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Wedding Party
knottiee620d0b3e72107cd
member
To ask a bridesmaid, or not to ask?
I have a few bridesmaids I am absolutely sure about having in my wedding party - my sister, and three of my best friends who have been in my life for years. However, there is one girl I am so on the fence about. On one hand, I have known her for over five years and she has been one of my fiance's best friends for more than eight years, because she is married to my fiance's best friend (and soon to be best man of our wedding. my fiance was also the best man in their wedding). I really get along with her for the most part and we are similar in many ways. I do consider her a good friend. On the other hand, she used to be passive-aggressive with me in high school when I first came into their lives for the first few years until she was further in college after her own wedding, so I never knew for a long time if she actually liked me or not. She purposely left me out of her wedding in every way possible to make sure I wasn't included, WHICH I TOTALLY GET because it was her wedding and what they wanted - it's everything else about it that I won't go into here because it's so much little stuff. She also talks shit about everyone else's weddings that we have been to together, or people we don't know, and it's about anything and everything - paying for her own hair and makeup and not being able to do her own makeup for other people's weddings she's in, bridesmaid dresses she doesn't like or it's not quality enough, complaining about the people in the wedding, needing to just get drunk to get through them- it goes on. and I'm honestly afraid that if I were to ask her to be in ours, she would do this to me behind my back and I used to try so hard to get her to like me, that I worry it's all I'm going to focus on if she were in our wedding and take her opinions to heart more than what my fiance and I really want. But we also both know that we will all be in each other's lives for a very long time, since we all 4 of us are really good friends and hang out pretty often. I just need some unbiased opinions here - what would you do? what else should I maybe consider that I'm not already when it comes to whether I should ask her or not? Please, no judging, and help!!!
Re: To ask a bridesmaid, or not to ask?
And sometimes other people in wedding parties are annoying.
However, since you weren't in her wedding, and you think it'll be more headache than joy to have her in yours - don't ask her. This position is about honoring your friendships - you want your bridesmaids to stand up there with you because you can't imagine being married without them. Anything else they offer to do (participating in bachelorette, shower, hair/makeup, etc.) is total gravy. Do you want to honor this friendship like that?
If it's purely a matter of taste ("I'd never choose those flowers or that location") then just ignore. Who cares what her tastes are?
If it's about something else related to her own comfort, like: she's expected to sit apart from her husband, the dress (if she's been asked to wear one) is ugly or out of budget, the concept of "needing to be drunk to get through the wedding" - it might be actually a good thing to hear. A lot of couples put their friends and family through a lot of annoyance in the name of "what they want" instead of doing their best to host their guests well, as a thank you for taking the time to be there. If this person is honest enough to actually complain about your wedding, it could be that it's just a matter of taste (again, ignore), or it could be that you're actually planning to treat her and others poorly, and you should try to rectify that.
A good rule for planning purposes: If someone else asked you to do a thing you plan to ask of others, would it be a PITA? If the answer is "Yes, but I'd suck it up because it's their wedding" you should rethink it. Minimal "sucking it up" should be required. Other people having done X in other weddings, or having asked X of you and you did it, does not necessarily make it okay to ask of others. If you want to stick around and ask more questions, we're happy to help you sort through that kind of thing.
Did she require her BMs to have their hair and makeup professionally done? Or was it just offered?
It sounds like you're really going out of your way to come up with excuses for not liking this woman. She complains about having to spend money to get hair and makeup done for someone else's wedding or wearing a dress she's not comfortable in? Yeah, anyone would. It's wrong for a couple to ask that of their party. She was passive-aggressive in high school? Come on. Could it be that you're really just jealous of her friendship with your FI and looking for reasons to villainize her?
Nonetheless, if she's not one of your closest friends, she's not one of your closest friends. That's the only reason you need. If she's one of your FI's best friends, he can decide if he wants to ask her to stand on his side.
If your FI considers her a friend and wants her to be in the wedding party, he can ask her to stand up on his side.
If you're not that close, you're not that close. You don't need to come up with all this ammunition to not ask her to be in your WP.
Based on what you've posted, I just wouldn't ask her. If you're iffy about having anyone in your wedding party, you're generally better off not asking them than asking them and hoping they'll change -- even for your sake.
I will say though, in my experience, a person that speaks poorly about others absolutely does it behind your back as well. I've dropped people like this, because ultimately they're shitty people and I have no time for negative bullshit like that.