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Friend is eloping AND registered, what to do about a gift?

A close friend of mine and her fiance decided to elope. She's part of a pretty close knit group of friends from high school and they are throwing her a bridal shower. I am very involved the bridal shower and spending about $250 on decor, accessories and running the games/ gifts. 

The couple is registered, and I don't know if I should buy her a gift as well. I do think it's a little taboo to register when you're eloping, but since there's a bridal shower I figured she was looking for gifts from the party.

 Normally, I'd just spend the money and do the thing that over compensates into what is nice... but I'm 8 months pregnant. This friend didn't come to my baby shower, due to distance, but didn't give me a gift either (understandable). And honestly she hasn't even asked me about how I'm doing,  sent a random text to check on me and when we do talk on the phone doesn't even bring the baby up. So I don't know if my bitterness is preventing me from just buying something or actual propriety is. 

Re: Friend is eloping AND registered, what to do about a gift?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    A close friend of mine and her fiance decided to elope. She's part of a pretty close knit group of friends from high school and they are throwing her a bridal shower. I am very involved the bridal shower and spending about $250 on decor, accessories and running the games/ gifts. 

    The couple is registered, and I don't know if I should buy her a gift as well. I do think it's a little taboo to register when you're eloping, but since there's a bridal shower I figured she was looking for gifts from the party.

     Normally, I'd just spend the money and do the thing that over compensates into what is nice... but I'm 8 months pregnant. This friend didn't come to my baby shower, due to distance, but didn't give me a gift either (understandable). And honestly she hasn't even asked me about how I'm doing,  sent a random text to check on me and when we do talk on the phone doesn't even bring the baby up. So I don't know if my bitterness is preventing me from just buying something or actual propriety is. 

    Why on earth are you throwing someone a shower for an event you're not invited to?!?! And you're inviting other people?! Whyyyyyyyyy? Nooooooo! 

    Anyone invited to a wedding shower needs to be invited to the wedding. No wedding guests = no shower guests. You need to scrap this shower idea ASAP because you're making yourself and your friend look REALLY bad here.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 9
    I'd just give a card and some gift you can afford. Forget about the registry. It is just a wishlist. There is no requirement that you purchase a gift from a registry simply because it exists.

    I'd also stop doing so much for your friend while expecting her to reciprocate. Yeah, it sucks that she doesn't seem to care about you, but you don't have to go the extra mile who doesn't seem to appreciate your efforts or concern herself with you. 

    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    First, it's extremely rude to have a shower and invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. Even if no one is invited to the wedding. If I were invited to such a shower, I would decline and avoid it. There is no way in hell I'd be willing to help host such a thing. I wouldn't want my name associated with this rudeAF shower. The registry is poor form too, but pales in comparison to this shower. 

    That said, gifts are always voluntary. If you don't want to give a gift, don't. It shouldn't be because she did or didn't come to your shower or give you a gift or invite you to her wedding or whatever. If you don't want to get her a gift, don't get her a gift. 
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • It might be too late now, but no one should have offered to throw her a shower and she shouldn't have accepted, when they did.  As other PPs have mentioned, people shouldn't be invited to wedding related events (like a shower) if they aren't invited to the wedding.  It's a pretty major etiquette faux pas.

    If it isn't too late, maybe yourself and the other women who wanted to throw her a shower should just keep it a "gals day out, congrats on your wedding" type of thing. Rather than inviting others who understandably might side-eye a shower.  

    Whatever you all decide to do, for yourself and your question, I'd either get a small gift off the registry or chalk up the money/time spent for the event as her gift.

    As for your all's friendship, she did recently get married and is now a newlywed.  She probably has all of that taking up space in her brain, lol.  And while that doesn't necessarily excuse her from inquiring more about your life and pregnancy, it does explain why she might be a little more remiss and "me-focused" than usual.  I'd give her some latitude on this.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • Your friend isn't eloping, she's having a private wedding.  Either way, it's rude that she's registered and even worse that she's being thrown a shower.  (The shower is worse bc if there was no shower everyone could just ignore the registry, whereas now "please buy her presents" are being dangled in people's faces.) 
    Could you ask your friend hosting the shower if she hasn't ordered invitations yet to instead throw a bridal tea?  With no mention of a registry?  A shower by definition is a gift-giving event, a tea is not.  I understand wanting to celebrate a friend getting married, even if you're not invited to the wedding- a few years ago a dear friend had a city hall wedding with only their parents in attendance, but our friend group took her out for drinks a week before she was married.  I guess it was her "bachelorette party", but she didn't ask for it and there were zero gifts exchanged, just toasting her upcoming marriage.  Mandated pre-wedding parties/gift-giving events with guests not invited to the actual wedding are rude.
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 10
    Yeah..….no.  The reason there are no pre-wedding events for couples that elope is because an elopement is SECRET!  You can't host a shower for a wedding that no one is supposed to know about.  

    It sounds as if this shower is imminent.  Personally, I would make the shower my gift and do nothing else.  Nothing.  I am confused, though.  You said she belongs to a close knit group of friends from HS and THEY are throwing the shower.  How did you get drawn into this?
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • For someone who hasn't made the effort for you, you're already going above and beyond for her. I would do a card with a message about the bridal shower and how it was an honor to be able to put it together for her if you can't afford to give any more. 
    InLoveInQueens
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