei34
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m confused. I read articles with “todo list and jobs” for bridesmaids on the knot and then I look on the forum and brides are being told that bridesmaids are required to do nothing but show up. 
    So my question is, who can I ask for help? Or how do you manage to do everything your self? 
    Bridesmaids are not wedding planners, helpers, etc. If they offer to help, great! Take them up on it. 

    My H and I did everything ourselves. As far as getting certain items back to us, our wedding coordinator handled that. The venue had staffed that cleaned. My mom was kind enough to do a few rounds and collect items left behind, but she offered that day. 

    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • Okay is “brudesmaids” a dig, like they’re being rude? I personally love a play on words but they’re not doing anything rude.
    What’s your wedding venue like?  Is it a wedding catering hall?  If so it’ll (probably) come with a bridal attendant or DOC to do things like what you’re describing day-of.  If you’re getting married at a park, etc. you can hire a DOC or use TaskRabbit, getmagic.com etc to hire an errand person or just ask around in your community if there’s a HS or college kid looking to make some extra money.  
    Side story-
    I’ve been a BM and MOH a number of times and I have to say, I actually really enjoy the pre-wedding stuff- planning shower/Bach, dress fittings, assembling favors...any small detail/creative stuff. I didn’t expect it of my sisters when I got married and I don’t think it’s required just bc I like it. But pre-wedding stuff, yes.  However- day of wedding- pre-ceremony and reception (so basically everything but the ceremony), I’m my own person.  I’ll stand by your side at the ceremony and pose in pics but it’s a cold day in hell before I’m doing anything but eating, drinking, dancing, catching up with people, eating again, etc at the reception.  I’m a guest at that point and I’d be pissed if I was expected to work the reception. One friend at one wedding asked me to hand out the tip envelopes to the officiant, string trio, photographer etc and it was SO annoying.  I was too taken aback to decline but it honestly still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And the wedding was in 2009. 
    MobKazcharlotte989875thisismynickname2
  • As the mother of the bride, I did a ton of stuff before and after the wedding, including grabbing the gifts that people had brought to the wedding, making sure the venue had a place to store the platters and vases going back to the bakers and florist, putting the lawn games and guest book in my van, etc. It wasn't a hard job, but you shouldn't make your guests do this. If your parents aren't involved, you will need to do the end of reception stuff yourself, or ask your wedding coordinator to handle it. It took maybe half an hour to do this stuff, but I had the (well-tipped) venue staff helping me gather up the stuff.

    We still ended up forgetting a few items, but our venue was used to this and had a place to safely store stuff until we could get back to pick them up later in the week. Ask about this. It's important!

    I don't think there's anything wrong in friends doing this, but they have to offer. You really can't ask them.

    The one thing you absolutely should do yourself is to collect the cash/check envelopes. Those could wander off, and you wouldn't know it, and the givers would wonder why you hadn't send a thank you.
    charlotte989875
  • I also wanted to add that it might help you to think of "bridesmaid" as an honorary job. For example, when a famous person is awarded an honorary doctorate by a university, that person didn't really have to take classes and write a thesis; it's just a conferred title. Similarly, your bridesmaids can, if they choose, help out, but really, you are conferring the title of bridesmaid on them to honor your relationship. 
    short+sassycharlotte989875thisismynickname2sparklepants41
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    eileenrob said:
    Okay is “brudesmaids” a dig, like they’re being rude? I personally love a play on words but they’re not doing anything rude.
    What’s your wedding venue like?  Is it a wedding catering hall?  If so it’ll (probably) come with a bridal attendant or DOC to do things like what you’re describing day-of.  If you’re getting married at a park, etc. you can hire a DOC or use TaskRabbit, getmagic.com etc to hire an errand person or just ask around in your community if there’s a HS or college kid looking to make some extra money.  
    Side story-
    I’ve been a BM and MOH a number of times and I have to say, I actually really enjoy the pre-wedding stuff- planning shower/Bach, dress fittings, assembling favors...any small detail/creative stuff. I didn’t expect it of my sisters when I got married and I don’t think it’s required just bc I like it. But pre-wedding stuff, yes.  However- day of wedding- pre-ceremony and reception (so basically everything but the ceremony), I’m my own person.  I’ll stand by your side at the ceremony and pose in pics but it’s a cold day in hell before I’m doing anything but eating, drinking, dancing, catching up with people, eating again, etc at the reception.  I’m a guest at that point and I’d be pissed if I was expected to work the reception. One friend at one wedding asked me to hand out the tip envelopes to the officiant, string trio, photographer etc and it was SO annoying.  I was too taken aback to decline but it honestly still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And the wedding was in 2009. 
    LOL  That would be fairly funny, but considering the additional typo's/misspellings, I passed on giving her credit for cleverness.  I am afraid this is just another post with a case of "much todo about nothing". ;-)
    ei34levioosaShesSoCold
  • "How long do I need to hire someone to help with post event clean-up?"  That answer is this partially dependent upon your venue's contract and staffing requests - a lot depends on how much stuff you have!  Some venues will automatically do this for you as part of the service provided to the hall, in which case, please tip those staff generously.  If it's not something your hall/caterer provides, at least 2-3 hours or possibly more.  If your hall has it as an option, I'd take them up on it so all that you need to do is back your vehicle up and toss the stuff in (possibly the next morning).  Our venue, they let us come back the day after and do all of the clean-up ourselves which was great because "DUH - Big white dress!"..  

    Rule of thumb is, if they offer to help, go ahead and take them up on it, chances are if they see you grabbing centerpieces and putting them on one table at the end of the night, people will hopefully step up (it's called being human), if not, you release the detail and go about getting things cleaned up yourself.  


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