Today's 'classic' Prudie: Whoa AF

banana468 · May 2019

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I can totally see how this could; she knew she had an STI in the past that is known to cause infertility, he could have told her he went to an appointment & got the results (I definitely don’t go with H to all his appointments or any really unless he needed me to).

I could see how she would put this all on herself. There is so much stigma around STIs and infertility maybe she just assumed it was her fault and never brought it up because she was ashamed/hurt/embarrassed. I know she shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not totally impossible either.

OK - that's certainly possible. But in general these are the flags:
-HER DOCTOR would order the seminalysis. She wouldn't go with him. He would go, make his deposit and then that would be analyzed in a lab. The results would go to HER doc. So if her H refused to share this with her doctor then that's a big red flag. If he is giving her this line then she's not asking enough questions.

-If she's blaming the STI on what happened years ago why on earth isn't she bringing up her own health over time to her doctor?

I know this sounds like victim blaming but it's either a sign that her story is Swiss cheese OR she needs to ask way more questions or she's going to break up with this H and fall into the cycle of being too trusting of the next guy.

If she’s not seeing a fertility doc, if she’s just seeing her OB/Gyn would this be the process? And wouldn’t he have to sign a waiver to have the results sent to her doc? If he lied about a vasectomy I imagine he’d refuse to sign a waiver (if he actually had a test done which I’m assuming he didn’t). Also if she hadn’t experienced this before, or didn’t know anyone who went through a fertility testing process she wouldn’t know what is supposed to have in terms of process. I would have no idea.

Every primary care or gyn has asked what I'm doing for birth control at the beginning of every appointment and if I'm trying to get pregnant. So this should come up if she's going on 2 years and nothing and any doctor should say, "Hm - let's take a look and see."

Maybe I watch too much true crime but this just sends up all kinds of red flags of believably in the story or naivete in the LW. "My boys are fine" isn't good enough for a doctor. They want to know concentration, motility etc. And if he's not signing a waiver that should trigger a red flag.

I agree - had this been written years ago it could be a different story but it's in this week's Prudie.

So this means that she's had an STD, she's been trying for YEARS to get pregnant, and she's either not going to the doctor, hasn't mentioned it to the doctor or she's seeing the ONE doctor who hasn't asked for additional testing after TWO YEARS? And this doctor is going to take her husband's account at face value without a current semenalysis? Testing swimmers is the first thing do to because getting that analysis is CHEAP and the other tests you'd do on a woman get more invasive and expensive.

It brings me back that this woman is reminding me of "Honey" from HIMYM OR this is MUD. If she's a honey, I really really hope that she's less trusting of people in the future.

cupcait927 · May 2019

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I can totally see how this could; she knew she had an STI in the past that is known to cause infertility, he could have told her he went to an appointment & got the results (I definitely don’t go with H to all his appointments or any really unless he needed me to).

I could see how she would put this all on herself. There is so much stigma around STIs and infertility maybe she just assumed it was her fault and never brought it up because she was ashamed/hurt/embarrassed. I know she shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not totally impossible either.

OK - that's certainly possible. But in general these are the flags:
-HER DOCTOR would order the seminalysis. She wouldn't go with him. He would go, make his deposit and then that would be analyzed in a lab. The results would go to HER doc. So if her H refused to share this with her doctor then that's a big red flag. If he is giving her this line then she's not asking enough questions.

-If she's blaming the STI on what happened years ago why on earth isn't she bringing up her own health over time to her doctor?

I know this sounds like victim blaming but it's either a sign that her story is Swiss cheese OR she needs to ask way more questions or she's going to break up with this H and fall into the cycle of being too trusting of the next guy.

If she’s not seeing a fertility doc, if she’s just seeing her OB/Gyn would this be the process? And wouldn’t he have to sign a waiver to have the results sent to her doc? If he lied about a vasectomy I imagine he’d refuse to sign a waiver (if he actually had a test done which I’m assuming he didn’t). Also if she hadn’t experienced this before, or didn’t know anyone who went through a fertility testing process she wouldn’t know what is supposed to have in terms of process. I would have no idea.

So I can answer this. We're at the beginning stages of testing and I started with my OBGYN. She ordered a semen analysis for H, and since it's under my chart, I got the test results. She also ordered bloodwork for me. From there, depending on the results of those test, then we'd go to see a fertility doctor. But any testing H has done for fertility reasons are posted under my chart, since he's not technically the patient (which did surprise me with the whole HIPAA thing).

Casadena · May 2019

cupcait927 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I can totally see how this could; she knew she had an STI in the past that is known to cause infertility, he could have told her he went to an appointment & got the results (I definitely don’t go with H to all his appointments or any really unless he needed me to).

I could see how she would put this all on herself. There is so much stigma around STIs and infertility maybe she just assumed it was her fault and never brought it up because she was ashamed/hurt/embarrassed. I know she shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not totally impossible either.

OK - that's certainly possible. But in general these are the flags:
-HER DOCTOR would order the seminalysis. She wouldn't go with him. He would go, make his deposit and then that would be analyzed in a lab. The results would go to HER doc. So if her H refused to share this with her doctor then that's a big red flag. If he is giving her this line then she's not asking enough questions.

-If she's blaming the STI on what happened years ago why on earth isn't she bringing up her own health over time to her doctor?

I know this sounds like victim blaming but it's either a sign that her story is Swiss cheese OR she needs to ask way more questions or she's going to break up with this H and fall into the cycle of being too trusting of the next guy.

If she’s not seeing a fertility doc, if she’s just seeing her OB/Gyn would this be the process? And wouldn’t he have to sign a waiver to have the results sent to her doc? If he lied about a vasectomy I imagine he’d refuse to sign a waiver (if he actually had a test done which I’m assuming he didn’t). Also if she hadn’t experienced this before, or didn’t know anyone who went through a fertility testing process she wouldn’t know what is supposed to have in terms of process. I would have no idea.

So I can answer this. We're at the beginning stages of testing and I started with my OBGYN. She ordered a semen analysis for H, and since it's under my chart, I got the test results. She also ordered bloodwork for me. From there, depending on the results of those test, then we'd go to see a fertility doctor. But any testing H has done for fertility reasons are posted under my chart, since he's not technically the patient (which did surprise me with the whole HIPAA thing).

That's exactly how it was for us too when we started seeing a fertility doc. Everything is done and billed under my insurance and I get all the results of both of our tests. We had some appointments together and some separate, but I get everything. There's no way if they're working with a doctor that they wouldn't know the others info.

banana468 · May 2019

cupcait927 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I can totally see how this could; she knew she had an STI in the past that is known to cause infertility, he could have told her he went to an appointment & got the results (I definitely don’t go with H to all his appointments or any really unless he needed me to).

I could see how she would put this all on herself. There is so much stigma around STIs and infertility maybe she just assumed it was her fault and never brought it up because she was ashamed/hurt/embarrassed. I know she shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s not totally impossible either.

OK - that's certainly possible. But in general these are the flags:
-HER DOCTOR would order the seminalysis. She wouldn't go with him. He would go, make his deposit and then that would be analyzed in a lab. The results would go to HER doc. So if her H refused to share this with her doctor then that's a big red flag. If he is giving her this line then she's not asking enough questions.

-If she's blaming the STI on what happened years ago why on earth isn't she bringing up her own health over time to her doctor?

I know this sounds like victim blaming but it's either a sign that her story is Swiss cheese OR she needs to ask way more questions or she's going to break up with this H and fall into the cycle of being too trusting of the next guy.

If she’s not seeing a fertility doc, if she’s just seeing her OB/Gyn would this be the process? And wouldn’t he have to sign a waiver to have the results sent to her doc? If he lied about a vasectomy I imagine he’d refuse to sign a waiver (if he actually had a test done which I’m assuming he didn’t). Also if she hadn’t experienced this before, or didn’t know anyone who went through a fertility testing process she wouldn’t know what is supposed to have in terms of process. I would have no idea.

So I can answer this. We're at the beginning stages of testing and I started with my OBGYN. She ordered a semen analysis for H, and since it's under my chart, I got the test results. She also ordered bloodwork for me. From there, depending on the results of those test, then we'd go to see a fertility doctor. But any testing H has done for fertility reasons are posted under my chart, since he's not technically the patient (which did surprise me with the whole HIPAA thing).

Exactly. DH had a seminalysis ordered by my doc to be sent to her.

And he said, "We just barely started trying and this is going to be 300 bucks? For 300 bucks they should collect it themselves."

So we went with the analysis of my PCOS and decided to hold off on the seminalysis if the TTC journey took longer.

redwoodoriginal · May 2019

For starters, it’s a classic Purdue letter- from several years ago. Not one from this week’s chat.

Secondly, many, MANY people don’t even know REs exist and try on their own for several years before being able to admit to their own doctors that they’re having issues. Many times because of things like blaming themselves for a history of STDs or whatever. It’s really not that uncommon. I’m pretty shocked you people think everyone is educated enough to a) trust a dr, b) have a doctor, c) know what an RE is, d) have good insurance to even see an RE, e) even know at what point do you go for medical intervention.

banana468 · May 2019

redwoodoriginal said:

For starters, it’s a classic Purdue letter- from several years ago. Not one from this week’s chat.

Secondly, many, MANY people don’t even know REs exist and try on their own for several years before being able to admit to their own doctors that they’re having issues. Many times because of things like blaming themselves for a history of STDs or whatever. It’s really not that uncommon. I’m pretty shocked you people think everyone is educated enough to a) trust a dr, b) have a doctor, c) know what an RE is, d) have good insurance to even see an RE, e) even know at what point do you go for medical intervention.

So in your mind someone TTC would not have a doctor and should she become pregnant she'd pay for it with hope and pixie dust?

I didn't know what an RE was. I was referred to one 9 years ago when diagnosed with PCOS. I'm not sure how old this letter was but it's not really new technology.

And the point is that at no point has she brought it up? If that's true and the LW is saying allll of this then I really really hope that she starts to get educated about what's out there.

redwoodoriginal · May 2019

banana468 said:

redwoodoriginal said:

For starters, it’s a classic Purdue letter- from several years ago. Not one from this week’s chat.

Secondly, many, MANY people don’t even know REs exist and try on their own for several years before being able to admit to their own doctors that they’re having issues. Many times because of things like blaming themselves for a history of STDs or whatever. It’s really not that uncommon. I’m pretty shocked you people think everyone is educated enough to a) trust a dr, b) have a doctor, c) know what an RE is, d) have good insurance to even see an RE, e) even know at what point do you go for medical intervention.

So in your mind someone TTC would not have a doctor and should she become pregnant she'd pay for it with hope and pixie dust?

I didn't know what an RE was. I was referred to one 9 years ago when diagnosed with PCOS. I'm not sure how old this letter was but it's not really new technology.

And the point is that at no point has she brought it up? If that's true and the LW is saying allll of this then I really really hope that she starts to get educated about what's out there.

No, I’m saying the reality for many Americans is that they don’t even have a primary care doctor, or cannot afford one, so they may know they’re struggling with infertility but aren’t under a drs treatment plan, or they have an ob or Pcp but don’t admit to the infertility for many reasons, including stigma / shame of sexual history and infections, cultural stereotypes of what being infertile means, straight up not knowing there are lots of options for treatment, or knowing they can’t afford any of the treatments.

banana468 · May 2019

redwoodoriginal said:

banana468 said:

redwoodoriginal said:

For starters, it’s a classic Purdue letter- from several years ago. Not one from this week’s chat.

Secondly, many, MANY people don’t even know REs exist and try on their own for several years before being able to admit to their own doctors that they’re having issues. Many times because of things like blaming themselves for a history of STDs or whatever. It’s really not that uncommon. I’m pretty shocked you people think everyone is educated enough to a) trust a dr, b) have a doctor, c) know what an RE is, d) have good insurance to even see an RE, e) even know at what point do you go for medical intervention.

So in your mind someone TTC would not have a doctor and should she become pregnant she'd pay for it with hope and pixie dust?

I didn't know what an RE was. I was referred to one 9 years ago when diagnosed with PCOS. I'm not sure how old this letter was but it's not really new technology.

And the point is that at no point has she brought it up? If that's true and the LW is saying allll of this then I really really hope that she starts to get educated about what's out there.

No, I’m saying the reality for many Americans is that they don’t even have a primary care doctor, or cannot afford one, so they may know they’re struggling with infertility but aren’t under a drs treatment plan, or they have an ob or Pcp but don’t admit to the infertility for many reasons, including stigma / shame of sexual history and infections, cultural stereotypes of what being infertile means, straight up not knowing there are lots of options for treatment, or knowing they can’t afford any of the treatments.

Which then brings me to my second thought. If this woman is truly shouldering all of this on herself I really hope that she starts to be more investigative in her life and less trusting of others. Because a man who will lie to you about his reproductive health will also steal the house out from under you and leave you with nothing in a divorce.

If this is true I feel bad for this woman and hope that she seeks some counseling about how to gain independence and fight for her right to get information and shut down those around her who try to deceive her by asking more questions rather than take an answer at complete face value.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

banana468 said:

redwoodoriginal said:

banana468 said:

redwoodoriginal said:

For starters, it’s a classic Purdue letter- from several years ago. Not one from this week’s chat.

Secondly, many, MANY people don’t even know REs exist and try on their own for several years before being able to admit to their own doctors that they’re having issues. Many times because of things like blaming themselves for a history of STDs or whatever. It’s really not that uncommon. I’m pretty shocked you people think everyone is educated enough to a) trust a dr, b) have a doctor, c) know what an RE is, d) have good insurance to even see an RE, e) even know at what point do you go for medical intervention.

So in your mind someone TTC would not have a doctor and should she become pregnant she'd pay for it with hope and pixie dust?

I didn't know what an RE was. I was referred to one 9 years ago when diagnosed with PCOS. I'm not sure how old this letter was but it's not really new technology.

And the point is that at no point has she brought it up? If that's true and the LW is saying allll of this then I really really hope that she starts to get educated about what's out there.

No, I’m saying the reality for many Americans is that they don’t even have a primary care doctor, or cannot afford one, so they may know they’re struggling with infertility but aren’t under a drs treatment plan, or they have an ob or Pcp but don’t admit to the infertility for many reasons, including stigma / shame of sexual history and infections, cultural stereotypes of what being infertile means, straight up not knowing there are lots of options for treatment, or knowing they can’t afford any of the treatments.

Which then brings me to my second thought. If this woman is truly shouldering all of this on herself I really hope that she starts to be more investigative in her life and less trusting of others. Because a man who will lie to you about his reproductive health will also steal the house out from under you and leave you with nothing in a divorce.

If this is true I feel bad for this woman and hope that she seeks some counseling about how to gain independence and fight for her right to get information and shut down those around her who try to deceive her by asking more questions rather than take an answer at complete face value.

Yes, however let's not pretend reproductive and mental health (both very important in understanding your body and how it works) are understood in depth this country. I do feel there has been a shift, but since we cannot get comprehensive sex-ed (that's clinical and based on science) in most schools and there's still a lot pearl clutchiness on the part of parents in this country that are spooked by talking about sex in real terms to their kids, and ALSO reproductive politics are ALL about incorrect information about women's bodies, I can see how people will suffer in silence and/or not know the questions to ask OR will ask the questions and accept the answers at face value instead of continuing to investigate/advocate for themselves. Also, doctors are viewed through the lens of being all-knowing instead of humans with just as many limitations and biases as anyone else.

I credit a LOT of what I learned about pregnancy and fertility to the ladies on my mom board, my sister, and my SIL. I followed up and read a lot of stuff after learning things from them, but there are things I wouldn't have even thought of without them sharing their experiences.

VarunaTT · May 2019

I'm perturbed and uncomfortable at the number of posts that seem to be blaming this woman for not knowing her husband had a vasectomy, for whatever reason.

She doesn't know he had one, b/c he didn't use his words. Period. Full stop. Everything else is as a result of that and not one lick of it is her fault or issue for not having discovered.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

VarunaTT said:

I'm perturbed and uncomfortable at the number of posts that seem to be blaming this woman for not knowing her husband had a vasectomy, for whatever reason.

She doesn't know he had one, b/c he didn't use his words. Period. Full stop. Everything else is as a result of that and not one lick of it is her fault or issue for not having discovered.

This hits a nail on a head. As a woman, understanding your own fertility, and body, is extremely important. However, liars are going to lie and their lie is not anyone's fault but theirs.

Also, why would she start with questioning her husband if she trusted him? HE BROKE THE TRUST BY HIDING THIS "CONDITION". That's where it should begin and end, full stop. He also said to her he hoped she'd just 'give up', so really...she could have sought all the answers she wanted to about her own body, but he was going to continue to keep this hidden as long as he could.

I am not about to say the next thing to piss anyone off OR point fingers, but this is an exercise in internalized misogyny. A man created a problem for a woman with a lie and we're asking why she didn't know better.

banana468 · May 2019

mrsconn23 said:

VarunaTT said:

I'm perturbed and uncomfortable at the number of posts that seem to be blaming this woman for not knowing her husband had a vasectomy, for whatever reason.

She doesn't know he had one, b/c he didn't use his words. Period. Full stop. Everything else is as a result of that and not one lick of it is her fault or issue for not having discovered.

This hits a nail on a head. As a woman, understanding your own fertility, and body, is extremely important. However, liars are going to lie and their lie is not anyone's fault but theirs.

Also, why would she start with questioning her husband if she trusted him? HE BROKE THE TRUST BY HIDING THIS "CONDITION". That's where it should begin and end, full stop. He also said to her he hoped she'd just 'give up', so really...she could have sought all the answers she wanted to about her own body, but he was going to continue to keep this hidden as long as he could.

I agree with you. If this is true THEN he is lying and thefore an asshole. Full stop. If it came across that I'm blaming the LW in this that's not the case and I apologize.

If all of this is true then I feel bad for this woman and hope that she gets some honest counseling to gain confidence and independence. I've seen it so often especially on my local that the wife is trusting her partner and he he's cheating or lying or stealing from her. All of those mean that he's an asshole. My MIL had a friend who found out when her H asked for a divorce that along with him ending their marriage he also stole from her and left her penniless. She's absolutely the victim in that.

The afterword in all of this is that I hope she and other women out there take any story like this as a reminder that we need to empower ourselves to continue to dig deeper on all topics and not be afraid to ask questions.

Edited to change: If this is true THEN he is lying and therefore an asshole.

Today's 'classic' Prudie: Whoa AF

Re: Today's 'classic' Prudie: Whoa AF

Choose Another Board

Search Boards