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Wedding Woes

Save yourself and stop reading.

Dear Prudence,

I left my abusive ex some months ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m working through all of it in therapy. I’m not in contact with him, although he has tried to send messages, which I have ignored. Recently, I found out he’s been talking about me and about the breakup on a publicly accessible forum. On this forum, he switches seamlessly between talking about how much he misses me and continuing to degrade me (like he did in our relationship). I’ve seen him flat-out lying to these strangers, and I’ve also learned things that he lied about to me while we were together. It’s hard not to see all of this as more clues to solve the puzzle of what happened. Whether he seems remorseful one minute or says something incredibly hurtful the next, it feels like validating evidence. Do I need to stop looking? And if so, how? On top of that, I’m also wondering if you see anything morally wrong with reading what he writes. Is this an invasion of privacy on my part, even though the forum is publicly accessible?

—Should I Stop Reading?

Re: Save yourself and stop reading.

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Stop reading! There's also no invasion of privacy reading something he posted in an online forum. But again, she should stop. I have a similar story. 

    The guy I dated right before my H - I was with him for 5 years, and we lived together. He would get very drunk, and very belligerent. I ended the relationship for many reasons, but that was a big part. I continued to live in our shared house for 3 weeks, while I searched and found a new place. The week I was to move out, I had been sleeping at my brother's house, and when I came home in the morning to get ready for work, he had trashed all my stuff. AND he was shitfaced. He left the house, and I decided to move out that day. Only 3 days early. And this motherfucker went and told anyone that would listen that I ended the relationship by moving out, and not telling him. That he came home, and I was just gone. This lie reached a very large number of people I knew. He also posted very nasty things about me on an online forum, and yes, I did look it up. 

    charlotte989875ei34
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 14

    I'm glad the LW is in therapy.  Yes, she absolutely needs to stop reading what her ex writes online, if it is upsetting her and holding her back.  It especially doesn't matter since it sounds like it is only strangers he is complaining to.

    Not anything at this level, but I had someone I briefly dated who sent me a long e-mail when I broke things off.  It started off sad and regretful.  But then it started getting mean and angrier and angrier.  I understand the temptation!  It is a compulsion to read something someone wrote to you or wrote about you.  But I forced myself to stop reading it.  It was just upsetting me for nothing.

    She definitely does not need to feel guilty she read what he has written.  It's on a public forum.  He doesn't expect privacy.  In fact, depending on where he is writing, he might be primarily writing for her.  Knowing that she is probably going to read it.  It's the one way he can keep up the mind-f**kery, even after they've broken up.  Stop giving him that power. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Yeah there's nothing else to say here except stop reading and talk to your therapist to help resist the temptation.

    I get it. I spent months reading and getting all irate at comments on news articles about my cousins's murders. People who never even knew my cousin commenting about how no one cares about one druggie loser killing another druggie loser and that the only thing to be sad about was that his 7 year old niece was killed too, shit like that (he didn't even smoke pot, BTW). It was so upsetting to read but also really hard to stop. LW's gotta find something else to do with her time.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    STARMOON44ei34OliveOilsMom
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    First wishing you healing vibes @climbingwife, @ShesSoCold and @VarunaTT.  Wishing you all happiness in the future.
    If LW can’t stop from reading the forum they should go ahead, but try not to let it take over your life.  Be proud that you were able to leave your ex, what he’s writing and how he’s acting are proof.  It’s good they’re in therapy, I agree this is something to discuss.  

    Not an ex-boyfriend but I’ve had former friends as well as guys who were interested in me that I turned down outright lie about me to others.  The good news for LW is that most liars lie to lots of people, about all the things.  Others start to pick up on the lying habit, until the liar becomes an unreliable narrator.  You don’t know what they’re saying is true anymore so you just don’t believe any of it.
    short+sassyShesSoCold
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