Wedding Woes

Leave. The. Man. Alone.

Dear Prudence,

I recently went on a date I’d had low expectations for and ended up having a great time. I spent the night at his place, and he kept talking about wanting to hang out again. However—in what often ends up happening—a few days later he stopped answering my texts. I didn’t send many, maybe one or two a day asking how he was doing and mentioning that I’d like to see him again. After a while, I said I’d have preferred if he had just been upfront about not wanting to go out a second time instead of ghosting me. He ended up responding a few hours later to tell me that while he was dealing with too much at work and was burnt out and couldn’t commit to anything long-term, he did want to see me again when he was feeling better.

He also mentioned that he often has his text notifications turned off because a lot of his friendships faded away when his friends got into relationships and knowing no one was texting him made him feel worse. I feel like he still may be leading me on and is too cowardly to turn me down, but I’m also worried he may be depressed. Since he doesn’t seem to have many or any close friendships, I’m wondering if I should try to see if he’s OK, though I also realize that we have only known each other for a few weeks. I’m also not sure if I have the emotional bandwidth to provide support to him. I feel like I should probably just be glad I had one good date and leave it that, but I guess the slight possibility that he may reach out for another date and the guilt of abandoning a person going through a tough time is stopping me. Are my instincts right? Do I just need to officially cut the cord?

—Depressed or Ghosting?

Re: Leave. The. Man. Alone.

  • I have always considered myself an overthinker, but DAMN, LW.  Damn.

    Take it a face value.  If you're really interested, suggest a damn date with time and place.  If he takes it, great.  If he doesn't, say thanks, and move along.
    STARMOON44charlotte989875
  • I would probably send one more message saying something like "I really enjoyed our date and would love to see you again if and when you're feeling up for it.  I hope things slow down for you soon."  

    Let him know you're available but understanding if nothing comes of it and then dont' text him again. 
    MissKittyDangershort+sassy
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2019
    Like @VarunaTT said, if you really want to see him again, pick a time and place to hang out and suggest it to him. If he agrees to see you again, great. If he keeps giving you reasons not to, accept that for whatever reason, "he's just not that into you" and move on.
    image
  • Let it go!

    What would you advise a friend to do if she was in this position?  Girl you're one more contact away from a blocked #.  Stop it.
    VarunaTT
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Omg, they've been on ONE DATE. Move on, LW! 

  • Too much. Way, way too much. 

    No more texts, no worrying if he’s okay. If he contacts you decide if you’re interested, or not. 
  • Damn girl.  Take a deep breath, poor a glass of wine and DELETE HIS NUMBER.  

    VarunaTTcharlotte989875
  • Casadena said:
    I would probably send one more message saying something like "I really enjoyed our date and would love to see you again if and when you're feeling up for it.  I hope things slow down for you soon."  

    Let him know you're available but understanding if nothing comes of it and then dont' text him again. 
    This was exactly my thought when I read the letter.

    I had something like this happen when I was dating.  Me and Guy...ironically "Guy" was his name, lmao...went out a few times.  During one of our conversations, he'd mentioned he suffered from depression and the positive steps he was taking for it.

    At one point, we had made plans.  And then he called me that day to let me know that he'd just been having a really bad day and wasn't feeling up to going out and wanted to postpone.  I told him I was sorry to hear that, I totally understood, and I hoped he started feeling better.  I put the feelers out to see if he had another night in mind.  He didn't and said he would get back to me when he was feeling better.

    A week went by and I e-mailed him something like, "I hope you've been feeling better.  I've really enjoyed your company and would like to reschedule that date we had.  Let me know if you'd like to do that."  No response.  At least not initially, lol.  So I figured "he just wasn't that into me".  I let it go and didn't make any further contact.

    A few months later, I think I updated my Yahoo personals ad.  Or I reposted it again.  Something like that.  At any rate, it caught his eye and he sent me a friendly message.  That he hoped I'd been doing well, yada, yada.  But also said something like, "I see in your new ad that you're looking for Y.  No wonder I wasn't the right guy for you!"

    WTF?  I responded back and reminded him of what had actually transpired!  That I'd followed up about rescheduling our date and he never responded.  He admitted that was true, but he'd been in a bad place and just didn't think I would like him.  Umm...okay.  Funny enough, we didn't rekindle a romantic relationship, but we did become good friends.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jashley? 


    image
    sparklepants41Casadenacupcait927OliveOilsMom
  • levioosa said:
    Jashley? 
    She met him at a wedding in a park. 
    cupcait927
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don’t buy my “texts notifications are off” for a long period of time.  Chances are, he was dating a few girls, thought one was going somewhere - maybe he found out it wasn’t so started communicating again.... to get feelers out? 

    charlotte989875
  • I don’t buy my “texts notifications are off” for a long period of time.  Chances are, he was dating a few girls, thought one was going somewhere - maybe he found out it wasn’t so started communicating again.... to get feelers out? 
    They had a one-night stand.   It's what he wanted and he likes her but he doesn't want a relationship.   She thought it might be something and he likes sex.

    There may be other women and maybe there aren't.   But he doesn't want anything right now.   I'm reading this that he's not being clear with his intentions OR he's trying to be nice to let her down easy.   Neither of them spell "This has potential". 
    charlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    I don’t buy my “texts notifications are off” for a long period of time.  Chances are, he was dating a few girls, thought one was going somewhere - maybe he found out it wasn’t so started communicating again.... to get feelers out? 
    They had a one-night stand.   It's what he wanted and he likes her but he doesn't want a relationship.   She thought it might be something and he likes sex.

    There may be other women and maybe there aren't.   But he doesn't want anything right now.   I'm reading this that he's not being clear with his intentions OR he's trying to be nice to let her down easy.   Neither of them spell "This has potential". 
    In general, the occasional "ghosting" was something I found super annoying with dating.  I didn't even care about ghosting if it was 1-2 dates.  But more than that?  I feel people deserve to at least be told something like, "I don't think it's working out with us.  But good luck on your search."

    I just remember a couple guys that I'd gone out with a few times a week for a month or so.  So, still a new relationship, but one that seemed to be going somewhere.  Then start making excuses that they are really busy this week, but let's do something next week.  Leading to they stopped initiating calls or returning mine.  That's a 1-2 week waste of my time because they are too pathetic to just be honest and have an awkward, but very brief, conversation.  And/or they think I'm some fragile, little china doll who might be all emotional about it.  When I am obviously a normal and reasonable person, who was certainly not picking out our china pattern.  So underestimating me like that is really insulting also.

    FWIW, I was sometimes the one who wasn't feeling it after a few weeks of dating.  But I didn't leave anyone dangling.  I'd have the awkward conversation.  And it was always brief and mature.  Disappointment, sure.  But no handwringing or racking sobs.  Because, while I might be pretty awesome.  I'm not THAT awesome, lol.  No one is to be pining for long because a woman or man they were briefly dating said, "Nah, never mind."  At least not usually.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Casadenacharlotte989875kvruns
  • banana468 said:
    I don’t buy my “texts notifications are off” for a long period of time.  Chances are, he was dating a few girls, thought one was going somewhere - maybe he found out it wasn’t so started communicating again.... to get feelers out? 
    They had a one-night stand.   It's what he wanted and he likes her but he doesn't want a relationship.   She thought it might be something and he likes sex.

    There may be other women and maybe there aren't.   But he doesn't want anything right now.   I'm reading this that he's not being clear with his intentions OR he's trying to be nice to let her down easy.   Neither of them spell "This has potential". 
    In general, the occasional "ghosting" was something I found super annoying with dating.  I didn't even care about ghosting if it was 1-2 dates.  But more than that?  I feel people deserve to at least be told something like, "I don't think it's working out with us.  But good luck on your search."

    I just remember a couple guys that I'd gone out with a few times a week for a month or so.  So, still a new relationship, but one that seemed to be going somewhere.  Then start making excuses that they are really busy this week, but let's do something next week.  Leading to they stopped initiating calls or returning mine.  That's a 1-2 week waste of my time because they are too pathetic to just be honest and have an awkward, but very brief, conversation.  And/or they think I'm some fragile, little china doll who might be all emotional about it.  When I am obviously a normal and reasonable person, who was certainly not picking out our china pattern.  So underestimating me like that is really insulting also.

    FWIW, I was sometimes the one who wasn't feeling it after a few weeks of dating.  But I didn't leave anyone dangling.  I'd have the awkward conversation.  And it was always brief and mature.  Disappointment, sure.  But no handwringing or racking sobs.  Because, while I might be pretty awesome.  I'm not THAT awesome, lol.  No one is to be pining for long because a woman or man they were briefly dating said, "Nah, never mind."  At least not usually.
    Oh I totally agree.

    In the LW's situation it's one date and one encounter.   

    I'm not pinning the dude as a bad guy.   He just strikes me as someone who can't tell others what he wants and can't be up front.   They aren't good qualities but don't make him a bad person - more of a person who needs to be far more mature about all of this. 
    charlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I don’t buy my “texts notifications are off” for a long period of time.  Chances are, he was dating a few girls, thought one was going somewhere - maybe he found out it wasn’t so started communicating again.... to get feelers out? 
    They had a one-night stand.   It's what he wanted and he likes her but he doesn't want a relationship.   She thought it might be something and he likes sex.

    There may be other women and maybe there aren't.   But he doesn't want anything right now.   I'm reading this that he's not being clear with his intentions OR he's trying to be nice to let her down easy.   Neither of them spell "This has potential". 
    In general, the occasional "ghosting" was something I found super annoying with dating.  I didn't even care about ghosting if it was 1-2 dates.  But more than that?  I feel people deserve to at least be told something like, "I don't think it's working out with us.  But good luck on your search."

    I just remember a couple guys that I'd gone out with a few times a week for a month or so.  So, still a new relationship, but one that seemed to be going somewhere.  Then start making excuses that they are really busy this week, but let's do something next week.  Leading to they stopped initiating calls or returning mine.  That's a 1-2 week waste of my time because they are too pathetic to just be honest and have an awkward, but very brief, conversation.  And/or they think I'm some fragile, little china doll who might be all emotional about it.  When I am obviously a normal and reasonable person, who was certainly not picking out our china pattern.  So underestimating me like that is really insulting also.

    FWIW, I was sometimes the one who wasn't feeling it after a few weeks of dating.  But I didn't leave anyone dangling.  I'd have the awkward conversation.  And it was always brief and mature.  Disappointment, sure.  But no handwringing or racking sobs.  Because, while I might be pretty awesome.  I'm not THAT awesome, lol.  No one is to be pining for long because a woman or man they were briefly dating said, "Nah, never mind."  At least not usually.
    I was kind of the opposite of that. I kind of preferred ghosting/being ghosted to insincere let downs. To be fair, I didn't have a lot of 1-2 month things. It was usually 1-2 dates or 1-2 years. 

    I will never forget this one guy. He was a blind date set up from a friend. A friend with, I'll say, questionable judgment. Dude wasn't a bad person, but he was absolutely not a good fit for me. Conservative Christian type, looking for a submissive type woman who was ready to get married, have kids and play a bunch of country music on a piece of land in the sticks. I was still very much in my party phase then, but already knew I wanted to get my career going before marriage and that kids were off the table. We had a polite dinner, but I knew this was one and done 20 minutes in. We left in a kind of awkward polite "this was fun; nice meeting you." But about 2 weeks later, he started calling me every day. I thought I could just ignore and let him get the hint, but after a week I finally had to call him back and break up with him. It was so uncomfortable.  
    charlotte989875kvruns
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