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Wedding Woes

2 paragraphs for so.many.issues.

Dear Prudence,

I’m caring for my elderly mother with help from my sister. No one has seen or heard from our brother for six months. He says he’s dealing with some psychological issues from his friend dying by suicide. (This was not his best friend, if that’s helpful.) He’s not helping out or visiting or taking calls or texts from me, my sister, or my mom. He just says he’s dealing with some deep-seated psychological problems—all the while he’s going out to dinners and movies with his boyfriend.

I’m beyond livid about this. I’m about to cut him out of my life for good because he won’t talk to anyone about anything, so I’m not even able to resolve anything. I’m asking my mother to cut him out of her life insurance as well because he’s not interested in being a part of this family anymore. He even told our family that his boyfriend’s family is his real family now on Christmas Day dinner. That was three years ago. He’s vengeful and hurtful. I don’t want toxic people anymore in my life. Is what I’ve decided healthy or progressive?

—Trying to Move On

Re: 2 paragraphs for so.many.issues.

  • CasadenaCasadena member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 11
    I don't have anything constructive to say but I really want to slap this LW.
  • Two issues here:

    1) Keep bro out of your life if he's toxic.     If he's claiming issues while going out to dinners with the BF then simply say, "When you can make time for us give me a call."  

    2) How mom handles her finances is mom's business. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • "My brother has said that our family doesn't make him feel welcome.  I want to make sure that we continue to make him feel that way in the most extreme way ever."

    Yeah, he's definitely the problem here.  Also, brother has already cut you out of his life, accept it, get help for your need to have the last word/decision, and move the fuck on.  And don't make your mother choose between her children!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW needs to stay in her lane.  Don't contact brother anymore, but also don't tell mom what to do with her life insurance money.  Keep working with sister to care for mom. 
    ei34OurWildKingdom
  • mrsconn23 said:
    God, the whole "it wasn't his BEST FRIEND!!" thing makes me want to slap LW.  Fuck your judgey ass.  OF course your brother hates you and has clung to his partner's family. 
     
    I hope LW doesn't have POA and/or isn't executor of mom's estate...at least not alone.  They are trying to weaponize the end of their mother's life.  Ass. Hole. 
    That's also true.   You don't get to decide how someone processes grief.   My cousin that died by suicide and I weren't best buds but man did his death have a big effect on me.  

    I'm more thinking that LW is trying to martyr herself. 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomshort+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The friend who died by suicide not being his best friend line really bothers me.  Kind of blinds me from assessing the situation properly, I just feel like LW is wrong and a jerk thanks to that one line. 
    mrsconn23MesmrEweOurWildKingdom
  • Ha! Did my brother write this? Because according to my family I'm a cold hearted bitch who never calls (they never call me either), never visit (ahem), never tell them anything (sorry if I got tired of being judged, gossiped about and shamed) and I've"cut off the family FOR NO REASON!"

    Eh, not exactly. I just dropped tbe rope, put down boundaries and stopped giving them details of my personal life. But I'm the bitch, not them.

    Man, I really want the brother's side of the story.

    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomshort+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yikes. LW is the one that really sounds unhinged. Cut your brother out of your life, but you don't get to decide what your mother does with her life insurance money! 

  • I can’t imagine why the brother doesn’t talk to LW.

    But seriously, the brother is communicating that he’s dealing with a trauma right now and LW needs to respect. Need more help with Mom? Hire someone. Need sister to help more? Ask her politely. But eff no do you get to tell Mom what to do with her money and her relationship with her child. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    You know ... some people who are dealing with issues try to make an effort to go to the movies and go out to dinner.  Self-care and all that ... You can be dealing with stuff and still be going out.  Maybe that's now how LW deals with issues, but different strokes for different folks!
    imageimage
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • While I can understand the LW's annoyance of them and their sister doing all the heavy lifting with the elderly mother, they are extremely distasteful about it by trying to poison the rest of the family about the brother.

    And talking to the mom about cutting one of her children out of the estate is so gross and outrageous.

    I also find what the brother said at Christmas three years ago and the fact that he won't return anyone's calls/texts very telling.  The LW wants to cut toxic people out of their life?  Hmmm.  Sounds exactly like what the bro did!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    VarunaTTOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • Caring for an elderly parent is tough, and I think it's pretty common for there to be tension among siblings over who's doing how much. I can understand LW feeling frustrated and wishing she had more help in taking care of her mother. 

    That being said, there's more to this story than we're getting here. Maybe I'm naive, but I get the feeling most people who have little or no contact with their families and are closer to their partner's family, there's a reason. LW's comment about the brother's friend's suicide makes me think that they and maybe other family members spent years belittling or bullying the brother (and perhaps not being accepting of his orientation?) and the brother decided he's had enough. 

    If LW decides to cut the brother out of their life, fine. I doubt brother will miss them much. But they can't tell Mom what to do with her money. I'd be curious as to whether the sister is "livid" about all this too.
    image
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
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