NWR: More Than One Celebration of Life?

kwiksilver · January 2019

My 8 month old daughter passed away on January 5. We decided on cremation, and because my husbands family all live on the other end of the country, we haven’t had any sort of memorial service or CoL. We want to wait until spring or summer because Alberta winters can be unpredictable and it will make travel easier.

H and I are just making arrangements to go out east for a week, next month, to see his family, and it occurred to me that we could just have a small gathering at a restaurant to celebrate our daughter’s life. Maybe with some photos and her urn and if anyone wanted to say a few words that would be fine.

I would still plan something for back home because the bulk of our friends and people who knew her are here. Many members of her care team and “medical family” have inquired about what we have planned, if anything.

Would it be terribly inappropriate to do both? I’m not very familiar with etiquette in this realm. I just wanted to save my husbands family from having to all travel a great distance to mourn her with us. They would still of course be welcome at the spring celebration, but his elderly grandparents probably won’t be up to the trip.

Feel free to offer options I am not seeing. My thought process is muddled by grief so I’m open to suggestions. You ladies never steer me wrong.

missJeanLouise · January 2019

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish light and peace during this time and for the future. (((Hugs)))

I see nothing wrong with your plans.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2019

I am so sorry for your loss kwiksilver. I hope you can navigate this time of mourning and grief with support from your family and community. I think your plans are fine. In fact, we did something similar when my mother passed. She was buried in the town where she grew up, but we had a memorial service at her church in the town where she had lived at the time of her death.

downtondiva · January 2019

I am so sorry for your loss, @kwiksilver.

I'm no expert on etiquette, but I think your plans are fine. In fact, I think they make a lot of sense. Having memorials/celebrations of live at home and where your H's family is will give people the chance to come together in love and support for you no matter where they live or whether they are able to travel.

Take care of yourself during this sad time. *hugs*

MobKaz · January 2019

@kwiksilver, I wish I had some words of wisdom or healing for you. I am so sorry to hear LO passed away. I can only remind you to lean on the support of family, friends, and perhaps even the parents and professionals you encountered along your way with LO. I pray she had many, many days home with you and your husband.
I think @downtondiva responded perfectly. Any and all opportunities people have to mourn and celebrate together should be taken.
You are all in my prayers.

Jen4948 · January 2019

@kwiksilver, my deepest condolences for your loss. I see no problem with your idea.

ei34 · January 2019

I’m terribly sorry to hear @kwiksilver. From what you posted hear it sounds like your daughter was showered in your love and care during her time here. I think this is one of those situations where it’s less an etiquette-approved answer and more what feels right and what you and your H can handle. That said your proposed plan sounds very nice.

maine7mob · January 2019

There is no etiquette for this. No one has a rule book on how to mourn one's own child. You do whatever seems right to you. I am so sorry for your terrible loss, and I hope that whatever you decide to do brings some kind of healing.

OurWildKingdom · January 2019

I am so very sorry for your loss @kwiksilver. I concur with everyone else.

levioosa · January 2019

I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I see nothing wrong with your plans.

kwiksilver · January 2019

Thank you, everyone, for the condolences and the feedback on our plans. Her death was unexpected so we are struggling to come to terms with what happened. However we have fantastic support, from family, friends, and professionals. Our marriage is also strong and steady, and we are leaning *into* each other as much as we can. We grieve differently (I’ve turned to writing/blogging and he is reading grief-recovery books) but it’s a path we are walking together.

climbingsingle · January 2019

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I think your plans are totally fine.

banana468 · January 2019

I think your plans are fine and I'm so sorry you're going through this. From what you posted previously she was surrounded by a loving family. I hope you and your DH and families heal.

short+sassy · January 2019

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your daughter. My heart goes out to you and your H ((hugs)).

I think your plans during the visit would be a kindness to your H's family. I'm glad you all will be seeing them next month. It will be a comfort for you and your H.

sparklepants41 · January 2019

Oh @kwiksilver I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your H hugs and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

MairePoppy · January 2019

I'm sorry for your loss kwiksilver. Sending thoughts and prayers for your family during this difficult time. Your plans are fine.

flantastic · January 2019

Oh @kwiksilver, I am so sorry for your loss. That plan would be perfectly fine, and is considerate of your family. Your family just wants a chance to grieve with you, and if your mind is there already there's no reason not to give people that explicit permission to speak about her. I know from experience that people will jump on the opportunity to have the subject opened by you so that they can check in or grieve with you, because they're just afraid sometimes to bring it up themselves.

They should also be willing to let you grieve on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. going forward. So it's not like there was going to be or was supposed to be just one celebration and opportunity for grief amongst others and that's what you get.

People love her, and you.

ei34 · January 2019

Thinking of you too @flantastic, I know it’s one year for you guys this month

banana468 · January 2019

flantastic said:

Oh @kwiksilver, I am so sorry for your loss. That plan would be perfectly fine, and is considerate of your family. Your family just wants a chance to grieve with you, and if your mind is there already there's no reason not to give people that explicit permission to speak about her. I know from experience that people will jump on the opportunity to have the subject opened by you so that they can check in or grieve with you, because they're just afraid sometimes to bring it up themselves.

They should also be willing to let you grieve on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. going forward. So it's not like there was going to be or was supposed to be just one celebration and opportunity for grief amongst others and that's what you get.

People love her, and you.

Thank you for that reminder.

charlotte989875 · January 2019

Thinking of you @kwiksilver and I’m so so sorry for your loss.

STARMOON44 · January 2019

I’m so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you and your family

MesmrEwe · January 2019

So sorry for your loss @kwiksilver !

A friend recently passed and they did a family only event and a friends/caregivers/family event/COL... If anything, I'd select the date(s) so people can plan their attendance

redwoodoriginal · February 2019

Oh @kwiksilver I’m so, so sorry for your and your family’s loss. I hope you guys went with your plan, it sounds lovely. Sending you guys hugs and love and strength.

(Im so sorry for the delayed response here- I haven’t been able to log in for weeks.

NWR: More Than One Celebration of Life?

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