You could have written the note instead of Prudie and avoided the family fight.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I got married two months ago, and we received a generous cash gift from an old, very wealthy relative. We’re not ordinarily close, and she only reentered our lives when my father and his siblings reconnected with her. She knows, I think, that everyone is suddenly interested in her because she’s rich and in her 80s, but she’s happy with the newfound attention, and everyone’s being kind. I live in another country and am not involved; frankly I’m uneasy about the whole thing. She’s made all of the grandchildren gifts over the past few years, and while I’ve always been grateful and sent her thank-you notes (and Christmas gifts, flowers when I occasionally visit, etc.), that’s the extent of our relationship.

My dad has been bugging me over the phone and via text to send her a special thank-you card before everyone else’s because she gave us $5,000, and we had a fight about it. Now he’s even gotten my mom involved, and they’re divorced. The wedding was two months ago, and we’re planning on sending thank-you cards in about a month. Our apartment flooded, and right now we’re restricted to the only room that doesn’t have water damage; we’re not just delaying because we don’t feel like it. Thank-you notes haven’t been our top priority, and I don’t think it’s rude to treat her like everyone else who bought us a present. How can I get my dad to relax about this? I want him to understand that while I appreciate her generosity, being rich shouldn’t get you special treatment, and I don’t want to flatter her in the hopes of getting more gifts later on. But maybe I’m being unreasonable—as my dad sees it, I could buy a cheap thank-you card at the store, sign it, and have it in the mail in under 30 minutes. I just don’t want to! She’ll get a lovely personalized thank-you note in a few weeks. My husband is on my side, but I could use some perspective.
—No Thanks

charlotte989875 · May 2019

You’re being unreasonable because in the time you have argued with your dad, talked this through with your husband, and written to Prudie you could have finished all of the thank yous, not just the one to your aunt.

Stop being stubborn and write the notes (all of them).

kvruns · May 2019

Write the damn notes. You don't need special cards/photocards/whatever for any of these. Most people will throw them away after reading.

STARMOON44 · May 2019

You’re being rude to everyone by delaying, especially your extraordinarily generous elderly relative, and I hope she cuts you out of her will.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

kvruns said:

Write the damn notes. You don't need special cards/photocards/whatever for any of these. Most people will throw them away after reading.

We did photo Thank You. SIL/BFF had them made while we were on our honeymoon (she offered, it was her wedding gift to us). LW is being ridiculous and petulant.

Also, if I've learned anything over the course of life, marriage, etc. it's that shit happens and no one cares about your shit because they have their own shit. And shit still needs to get done regardless of the unexpected bullshit that comes up.

So LW, there is no validation for you here. And your attitude brought your divorced parents together to tell you're wrong.

short+sassy · May 2019

What a weird letter! It seems her biggest angst is that she doesn't want to give her aunt "special treatment" because the gift was an especially generous one.

So she's going to be equally rude to the aunt, in order for all the guests to be treated the same. Did I understand that right, lol? Not to mention, it's doubtful the aunt would even know when thank-you letters are sent to everyone.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

short+sassy said:

What a weird letter! It seems her biggest angst is that she doesn't want to give her aunt "special treatment" because the gift was an especially generous one.

YES. If a relative with $$$ came back into the picture, was happy to be around, and wanted to throw money at everyone, I'd have TY notes at the ready JIC. I mean, LW does not indicate this person is being controlling and adding strings. So the whole tone and attitude of the letter is very odd.

CharmedPam · May 2019

short+sassy said:

What a weird letter! It seems her biggest angst is that she doesn't want to give her aunt "special treatment" because the gift was an especially generous one.

So she's going to be equally rude to the aunt, in order for all the guests to be treated the same. Did I understand that right, lol? Not to mention, it's doubtful the aunt would even know when thank-you letters are sent to everyone.

Right??!???!

banana468 · May 2019

Ditto the rest.

Get off your high horse and write the fucking notes. What are you doing in that one room that you can't take an hour a night and write the notes? What's going to change in a month?

You need a lesson in being gracious to all your guests and frankly I think all of them should have received notes by now.

ei34 · May 2019

*praying to the Prudie gods that LW comes to TK to pose this question*
Yeah how would guests know when other guests even receive thank yous? Huge eyeroll at LW patting themselves on the back for "wanting to treat all guests the same". Everyone's TYs are late at this point LW, you and your H have to get to work!

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2019

I agree with all y'all! Thank you notes are a pet peeve of mine. Like PP said, in the time you have wasted arguing about the note you could have written and sent one to the relative and everyone else! I'd be majorly side-eyeing LW now if I had been a guest and hadn't received a thank you note.

downtondiva · May 2019

Find a clean surface with no water damage to write your thank you notes on and get to it. Three months is kind of long to go without sending them, and you've wasted more than enough time arguing with your father over it.

Jen4948 · May 2019

Write the notes. Do it from a library, a FedEx Kinko's, a hotel room, a Starbucks, or wherever, but WRITE them and stop making excuses.

kerbohl · May 2019

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

mrsconn23 · May 2019

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I believe the rules of etiquette says that TY's should be done within a month of the wedding. 6-8 weeks is still an OK window, but is pushing it.

3 months is really too long. I mean that's a quarter of a year. But sending TY's is the most important thing and a late one is better than none at all.

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2019

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I've never gotten a verbal thank you from a bride and groom. At showers usually they say thank you and follow up with a note, but for a wedding gift (which I usually have shipped) I've never been thanked verbally. Also, I hope that the photo thank you still has a written thank you on it. I received a photo thank you once that only had a printed thank you - nothing personal. That really bothered me - like the couple couldn't take the time to write a personal note with the picture.

kerbohl · May 2019

ILoveBeachMusic said:

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I've never gotten a verbal thank you from a bride and groom. At showers usually they say thank you and follow up with a note, but for a wedding gift (which I usually have shipped) I've never been thanked verbally. Also, I hope that the photo thank you still has a written thank you on it. I received a photo thank you once that only had a printed thank you - nothing personal. That really bothered me - like the couple couldn't take the time to write a personal note with the picture.

Mine have been either a card with a photo in it, or the printed cards with a personal note.

CharmedPam · May 2019

mrsconn23 said:

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I believe the rules of etiquette says that TY's should be done within a month of the wedding. 6-8 weeks is still an OK window, but is pushing it.

3 months is really too long. I mean that's a quarter of a year. But sending TY's is the most important thing and a late one is better than none at all.

Really 1 month? I thought I read 1 year!

short+sassy · May 2019

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I believe the rules of etiquette says that TY's should be done within a month of the wedding. 6-8 weeks is still an OK window, but is pushing it.

3 months is really too long. I mean that's a quarter of a year. But sending TY's is the most important thing and a late one is better than none at all.

Really 1 month? I thought I read 1 year!

Unfortunately, I think people often confuse this. It's within 1 year of the wedding for people to SEND the wedding gift.

Which has always struck me as bizarre anyway, because someone can send...or not send...a gift whenever they want.

Edited to add: For example, I was married six years ago. If someone found a wedding gift for us in their closet that they thought they'd sent. And then mailed it/brought it to me. I'd be super excited to get an unexpected gift, lol.

OliveOilsMom · May 2019

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I believe the rules of etiquette says that TY's should be done within a month of the wedding. 6-8 weeks is still an OK window, but is pushing it.

3 months is really too long. I mean that's a quarter of a year. But sending TY's is the most important thing and a late one is better than none at all.

Really 1 month? I thought I read 1 year!

You have 1 year to send a gift!

We did receive my brother's TY card for his wedding almost a year to the day of the wedding! But there was so much else wrong with that wedding I won't go into it! They are divorcing now!

banana468 · May 2019

We just wrote the TY notes. I didn't want to wait for the photo cards from the photographer and just wanted to get the notes out.

Technically TY notes for wedding gifts should also go out BEFORE the wedding for gifts that are sent before. I think we had them done at the 3 week mark.

MissKittyDanger · May 2019

This actually makes me wonder .... so we attended a wedding in September. By November - January they were in counseling and by March starting divorce proceedings.
I think it was late March or early April that we received a Thank you - which shocked us, since we assumed we wouldn't get one.

Would you send a Thank You if you were getting divorced 6 months after getting married? Or even in marital counseling shortly after getting married?

cupcait927 · May 2019

MissKittyDanger said:

This actually makes me wonder .... so we attended a wedding in September. By November - January they were in counseling and by March starting divorce proceedings.
I think it was late March or early April that we received a Thank you - which shocked us, since we assumed we wouldn't get one.

Would you send a Thank You if you were getting divorced 6 months after getting married? Or even in marital counseling shortly after getting married?

Yes, because they still received a gift and that requires a thank you.

MissKittyDanger · May 2019

cupcait927 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

This actually makes me wonder .... so we attended a wedding in September. By November - January they were in counseling and by March starting divorce proceedings.
I think it was late March or early April that we received a Thank you - which shocked us, since we assumed we wouldn't get one.

Would you send a Thank You if you were getting divorced 6 months after getting married? Or even in marital counseling shortly after getting married?

Yes, because they still received a gift and that requires a thank you.

Which is fair. It's becoming a nasty divorce so I know the bride wrote them all out .... things got nasty shortly after the wedding apparently $:\$

banana468 · May 2019

MissKittyDanger said:

This actually makes me wonder .... so we attended a wedding in September. By November - January they were in counseling and by March starting divorce proceedings.
I think it was late March or early April that we received a Thank you - which shocked us, since we assumed we wouldn't get one.

Would you send a Thank You if you were getting divorced 6 months after getting married? Or even in marital counseling shortly after getting married?

Well, by 6 months I would have had the notes out.

But if I was questioning what I was doing I'd either be packaging up gifts to give back to my friends and family or sending the notes.

What a crap year if their first year of marriage imploded. Yikes.

MissKittyDanger · May 2019

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

This actually makes me wonder .... so we attended a wedding in September. By November - January they were in counseling and by March starting divorce proceedings.
I think it was late March or early April that we received a Thank you - which shocked us, since we assumed we wouldn't get one.

Would you send a Thank You if you were getting divorced 6 months after getting married? Or even in marital counseling shortly after getting married?

Well, by 6 months I would have had the notes out.

But if I was questioning what I was doing I'd either be packaging up gifts to give back to my friends and family or sending the notes.

What a crap year if their first year of marriage imploded. Yikes.

They were fine before but apparently there were some flags she opted to ignore. Apparently he decided to stay a day alone in another city after his bachelor party, then there was cheating, abuse, etc.
Oh and get this, apparently she couldn't be friends with me on fb because I'm friends with one girl he apparently cheated on with.
As I explained to her, who I'm friends with should affect anyone. I wouldn't invite them both to somewhere out of respect but tbh Bride doesn't have physical proof - although she says "I have DNA proof" .... uhm ok. How did you get it and prove it's her? Skirts question .... idk.

It's a whole damn issue but whatever I guess. A friend of mine - who was in her wedding party - said she was Bridezilla and almost lost majority of her party while planning because of how she was acting. $:\$

OurWildKingdom · May 2019

mrsconn23 said:

kerbohl said:

Is three months a long time? I don't mind waiting a bit if it means that I get a note with a picture of the couple. Then again, I prefer verbal thank yous over notes, and usually you already get that when you give the gift, so the note a few months later is just a bonus.

I believe the rules of etiquette says that TY's should be done within a month of the wedding. 6-8 weeks is still an OK window, but is pushing it.

3 months is really too long. I mean that's a quarter of a year. But sending TY's is the most important thing and a late one is better than none at all.

SITB

We did ours within two weeks. We also got an unexpected gift about six weeks ago and sent out that note within a week. Unfortunately I had an old address and forgot to confirm it first, so it came back and I had to resend it. It still fell within the one-month window though.

MesmrEwe · May 2019

LW could have had the majority of TY Notes done in half that time spent writing to Prudie... I get that dealing with flood damage is a royal PITA (I had three flooded spaces this spring -none of them covered by insurance- I get it!), but life doesn't stop and LW needs to be writing those out while the memory is still fresh of who gave what. And yea, I'd start with the person who sent the $5000 gift - js!

And yes - I'm team I appreciate a verbal Thank you and have told many "save the postage and consider me thanked!!!", BUT, keep in mind, there was the specific item thank you before the "one TY done!" from me!

You could have written the note instead of Prudie and avoided the family fight.

Re: You could have written the note instead of Prudie and avoided the family fight.

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