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Stopping my non-binary blunders.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
A friend came out as nonbinary one year ago. They use they/them pronouns and changed their name. My problem is that even after a year, I have not internalized their new gender pronouns. I make sure to use the right pronouns and name, but I have to carefully remember every time—it doesn’t come naturally. So far, I have not messed up in front of them, but I have messed up when mentioning them to another person. I know some binary transgender people, and after an adjustment period, it became effortless to use the correct pronouns. I want to earnestly knowmy nonbinary friend’s gender the same way, but my brain isn’t making the switch. I know it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and misgender my friend to their face, and I dread it. What can I do to get my brain to get with the program?
—Out-of-Date Brainware
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Re: Stopping my non-binary blunders.

  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    VarunaTT said:
    1.  You're going to mess up.
    2.  Fix it and move on. 

    I still mess up K's pronouns (literally, just today, said a she when talking to someone).  I fix it and move on.  I don't even apologize or acknowledge anything else about it, except the correction.  Making a big deal about slip ups, centers yourself in the conversation, rather than your loved one.  

    Bolded is my MIL. My BIL came out as transgender to the family close to 2 1/2 years ago. H and my FIL occasionally still slip up (not around BIL) but immediately correct themselves and continue on. My MIL still continues to make a big deal every time she misgenders BIL or calls him by his deadname. She just did it this weekend and kept saying that she'll never get used to it. It's concerning to me because it comes off as her feelings about the matter are more important than my BIL and she wants to be acknowledged that this is hard for her. She's also taken zero steps to go to any kind of therapy or support group, so it's no wonder that she still can't accept that her child is transgender.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    It’s been a year and you haven’t gotten it wrong to this persons face even once. Your problem is t pronouns. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I agree with PPs for the LW to do their best and not make a big deal with the occasional slip-up.  I would also think that most nonbinary and transgender people understand when friends/family are supportive and sometimes have a pronoun/name mistake.  As opposed to someone rudely and purposefully not using the correct pronouns.

    As an aside, I initially read the title as "Stopping my non-binary blenders".  Like blenders as in the small kitchen appliance, instead of blunders.  I had a couple seconds where I was trying to figure out what a non-binary blender was, lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    cupcait927 said:
    VarunaTT said:
    1.  You're going to mess up.
    2.  Fix it and move on. 

    I still mess up K's pronouns (literally, just today, said a she when talking to someone).  I fix it and move on.  I don't even apologize or acknowledge anything else about it, except the correction.  Making a big deal about slip ups, centers yourself in the conversation, rather than your loved one.  

    Bolded is my MIL. My BIL came out as transgender to the family close to 2 1/2 years ago. H and my FIL occasionally still slip up (not around BIL) but immediately correct themselves and continue on. My MIL still continues to make a big deal every time she misgenders BIL or calls him by his deadname. She just did it this weekend and kept saying that she'll never get used to it. It's concerning to me because it comes off as her feelings about the matter are more important than my BIL and she wants to be acknowledged that this is hard for her. She's also taken zero steps to go to any kind of therapy or support group, so it's no wonder that she still can't accept that her child is transgender.
    M's cousin came out as trans a bit before BabyKitten was born. We try to go with the preferred name/pronoun but have previously advised we may slip up. They're ok with it and understand it's an adjustment.

    This makes me think of FIL though .... mentally he knows Cousin is trans and prefers a certain name/pronoun and instead of trying the new name, asked if he could continue to use old name. They're fine with FIL doing that but personally it bugs me.
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    DW is trans, and we have friends who are trans and nonbinary. I’m actually more conscientious about pronouns than she is! She occasionally slips and calls her BFF and our MOH “him.” (MOH is intersex and tried to live as male for a long time and realized it wasn’t working for her.)
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @OurWildKingdom Interesting fact about DW :) I didn't know that.
    Funny how you're more conscientious about it that she is though lol {funny haha and funny ironic}
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