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Wedding Woes

Another week where the 'issue' is not the real issue.

Dear Prudence,

My friend “Betty” is single, and I’m about to get married, but we’ve both noticed a recent trend with our friend “Jane” that we can’t abide. Every time we see her, Jane expresses how excited she is for us to have children. We hear some version of “You have to have kids!” or “I can’t wait till you have babies!” Usually she is drunk when this happens, but she’s mentioned it sober too. It makes us both extremely uncomfortable. Betty and I have explained why we’re not OK with this, but we can’t seem to get through to her. At a recent outing with friends, Jane got drunk and announced that “everyone should get pregnant and have a baby—it’s the greatest thing ever!” She kept pushing the idea. The next day, one of my other friends confessed to us all that she has a medical issue that pushed her into early menopause. I was absolutely mortified that she had to sit through Jane’s drunken exclamations.

Betty and I are on edge about the next time we see Jane at my wedding. We’re really hoping that she learned her lesson from hearing about our other friend’s medical issues, but I just don’t know that it’s enough—especially if alcohol is involved. Betty and I are willing to discuss this with Jane again, but we’re starting to feel like we’re “ganging up” on her and making her defensive. We assume that she is lonely as a mother, with few peers to share her experiences with, and it’s not as though we don’t care or appreciate the hardships she’s going through. We just want her to stop demanding babies from us! What else can we do to gently steer her away from this for good?

—Friend Demands I Get Pregnant

Re: Another week where the 'issue' is not the real issue.

  • Jane needs to be told to stfu ... why hasn't anyone told her to stop? I don't care if Jane feels ganged up on, it's not her place to tell people to have kid(s)!
    downtondivacharlotte989875
  • Jane needs to be told to stfu ... why hasn't anyone told her to stop? I don't care if Jane feels ganged up on, it's not her place to tell people to have kid(s)!
    I have to agree. At a certain point, saying something nicely and politely to someone just doesn't work anymore. What Jane is doing is making people uncomfortable at best and hurting them at worst. She needs to shut up.
    image
    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875
  • Jane needs to be told to stfu ... why hasn't anyone told her to stop? I don't care if Jane feels ganged up on, it's not her place to tell people to have kid(s)!
    I have to agree. At a certain point, saying something nicely and politely to someone just doesn't work anymore. What Jane is doing is making people uncomfortable at best and hurting them at worst. She needs to shut up.
    Right? The fact she's known to do this is just beyond unacceptable at this point. Once - maybe twice - is a "whatever, it happens just hope it doesn't happen again" but this sounds like it's multiple times.
  • I agree that this should be a conversation with Jane that is partially out of concern and to get to the root cause of why the baby craze obsession.  Hopefully get to what is really going on and help their friend.  But also to be blunt that these are awkward, uncomfortable conversations that can also really hurt people and they NEED.TO.STOP.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23
  • I joke all the time that sober Varuna isn't responsible for drunk Varuna; you gotta take the shit drunk Varuna does up with drunk Varuna.  I also am not drunk 98% of the time, so it's a joke, not reality.

    I'm not really sure what to think about this LW.  It's very odd in how it's written and something just feels off.  I think it's the weird connotation between the drinking and the baby talk, but then the casual aside that she also did it sober, so why the focus on the drinking connection?  There seems to be a false compassion.  IDK, it's just weird.  Tell Jane you don't want to hear about babies anymore and if she continues on in this vein, your friendships will start to suffer.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • The LW could also try shocking Jane so badly, she stops talking about babies/children, lol.  I had a former coworker (of all people!) and a friend I used this tactic with.  They each had one too many conversations with me about "was I sure I wasn't going to have children?", "oh, but you'd be such a good mother."

    I finally lost it but, instead of saying anything in an angry voice, I told them conspiratorially like I was confessing my deepest, darkest secret, something like, "Thanks for the compliment!  But...and I know this is a terrible thing to say...I absolutely cannot stand children.  I hate their screeching little voices.  And God help me if they start singing.  I want to poke my eardrums out with an ice pick.  Yes, I definitely don't want children.  It sounds like a piece of hell."

    The look of complete and stunned silence was priceless.  It was all I could do to keep a straight face.  But those conversations stopped from each of them, after that.  FTR, it isn't true that I "absolutely cannot stand children".  They're fine and even charming in small doses.  But all the rest of what I said...weelll, yep.  Pretty true for my own personal feelings, lol.

    I realize the LW may/may not want children someday so that isn't necessarily true for them.  But the goal here is to just get Jane to STFU about it already.    
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • @short+sassy  tbh even if you felt that way about kids, it's no ones business to try and change your mind. They may ask you to explain what about these things give you issues {I know I would - because it's not something I get, and I always want to know other people's thoughts}
    short+sassy
  • @short+sassy  tbh even if you felt that way about kids, it's no ones business to try and change your mind. They may ask you to explain what about these things give you issues {I know I would - because it's not something I get, and I always want to know other people's thoughts}
    Oh yeah!  It was surreal.  And I'm not even shy or offended if someone asks me once.  Maybe twice.  But it's annoying when someone asks me multiple times for any question I've already answered.  It's like, you realize it doesn't matter how many times you ask me, my answer will still be the same.  Right? lol.

    My joke is that I didn't want children because I like my time and money more, lol.  But that isn't even it.  There seems to be a strong or even medium drive/desire in the majority of people to have children.  I've never felt that.  Not ever.  When I was younger, I assumed I would have children.  I guess just because most people do.  That someday it would be something I wanted.  But it was the opposite.  The older I got, the less appealing having children sounded.

    I don't have much opportunity for it because I live far away.  But I do like spending time with children where I'm close to their families.  Like my niece and nephew.  I like hearing people's stories about their kids.  Because, from a human development aspect, children are fascinating.  

    However, "out in the wild", their voices are sometimes too loud and shrill for me.  It's not usually their fault.  I know that is a "me" problem and not a "them" problem.  But, especially in big-box stores where sound gets amplified, I sometimes need to move to another aisle/area to avoid.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875MissKittyDangerVarunaTTOliveOilsMom
  • @short+sassy  tbh even if you felt that way about kids, it's no ones business to try and change your mind. They may ask you to explain what about these things give you issues {I know I would - because it's not something I get, and I always want to know other people's thoughts}
    Oh yeah!  It was surreal.  And I'm not even shy or offended if someone asks me once.  Maybe twice.  But it's annoying when someone asks me multiple times for any question I've already answered.  It's like, you realize it doesn't matter how many times you ask me, my answer will still be the same.  Right? lol.

    My joke is that I didn't want children because I like my time and money more, lol.  But that isn't even it.  There seems to be a strong or even medium drive/desire in the majority of people to have children.  I've never felt that.  Not ever.  When I was younger, I assumed I would have children.  I guess just because most people do.  That someday it would be something I wanted.  But it was the opposite.  The older I got, the less appealing having children sounded.

    I don't have much opportunity for it because I live far away.  But I do like spending time with children where I'm close to their families.  Like my niece and nephew.  I like hearing people's stories about their kids.  Because, from a human development aspect, children are fascinating.  

    However, "out in the wild", their voices are sometimes too loud and shrill for me.  It's not usually their fault.  I know that is a "me" problem and not a "them" problem.  But, especially in big-box stores where sound gets amplified, I sometimes need to move to another aisle/area to avoid.  
    I definitely agree that you have to have at least a medium drive for kids. {ex: a friend of mine wants kids, isn't really rushing}

    It's definitely something most people assume in their life and I think it's a small few group that don't want kids to begin with. Tbh I think one of my friends - who doesn't want kids still - said as a kid she didn't want any kids.
  • @short+sassy  tbh even if you felt that way about kids, it's no ones business to try and change your mind. They may ask you to explain what about these things give you issues {I know I would - because it's not something I get, and I always want to know other people's thoughts}
    Oh yeah!  It was surreal.  And I'm not even shy or offended if someone asks me once.  Maybe twice.  But it's annoying when someone asks me multiple times for any question I've already answered.  It's like, you realize it doesn't matter how many times you ask me, my answer will still be the same.  Right? lol.

    My joke is that I didn't want children because I like my time and money more, lol.  But that isn't even it.  There seems to be a strong or even medium drive/desire in the majority of people to have children.  I've never felt that.  Not ever.  When I was younger, I assumed I would have children.  I guess just because most people do.  That someday it would be something I wanted.  But it was the opposite.  The older I got, the less appealing having children sounded.

    I don't have much opportunity for it because I live far away.  But I do like spending time with children where I'm close to their families.  Like my niece and nephew.  I like hearing people's stories about their kids.  Because, from a human development aspect, children are fascinating.  

    However, "out in the wild", their voices are sometimes too loud and shrill for me.  It's not usually their fault.  I know that is a "me" problem and not a "them" problem.  But, especially in big-box stores where sound gets amplified, I sometimes need to move to another aisle/area to avoid.  
    I definitely agree that you have to have at least a medium drive for kids. {ex: a friend of mine wants kids, isn't really rushing}

    It's definitely something most people assume in their life and I think it's a small few group that don't want kids to begin with. Tbh I think one of my friends - who doesn't want kids still - said as a kid she didn't want any kids.
    I'm just thankful the majority of the human race is not like me and does have some kind of drive to have children.  Our species might have died out a long time ago otherwise, lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kerbohlMissKittyDanger
  • @short+sassy  tbh even if you felt that way about kids, it's no ones business to try and change your mind. They may ask you to explain what about these things give you issues {I know I would - because it's not something I get, and I always want to know other people's thoughts}
    Oh yeah!  It was surreal.  And I'm not even shy or offended if someone asks me once.  Maybe twice.  But it's annoying when someone asks me multiple times for any question I've already answered.  It's like, you realize it doesn't matter how many times you ask me, my answer will still be the same.  Right? lol.

    My joke is that I didn't want children because I like my time and money more, lol.  But that isn't even it.  There seems to be a strong or even medium drive/desire in the majority of people to have children.  I've never felt that.  Not ever.  When I was younger, I assumed I would have children.  I guess just because most people do.  That someday it would be something I wanted.  But it was the opposite.  The older I got, the less appealing having children sounded.

    I don't have much opportunity for it because I live far away.  But I do like spending time with children where I'm close to their families.  Like my niece and nephew.  I like hearing people's stories about their kids.  Because, from a human development aspect, children are fascinating.  

    However, "out in the wild", their voices are sometimes too loud and shrill for me.  It's not usually their fault.  I know that is a "me" problem and not a "them" problem.  But, especially in big-box stores where sound gets amplified, I sometimes need to move to another aisle/area to avoid.  
    I definitely agree that you have to have at least a medium drive for kids. {ex: a friend of mine wants kids, isn't really rushing}

    It's definitely something most people assume in their life and I think it's a small few group that don't want kids to begin with. Tbh I think one of my friends - who doesn't want kids still - said as a kid she didn't want any kids.
    I'm just thankful the majority of the human race is not like me and does have some kind of drive to have children.  Our species might have died out a long time ago otherwise, lol.
    There is a human race benefit for the fact people think like you as well :) Not everyone needs to have kids.
    Tbh a friend of mine has 4 kids and jokes I should have at least 1 more. I tell her she had enough for the both of us ;) #1anddone
    short+sassy
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