Asking a Maid of Honor to step down

Re: Asking a Maid of Honor to step down

• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 2019

  knottiee3668e7ca27504eb said:

  Look I know that there is hardly ever a good reason to ask a MoH to stand down but I'm in a bind y'all. My bridesmaids are all surprised I haven't come to this conclusion sooner. So let me set the scene. 
  
  I got engaged in November. I knew immediately who I wanted my MoH to be, we've been friends since she was 3 and I was 4. It made sense since I didn't have any siblings. We have been really close since then. But now... I don't believe that to be the case. 
  
  She started dating this guy in October, and I didn't know he even existed until she happened to add a picture of them together in a Snapchat story. I asked her about it and she said, oh that's my boyfriend. Nonchalantly like it was no big deal. 
  
  She started planning her wedding (sayigs yes to the dress, putting money down on venues, etc) before she was even engaged. She at first told me she didn't want bridesmaids which I was totally on board with. Then she changed her mind, asked me to be a bridesmaid, and in the very next message told me she was only doing bridesmaids for the pictures. 
  
  I live in a different state than, and had flown in to visit with some family and one of my other bridesmaids who also lives in a different state than my MoH hapened to be in the same state too. I thought it would be a great opportunity for my bridesmaids that lived in that state to meet my out of state bridesmaid over coffee. I arranged it. And MoH blew me off to be with her boyfriend. It was super informal, she could have dropped by, with or without him, said hi bye and none would be more the merrier.
  
  She said in our group text that she would "be MIA" because she's planning her own wedding (that is happening in June). I was grateful because one of my other bridesmaids stepped up and mentioned she too was planning her own wedding but she wasn't going to be MIA. 
  
  She's done so much I'm forgetting things. So much y'all. The last and final thing she did was get engaged and didn't even text me about it. I found out through one of my bridesmaids and confirmed it on Facebook. Worst still, she posted a Snapchat story about it, and didn't even send it to me directly. 
  
  Honestly, at this point, I don't think to her I am a friend. I don't want to be her friend even if my lrior statement was false. Am I unjustified is axing her as my MoH? How do I even broach the subject? "Oh hey your no longer my MoH or my friend. K thanks bye."
  
  HELP. 

  If you never want to be friends with this woman then kick her out because that’s pretty much a friendship ending move. And it sounds like you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. 
  
  However, if you do want to have a friendship with her then “axing” her isn’t going to let that happen. It does sound like she’s been around much in the last few months and that can really hurt. But are you ready to throw your whole friendship away because for 4 months she’s been self-centered? If so call her and say you’re sorry but the friendship is over. Reimburse her for anything she’s spent on your wedding, and be done. But don’t kick her out and hope that she comes around because it’s a big thing to kick someone out of a wedding party. 
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  March 2019

  There's no such thing as "asking her to step down". You want to kick her out. Stop dancing around it and trying to sound like it's something nice.
  
  Kicking her out of your wedding is the nuclear option, and a friendship ending move. While her behavior is flaky and flighty at times, nothing you've listed even begins to rise to the level of ending a lifelong friendship. Not that you're totally blameless either. Nonetheless, it sounds like you've already decided not be friends with her. 
  
  Pick up the phone, call her and tell her that your friendship has run its course. Her involvement in your wedding will end as a result. Of course, it should go without saying that you need to reimburse her for anything she's spent and that you don't replace her. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2019

  I think the only thing you should truly be mad about is that she didn't tell she was engaged. The other stuff is petty. She doesn't have to come and meet your out of state bridesmaid. 
  
  As PPs have said, kicking her out in a friendship ending move. If you're ready to the end the friendship, then kick her out. 
  

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2019

  As PPs said this isn't a job and there's no reason to try to treat it like you're "asking for her resignation".   You want to kick her out.   
  
  Ask yourself if you've been friends with this person for what - nearly a 1/4 of a century is this a friendship that's run its course or is there something deeper here?  Rather than move to that nuclear option, what about addressing the friendship?  Do you want to?  Leave your wedding out of this - what would you do with her if you WEREN'T getting married?? 

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• maine7mob member

  

  March 2019

  This isn't about your wedding party. It's about your friendship. Before you kick her out, think about whether you value this girl's friendship enough to try to save it. If so, reach out to her and tell her that you feel that there has been a distance between you. Ask if there's something you've done to hurt or offend her. If she seems like she still wants to continue the relationship, then you can ask if she still wants to be your MOH. She may not and she may be grateful for a reason to bow out herself.
  
  But if you find that she really doesn't value your relationship anymore, you can suggest that she withdraw as MOH. 

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• downtondiva member

  

  March 2019

  knottiee3668e7ca27504eb said:

  Look I know that there is hardly ever a good reason to ask a MoH to stand down but I'm in a bind y'all. My bridesmaids are all surprised I haven't come to this conclusion sooner. So let me set the scene. 
  
  I got engaged in November. I knew immediately who I wanted my MoH to be, we've been friends since she was 3 and I was 4. It made sense since I didn't have any siblings. We have been really close since then. But now... I don't believe that to be the case. 
  
  She started dating this guy in October, and I didn't know he even existed until she happened to add a picture of them together in a Snapchat story. I asked her about it and she said, oh that's my boyfriend. Nonchalantly like it was no big deal. 
  
  She started planning her wedding (sayigs yes to the dress, putting money down on venues, etc) before she was even engaged. She at first told me she didn't want bridesmaids which I was totally on board with. Then she changed her mind, asked me to be a bridesmaid, and in the very next message told me she was only doing bridesmaids for the pictures. 
  
  I live in a different state than, and had flown in to visit with some family and one of my other bridesmaids who also lives in a different state than my MoH hapened to be in the same state too. I thought it would be a great opportunity for my bridesmaids that lived in that state to meet my out of state bridesmaid over coffee. I arranged it. And MoH blew me off to be with her boyfriend. It was super informal, she could have dropped by, with or without him, said hi bye and none would be more the merrier.
  
  She said in our group text that she would "be MIA" because she's planning her own wedding (that is happening in June). I was grateful because one of my other bridesmaids stepped up and mentioned she too was planning her own wedding but she wasn't going to be MIA. 
  
  She's done so much I'm forgetting things. So much y'all. The last and final thing she did was get engaged and didn't even text me about it. I found out through one of my bridesmaids and confirmed it on Facebook. Worst still, she posted a Snapchat story about it, and didn't even send it to me directly. 
  
  Honestly, at this point, I don't think to her I am a friend. I don't want to be her friend even if my lrior statement was false. Am I unjustified is axing her as my MoH? How do I even broach the subject? "Oh hey your no longer my MoH or my friend. K thanks bye."
  
  HELP. 
  
  ----------STUCK IN THE BOX---------------------
  
  Before I get to the rest of your post, I do just have to say to the bolded: your bridesmaids are not required to help you plan your wedding, and their lives go on while you're engaged. Your friend didn't do anything wrong by telling you she was going to be busy planning her own wedding, and she wouldn't be doing anything wrong by not being involved with planning/helping out with yours.
  
  Anyway, I get why you feel frustrated with your friend right now. But I also agree with PP's that you should talk to her about your concerns about your friendship before you kick her out of your wedding party (call it what you want but that's what you'd be doing). You've been best friends with her for a VERY long time, and while even long friendships can fade out after a while, I think you need to consider whether you're really ready to let that happen. If you are fed up enough to say yes, then go ahead and tell her you don't want her to be MOH anymore. But keep in mind that you're then telling her that you don't want her in your life anymore. There's pretty much no going back from that.

  
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2019

  I agree with the other PPs.  This shouldn't be about your wedding and wedding party.  This should be about the friendship.
  
  I do understand why you're hurt.  She had major events happening in her life that she didn't tell you about.  You were back home visiting and she was too busy to even have coffee with you.
  
  Unfortunately, distance and time can sometimes ebb away at a friendship.  Is it possible she doesn't feel as close to you anymore?  For example, do you all regularly communicate or has it become more of a "once in awhile" thing? 
  
  Have you talked to her about the distance you now feel in the friendship?  I would at least want to try and mend the friendship before ending it.
  
  However, if you are at a place where you don't want to be friends with her anymore, then I would just tell her that and not in anger.  Kicking her out of the WP is a friendship-ending move, but is more doing it in a punishing and passive-aggressive way.  You both deserve better than that.
  
  As an example, I moved 1500 miles away from where I grew up.  I have a longtime (25+ years), really good friend out there.  I was a BM in her first wedding.  She divorced.  We catch up every couple months or so, but don't talk regularly.  She casually told me about a new guy she was dating and was excited about in Sept. of that year.  I got a wedding invitation in the mail the following Jan.  Had no idea they were even that serious, much less engaged!  I was hurt by that.  But chalked it up to a lesson in how distant we had unfortunately become.  I didn't say anything to her, but did make an effort to keep in touch more regularly.  
  

  

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