Dear Prudence,
When I met my husband 10 years ago, he was adventurous and lighthearted, and he had hobbies and friends. There were red flags, such as his drinking and lack of employment, but I was young and had just come out of a terrible relationship, so I ignored them. In the 10 years since, he has become morose, depressed, consistently unemployed, with no friends and no hobbies and no interests at all. He is the most miserable person I’ve ever known and is constantly angry at everything and everyone. He refuses to do anything to help himself, either to be more employable, learn new skills, get therapy, or do anything outside of the house except go to the bar (several times a month—it’s the only time we go out). He refuses to see how his own patterns of behavior have contributed to his problems. His answer to everything is a “fresh start,” which means me upending my career and him starting over again in a new place. But he blames his difficulty finding a job on all of the times we’ve moved! And he blames my career for the fact that we’ve moved so much! I’ve sacrificed pretty much everything to try to make him happy. I’m stuck in a midlevel managerial position because I’ve turned down every opportunity that would have raised me higher, because all of them would have required time away from home. He says I’m “never home,” but every minute I’m not at work, I’m with him, and I already leave work early most days so he’s alone less. I still love him, but I don’t like him much anymore, I don’t enjoy being around him, and thinking of my life being like this for years to come makes me incredibly depressed. But I feel like I can’t leave because he literally has no one else. He says that if it weren’t for me, he’d “already be dead,” which is not flattering—it’s horrifying. He refuses to consider couples’ counseling. The only way I get through each day is telling myself, “It’s NOT my problem,” almost a mantra, when he goes on another of his rants about how my career has ruined his life, how his family has ruined his life, how life has ruined his life. He says that he’s depressed and that he needs help, but the only help he wants is for someone to give him the perfect job that he thinks will magically make everything OK. His last job, which actually was a great job, he quit after a month. I don’t know what to do. How do I leave knowing that he very well might end up killing himself, or so he says?
—Mrs. Miserable