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Etiquette

Wedding gifts not required... says who?

So I know wedding gifts aren't required.
But suddenly I'm wondering how I know that.
The Emily Post Institute says this: "Every wedding invitation carries the obligation to give a gift."

If someone questions me on why I say gifts aren't required, I'm wondering what source I should site?

Re: Wedding gifts not required... says who?

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mainly take issue with "If you receive an invitation, you are obligated to send a gift."

    We got invited to DH's second cousin's wedding. It legitimately took DH two days to figure out who the save the date was from because he's not seen the cousin in 5 years (also I've been with DH for 11 years and I don't think I've met him), never heard about the FI, and there were no last names on the thing.

    I'm not going to make a point of sending them a gift. Maybe DH will, but I'm not. Just because they put us on some (presumably giant) invite list does not make me obligated to send something to these people I've never met and haven't even heard anything about from MIL, who loves to spread all the news of extended friends and family circles.

    Now if we're going to a wedding, or we'd like to go but just can't swing it, then yeah I'm going to send a gift, even if a small one is all we can manage.
    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • I mainly take issue with "If you receive an invitation, you are obligated to send a gift."

    We got invited to DH's second cousin's wedding. It legitimately took DH two days to figure out who the save the date was from because he's not seen the cousin in 5 years (also I've been with DH for 11 years and I don't think I've met him), never heard about the FI, and there were no last names on the thing.

    I'm not going to make a point of sending them a gift. Maybe DH will, but I'm not. Just because they put us on some (presumably giant) invite list does not make me obligated to send something to these people I've never met and haven't even heard anything about from MIL, who loves to spread all the news of extended friends and family circles.

    Now if we're going to a wedding, or we'd like to go but just can't swing it, then yeah I'm going to send a gift, even if a small one is all we can manage.
    I completely agree with this.

    Part of handling this is also knowing that you should be inviting people to your wedding who are your nearest and dearest friends and family and not looking to create a list of donations that you're soliciting like a benefactor list in a theater. 

    So all of this involves that understanding too. 
    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • But did Emily Post ever say that?  The Emily Post Institute is crap.  The relatives who took over after her death are in it for the cash flow, not an interest in etiquette.
    MairePoppyInLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 16
    But did Emily Post ever say that?  The Emily Post Institute is crap.  The relatives who took over after her death are in it for the cash flow, not an interest in etiquette.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So true.
                       
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think you are obligated to send a gift if you are invited to a wedding, but I do think you should send a gift if you attend a wedding. Of course, you may send a gift if you don't attend or even if you aren't invited - both DD and DS had that happen, sometimes people are just very happy for the couple and want to send them a gift even if they aren't invited. As for my source, I'm going with @MairePoppy, the women in my family!

    I frequently do this as well.  I love gifting, particularly when unexpected and/or unnecessary.  I also agree that I follow traditional family protocols.  If I attend something I will gift every time.  However, depending on the circumstances of the invitation, I may opt out of gifting for events I do not attend.
    MairePoppyOurWildKingdom
  • See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

    But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

    So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

    If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift.  
  • Unless there are extenuating circumstances, I generally do think it's a bit rude for a guest to attend a wedding and not bring a gift.  It doesn't need to be major.  It doesn't need to be expensive.  It can even be homemade.  But it needs to be something.

    Though for my own wedding, I appreciated the gifts that were given, but my goal was for people to come and have fun.  I was not concerned and did not side-eye anyone that did not bring me a gift. 

    I don't think people are obligated to give a gift at all, if they are not attending the wedding.  However, I certainly understand why people do and it's a very nice gesture. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

    But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

    So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

    If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift. 

    SITB

    That is why I said obligated. I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding and not sent a gift. However, I have heard of people who invited just about everyone they know to their wedding even if they weren't particularly close. Like you said, in that case I wouldn't feel like I had to send a gift. A fairly close family member, family friend or personal friend, you bet I send a gift!
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

    But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

    So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

    If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift. 

    SITB

    That is why I said obligated. I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding and not sent a gift. However, I have heard of people who invited just about everyone they know to their wedding even if they weren't particularly close. Like you said, in that case I wouldn't feel like I had to send a gift. A fairly close family member, family friend or personal friend, you bet I send a gift!
    The only time I've ever not sent a gift was one of these situations.

    A few days after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, we got an invitation for H's cousin's wedding, out of state and like 8 days away. It was long passed the RSVP date and had a hand-written note like "let us know whenever you can!". 

    Not sure why my MIL felt the need to tell her sister/nephew to send us a sympathy invite/obvious B list (let alone what my mom's illness has to do with someone else's wedding) but we declined to attend and declined to send a gift. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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