NVM

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 · February 2019

...

maine7mob · February 2019

There are two issues here, your wedding and your loneliness. Of course, you and your fiance can just go to the courthouse and get married. You don't need a big fancy wedding to make it real.

But you do need friends. Everyone does. Are there any classes you can join? Yoga, sports, book club, cooking class, etc. It's easier to make friends if you have something in common from the very beginning.

Reading between the lines of your post, it sounds as if your past history with your family has made it difficult for you to trust people. It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you work through these issues so that when you do find someone but you'd like to be friends with, it will be easier.

LondonLisa · February 2019

I agree with @maine7mob. One doesn't need lots of friends, but it is natural to feel a tad lonely if your only mates are through your spouse.

I am not trying to sound mean when I say this, but I do have to say that you sound a bit embittered and angry about your situation. It is completely valid, especially if you come from a challenging home situation. But to describe everyone as angry or basic is pretty judgmental and mean. I know you are being facetious, but people can pick up on when someone doesn't like them. I am sure there are plenty of people you can be friends with in your city, but as soon as you write them off, or paint them all with the same brush, you might be making people throw walls up around you. Do you think when you are in that mentality it makes you an attractive friend? Don't be Belle and sing a daily mean song about how everyone in your town sucks except for you. It is hard to be vulnerable and put yourself out there, but really cultivate yourself into the person you want to be. Start doing hobbies that make you happy. Start doing self-care that helps you gain confidence. Start doing some therapy so you can let go of your anger. Start saying yes to events when people invite you, even if you aren't sure these people are exactly the friends you are looking for. You will make yourself a lot more attractive as a friend, and people that are like you will start to gravitate towards you. Of course you have to put yourself out there a bit, but people can sense judgement. And if you are going into situations with the attitude that everyone else is angry and basic, no one is going to invest in getting to know you. Do I think there are plenty of people who suck? Of course! I am not saying to be pollyanna. But when you start to be your own best friend, and cultivating yourself, you start to be in a better place emotionally and gain confidence. People are naturally attracted to that.

But as for your wedding, of course, do what works for you. Sick around, this is a great forum with plenty of really nice people who support each other. Start to introduce yourself, and let us know how this journey goes.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

I feel where you’re coming from, OP. I have a job that challenges my faith in humanity every day, so that alone makes it difficult to have the energy to make friends or keep up with the ones I have. But you owe it to yourself (and your FI) to make some more social connections.

What interests you? Meetup has been amazing for me. I belong to several groups, and last year I organized my own.

Do you have causes you’re passionate about? Volunteering helps me meet cool people and put my own issues into perspective.

I also agree with @maine7mob and @LondonLisa that you might benefit from therapy. It’s not for everyone, but it’s helped me process a lot of issues in my life.

Nothing can change the past, but you can make a better future for yourself.

ETA: Don’t be so quick to dismiss people as “basic” or whatever. Some of the people I like best had to grow on me. I initially dismissed them but decided to give them a fair chance.

levioosa · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

I'm 26 and just got engaged last years (2018) in September.
I've spent so much of my time making a career and also coming from a family that didn't support me growing up.
My only friend has been my fiancée who I have known for 7 years now. I try not to let the loneliness get to me but from time to time it does. It sort of stings now more than ever since weddings are such a social event. I've tried to make friends since I got engaged but the city I've lived in my whole life (San Diego) has angry people everywhere and personally the type of people that move here are very basic. (Sorry if I offended anyone.)

I thought I'd be able to count on my family for support but my mom doesn't seem to show much interest and I don't talk to my dad at all. My sisters are pretty much strangers to me and we’ve never gotten along like “friends.” I don’t have any "girl-friends" nor buddies and the girls attending my wedding are the girlfriends of my fiance’s buddies, I don't really talk to those girls at all, it just lately got a little more chit chatty but only since we invited them to our wedding, not even his family seemed that excited or interested, not to mention that apparently you get treated bad at bridal shops and expos if you don't have a huge wedding party with you. The only thing that's kept my sanity is support from all the other brides going through similar situations and the fact that my fiance and I have been talking elope since our xmas visit with his family and saw no care from them.
We love each other so much and all of this is sort of outshining the whole reason why we're getting married.

It would be cool if there was a convention of brides going through the same situations so we can all become friends, haha.
Thank you in advance for your responses!

Maybe try having a more open mind about people rather than bashing them as “basic.” Seriously? You might have more friends if you were willing to try hobbies or mutual interests rather than writing an entire city/area off as “basic.”

Jen4948 · February 2019

When I began reading your post, OP, I was sympathetic because I've dealt with many of the same issues for years and am still dealing with them. I have parents who are not truly sympathetic with me and two siblings with whom I am not on speaking terms.

Years ago I moved from Houston to New York in the hope of changing my life for the better, especially my social life, because I had a hard time making friends in Houston. I succeeded by joining interest groups and volunteering. But I had to move back to Houston a few years ago, and it's been tough. It hasn't helped that the problems with my family are still going on. I've been trying to find friends here by volunteering and joining local interest groups.

That said, I agree that it is not helpful to dismiss an entire metropolitan area as "basic." That's obnoxiously judgmental. If you hope to improve your life, being more open-minded about other people and not attaching dismissive labels to large groups of people you don't even know would be a good start. Therapy would be another good step.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

So, per the Google, San Diego had 1.42 million people in 2017. All of these people, plus everyone in your family and everyone at every bridal shop and expo aren't living up to your expectations or aren't good enough for you. 1.42 million people. And you don't seem to see that you are the common denominator here?

As far as the wedding goes, have whatever wedding YOU want. Assuming you and your fiance are the ones paying for this and the ones getting married, it should be your opinions. Don't have a big to-do wedding because all of these awful people want you to. Have the wedding you want. What kind of wedding do you and your fiance actually want?

climbingsingle · February 2019

It sounds like eloping is probably the best choice for your and your FI.

Also, no one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you are. What kind of support were you expecting from your families?

I'm not sure how you can write off every person that lives in your city. That seems quite extreme. Every person that lives there is basic? Or angry? What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? Why not try meeting people through something like that?

MyNameIsNot · February 2019

At first I felt sorry for you, but your judgmental attitude makes me see why you have problems making friends. Honestly, if you are routinely unable to get along with people at shops who are literally getting paid to kiss your ass, it leaves little question why you have problems.

It's great that your FI is your BFF, but it's neither fun nor healthy to go through a life with literally 0 other positive relationships. It puts too much pressure on your marriage, and eventually relying on your spouse to be your everything will erode that relationship. Like PPs, I think counselling is a good idea. It sounds like you're judging people and pushing them away before you have a chance to connect with anyone.

short+sassy · February 2019

I do pickup that parts of the country can have different, general vibes. But people are always more alike than they're different. PPs have given great suggestions for getting yourself out there and expanding your social network. Though, keep in mind, it takes time to build great friendships.

I grew up slightly north of you in Orange County and went to college in northern San Diego County. FWIW, there are a number of descriptors (good and bad) that I might use to describe the general culture/vibe of So. CA, but angry isn't one of them. If anything, I see it as the opposite and was surprised to see that in your post. I don't want to discount your feelings because I know different life experiences can lead to different perceptions. But, as someone who grew up in the same area, I do think there is at least some "viewing the world with dark-colored glasses" going on here.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

...

And a DD. Add all of us to the literal millions of people who aren't good enough for OP.

Yet, she's not the problem.

climbingsingle · February 2019

And instead of taking any of our advice, you just ignore it all and delete your post. Yup, this tracks.

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 · February 2019

all I wanted was an advice, not judgement. Please don't even bother on replying to me.

flantastic · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

all I wanted was an advice, not judgement. Please don't even bother on replying to me.

You got advice. You just didn't like it.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

all I wanted was an advice, not judgement. Please don't even bother on replying to me.

Funny how it works - you point a finger at someone else and three point back at you.

MyNameIsNot · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

all I wanted was an advice, not judgement. Please don't even bother on replying to me.

Gee, I wonder if this is how every individual you ever interact with feels? I was just being friendly, but she called me basic.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

knottie5864f5e7e321e5c6 said:

all I wanted was an advice, not judgement. Please don't even bother on replying to me.

I wonder what she actually wanted here. Does she expect us to correct the unfavorable personalities of everyone she encounters? Or justify her sweeping generalizations? "Ya! San Diego sucks! Rabble rabble!"

But yeah, Flan, you nailed it. OP got a lot of advice. But rather than swallowing a difficult pill, she chose to blame us, shove her head back in the sand and decide that when it's 1.42 million vs. one, the one is somehow correct. IDK how we can fix that shit.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edited because my little shrug guy was split up on two lines.

NVM

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