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This is dark...very dark.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am 40 now. Ten years ago, my husband and I ended our four-year marriage. We had been straddling the fence on the subject of having children, but eventually ended up on different sides. It was mutual, if mournful. He remarried and had a son, but the marriage was rocky. His wife and son died in a car accident, and it’s possible that she had committed a murder-suicide. I reconnected with my ex over the tragedy. I would talk to him every night, and I flew down to attend the funerals. He called me his lifeline.

A year ago, he moved back home. We have been cautiously seeing each other. I love him and never really stopped. When I told my sister I was seeing my ex again, she quipped that it looked like I “got everything [I] wanted.” It felt like being tossed into an ice bath. I barked that I would never want a child to die so I could have a relationship. I don’t want kids, but I was never happy about this tragedy. She apologized and told me she was kidding. Her words struck a nerve in me, though. I feel guilty, but I know that is ridiculous. I can’t get rid of these feelings. What do I do?

—Complicated Reunion

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Re: This is dark...very dark.

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I’m confused. I know she’s mad at her sis for saying that. But that’s not why she’s writing Prudie right?  Is she saying she cant rid her feeling of her ex?  Is that the real reason for this? He may still want children. That may never change.

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2019
    Yeah, the letter is super confusing.  It sounds like the sister's comment made LW question her situation with her ex and/or LW was worried about what other people thought of it and her sister's comment brought forth her biggest fear.  

    Also, I'm wondering why LW decided to throw in the line about the accident being 'murder-suicide'.   What?!  Why would you even say that? 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm a little confused. What is it exactly that LW feels guilty about? That she was able to have another chance with her ex because of what happened to his family? That her sister's comment made her feel like deep down, she wanted something to happen that would bring her ex back into her life? 

    Anyway, LW's ex may still want kids, and if LW still doesn't, I don't see this ending well for either of them.


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2019
    I get it. Sister's comments were seriously messed up and way out of line, but it brings some feelings to the surface. I could see where LW would feel guilt that a child had to die for LW to end up in the relationship she'd wanted. She does say that she never stopped loving him, so maybe she feels like she almost willed this to happen. I'm guessing the comments about the bad marriage and potential intentional act go to her guilt that she missed him and envied the wife during the marriage. Or maybe I'm just reading a lot into . 

    She needs to take herself to therapy. This is waaay too heavy for a Prudie letter. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Tell your sister to eff right off. That’s a horrible thing to say and I wouldn’t be shy and telling sis to shove it. 

    The words people we love say to us often hit much harder than they otherwise would. I don’t think LW has anything to feel guilty about in rekindling a relationship. My guess is that she feels guilty about being happy with her ex after this tragic thing brought them together. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    That’s a super fucked up “joke.” LW’s sister sounds insecure and that was her way of being passive aggressive.  LW should see a therapist because she doesn’t have to feel guilty if her and her ex are back together. 


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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I feel the "murder-suicide" comment related to something a little more that LW just isn't getting into.

    LW's sister was cold for saying that, but honestly LW should seek counseling - maybe even couple's counseling? - to ease any guilt they have.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    If you can't get rid of the feelings then you also need to talk to your partner.   Because it isn't fair to string him along if this is turning into something else.

    Sis was out of line but if she's bringing things to the surface and this is a relationship built on open communication then communicate openly.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Like some PPs, I also think the reason the comment is lingering so long with the LW is because of some misplaced guilt.  Not necessarily that she ever had even a shred of being glad the wife and son had died.  But more from the fact that, due to a terrible tragedy, she is having something positive happen.  Emotions can so often be illogical, like that.  Like, you know there is nothing you should feel guilty about.  But you feel guilt anyway.

    While I'm not discounting how horrible the comment was, people do sometimes say things "off the cuff" without really thinking about it.  I could see where the sister might have more been trying to say she was happy her sister was back with the man she had always loved.  But just phrased it really wrong, because she wasn't thinking about that the situation is because of a tragedy.

    I'm also curious with you all if the kids discussion has come back up between the LW and her ex.  Because she doesn't mention it one way or the other.  You'd think it would!  Just because he's (I'm guessing) 40ish and has already had a child (albeit a deceased one, so extra sad) doesn't mean he's fine with not having more children.  But then, sometimes people avoid unpleasant subjects, even when there is an elephant in the room.   
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  • knottief1e813b07177899cknottief1e813b07177899c member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Please evaluate your life moving ahead and be very meticulous with your decision.
    From my understanding you made the following :
    Statement: Marriage ended due to differences between both parties on wanting and not wanting children.
    Ques: This was not discussed before getting married?
    Statement: Ex remarried and had a son, both son and wife died in a car accident.
    Ques: How did this accident make you feel, what was your thoughts ?
    Statement: You reconnected with your ex during his time of grief, and attended the funeral to be a support for him.
    Ques: Again , what was your thought at this time, ( yes he was hurting on the lost of his family),but what were you thinking, did you think this was a reason for you both to reconnect because your feeling for him never died?
    Statement: One year later you both are back together.
    Ques: Is this what you always hoped would happen?
    Statement: You sister make a comment, that made you question yourself.
    Ques: Why did it bother you so much, and make you feel guilty?
    Try answering the above and be totally honest with yourself. I pray that this reunion is NOT on the rebound of his lost, this can be more devastating for him, not you, because you are still in love with him., but what are his true feelings at this time. Be careful and step lightly, you have to know for sure where this relationship is going, with the hopes that he still feels the same way you do.
    I am skeptical that he may still want children, if he does, what direction will you take.
    All the best with your future decision.


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