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Wedding Woes

"Oh thank you for offering, but I don't need a shower." (lather, rinse, repeat)

Dear Prudence,

I don’t like to be the center of attention. I very happily just skipped having a 25th birthday party. I didn’t have a party when I got engaged, and I didn’t want a bridal shower. In the end I caved to pressure from my family and had one. While I’m grateful for all the time and planning that was put into the beautiful afternoon tea, it’s just awkward for me to make chit-chat for four hours with over 50 women I hardly know. Now that I’m pregnant, there is talk of a baby shower. I do not want one. Both of my grandparents are dead, so my formerly estranged extended family are all talking again, and it would be awkward to not invite them. I feel guilty that I’m taking away the experience of celebrating the first grandchild from both sides of my family, especially after so much loss over the past year. Am I being ungrateful for wanting to completely skip a baby shower?

—No Baby Shower

Re: "Oh thank you for offering, but I don't need a shower." (lather, rinse, repeat)

  • LW doesn't have to have one. I generally understand people won't gift anything, but some may still want to just due to the fact of family.

    LW could state to whomever wants to host that they would like to keep it small, and short lived since they are not comfortable, but I think LW needs to really push that they are not comfortable. Maybe whomever who is requesting to host will understand and keep it small at the very least.
  • "I am so touched that you want to do this but this is a bit of anxiety for me." 

    That said, would the OP extend an option to say, "I'm really not comfortable with something large but if it was extremely small I would be OK with this."  

    Or simply decline.  
    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicOliveOilsMom
  • Jstump2 said:
    I definitely thought the title was about actual showering with soap and water and was grossed out haha!
    LOL!  I didn't even think of that, but I see it now.  Too funny. 
    VarunaTT
  • It's perfectly fine for the LW to skip a baby shower and she should just keep thanking and politely declining.

    However, if she feels up to it, I think a better compromise would be to allow someone to throw her a shower but with a very limited and small guest list.  Perhaps just immediate family.

    She might also feel more comfortable with a co-ed shower.  I went to a bridal shower like that.  It was more like a casual backyard BBQ party with some presents for the happy couple to open. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    VarunaTTKnottie1445978370
  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree with a smaller event or just like a cookout to celebrate the baby but not necessarily a traditional shower. 

    And I'll be honest, there's so much stuff to buy before a baby comes it is really nice to have a shower to at least get some of those expenses out of the way!
    mrsconn23ILoveBeachMusicMissKittyDanger
  • kvruns said:
    I agree with a smaller event or just like a cookout to celebrate the baby but not necessarily a traditional shower. 

    And I'll be honest, there's so much stuff to buy before a baby comes it is really nice to have a shower to at least get some of those expenses out of the way!
    Agreed.  There are vast options between 50 people you don't want to make chitchat with and nothing.  Something informal and co-ed could be LW's speed.  

    Also, I find it funny that LW points out that they didn't 'even have a 25th birthday party', like it's a thing everyone does.  I mean I'm sure DH and I did around my 25th, because our birthdays are 3 days apart (I met him when he was turning 25).  But we are party people and we went on a run in our mid-20's where we had a joint bday party almost every year to play cards and get wasted with our friends.  ;) 
    banana468OliveOilsMom
  • Yeah - I am wondering how introverted the LW is or is she just the introvert of her group? 

    Would she take multiple smaller events?  
  • So I disagree with the group here a bit, if she doesn’t want to have one she shouldn’t. At all. I get that other people want to celebrate, or are excited, but I think if it makes her that uncomfortable she should decline. If people want to give gifts, they will. But no one is owed a party to celebrate someone else. 
    I agree that if she truly doesn't want a shower, then she should keep saying 'no'.  However I feel that if it's the same family offering/wanting to do one that also did her bridal tea, she should say, "Look, my bridal tea made me uncomfortable because it was a lot of people that I wasn't really close to and I felt a lot of pressure to make small talk with people I'm not familiar with."  And then at least give them a chance to respond?  

    OTOH if she's really *that* introverted, wouldn't the people closest to her know this?  IDK, again another letter where communication seems to be the problem and LW using their words would help manage the situation. 
    charlotte989875
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So I disagree with the group here a bit, if she doesn’t want to have one she shouldn’t. At all. I get that other people want to celebrate, or are excited, but I think if it makes her that uncomfortable she should decline. If people want to give gifts, they will. But no one is owed a party to celebrate someone else. 
    Agree 100%. If she is that uncomfortable, she should be allowed to decline any sort of party, regardless of how small. This isn't something that she wants and no one's entitled to it.
    STARMOON44charlotte989875
  • mrsconn23 said:
    So I disagree with the group here a bit, if she doesn’t want to have one she shouldn’t. At all. I get that other people want to celebrate, or are excited, but I think if it makes her that uncomfortable she should decline. If people want to give gifts, they will. But no one is owed a party to celebrate someone else. 
    I agree that if she truly doesn't want a shower, then she should keep saying 'no'.  However I feel that if it's the same family offering/wanting to do one that also did her bridal tea, she should say, "Look, my bridal tea made me uncomfortable because it was a lot of people that I wasn't really close to and I felt a lot of pressure to make small talk with people I'm not familiar with."  And then at least give them a chance to respond?  

    OTOH if she's really *that* introverted, wouldn't the people closest to her know this?  IDK, again another letter where communication seems to be the problem and LW using their words would help manage the situation. 
    This can be weird.

    My aunt is the hostess of family events.   They're at her house and she loves to have larger scale ones.

    BUT, she doesn't want to be the center of attention at them.   It sounds odd but when she's hosting she's cooking, talking one on one or going from person to person.  When she married, I was her FG and my brother was the "ring teddy bear".   They also had a BM and MOH.   Those were the guests.   My mom and dad didn't go and neither did any of her other four siblings or her parents or my uncle's parents.   When she turned 50 or 60 there was talk of a big birthday party for her and I had to put the kibosh on it.   A small event at a restaurant with immediate family would have been fine.   But a giant hoo ha surprise?  Oh I would have been DEAD MEAT.   
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Even if she's not super introverted, some people just don't like showers, especially if the family that's offering is huge and boisterous and that's not your jam.  This sounds a lot like my IL's.  It's a huge family and very loud.  I love all the people and am not particularly introverted but family gatherings are not always fun for me with everyone yelling over each other, etc.  I got lovely gifts at my bridal shower, but it wasn't particularly fun - no one was paying attention and it was far too big and they always have them at a venue/restaurant which isn't really my cup of tea.  So LW, I feel you.  Keep saying no if you don't want that baby shower - it's totally ok.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Babies are expensive, take that shower offer!!!!!

    Though I know that's easier said than done, for someone who is as introverted as LW describes.
    banana468charlotte989875
  • Babies are expensive, take that shower offer!!!!!

    Though I know that's easier said than done, for someone who is as introverted as LW describes.
    So much of that!  I was SUPER grateful that I had a lot of the towels and clothing needed before Chiquita arrived.  Plus having that time to listen to moms was a bit of a comfort as I started to do this new job.   
    OliveOilsMomILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    She’s quite opposite of the people I know who have one for each child.....

    mrsconn23ILoveBeachMusickerbohlMissKittyDanger
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