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To ask a bridesmaid, or not to ask?

knottiee620d0b3e72107cdknottiee620d0b3e72107cd member
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in Wedding Party
I have a few bridesmaids I am absolutely sure about having in my wedding party - my sister, and three of my best friends who have been in my life for years. However, there is one girl I am so on the fence about. On one hand, I have known her for over five years and she has been one of my fiance's best friends for more than eight years, because she is married to my fiance's best friend (and soon to be best man of our wedding. my fiance was also the best man in their wedding). I really get along with her for the most part and we are similar in many ways. I do consider her a good friend. On the other hand, she used to be passive-aggressive with me in high school when I first came into their lives for the first few years until she was further in college after her own wedding, so I never knew for a long time if she actually liked me or not. She purposely left me out of her wedding in every way possible to make sure I wasn't included, WHICH I TOTALLY GET because it was her wedding and what they wanted - it's everything else about it that I won't go into here because it's so much little stuff. She also talks shit about everyone else's weddings that we have been to together, or people we don't know, and it's about anything and everything - paying for her own hair and makeup and not being able to do her own makeup for other people's weddings she's in, bridesmaid dresses she doesn't like or it's not quality enough, complaining about the people in the wedding, needing to just get drunk to get through them- it goes on. and I'm honestly afraid that if I were to ask her to be in ours, she would do this to me behind my back and I used to try so hard to get her to like me, that I worry it's all I'm going to focus on if she were in our wedding and take her opinions to heart more than what my fiance and I really want. But we also both know that we will all be in each other's lives for a very long time, since we all 4 of us are really good friends and hang out pretty often. I just need some unbiased opinions here - what would you do? what else should I maybe consider that I'm not already when it comes to whether I should ask her or not? Please, no judging, and help!!! 
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Re: To ask a bridesmaid, or not to ask?

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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottiee620d0b3e72107cd said:
    I have a few bridesmaids I am absolutely sure about having in my wedding party - my sister, and three of my best friends who have been in my life for years. However, there is one girl I am so on the fence about. On one hand, I have known her for over five years and she has been one of my fiance's best friends for more than eight years, because she is married to my fiance's best friend (and soon to be best man of our wedding. my fiance was also the best man in their wedding). I really get along with her for the most part and we are similar in many ways. I do consider her a good friend. On the other hand, she used to be passive-aggressive with me in high school when I first came into their lives for the first few years until she was further in college after her own wedding, so I never knew for a long time if she actually liked me or not. She purposely left me out of her wedding in every way possible to make sure I wasn't included, WHICH I TOTALLY GET because it was her wedding and what they wanted - it's everything else about it that I won't go into here because it's so much little stuff. She also talks shit about everyone else's weddings that we have been to together, or people we don't know, and it's about anything and everything - paying for her own hair and makeup and not being able to do her own makeup for other people's weddings she's in, bridesmaid dresses she doesn't like or it's not quality enough, complaining about the people in the wedding, needing to just get drunk to get through them- it goes on. and I'm honestly afraid that if I were to ask her to be in ours, she would do this to me behind my back and I used to try so hard to get her to like me, that I worry it's all I'm going to focus on if she were in our wedding and take her opinions to heart more than what my fiance and I really want. But we also both know that we will all be in each other's lives for a very long time, since we all 4 of us are really good friends and hang out pretty often. I just need some unbiased opinions here - what would you do? what else should I maybe consider that I'm not already when it comes to whether I should ask her or not? Please, no judging, and help!!! 
    Well, the bolded she could legitimately talk shit about, especially if it was expected of her and not paid for. Also, people should always be able to opt out of others touching them, even when the bride is paying for it.

    And sometimes other people in wedding parties are annoying.

    However, since you weren't in her wedding, and you think it'll be more headache than joy to have her in yours - don't ask her. This position is about honoring your friendships - you want your bridesmaids to stand up there with you because you can't imagine being married without them. Anything else they offer to do (participating in bachelorette, shower, hair/makeup, etc.) is total gravy. Do you want to honor this friendship like that?
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If she has been a best friend of FI, he can always ask her to stand on his side as a member of his wedding party.  Perhaps both she and her husband being in the wedding party might be too costly for them.  Because her husband will be in the wedding party, she will already be included in many pre-wedding events and the rehearsal.  For me, that would be a win-win; she can participate in the fun without bearing any additional costs or "requirements".
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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Also, if she complains about your wedding (regardless of being in the wedding party or not), there are two strategies for that.

    If it's purely a matter of taste ("I'd never choose those flowers or that location") then just ignore. Who cares what her tastes are?

    If it's about something else related to her own comfort, like: she's expected to sit apart from her husband, the dress (if she's been asked to wear one) is ugly or out of budget, the concept of "needing to be drunk to get through the wedding" - it might be actually a good thing to hear. A lot of couples put their friends and family through a lot of annoyance in the name of "what they want" instead of doing their best to host their guests well, as a thank you for taking the time to be there. If this person is honest enough to actually complain about your wedding, it could be that it's just a matter of taste (again, ignore), or it could be that you're actually planning to treat her and others poorly, and you should try to rectify that.

    A good rule for planning purposes: If someone else asked you to do a thing you plan to ask of others, would it be a PITA? If the answer is "Yes, but I'd suck it up because it's their wedding" you should rethink it. Minimal "sucking it up" should be required. Other people having done X in other weddings, or having asked X of you and you did it, does not necessarily make it okay to ask of others. If you want to stick around and ask more questions, we're happy to help you sort through that kind of thing.
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    knottiee620d0b3e72107cdknottiee620d0b3e72107cd member
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    I didn't make it clear, but she required her bridesmaids to spend over $200 on her bridesmaids dresses, pay for their own hair and makeup which cost the same for her to have done in the other weddings she was in of her same bridesmaids, and she doesn't have a problem with people touching her. I get that people have the right to complain when it comes to comfort - for her, it's always a one way street, such as "I can do this and this to someone else and they aren't supposed to complain, but they can't do it back to me." and again, she wouldn't say it to my face - she'd say it behind my back like she did to everyone else. I guess it seems like a pretty simple solution when I rewrite it all out like this to others, huh? 
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think you answered your own question - really - I suspect having her involved as a BM would be a disaster waiting to happen (Her rules for herself versus her rules for other people factor).  Sometimes we just need to write it out and step away from the emotions to see the red flags really are pretty clear.  That's not to say you may not ask her to be involved in another aspect of the wedding when time gets closer, but a BM role may be a trust your own instinct!
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It sounds like you've answered your own question. 

    Did she require her BMs to have their hair and makeup professionally done? Or was it just offered? 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Generally the answer to this question is that if you aren't sure, the answer is no.

    It sounds like you're really going out of your way to come up with excuses for not liking this woman. She complains about having to spend money to get hair and makeup done for someone else's wedding or wearing a dress she's not comfortable in? Yeah, anyone would. It's wrong for a couple to ask that of their party. She was passive-aggressive in high school? Come on. Could it be that you're really just jealous of her friendship with your FI and looking for reasons to villainize her? 

    Nonetheless, if she's not one of your closest friends, she's not one of your closest friends. That's the only reason you need. If she's one of your FI's best friends, he can decide if he wants to ask her to stand on his side. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    If you have to think about it this much, and if there's this much about the woman that makes you uncomfortable, then you shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. 

    If your FI considers her a friend and wants her to be in the wedding party, he can ask her to stand up on his side. 
    image
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    You say you’re really good friends, but then there’s a whole lot you don’t like about her. If you’re not close to her you don’t have to invite her to be in your bridal party. If you do want her that’s fine too but you’re not obligated to do so. If you FI wants to include her he’s welcome to. 
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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottiee620d0b3e72107cd said:
    I didn't make it clear, but she required her bridesmaids to spend over $200 on her bridesmaids dresses, pay for their own hair and makeup which cost the same for her to have done in the other weddings she was in of her same bridesmaids, and she doesn't have a problem with people touching her. I get that people have the right to complain when it comes to comfort - for her, it's always a one way street, such as "I can do this and this to someone else and they aren't supposed to complain, but they can't do it back to me." and again, she wouldn't say it to my face - she'd say it behind my back like she did to everyone else. I guess it seems like a pretty simple solution when I rewrite it all out like this to others, huh? 
    Yeah, I'd say so. I think you even avoid too much possibility of awkwardness, simply because she didn't include you in her wedding. But definitely, the potential headache of asking her is far bigger than the potential "offense" she might take if you don't ask her. So I'd definitely say don't ask.
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    knottiee620d0b3e72107cdknottiee620d0b3e72107cd member
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    climbingwife said:
    It sounds like you've answered your own question. 

    Did she require her BMs to have their hair and makeup professionally done? Or was it just offered? 
    she required her BMs to have their hair and makeup professionally done, and the BMs had to pay for it all.
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    knottiee620d0b3e72107cdknottiee620d0b3e72107cd member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    Generally the answer to this question is that if you aren't sure, the answer is no.

    It sounds like you're really going out of your way to come up with excuses for not liking this woman. She complains about having to spend money to get hair and makeup done for someone else's wedding or wearing a dress she's not comfortable in? Yeah, anyone would. It's wrong for a couple to ask that of their party. She was passive-aggressive in high school? Come on. Could it be that you're really just jealous of her friendship with your FI and looking for reasons to villainize her? 

    Nonetheless, if she's not one of your closest friends, she's not one of your closest friends. That's the only reason you need. If she's one of your FI's best friends, he can decide if he wants to ask her to stand on his side. 
    There's a lot I'm leaving out because it's not specifically relevant, but I'm not reaching for things to dislike about her or looking to villainize her. There's a lot that I do like about her and I enjoy being around her most of the time. It's the way she treats other people and talks about other people all the time to me that I don't like, that makes me question what she says about me behind my back. That's my main concern. Yes, it does not matter, but I also don't want to deal with it. However, there's many other reasons that I would have her in my wedding and not just because of my fiance- yes, it started out that they were both best friends, but now we are ALL friends and get along for the most part. Thanks for your input!! 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottiee620d0b3e72107cd said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Generally the answer to this question is that if you aren't sure, the answer is no.

    It sounds like you're really going out of your way to come up with excuses for not liking this woman. She complains about having to spend money to get hair and makeup done for someone else's wedding or wearing a dress she's not comfortable in? Yeah, anyone would. It's wrong for a couple to ask that of their party. She was passive-aggressive in high school? Come on. Could it be that you're really just jealous of her friendship with your FI and looking for reasons to villainize her? 

    Nonetheless, if she's not one of your closest friends, she's not one of your closest friends. That's the only reason you need. If she's one of your FI's best friends, he can decide if he wants to ask her to stand on his side. 
    There's a lot I'm leaving out because it's not specifically relevant, but I'm not reaching for things to dislike about her or looking to villainize her. There's a lot that I do like about her and I enjoy being around her most of the time. It's the way she treats other people and talks about other people all the time to me that I don't like, that makes me question what she says about me behind my back. That's my main concern. Yes, it does not matter, but I also don't want to deal with it. However, there's many other reasons that I would have her in my wedding and not just because of my fiance- yes, it started out that they were both best friends, but now we are ALL friends and get along for the most part. Thanks for your input!! 
    And yet you're bringing up her actions from high school and her arrangements with her bridesmaids when you weren't even in her wedding. It just looks like you're really trying hard to make her out to be a bad person. 

    If you're not that close, you're not that close. You don't need to come up with all this ammunition to not ask her to be in your WP. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It sounds like when all is said and done, you're just not that close. You say you really like her, but you're hanging on to high school memories of her and complaining about her behavior at other weddings, including her own.

    Based on what you've posted, I just wouldn't ask her. If you're iffy about having anyone in your wedding party, you're generally better off not asking them than asking them and hoping they'll change -- even for your sake.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    It sounds like when all is said and done, you're just not that close. You say you really like her, but you're hanging on to high school memories of her and complaining about her behavior at other weddings, including her own.

    Based on what you've posted, I just wouldn't ask her. If you're iffy about having anyone in your wedding party, you're generally better off not asking them than asking them and hoping they'll change -- even for your sake.
    This. Also, how even long ago were you in HS? Let it go. 

    I will say though, in my experience, a person that speaks poorly about others absolutely does it behind your back as well. I've dropped people like this, because ultimately they're shitty people and I have no time for negative bullshit like that. 
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    No, do not ask her, for all the reasons you've stated. Why invite stress? And don't assume you will be in one another's lives for a long time. Life intervenes--one person will get transferred to work in another region, someone will have kids and get busy with them, someone will buy a house in a new neighborhood and become good friends with some of the neighbors, etc. It sounds as if growing apart might be a good thing.
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