Sisters getting married back to back

adventuresoftonoandlo · July 2019

My younger sister got engaged after we did, and planned her wedding before mine. Long story short, it was a total disaster of a wedding and anything that could have gone wrong, did, because she refused to ask for help, and booked an outdoor venue in February in Tennessee. I (the older sister) was her MOH and did EVERYTHING for her, flew back and forth for parties, dresses, etc. My sister is the type of person who believes she is never wrong, and she is incapable of having a conversation without it being filled with sarcasm and attitude. The day of the wedding, there was some confusion about bridesmaid bouquets and while it ended up fine in the end, and she had NO idea...her best friend pulled me aside during the reception in the pouring, freezing rain to scold me for dropping the ball and blamed it all on me. I later overheard the same 'maid and her friends agreeing she should have been the MOH instead. After my speech which I got numerous compliments on, I overheard the groom's mother and brother making fun of me for trying to upstage the BM. The list goes on, but my sister never formally thanked me, I received no thank you gift or even a text thank you for everything I did for her. Now I am getting married 13 months after her, and she has assumed she will be my MOH, and has already told everyone as such. I'm choosing her out of necessity, but I truly don't want to. She hasn't asked me once if I needed help with anything, and when I expressed frustration over some decisions I was making, she scolded me for being "dramatic". I don't have many close friends, so a 2 person bridal party was difficult for me to pull together as it is. Please help! Anyone else experience these kinds of issues??

levioosa · July 2019

adventuresoftonoandlo said:

My younger sister got engaged after we did, and planned her wedding before mine. Long story short, it was a total disaster of a wedding and anything that could have gone wrong, did, because she refused to ask for help, and booked an outdoor venue in February in Tennessee. I (the older sister) was her MOH and did EVERYTHING for her, flew back and forth for parties, dresses, etc. My sister is the type of person who believes she is never wrong, and she is incapable of having a conversation without it being filled with sarcasm and attitude. The day of the wedding, there was some confusion about bridesmaid bouquets and while it ended up fine in the end, and she had NO idea...her best friend pulled me aside during the reception in the pouring, freezing rain to scold me for dropping the ball and blamed it all on me. I later overheard the same 'maid and her friends agreeing she should have been the MOH instead. After my speech which I got numerous compliments on, I overheard the groom's mother and brother making fun of me for trying to upstage the BM. The list goes on, but my sister never formally thanked me, I received no thank you gift or even a text thank you for everything I did for her. Now I am getting married 13 months after her, and she has assumed she will be my MOH, and has already told everyone as such. I'm choosing her out of necessity, but I truly don't want to. She hasn't asked me once if I needed help with anything, and when I expressed frustration over some decisions I was making, she scolded me for being "dramatic". I don't have many close friends, so a 2 person bridal party was difficult for me to pull together as it is. Please help! Anyone else experience these kinds of issues??

The only “role” of a BM/MOH is to show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire. You are playing the martyr a bit, and it’s time to let go. It does suck that you were never thanked for your help, but that’s in the past, and I’m guessing it wasn’t out of character for your sister. You are not obligated to choose her as MOH. She is also not obligated to help you plan, decorate, or pay for any portion of the wedding. Where is your FI? They should be the one who helps you with decisions and planning.

ILoveBeachMusic · July 2019

You don't have to have your sister as MOH. That role should be for your very closest friend - not based on blood or who will do the most for you. Since you said you have a 2 person WP, is the other person close enough to you to be a MOH?

MissKittyDanger · July 2019

1 - don't choose family over necessity. My H isn't going to even be in the wedding party when his brother gets married. He was the best man in our wedding, but we had a bigger wedding/wedding party than they will.

2 - if you really don't want her, you can say something. You never officially asked, from my understanding. Go with someone you trust.

3 - people are jerks. Fuck them. That's incredibly rude of how people acted/treated you at your sister's wedding.

4 - if you opt not to have her as MOH, expect recoil. She seems the type.

Casadena · July 2019

It sucks no one thanked you for what you did in/for your sister's wedding. However, I hope you did all that because you WANTED to and not because you expected something in return. Take her wedding out of it when choosing your MOH. If your sister is not who you'd like as your MOH (who should be chosen because they are your closest/best friend/ etc - NOT because they will do a lot for you and your wedding) you are free to choose someone else. Or no one.

OliveOilsMom · July 2019

levioosa said:

adventuresoftonoandlo said:

My younger sister got engaged after we did, and planned her wedding before mine. Long story short, it was a total disaster of a wedding and anything that could have gone wrong, did, because she refused to ask for help, and booked an outdoor venue in February in Tennessee. I (the older sister) was her MOH and did EVERYTHING for her, flew back and forth for parties, dresses, etc. My sister is the type of person who believes she is never wrong, and she is incapable of having a conversation without it being filled with sarcasm and attitude. The day of the wedding, there was some confusion about bridesmaid bouquets and while it ended up fine in the end, and she had NO idea...her best friend pulled me aside during the reception in the pouring, freezing rain to scold me for dropping the ball and blamed it all on me. I later overheard the same 'maid and her friends agreeing she should have been the MOH instead. After my speech which I got numerous compliments on, I overheard the groom's mother and brother making fun of me for trying to upstage the BM. The list goes on, but my sister never formally thanked me, I received no thank you gift or even a text thank you for everything I did for her. Now I am getting married 13 months after her, and she has assumed she will be my MOH, and has already told everyone as such. I'm choosing her out of necessity, but I truly don't want to. She hasn't asked me once if I needed help with anything, and when I expressed frustration over some decisions I was making, she scolded me for being "dramatic". I don't have many close friends, so a 2 person bridal party was difficult for me to pull together as it is. Please help! Anyone else experience these kinds of issues??

The only “role” of a BM/MOH is to show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire. You are playing the martyr a bit, and it’s time to let go. It does suck that you were never thanked for your help, but that’s in the past, and I’m guessing it wasn’t out of character for your sister. You are not obligated to choose her as MOH. She is also not obligated to help you plan, decorate, or pay for any portion of the wedding. Where is your FI? They should be the one who helps you with decisions and planning.

Levioosa nailed it, so I'm quoting it for you to read again.

And it sounds like you should pick no one to be in your WP. You don't have to scrounge up people for a WP if you don't really have anyone. You can also only have BMs and not designate anyone MOH. If you have already asked people to be in your WP, then don't unask them, that is even ruder than how you were treated at your sister's wedding.

climbingsingle · July 2019

Don't choose your sister as MOH out of some sort of obligation. Your bridal party should be made up of your nearest and dearest.

Also, the MOH is not required to help. You were not obligated to, and she is not obligated to. It sucks that you went out of your way for her and she didn't thank you.

downtondiva · July 2019

I'm sorry that your sister's wedding was such a bad experience for you and that she was so unappreciative of your help. That being said, just as you were not obligated to do everything you did for her wedding, she is not obligated to do anything for yours except show up on time, properly attired, and sober.

If you really feel you must choose her to be your MOH (which you don't have to, as others have pointed out), you need to be okay with her not being as involved with your wedding as you were with hers. Frankly, from everything you've said, it sounds like her involvement would only stress you out more anyway, so it's probably for the best if she doesn't take too much interest. Enjoy planning your wedding with your FI and leave your sister out of it as much as possible.

MesmrEwe · July 2019

Y'all need a cupcake and beverage...

First - the sister issue since it's the elephant in the room. First, you BOTH have a lot of growing up to do. Accept your sister for who she is, let go of the comments others made and avoid the desire to judge your sister by the remarks of others. Your expectation of a Thank you likely won't come for a few years, know that you need to remind yourself to say Thank You and write thank you notes sooner than later, remember to get your BM something as a thank you that's unique to them or send a small arrangement the Monday after your wedding, but most of all, do better yourself, others do not work to that standard even though one would think the obvious. Hard as it may be, let it go recognizing that it's on her, not you. Next, if she's married and your other BM is not, you have an easy solution, Matron of Honor and Maid of Honor.. Otherwise, she may have told people she's your MOH, but if the words have not come out of YOUR mouth, they are not official and your choice to have one, two, or not have one given there are only two BM. That said, you've got several months to drop the issue for now.

When it comes to your wedding, the s-show can be avoided for yours rather easily, and that is simply by hiring the right vendors to do their jobs so you nor your family nor WP have to. A reception hall that is all-inclusive (some even include a basic centerpiece of candles on a mirror), indoors with proper climate control, etc. The financial value in not having to stress is many times well worth it! A florist who will make sure they get the details correct (you may already know a florist NOT to use since they messed things up - OR - your sister did the messing up in the ordering process so that's why things weren't in order).. Be organized but remember you delegated vendors to do the work for you so that you can enjoy the event too (most brides don't realize this, YOU are the only one who notices if something is missing..). Focus on the basics - hosting your guests properly for the time of day and type of event, and yes, your WP and family are guests!

kerbohl · July 2019

Did your sister know about her bridesmaid and in-laws being rude to you? If she did and didn't do anything, she's not in your corner and I wouldn't have her as MOH. Goodness, if someone talked trash about my sister I would be livid with them.
If she didn't know, then the trash-talking is irrelevant. I mean, the company your sister keeps might have some indication of the type of person she is, but not necessarily.
That being said, she sounds unreliable, and by that I mean she doesn't sound like the type that can avoid drama and stress for your wedding. I would just maybe not have a MOH - it's fine to just have bridesmaids. If your sister gives pushback, just say you decided you wanted to honour everyone equally.

Sisters getting married back to back

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