this is the code for the render ad
Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

You owe no one your time, money, or talent for their wedding

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have a close friend who has a wedding coming up. She and her fiancé are both from the city we all live in, but they have chosen to get married on a holiday weekend in a location across the country that will be difficult and expensive to get to. I initially agreed to go (though I never formally RSVP’d), even though I strongly did not want to. Then I got a group email from my friend saying that she had booked a house for her guests that would cost each person $700-plus for the weekend! I never agreed to this arrangement. On top of that, the email specifically said I would be sleeping on a pullout couch (as the only singleton of the group) and volunteered me to make breakfast and lunch for the group of about 20 people for the weekend, since I’m a “good cook.” She had never discussed this with me. I think I’m more than justified in not attending, given the high cost and likelihood I will not enjoy myself and instead will feel resentful.

I’m happy to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party (both of which are in the city we both live in) and buy the couple a wedding present, but I have decided not to attend the wedding. The wedding is about two months away. My question is: Do I tell her the truth about why I’m not going to the wedding? Or do I make up a work or family obligation that has suddenly come up? I know lying is never (or at least rarely) a good idea, but I know it will make her upset to hear my true reasoning for why I don’t want to go. There isn’t a way for me to not provide a reason as to why I’m not going, since we see each other in person frequently, and when I say I’m not coming, she’ll want to know why. Do I upset my friend, or do I lie?

—Nice Day for a White Lie

Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: You owe no one your time, money, or talent for their wedding

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    "Hey friend.  I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but I am not going to be able to make it to the wedding.  After looking at flights, I can't afford to fly out and to pay $700 for the house.  I also don't know if I can commit to being the weekend chef for everyone, as the idea is already giving me a lot of anxiety.  I would love to attend the pre-wedding celebrations, though!"

    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ShesSoCold said:
    If this friend is that close, I'd talk to her honestly.

    "Look, this sucks and I hate to tell you this, but I won't be coming to your wedding. The cost of going out there was already going to be really high, but I have to admit that it really rubbed me the wrong way that you assumed I'd be willing to stay in this house with everyone else, pay for it, sleep on a pull out couch AND cook a literal hundred meals. I'm sorry but I just can't make that happen."

    Something like that. People need to know when they're being assholes. Maybe they'll be understanding and "Holy shit I am so sorry, I thought you'd enjoy cooking but I never should have assumed" or maybe they won't. Either way, they won't know they did a shitty thing unless you tell them.
    I do love that.   I'd probably save it for after the wedding just because I'd try to give friend the benefit of the doubt and less stress.   But I agree - people need to know when they're being jerks.
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    I hate Prudie's response, because they shame LW for initially agreeing even though they didn't want to/had doubts about it all.  

    Dude once you start trying to spend my money, anything previously agreed to is 'moo' regardless of my initial feelings (that I didn't say out loud in the first place).   And the assumption that LW would be OK with a sofa bed AND cooking for people, is just icing on the shit cake her friend is trying to get her to eat.  

    I think LW should use SSC's script, because her friend needs to know she crossed the asshole line regarding her wedding and what she assumed that LW would be down for.  
    That is BS!!!  She has never accepted the official invitation, it was too early for that.  When given a StD...whether verbal or written...she said she'd go.  Now that she has seen the full "cost" and hassle of attending, she can no longer go.

    In a perfect world, she should have shut her friend down when it was first mentioned she was expected to pay $700 to sleep on a couch and prepare breakfasts and lunches for 20 people.  I would have immediately said something like, "Oh, yikes, no!  I'm sorry friend, but I can't do that.  I can rent a hotel room, with a bed and privacy, for substantially less than that.  Plus I'm taking vacation days.  I want to sleep in and relax.  Preparing two meals a day for a large group of people is way too much.  I'm sure they're capable of scrambling their own eggs and throwing together sandwiches, just fine."

    Though it still isn't too late.  However, I find it sad she'd rather just not go at all then tell her friend, "Sorry, the more I think about it, the more I'm not comfortable sleeping on a couch and paying $700 for it.  I'll be getting my own hotel room."  And if her friend gets mad, so what?  How much of a friend can she be?  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd want to post to Prudie that I hope he's a good cook.   A space at a wedding across the country just opened up and for the cost of round trip airfare and $700 he TOO can cater to whims and meals. 
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    short+sassy said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    I hate Prudie's response, because they shame LW for initially agreeing even though they didn't want to/had doubts about it all.  

    Dude once you start trying to spend my money, anything previously agreed to is 'moo' regardless of my initial feelings (that I didn't say out loud in the first place).   And the assumption that LW would be OK with a sofa bed AND cooking for people, is just icing on the shit cake her friend is trying to get her to eat.  

    I think LW should use SSC's script, because her friend needs to know she crossed the asshole line regarding her wedding and what she assumed that LW would be down for.  
    That is BS!!!  She has never accepted the official invitation, it was too early for that.  When given a StD...whether verbal or written...she said she'd go.  Now that she has seen the full "cost" and hassle of attending, she can no longer go.

    In a perfect world, she should have shut her friend down when it was first mentioned she was expected to pay $700 to sleep on a couch and prepare breakfasts and lunches for 20 people.  I would have immediately said something like, "Oh, yikes, no!  I'm sorry friend, but I can't do that.  I can rent a hotel room, with a bed and privacy, for substantially less than that.  Plus I'm taking vacation days.  I want to sleep in and relax.  Preparing two meals a day for a large group of people is way too much.  I'm sure they're capable of scrambling their own eggs and throwing together sandwiches, just fine."

    Though it still isn't too late.  However, I find it sad she'd rather just not go at all then tell her friend, "Sorry, the more I think about it, the more I'm not comfortable sleeping on a couch and paying $700 for it.  I'll be getting my own hotel room."  And if her friend gets mad, so what?  How much of a friend can she be?  
    Right.  LW didn't help themselves by being wishy-washy, but I understand why they tacitly agreed to going. 

    But once the 'plan' was revealed, along with the expense, LW is well within their 'right' to rescind their presence.  Invitations aren't summons, 'no' isn't a dirty word, your friends don't pay your bills, and not going to a friend's wedding doesn't mean anything about your friendship.  We've turned down FAMILY destination weddings because of the time, expense, and scheduling conflicts.  It has zero impact on my relationship with those family members. 
    Report Reply
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I’m the type to white lie.  What?  I am?  Or maybe just say I looked at my bank account and cant afford it anymore and since I didn’t rsvp yet I’m still in the clear.   

    and yeah I wouldnt go for sure!

    Report Reply
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah I doubt LW knew when they said they would attend that they would be expected to sleep on a $700 pull out sofa and cater for everyone.  The couple changed the rules, so LW can change their acceptance.

    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I honestly can't imagine doing what bride did to a friend, so I almost wonder if LW isn't downplaying her "RSVP" situation here.  

    But no matter what, LW can't afford this, so she just needs to back out ASAP and let bride know, "I'm sorry, I can't attend as planned."  She doesn't need to offer up any reason in my mind, b/c 1. LW is presumably an adult and 2. It's no one's business.  Email is particularly nice for this instance.  "I'm sorry, I can't attend.  I'm excited for the bridal shower and bachelorette party though!  I hope everyone has a lovely time and I look forward to seeing the pictures of the newlyweds opening my gift." 

    The rest of it doesn't really matter.  It sucks and LW can decide if she wants to stay friends with bride or not, but once LW has removed themselves from the situation, there shouldn't be anything else left to deal with at that point.
    �
    Report Reply
  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeah no.  This would rub me the wrong way too, so I’m with you LW.  If I were LW and I wanted to attend, I’d go along with whatever my original plan was before I’d received the bride’s email.  Maybe booking a hotel room for myself?  There’s no way I’d pay $700 to share a house with 20 people, for any occasion, even if I had the master bedroom.

    But LW says “initially I agreed to go even though I strongly didn’t want to”.  So don’t go...you didn’t want to anyway and the ridiculous email is rightful salt in the wound.  If the bride pressed for a reason I’d say being assigned the couch and role of chef annoyed me.  
    Honestly though, none of the twenty guests are being forced to pay $700 to stay together in a house.  If they go along with it that’s on them.
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    eileenrob said:
    Yeah no.  This would rub me the wrong way too, so I’m with you LW.  If I were LW and I wanted to attend, I’d go along with whatever my original plan was before I’d received the bride’s email.  Maybe booking a hotel room for myself?  There’s no way I’d pay $700 to share a house with 20 people, for any occasion, even if I had the master bedroom.

    But LW says “initially I agreed to go even though I strongly didn’t want to”.  So don’t go...you didn’t want to anyway and the ridiculous email is rightful salt in the wound.  If the bride pressed for a reason I’d say being assigned the couch and role of chef annoyed me.  
    Honestly though, none of the twenty guests are being forced to pay $700 to stay together in a house.  If they go along with it that’s on them.
    The LW doesn't say how many nights this includes, other than it's a weekend.  Let's even say it's a long weekend.  20 people * $700=$14K.  For 4 nights, that's $3500/night.  For 3 nights that's $4,667/night.

    I mean, I get that renting a large house is going to be quite spendy.  Maybe it's that much, but seems really high.  And maybe that also includes drinks and all the food the LW was voluntold to cook.  Buuuuttt, there might be something fishy going on.  I can't help but wonder if this house is the same place the couple is getting married at and their guests are subsidizing some of that cost ;). 

    Or maybe the LW is paying the "singles" rate and "couples" are only paying $700 total, not each?  Which would be more sh***iness for the LW.  That would bring the cost of the house down to $7K, which is probably more in line for the rental of a house that I'm guessing has 10 bedrooms.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah, the rental rate seems quite steep.  That shit would have to be oceanfront and even then, I'm not sure I'd shell out $700 for 3 nights and especially not on a sofa bed (which means I don't even have my own private space).  I'd definitely want to see the math. 

    Also, does that mean that it's $700 per PERSON for the weekend.  So couples are shelling out $1400 for less than a week?  The numbers are totally hinky IMO.  
    Report Reply
  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thanks, but I can find my own hotel or AirBnB with a real bed and no obligation to cook for your friends.
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I just rented an AirBnB for 33 days and we're paying less than $700 per person. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Something like this happened to me a few years ago. Bride voluntold us we’d be paying $140 pp for a night in the cabin before the wedding. I had a place to stay for free. When I told her I’d join them in the morning she lost her shit and told me I was ruining her “bridal experience.” I ended up staying to try and salvage what was left of the friendship but it’s never recovered and as an older and wiser adult I’d have stuck to my guns. BFF and I ended up getting stuck on a broken pull out couch. It sucked. 


    image
    Report Reply
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    Something like this happened to me a few years ago. Bride voluntold us we’d be paying $140 pp for a night in the cabin before the wedding. I had a place to stay for free. When I told her I’d join them in the morning she lost her shit and told me I was ruining her “bridal experience.” I ended up staying to try and salvage what was left of the friendship but it’s never recovered and as an older and wiser adult I’d have stuck to my guns. BFF and I ended up getting stuck on a broken pull out couch. It sucked. 
    New favorite word.

    Report Reply
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    drunkenwitch said:
    Bride expects the LW to pay $700 to sleep on a fucking pull out couch? Oh HELL NO!  For $700 I want a Jacuzzi, complimentary cocktails, and Benedict Cumberbatch giving me foot rubs.  
    AND COOK!  BECAUSE SHE'S GOOD AT IT!

    MIL learned that shit REALLY quickly.   That  I like to cook.   I'm decent enough at it.   I won't be voluntold to do it and I certainly won't pay for that "privilege".  

    Prudie's high off his ass and his continued bad advice proves he doesn't understand how events or social contracts work.

    Sorrynotsorry dude.   Others don't pay you back when you spend money without their consent.

    Also, a verbal "Hey I'd love to be there!"  before you look into flights is COMMON.   It happened to BIL 10 years ago.   So many cousins thought they'd make the trip.   Then they realized what it mean to fly or drive and many had kids.   They bailed and sent gifts instead.   Now that BIL is a father himself I think he gets it. 


    Right! I forgot! She gets to pay out the nose for "privilege" of sleeping on a shitty couch and she gets to provide free catering to 20 guests!  What's her problem? 

    Report Reply
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2019
    downtondiva said:
    drunkenwitch said:
    Bride expects the LW to pay $700 to sleep on a fucking pull out couch? Oh HELL NO!  For $700 I want a Jacuzzi, complimentary cocktails, and Benedict Cumberbatch giving me foot rubs.  
    If you ever find this magical place to stay please let me know! 
    This!  SNS...  For $700 I expect a private room with a hastens bed...  Not to pay $700 for frat party sleeping arrangements and be head chef for 20 all of the days of the trip...  
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:

    Also, a verbal "Hey I'd love to be there!"  before you look into flights is COMMON.   It happened to BIL 10 years ago.   So many cousins thought they'd make the trip.   Then they realized what it mean to fly or drive and many had kids.   They bailed and sent gifts instead.   Now that BIL is a father himself I think he gets it. 
    Yep!  I also did that :(.  One of my cousins was getting married and I got a verbal StD.  I think it was 6-8 months out.  I was very excited to go and said I would be there...until I looked up flights, hotel room, and rental car.  Yikes.  Nopety-nope-nope-nope.

    But, fortunately, I looked it up fairly quickly after being told about the wedding and let them know only a couple weeks later that I'd looked into the expenses and wouldn't be able to swing it. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We also heavily debated this 13 years ago when one of DH's best friends got married in South America.   We looked at the cost for both of us, the time we'd take to get there and then DH realized that in addition to all of that his government employer may have had an issue with his security clearance if he went there.   Ultimately we felt bad and I wish we could have been there but it just wasn't the right time. 

    In all of those time we noped out, it was just a standard invitation.

    In this situation, not only was it cost prohibitive from the start but the bride in this situation is heaping on expenses to her guests without their consent.  

    Someone needs to set Prudie straight here that this was a shit move on the bride's part and not one guest should feel guilty about saying NOPE. 
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2019
    banana468 said:
    We also heavily debated this 13 years ago when one of DH's best friends got married in South America.   We looked at the cost for both of us, the time we'd take to get there and then DH realized that in addition to all of that his government employer may have had an issue with his security clearance if he went there.   Ultimately we felt bad and I wish we could have been there but it just wasn't the right time. 

    In all of those time we noped out, it was just a standard invitation.

    In this situation, not only was it cost prohibitive from the start but the bride in this situation is heaping on expenses to her guests without their consent.  

    Someone needs to set Prudie straight here that this was a shit move on the bride's part and not one guest should feel guilty about saying NOPE. 
    I had to get a secret clearance years ago, when I was working for a defense contractor.  The job was after I'd moved to Louisiana, but I needed to list every time I'd left the country for the past 10 years (maybe it was 7).  It included when I was in college and 60ish miles from the Mexican border.

    Uh, I'd been to Mexico many times in that timeframe, lol.  My friends and I sometimes went down for an afternoon of shopping and margaritas.  Or out to the clubs on a Fri./Sat. night because the drinking age was only 18.  I couldn't possibly tell them all those dates because I didn't know them myself.  Though there were four dates I knew for sure because they were related to specific events.

    I went to my boss with my dilemma.  The conversation went like this:

    Him:  "Have you been to North Korea or Cuba?"

    Me: "No."

    Him:  "Have you been to China?"

    Me: "No."

    Him:  "Great, then just put the dates you know for Mexico and don't worry about it."  Lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    banana468 said:
    We also heavily debated this 13 years ago when one of DH's best friends got married in South America.   We looked at the cost for both of us, the time we'd take to get there and then DH realized that in addition to all of that his government employer may have had an issue with his security clearance if he went there.   Ultimately we felt bad and I wish we could have been there but it just wasn't the right time. 

    In all of those time we noped out, it was just a standard invitation.

    In this situation, not only was it cost prohibitive from the start but the bride in this situation is heaping on expenses to her guests without their consent.  

    Someone needs to set Prudie straight here that this was a shit move on the bride's part and not one guest should feel guilty about saying NOPE. 
    I had to get a secret clearance years ago, when I was working for a defense contractor.  The job was after I'd moved to Louisiana, but I needed to list every time I'd left the country for the past 10 years (maybe it was 7).  It included when I was in college and 60ish miles from the Mexican border.

    Uh, I'd been to Mexico many times in that timeframe, lol.  My friends and I sometimes went down for an afternoon of shopping and margaritas.  Or out to the clubs on a Fri./Sat. night because the drinking age was only 18.  I couldn't possibly tell them all those dates because I didn't know them myself.  Though there were four dates I knew for sure because they were related to specific events.

    I went to my boss with my dilemma.  The conversation went like this:

    Him:  "Have you been to North Korea or Cuba?"

    Me: "No."

    Him:  "Have you been to China?"

    Me: "No."

    Him:  "Great, then just put the dates you know for Mexico and don't worry about it."  Lol.
    Yeah - this was Columbia.   And DH's Secret clearance may not have cared.   But a mutual friend with Top Secret  (at the time he couldn't tell you where his physical office was and he didn't have a window in his office space) thought that he was simply going to be turned down if he applied anyway.    

    Report Reply
  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    So the total cost per guest is $700.  And there are 20 guests. I would love to know where this bride gets off renting a house for $14K per weekend! And why doesn't it come with Benedict Cumberbatch? Or at least a live-in chef? Something's fishy about this whole set-up.
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards